Glossed Over

Vogue Liveblog 2010: The One with Halle Berry on the Cover

The other day someone asked me why I still do the liveblog. After all, I've done it three years in a row. Isn't it time to move on? To which I say: Definitely not! I've been so focused on my day job lately that I'm barely finding time to read anything. (Alas, snarking on fashion magazines does not pay the rent, though I'm willing to entertain offers.) If not for this liveblog, I might never read September Vogue. That page count is intimidating!

As always, the rules: I have not opened this issue of Vogue. I have not read what any other writers thought about this issue. I'll be looking at everything except the cover for the first time. The liveblog happens in real time, so just hit refresh on this post to see the latest entries. And I'll be posting periodic updates on Twitter and Facebook throughout the day, too.

Here we go!

A Sticky Situation in Lucky's September Issue

In its patriotic mission to stimulate the economy, Lucky does everything it can to make shopping easier for the few, the proud, the misanthropes who detest malls, and the between-sizes Americans prone to fitting-room meltdowns. With the stickers marked “YES!” and “MAYBE?” in every issue, vicarious shopping has never been easier! 

This month, instead of tearing out the stickers to annotate a publication with actual paragraphs (like, say, a book), I actually affixed them to the magazine's comparatively noteworthy pages. And in my mission to help you avoid “reading” Lucky, here's what I culled from the September issue:

YES! I may need the entirety of Anna Sui’s Gossip Girl-inspired collection for Target, now that I’ve seen the two-page ad near the front of this issue. Unchecked spending on stuff I don’t need makes me a good American, right?

YES! Just as expected, Kim France’s “Editor’s Letter” does acknowledge the crummy financial climate, but adds that “against all odds,” the magazine’s fashion editors found plenty of great stuff for fall. Such sacrifice!

YES! Lucky continues its slaughter of the English language on page 94, trotting out the non-word “splurgier.” Are there fuses in my brain? Because I think one just blew.

MAYBE? It is totally acceptable to shop at outlets. If you’re in Italy and buying stuff at the Prada outlet, that is. (page 108)

YES! There exists an article of clothing called “zoot pants,” and Lucky’s “Style Spy” expects you to wear them for fall.

YES! Lucky’s editors may suffer from long-term memory loss, since they’ve managed to load up “The Smart Shopping Sourcebook” with heaps of accessories and clothes under $100, but can’t seem to remember those stylish bargains long enough to insert many of them in other features.

YES! According to “Accessories Report,” eyeglasses are in for fall. Great! I hate when glasses are out and I have to go around squinting. Suffer for fashion, right? (Or, you know, wear them and look like I don’t care about my appearance at all.)

MAYBE? Ed Hardy’s new perfume, which, according to the ad in this issue, is a “vintage tattoo inspired fragrance,” could be less appealing. But probably not.

YES! Cosmetics are the sure path to happiness and fulfillment! According to “Beauty Spy,” hot pink blush will make you “instantly feel 5,000 times prettier.” The latest anti-wrinkle potions are “kind of miraculous.” A saffron lip stain is “unexpectedly gorgeous”—for $65, it had better be. A new Maybelline lipstick is “perfect,” and a handful of acne products work with “stunning efficiency.” Yay!

MAYBE? Despite the wisdom so altruistically dispensed on page 214, most readers probably don’t need detailed instructions on shampooing.

YES! It is possible to “Love Your Hair,” as page 224 exuberantly instructs. It doesn’t require a shift in perspective—just a heap of drugstore products, a $140 flat iron, and a $34 shampoo. Easy!

MAYBE? We shouldn’t take beauty editors’ advice as gospel, since in “Skin Regimens of Beauty Editors,” one confesses that she hates washing her face at night and another never takes off her eye makeup before bed. As all of us who’ve been indoctrinated by a lifetime of women’s mags know, not washing up before sleeping is a cardinal sin.

MAYBE? I might have actually used the stickers to mark various pages of the “Lucky Fall Shoe Guide.” I’ll never tell.

YES! As noted in “40s Modern,” the right clothes can make me “magpie-cool.” Whatever that means.

YES! A $415 leopard-print blouse can be worn for work, weekend, and evening, according to “Fall’s Most Versatile Pieces.” Good thing, too, because at that price, it’d be the only blouse I own.

MAYBE? An $1195 Emporio Armani jacket and $630 Bruno Frisoni pumps, as seen on pages 280 and 281, aren’t the best exemplars of the “punk rock” or “collegiate” style the spread is supposed to embody. But then, neither is posing those “punk rock” models in front of a nightclub advertising a show presented by Radio Disney. Oops!

YES! Now that I’ve read the entire issue, I do want to purchase a new wardrobe! Lucky, you’ve successfully completed your mission.

We Read It So You Don't Have To: Instyle's Indoctrinations in the Strange Ways of "Chiconomics"

It was inevitable: in the November issue, InStyle has at last graced us readers with its guide to living fashionably in these hardscrabble times. How do fashion mags try to convince us we're being thrifty while still urging us to purchase an entire new wardrobe every season?

These articles (and I've now read approximately 600 of them) tend to take one of three directions. They’re either:

a. A tone-deaf compilation of reasonably priced stuff. Hint to magazines: If I’m shopping for a $35 sweater, I’m not buying a $100 bracelet to wear with it.

b. A showcase of stuff that isn’t at all cheap paired with extensive justifications of why it’s still a good value—or pretty much every page in Bazaar

c. Further evidence of magazines’ utter estrangement from the real world

InStyle’s entry into this category, “The Laws of Chiconomics,” is an unholy mélange of the three. (Also, “chiconomics”? What, “recessionista” wasn’t obnoxious enough?) The article offers eight rules for smart shopping, and below, I’ve singled out the most egregious of their instructions.

There’s a two-page abomination called “The Red Shoe Diaries,” wherein the author embarks on an oh-so-relatable quest to find the “perfect” pair of Louboutins for less than $200. Nothing is more fascinating than reading about someone else shopping for shoes! 

I’ll spare you the suspense—you must be in knots wondering whether she found the red-soled objects of her consumer lust—and skip right to the end.

And it was there, in the wedges queue, that I fell hard, vanquished by a pair of black suede mary jane platforms with a silver wedge—part schoolgirl, part vixen and utterly breathtaking. Trouble was, even at half off, they were still $410. That may qualify as a steal in the Louboutin universe, but it was double my target price. Sold!

What compelled InStyle to consider this a lesson in bargain-hunting I can’t say—apparently, relentless worship of designer goods is an outstanding way to economize! As if the cognitive dissonance caused by hunting for Louboutins in a time of fiscal crisis isn’t enough, this is the conclusion the article draws:

The point of a budget, like a diet, is not just to stick to it most of the time, but to make sure that when you don’t, your splurge is really worth it.

Living frugally is so easy! Just disregard your budget entirely if there's something you really want!

Then there’s a quiz, “What’s the Real Price?,” to determine whether an item is actually worth its price tag. It’s an interesting idea, decently executed—until the scoring key, that is. InStyle offers two ways to determine your score:

For the numbers wiz

And

If math isn’t your thing

Apparently, being a “numbers wiz” equates to earning a passing mark from eighth-grade math, because it requires you to calculate incredibly complex percentages like, say, 60% of $500. And I was naïve enough to question my math teachers about whether I’d actually use their lessons in real life!

In any case, shouldn’t an article that assumes a reader’s interest in the economy, discounts, and budgets assume that same reader has a basic competency in arithmetic?

But the real fun comes with “The Super-Luxe Bag Pricing Index,” which helpfully enumerates all the other things you could buy instead of a $31,000 “extremely limited edition Chanel bag…handmade from incredibly rare large-scaled alligator.” This spread unleashes some real dilemmas for the bargain shopper—is it better to drop 30 large on one purse or on 81,036 organic eggs or on 25 years of monthly flower deliveries? Or would it be a better investment for me to spend $31,000 on 8.6 years of health insurance? What a quandary!

Strangely, there's no mention of what can be purchased with $3.99 other than a copy of InStyle. Next month, I just might figure that out.

We Read It So You Don't Have To: Eva Longoria Parker Wants You to Know She Wears a Size Zero

Near the end of the “The Good Wife,” the profile of Eva Longoria Parker in the November issue of Allure, writer Judith Newman describes her subject this way:

Longoria Parker becomes quite animated during this discussion; there is always the sense that she is the little sister—and the hot girl—who was not always taken seriously.

A lack of self-awareness is so unbecoming. Having read this interview in its entirety, the only thing Newman takes seriously about Longoria Parker is her uterus. The woman is obsessing over the notion that an egg may have implanted itself in the actress’ womb. Such gynecological mania is a little unsettling, honestly.

But that’s not all the article contains! Also included:

• Multiple insinuations that, despite her denials, the actress is pregnant (Among the less-than-convincing factoids presented as evidence of an impending birth: she drank iced tea instead of wine with lunch and wore flats instead of Louboutin wedges)

• A painstaking dissection of the actress’ seven-pound weight gain

• The author “begging” the Desperate Housewives star to reveal whether she’s with child

Thought-provoking stuff, right? I’m not saying the two should have discussed the ongoing clashes in Congo. But even the most uninformed examination of that topic would have been a more enlightening read than the four outraged paragraphs that the star’s slight weight gain commands.

“I’ve stopped working out and gained about seven pounds over the summer, which is a lot for a small person,” she says. “But I’m still a size 0.”

Oh, good! Those size 2 women are just slothful!

“And yet every magazine is tearing me apart,” the actress continues. “It’s like, ‘Oh, my God! She’s fat!’ I hate that message they’re sending out to young women everywhere who think, ‘God, she’s a size 0, and she’s still too big.’…”

Magazines like this one, for which pregnancy is the only explanation for gaining weight?

Ordinarily, I’d concur wholeheartedly with Longoria Parker’s assessment—except that she vehemently reminds us readers that canceling her workouts was motivated by her character’s weight gain, and that she’s wearing padding on the show to simulate a more dramatic change. If you’re trying to sell the notion that the media is promoting unhealthy ideas about weight, maybe you shouldn’t protest at every available opportunity that you deliberately put on a few pounds for your extremely well-paying job. Maybe you shouldn’t announce that you’ve already gone back to your trainer to shed that extra weight, meaning you were a slightly more substantial size 0 for a month or two. Oh, the sacrifices thespians make for their art!

This is how she concludes her anti-tabloid screed:

“I never went up a size. I just got a little rounder.”

Why the repetitive rationalization based on her clothing size? Because if her size zeroes became a bit snug, then the criticism would be warranted? Because sizing up to a 2 would be definitive proof that she is, in fact, “fat”?

Of course not.  But judging by this article, Allure would probably take it as proof that she’s carrying quintuplets.

Live Blog: September Vogue's 798 Pages

Last week, when I bought an armful of September issues, the cashier at my favorite newsstand said, "You've got your reading cut out for you." Little did he know that I planned to spend an entire day poring over the pages of just one magazine.

For the record: I have not opened this issue of Vogue, nor have I read what any other blogs had to say about anything other than the cover. The only thing I've peeked at was the back cover, because by the time I reach it, I may be too delirious to realize I've reached the end.

We Read It So You Don't Have To: Spilling the Secrets of Cosmopolitan's Cover Lines

Sexy sex with him? Sexier sex clothes! Hair sex fashion sex naked sexy sex. To my admittedly biased eye, that’s what the cover lines of Cosmopolitan look like every single month. Each new issue kicks off an anxious inner monologue: Didn’t they promote those exact same stories last month? Why can’t they find a synonym for “sexy”? What is that one thing he wishes I knew about his body? Um, is anyone going to see me buying this? Better pick up a newspaper, too. See, newsstand guy, I’m smart! I’m just inordinately interested in shoving my cleavage up to my collarbone and finding out what’s really on his mind.

It would save me an awful lot of newsstand dithering if there were a quick, easy way to divine the solutions to the oh-so-important (and sexy!) dilemmas posed on the cover. So, in the interest of providing this valuable public service, I bought the September issue and read the articles highlighted on the cover to find the answers. Spoiler alert!

100 Sex Truths: Short and Sweet Answers to Burning Sex Questions. Put ‘Em To Use Tonight

If you can get through this Q-and-A without snorting in derision, you’re way more mature than I am. With its 20-words-or-less answers, this article reads like the transcript of an X-rated game show’s lightning round. For instance:

I’m dating a bad kisser. Does that mean he’ll totally suck in the sack?

Maybe

Also, I’m issuing demerits for lack of imagination (or junior-high gleefulness) about the topic covered in question 69. Don’t make me explain.

His Girlfriend Wish List: Do You Have These 9 Surprising Traits?

The only thing surprising about this list is that “a hot bod” isn’t on it. Otherwise, it’s the usual: you know, be cool to his friends, ignore his flaws, don’t break into his email account and flag messages from his friends as spam.

Sexier Hair: All New Looks!

Hey, Cosmo? An article called “Sex Up Your Style” probably shouldn't contain the sentence “They’re so easy, it’s ridiculous.” People might get the wrong idea. Just saying.

What He Thinks When You’re Butt Naked Besides Yes!

If I learned one thing from this article, it’s that men have Sherlock Holmes-level observational skills. For instance, in just one romantic romp, a man will notice subtle details like whether you invited him to your home. If he’s a real master of perception, he might also suss out that you’re running your fingernails down his back and that you’ve remained partially clothed during the interlude. Sharp!

Blake Lively: How She Snagged Fame and Happiness

Wouldn’t you be happy if you were a 5’10” television star with an equally hot and famous boyfriend and the ability to down three desserts in a single meeting with a Cosmo reporter? Yeah.

Guys Voted: The Sex Position They Lust For

Drum roll, please! The winner, voted the “sexiest position of all” in a Cosmo poll, is, in the words of the mag... “getting busy against a wall.” Whether or not it’s sexy, it’s certainly complex: this issue offers two full pages of tips and explanations. Gotta justify that $4.29 cover price somehow!

Fall Fashion Under $50-$75-$100

Indeed! An $88 white cotton tank top does qualify as fashion under $100.

Jeans Too Tight? This Trick Banishes Bloat in One Day

Cosmopolitan is on the forefront of medical research, revealing in this exclusive report that drinking several glasses of water in one day is a surefire way to rid your body of excess fluid so you can squeeze into your True Religions. Apparently, water is a clear, calorie-free liquid substance that the human body requires on a daily basis. Who knew?

I’m hoping Cosmo uses a cover line like “Why You Still Buy This Magazine Despite Its Overbearing Focus on Pleasing Men and Its Continued Inability to Offer Intelligent Discourse” soon. If they can shed some light on that mystery, I’ll buy that issue without a second of hesitation.

We Read It So You Don't Have To: What Jessica Biel Reveals in Bazaar

Jessica Biel landed the cover of the August issue of Bazaar—and inside, she’s the star of an eight-page feature that pairs her with five designers in a series of dance-inspired poses. I say “dance-inspired” because little actual dancing is evident, especially on the part of the designers. Vera Wang is “play[ing] ballerina” by sitting on a metal ladder. Is that how it works? Because in that case, I am “scaling Mt. Everest” while, in fact, I’m stretched out on my couch watching America’s Best Dance Crew. (What? Shut up.)

Aside from that noteworthy instruction in exaggeration, the article wasn’t totally without merit! Even though it’s ostensibly about Jessica Biel, the piece had three valuable truths to offer me. So, as an homage to Biel’s 7th Heaven days, I heretofore present the life lessons I learned from “Jessica Biel: Dancing with the Designers.” Cue the saccharine music, please!

1. The best roles for women in Hollywood involve sex, stripping, and single motherhood. The article claims Biel is an “A-list actress.” Quibble with that designation if you must, but the proof is in her upcoming roles. Right now she’s working on a political comedy called Nailed, playing a woman whose head injury has created “irrepressible sexual urges.” Perhaps not completely irredeemable, right? But next up, in Powder Blue—worst title ever?—she’ll “strut her stuff as a single-mom stripper.” Clearly the best way for an actress to “strut her stuff” is by working a pole! Why act when you have breasts?

2. Speaking of stripping: Every woman must defend or demean her body at every available opportunity. In the interview, Biel’s body is described as “bombshell”; she has a “tiny waistline” and wears size 26 jeans from 7 For All Mankind. (That’s equivalent to a size 2 or an extra-small.) My beef is not that those descriptions are inaccurate; it’s that they’re followed up with this quote:

“I am the shape that I am. I feel no shame in it, you know what I mean? My mother always made me feel just great the way I was.”

I’m going to go out on a limb here and proclaim that anyone who looks like Jessica Biel should not feel shame about her body. All this faux defensiveness, like Biel’s admission that she’d be home working out if not for this interview, just reinforces the idea that women should be ashamed of  their bodies, no matter how sculpted they are. If Biel feels comfortable playing an exotic dancer, then she probably doesn’t lie awake at night fretting over her thighs. Just a guess. And good for her.

3. What celebrities eat during interviews is relevant to my life. It must be, because why else would every single profile devote so many inches to what these women eat? It's a no-win situation for the stars themselves, so the mags must perceive some benefit to the reader. (Either the celebs eat sparingly, and every tabloid accuses them of eating disorders and/or drug addiction, or they eat heartily to prove how "normal" they are, and every tabloid accuses them of eating disorders and/or drug addiction.) In case you care, here’s what Biel consumes over the course of the Bazaar interview: mashed potatoes, “pecan-drenched grouper,” fried green tomatoes, and a bite of “oozing chocolate dessert.” But she turns down the “European fully fatted handmade butter with a hint of honey.” Well, my life is certainly enriched by the spellbinding revelation that Biel likes mashed potatoes and chocolate! I thought I was the only one!

The article closes with Biel walking home alone down a dark street, her studio-appointed bodyguard “following behind her at a safe enough distance that she’ll never notice him.” Creepy! Is there a lesson in that, too? I never knew Jessica Biel—and Bazaar—had so much to teach.

We Read It So You Don’t Have To: Marie Claire’s Guide to Surviving Unemployment

So! Times are tough! The world is spinning out of control, and even Marie Claire is feeling the pinch—they couldn’t decide which of the four Sex and the City cast members to put on the cover, and thus they attached four covers to the July issue. See? Out of control!

But Marie Claire knows life isn’t all Cosmos and Louis Vuittons. The July article “Surviving a Layoff” purports to provide the inside track on spotting—and getting past—a layoff unscathed. Well, I was laid off in April. When I saw the article teased on the cover, I actually felt a twinge of hope. Marie Claire was feeling my pain! Marie Claire was a trusted friend, ready to guide me through the dark hours of eating cereal in my pajamas at noon!

I was wrong.

The tales of three recently jobless women are included in the story. Since being mostly unemployed means I have tons of free time, and refreshing online job posting sites every ten minutes and waiting for the phone to ring is eating my soul, I read them all!

1. Layoff Victim #1 was an investment banker who brought home a hefty paycheck—a base salary of $85,000, and a bonus that could equal that. But she secretly hated her job! When her company let her go during a cost-cutting binge, she received six months’ pay and benefits. So she did what any recently laid-off woman would do: took a vacation to Florida! Now, apparently still living off her severance package, she’s decided to leave banking and, instead, break into the world of voiceover artistry. “I’ve always wanted to be in a cartoon,” she giggles. [“Giggles”  is their word, not mine, just for the record.]

2. Layoff Victim #2 was a TV news producer in Florida. When she lost her job, she was worried about also losing her $2000/month condo. Solution: take from retirement savings and borrow from Mom and Dad to pay the bills, but don’t give up too much! “You work so hard to get to a certain income level. Then you’re forced to limit yourself. I don’t think I should make myself have to live that way,” she says. LV2 is reconsidering her love of journalism and now spends her days blogging and “beefing up her Myspace page.” Seriously.

3. Layoff Victim #3 was let go a mere 106 days into a stint at Yahoo. Apparently important to her story is the detail that she had her own washer and dryer in her apartment. Poor thing, right? Read on! Within two days of being laid off, there were “several posts on well-read blogs” about her layoff, which lead to two job offers that were “less than perfect.” What our LV gained is confidence—she turned down those offers and has instead written a self-published book called Laid-Off Renegade. No word on whether the book is paying the bills or if she’s been forced to switch to the laundromat—because she lost her job in February 2008, and when you factor in Marie Claire’s lead time, was probably interviewed just days later. So she’s totally knowledgeable about the long-term ramifications of being laid off!

There is a brief sidebar that contains solid information about how to spot whether your job is on the chopping block. However, there are no pointers about financial planning or finding new employ, unless the anecdotes about voiceover classes and borrowing from your parents are what Marie Claire considers to constitute such advice. Or maybe they just figure we unemployed can’t afford the $3.50 cover price and aren’t reading this anyway.

We Read It So You Don't Have To: The Entire February Issue of Cosmopolitan

Okay, we’ve been away from the blog for a while. Now that we’re back, we feel a little penance is necessary—after all, you’re still here, aren’t you? So we read the ENTIRE ISSUE of Cosmopolitan this evening. Here are the highs, the lows, the points where we just couldn’t resist a smartass remark. Enjoy while we take a lengthy shower to decontaminate.

•    First, the cover, on which Katherine Heigl is wearing a truly appalling dusty pink Herve Leger bandage dress. Does anyone actually need horizontal lines encasing their entire body? Does this look good on anyone who doesn't weigh 110 pounds? Hell, it barely looks good on Heigl.  Anyway, our favorite cover lines:

10 Subliminal Tricks That Make People Adore You

Guess what? Reading Cosmo in public isn’t one of them!

John Mayer Shares Why All Guys Aren’t A**holes

Well, there’s an unlikely source for that story.

•    Best letter to the editor ever.

I want to give you a high five for featuring Beyonce on the cover of your December issue. Thank you so much for showing more diversity in your magazine and featuring our country as a whole!

Because, you know, Beyonce is really representative of “our country as a whole.”

•    Oh! What an honor! Katherine Heigl is Cosmo’s “Fun Fearless Female of the Year.” Apparently, she earned the title by going head-to-head with former costar Isaiah Washington:

Last year, after costar Isaiah Washington allegedly used an offensive word (faggot) to refer to T.R. Knight…Katherine spoke up against Isaiah at the Golden Globes. “You can’t give me too much credit for being brave,” she says now. “I was just a girl who had had a couple of drinks and was angry and got mouthy.”

But then she says this…

“As I was opening my mouth, I kept thinking, Shut up. But it’s an issue that I felt really passionately about.”

Well, which is it? Was she loose-lipped after drinking,l or did she feel strongly about defending Knight? Also, we LOVE how Cosmo put the f-word in italics, like it’s a foreign language or something.

Two other reasons Katherine’s so fun and fearless: She last cried watching an episode of Grey’s spin-off Private Practice, and she has her own line of hospital scrubs. Is that what passes for awesome at Cosmo HQ?

•    We’re skipping the confessions, because they make us feel old. Also because they’re completely fabricated. In any case, we can’t exactly relate to tales of women accidentally exposing themselves during a dormitory fire drill or puking in the boss’ potted plants, possibly because we’re at the advanced age of 31, or because the last time we were senselessly drunk, we cried about college football in the diner at the Palms hotel in Vegas at 4 in the morning. Hey, Cosmo, we’d be happy to write that up and submit it for an upcoming issue!

•    In “Man Manual,” Cosmo calls out mensfitness.com for proffering dumb advice that a woman wearing flats to a bar “certainly isn’t there to lure a mate.” And Cosmo certainly has the moral high ground here, since all of its advice is spot-on!

•    Here’s some ludicrous Hollywood trivia that’s supposed to be surprising insider information, from “Informer”:

In the movie Catch Me If You Can, Grey’s Anatomy star Ellen Pompeo plays the hot stewardess who hooks up with Leo DiCaprio’s character. Jennifer Garner also appears in the flick as—get this—a high-class hooker!

Get this! It’s called acting! Also, her IMDB entry!

•    We are deeply amused by the anatomical euphemisms used in the lingerie feature “Pour Some Sugar on Me.” Resolved: to start referring to our breasts as our “powerful pair,” just like Cosmo does.

•    John Mayer’s letter to us readers on page 101 gave us the creeps.

A guy who has to say he’s nothing like those other guys is usually exactly like those other guys. Also, “passion-filled endeavors”? Signing the note “I love you”? Think we’ll pass on that drink, John.

Here are Cosmo’s other “Fun Fearless Male” honorees:

Chris Brown, who has eight tattoos! Fun!

Dave Annable, who has “always been scared of sharks in a little-girl way.” Fearless!

Dane Cook, who tells a scintillating tale of eating bad shellfish on a date. “I went to the bathroom and knew it was going to be an all-night situation, so I told her we had to drive home…and that I’d have to stop a couple times on the way.” Suave!

James McAvoy, who…well…we have nothing bad to say about him.

Tony Romo, who says football is “not as glamorous as everyone thinks.” Revealing!

John Krasinski, who should have combed his hair and worn something other than an undershirt for the photo, but we lurve him anyway.

Dave Salmoni, who is apparently some kind of wild-animal daredevil. Uh, reckless?

Common, who enjoyed playing a police officer in the upcoming movie The Night Watchman because he “got to learn about the ghetto part of Los Angeles.” Seriously.

Peter Krause, who likes to speak in clichés! “There’s something very romantic about doing things that make you feel incredibly alive.” Original!

Tom Anderson, who we deleted from our Myspace friends.

And Zac Efron, who…God. Do we really have to explain why no grown woman should be interested in him?

•    Wait. Why are there twelve fun fearless males, but only one female?

•    “9 Big Secrets of Male Arousal”: One of those secrets is that a man’s nose is an erogenous zone. Well, they get credit for trotting out a sex tip we are absolutely certain we’ve never seen before.

•    “Get Him to Go There”: You know how Cosmo won’t use the word “hair” twice in the same article, instead subbing “tresses,” “locks,” “strands,” and “sun-catching silk”? Well, they do the same with female genitalia! In the one-page story “Get Him to Go There,” writer Elise Nersesian uses the following terms:

Ahem, bush

Down below

Between your legs

Privates

Southern regions

Below the belt

Your goods

•    Aah! There’s more! In “The Most Satisfying Sex Position,” Bethany Heitman uses the expression “hot button.” TWICE.

•    There may be only one fun fearless female, but there are stories of five women who were “Young and Murdered.” Ah, so that’s the other way young women can get media coverage!

•    Then there’s “I Suddenly Had Baby Panic,” which sums up the decision to be a single mother like this:

I’m a romantic. I wanted the partner, then the baby…before long, I was considering single motherhood. A baby was my priority, so I decided to make it happen despite the obstacles.

Single motherhood isn’t exactly a fresh topic for a women’s magazine, but they could have printed something slightly more thoughtful than this. Writer Louise Sloan talks about searching for a sperm donor and “shopping for eye color the way you select pumps in red or navy.” Oh, excellent comparison. We never would have understood otherwise. Either Cosmo thinks its readers are sexually precocious twelve-year-olds, or they think we’re stupid. We can’t decide which is a worse editorial philosophy.

•    “It’s A Wild, Wild Life,” a fashion spread with way too much khaki, uses the following caption:

She always wanted to use that line “I am woman, hear me roar.”

Using a feminist anthem to sell clothes? And we thought we were cynical.

•     “The Secrets of Being an ‘It Girl’”: Apparently it has something to do with being named Jessica, as both Alba and Biel are pictured in the opening spread. No need to read this one!

•    Oh no! Another way we could die! “Beware of This Scary Infection” tells us all about MRSA, which is one more disease whose transmission can be prevented by thorough hand-washing, but which we’re going to fret about anyway!

•    This is why we don’t normally spend any time on the “Red-Hot Read.”

He really does want to make me his own personal ice-cream sundae, she thought and gasped as the ice cream dripped from the spoon onto her belly, her hips, her thighs…

This “erotic” story really does want to trot out every tired cliché, she thought, and rolled her eyes as she realized it was possible to write graphically about sex and still be totally dull...

•    Ooh, our horoscope! “Uninhibited booty awaits!”

•    Finally, the last page of this issue, the “Cosmo Quiz.” Turns out we’re “flirt averse,” but we think that just translates to Cosmo-averse. Good night!

We Read It So You Don't Have To: Reese Witherspoon Won't Discuss Her Shoes With Elle

This is how “Wild at Heart,” Elle’s interview with Reese Witherspoon (October), begins: 

She has class, sass, and a gorgeous…laugh.  Reese Witherspoon is living proof that the South always rises again.

And this is the first paragraph in the story:

“The fact that you’re drinking is making me very, very happy,” Reese Witherspoon says, eyeing the glass of white wine on the table.  “I think it’s great to drink in the middle of the day.  I would join you, but I gotta drive to pick up the kids.  You’re taking taxis everywhere.  You could get drunk!”  This cracks her up.  “You could go from appointment to appointment highly, highly smashed!”

Uh, yeah, that’s hilarious. Where’s the class and sass?  Not on display in this article!  Instead, she comes off like...well, like writer Holly Millea had trouble getting her to discuss anything at all.

For instance:

“I am.  I’m fun.  I can be really fun.  I can tell we’d have a lot of fun if the tape was off.”

But, apparently, the recorder was on for an agonizingly long time.  We just can’t find the fun in this joke, which is oh-so-helpfully presented entirely without context:

“Why do Southern women make bad prostitutes?” she asks, answering: “’Cuz we have to write so many thank-you notes!”  This sends her into stitches.  It’s her mother’s favorite joke.  “And so true!”

We aren’t sure if we’re more confused by the punch line or by the appearance of “cuz” in print.

“I was excited for the red shoes [she wore to the Golden Globes],” admits Witherspoon, whose idea it was to wear them.  Asked why, she smiles like a cat and blinks.  “I don’t have a good answer for that.”

Why doesn’t she have an answer?  Probably because no one in the history of the celebrity profile has bothered to ask an Oscar-winning actress why she wanted to wear red shoes.   They were red!   Her dress was yellow!  The shoes and dress were color-coordinated, and the pairing was smashing.  That should be reason enough, and if it isn’t, we simply can’t muster up the energy to care why she chose those shoes.  Or is there some interviewer-interviewee subtext we’re missing?

Speaking of that Oscar…

“It’s real purty on my bookcase…”

“Purty”?

Want to know about Witherspoon’s childhood?  Here’s a charming story:

“My dad has pulled so many gross things out of ear canals,” she says, thrilling to the ickiness.  “You don’t want to know.  You wouldn’t want to sleep tonight.  Bugs!  Bugs!  They scrape on your eardums!”  With a crazed look she uses an index finger to illustrate.  “Can you imagine how excruciating that must be?”

Well, if reading about it is anywhere as excruciating as experiencing it…

And then there’s the closing quote.  Witherspoon is talking about Splendor in the Grass.  She’s quoted for several sentences in which she describes the end of the film, because, you know, revelations about a movie from 1961 will have to suffice in lieu of actual revelations about the subject of the profile.  Then she says this:

“You know when you realize that movies don’t always have happy endings and maybe that is a happy ending?”

And that’s the abrupt conclusion of the article, which was definitely a happy ending for us.