Glossed Over

To-Do List • Attempting to walk in Lucky’s shoes? Deadline’s approaching! The cut-off to enter the magazine’s caption-writing contest is Monday, March 3, at 11:59 p.m. Eastern.

And if you’re looking for reading material beyond the new issue of Vogue (what is up with Drew Barrymore on the cover?), these stories have captured our attention this week:

• Anna Wintour responds to Carine Roitfeld calling her a “puppet” by refusing to comment, thereby crushing our hopes for an all-out intercontinental war between the Vogue editors.

• Take a glimpse at the past—and the present, and, we fear, the future—of women’s magazines. (Thanks, Melinika!)

• InStyle mixes up the non-Beyoncé members of Destiny’s Child.

• And are Holocaust memorials wildly inappropriate locales for fashion shoots? One brand, facing backlash from shots of a male model at the Vienna monument, admits they “didn’t think through everything.” Well, that much is clear. (via SuperColossal)

A Glossed Over Guide: How to Be Carine Roitfeld, Editor of French Vogue

Carine Roitfeld, the editor of French Vogue, is the subject of a profile in the current issue of New York magazine. The article by Amy Larocca radiates a staggering amount of antipathy—perhaps best exemplified by the choice to recreate Roitfeld’s Gallic accent and broken English verbatim. (Actual quote: “I have in my office—what you call in America?”)

Perhaps because we’re so accustomed to the sickly sweet world of fashion magazine profiles, where everybody loves everybody else, we were thrilled to see an actual, honest-to-goodness point of view. Whether we agree with Larocca’s take is almost irrelevant; we learned so much from this profile. Roitfeld may be near  universally revered as an arbiter of chic, but many of her secrets were laid bare. What did we learn about navigating the tricky path to becoming a top magazine editor?

1. Portray yourself in the best possible light. Literally.

She is a fiftyish woman having a double espresso in the lobby of the Carlyle on Madison Avenue. “For me, it is best to be the youngest in hotel,” she explains, “and I was not having this feeling at the Mercer.” She has come to New York for her son Vladimir’s 23rd birthday, which she celebrated the night before with dinner at Indochine. “It makes me happy because there is vewy great lighting,” she says about the restaurant. “Vewy flatter.” (Roitfeld has reached a compromise with the hard American r by converting them all to ws.)

2. Believe in yourself, regardless of immaterial details like training or education.

“Some editors, they have that, they know all the designer from the beginning of the nineteenth century. They know this is triple cashmere, this is simple cashmere. Maybe they went to fashion school. Me, I don’t. I just get a feeling about what is exciting. It is all just from feeling. So I don’t know”—she pulls her lips into a pout and gives one of those poufy little French exhales—“I think maybe I have a talent.”

3. Do everything you can to keep fashion the exclusive province of the wealthy and slender.

Because of this, Roitfeld’s French Vogue is the polar opposite of most American fashion magazines. It is unconcerned with making fashion wearable or accessible to its readers. It is not inclusive: There is no advice on how to dress if you’re shaped like a pear or about to turn 50.

In Roitfeld’s world, models are never too skinny, diamonds are never too expensive.

4. Lob passive-aggressive insults at more influential editors. (Excellent! We’ve got a head start on mastering this one.)

“The American editors are very, how you say, slick,” Roitfeld says. “Very perfect. Hair is perfect, they have a manicure. They are very clean, they follow fashion. I don’t think they take many risks. They do the total look of Prada. Me, I wear a lot of Japanese piece mixed with a bit of classic Hermès and Prada. Even though jeans suit me, I never wear jeans.”…

“It’s very difficult not to become a puppet,” she says of it all. “Like Anna, she becomes so iconic that she becomes like a puppet. I don’t want to be like that, I don’t want to wear this uniform, I don’t want to be just an envelope.”

Roitfeld styled a shoot last year in homage to Wintour’s look, puppetlike or not, starring a model with a bob, dark sunglasses, and many a fur coat. (“PETA, they like to pay attention to her, not to me,” she says, “so this is good for me.”)

5. Bite the hand that feeds you.

In an industry where accessories count for the bulk of her advertisers’ revenue, she has this to say: “Right now I think that fashion in the world becomes a bit boring. There is so much money, and I feel a bit when you go to shows they want to sell so many handbags, and for me, well, I do not like handbags. I do not wear handbags. It is not a nice look, to carry a handbag.”

6. Look for the good in everyone!

“…So people always say that I weigh my staff, and it is totally wrong. All my girls are very skinny and very chic and very beautiful. And if they are not beautiful, well, then they are very charming. So people always say that I weigh them, but no. I don’t weigh my girls.”

7. Know what tools are essential for doing your job well.

Her desk is nearly empty—Roitfeld does not know how to use a computer—save for a telephone, a pair of black suede gloves, some color printouts of a fashion shoot, and a tiny snakeskin clutch.

8. Have an open mind about other cultures!

Roitfeld is 48 hours off a ten-day vacation in Thailand during which she worked a great deal on meditation.

How was this trip?

“You think this will be so glamorous,” she sighs. “You have the idea in your mind and then you get there and the people in the hotel …” She grimaces and gestures hugely in the hip area. “There were lots of people who were so fat and like that.”

Well, we hope they were at least charming!

More Glossed Over Guides: Parlaying Your Pregnancy Into Press; Becoming a Big-Time Beauty Editor

Lowest Common Denominator: Vogue, January

75: Number of “hot tips for 2008” promised on the cover

13: Number of photos of “plus-size” models appearing on a pull-out calendar inside the issue

Bucketloads: Amount GlaxoSmithKline must have paid for the calendar, which is an advertisement for weight-loss supplement Alli

Infinite: The disappointment that, other than the Shape Issue, this is the only time we’ll ever see models who even approximate average sizes in Vogue (And let’s be honest—it’s not as if the token appearance of two plus-size models in last year’s issue constitutes a valid attempt to portray a more diverse range of body types.)

$200,000: Amount given to the first-place winner for the CFDA/Vogue Fashion Fund, as explained by Anna Wintour

Endless: Measure of our wonder at the workings of  André Leon Talley’s mind, hence our decision to post his quote from the “Contributors” page despite the fact that no actual numbers are involved.  (Except, you know, dollars.)

What is your New Year’s fashion resolution?

“To order custom Charvet pique tennis shorts and silk kneesocks the color of clotted cream and Manolo Blahnik white suede brogues, for spectator sports at the U.S. Open.”

1: First-person essay about abortion, Lori Campbell’s “Private Lives”

1: Irksome photo accompanying the piece.  In it, the author poses with her daughter in the street, while wearing high-end clothes and towering heels.  Predictably, she is thin, white, and attractive.  Would Vogue have published this essay if its author weren’t so camera-ready? (Remind us some time to talk about this more.  The trend of photographing authors and magazine staffers—ahem, Lucky—only lends credence to the idea that you have to be conventionally beautiful to partake of fashion and/or work at a magazine.)

77 and 78: Pages on which this perception is furthered. Matilde Borromeo, the youngest daughter of an aristrocratic Italian family, is described by William Norwich as

...so chicly comported that you just assumed their first baby steps had to have been taken on the deck of some great yacht...Someone asked if she might linger in New York; surely a fashion house or magazine would be happy to employ her.

$250: Price of a pair of Stuart Weitzman heels that Ivanka Trump deems “not wildly expensive”

3: Number of weeks elapsed between model Natalia Vodianova giving birth and appearing in seven runway shows

0: Relevance this fact has to the story in which it appears, “Peerless”

10: Number of women on Vogue’s best-dressed list

5: Number of women on the list who are current or former models (Kathryn Neale, Astrid Munoz, Georgina Chapman, Kelly Wearstler, and Agyness Deyn)

$165: Price of a fedora worn by Kate Hudson’s four-year-old son, Ryder, in “Sunny Side Up!”

Plum Sykes on the picket line • The WGA writer’s strike isn’t just a tough on writers and crew members whose projects have been discontinued.  No, it’s a definite hardship for fashion’s elite, too.  Witness the dilemma Plum Sykes (who’s adapting her novel into a screenplay and is therefore on strike) faces as she prepares to protest on the streets of New York:  “...what on earth does a Voguette wear to picket?”  Yes, she’s serious. 

In this piece for New York magazine, Sykes then proceeds to seek advice from an unnamed “society hostess” and fellow Vogue writer William Norwich, who are probably two of the least helpful people on Earth when it comes to unions, picket lines, and most any other topic.  Her ruminations on the subject are the most self-absorbed take on the writer’s strike yet—and, quite possibly, ever.  If only screenwriting weren’t the sole kind of work she’s forbidden right now.  [via Fashionista]

Vogue: The Best Way to Spend A Lot of Money on A Little Fabric

More than once, we’ve been accused of rampant, ceaseless cynicism.  And with good reason, too!  But now that the holiday season is upon us, and the sounds of joyous carols and demanding children are wafting through the chilly air, we decided to turn over a new leaf.  We are perfectly capable of seeing the good in everyone…if we really, really try.

So we decided to trot out our new viewpoint on a visit to the newsstand.  We smiled genuinely at the strange guy chatting with the cashier about a lady he squired around the city this weekend.  His revelations were a wee bit indelicate, but we’re sure he’s truly a gentleman.  In fact, he wouldn’t even let his special friend stay overnight, since he knew her cat would be worried if she didn’t return home before daybreak.  What a prince!

Anyway.  Peering at the colorful covers of our favorite magazines, one jumped out at us immediately.  It was Vogue’s December issue, and we were instantly touched by the way the issue was striving to include the concerns of everyday women in its fashion editorial.  Why, just look at this cover line:

Cocktail dresses that don’t cost a fortune

Aw, it’s adorable when an elite (elitist?) publication works to speak to us little people.  We ought to give them credit—this one-and-a-half page article in the 430-page December issue really forced the staff to break out of its comfort zone of ultra-luxe fashions!  It was so sweet of them to even consider women like us that we forked over $3.99 without hesitation.  At home, we quickly flipped to “A Dress for Less,” which we were sure would be super-helpful.  It took just five minutes to read the entire article, and we definitely appreciate Vogue being so considerate of our busy schedule!

Sykes Mystery from September Vogue Solved: The True Meaning of "Harrogatha"

Well, at least one of the things we’ve wondered about Plum Sykes has been put to rest!  Back in September, we questioned the existence of the word “harrogatha,” as used in Sykes’ September Vogue article about stylist Ashley Javier, “At the Parlor.”

Also, exclusive hairstylists apparently speak their own language:

When he arrived on Twenty-eighth Street, “This place was harrogatha!  Harrogatha!”

We do not know this word.  Anyone?

We wrote that, and we promptly forgot about it.

Our husband (er, my husband), on the other hand, was truly intrigued by this strange word.  Last week, without any prompting (we swear!),  he sought an answer on Ask Metafilter and then wrote to Vogue, while intrepid MeFite Veronica Sawyer (whom we want to be friends with based on that handle alone) actually called Ashley Javier.

So here’s the deal on Harrogatha, courtesy of our new hero Ms. Sawyer:

When Ashley moved to NYC 15 years ago, he befriended Paul Rutherford of Frankie Goes to Hollywood fame.

So harrogatha (pronounced huh-RAH-gutha) is a term that he picked up from Paul and it means that something is so horrible, so horrendous, so bad that it’s practically infectious.

Ashley’s not sure where Paul picked it up, or if he made it up.

And Vogue representative Phyllis Rifield admits the word is made up:

He has lots of made-up words to express his extraordinary point of view on life.

To summarize: A word of unclear origin was used in an interview.  Sykes wrote it into her story.  And then, not a single editor at Vogue bothered to question its meaning…or, you know, explain a completely fake word to us lowly readers, many of whom have never even been invited for a Javier haircut!  That’s an “extraordinary point of view” indeed!

“I think Anna is a terrific lady” • Lloyd Grove recently interviewed designer Elie Tahari for Portfolio.com, and the two discussed everything from Israel to fashion shows to Angelina Jolie. Representative of the crackling exchanges in the Q & A:

L.G.: But didn’t you used to go to Studio 54?

E.T.: Yeah.

L.G.: Did you have trouble meeting women? I’m sorry for you.

E.T.: Um, no, I’ve been lucky. I was good-looking when I was young. [Laughs.]

“I’m sorry for you”?  Such a rarely used phrase in journalism!

Anyway, the whole thing gets really vague when Tahari sort of discusses having breakfast with Anna Wintour for the first time, why Tahari designs haven’t been featured in Vogue until recently, and how the whole situation is “a bit sensitive to talk about—between me and my wife.”  Juicy!  Anna Wintour causing marital discord? Sadly, Grove doesn’t probe Tahari (who comes across as quite reticent to discuss the matter) on that point, but we did enjoy this exchange about the editor-in-chief:

L.G.: What is it with you? I saw a quote where somebody was pointing out that Vogue had pretty much ignored you, and you said, "I guess I’m not important enough for Vogue."
 
E.T.: No, no. Well, that quote was taken out of context. But look, I think Anna is a terrific lady, and I—

L.G.: Yada yada yada. I understand.

Read the whole interview here.

Airfare Costs More Than Lipstick •Many years ago, a man from Amsterdam posed this question to us: “If a person who speaks three languages is trilingual, and a person who speaks two languages is bilingual, what do you call someone who speaks one language?”  He smirked and leaned toward us before giving the answer. “An American,” he said.  Ha!  Wow, that guy was a jerk—albeit pretty much on target.

We were reminded of this while flipping through our stack of French magazines. Each of them has a feature on international travel. Of the American magazines, only Vogue has a regular travel section, unless you count Lucky’s city shopping guides, which…we don’t.  Of course, American mags never come with Paris Hilton tarot cards, so we guess it’s a fair trade.

André Leon Talley Gets Paid to Tell Us What to Wear

Does he always dress this way around Jennifer Hudson?

Image from TMZ via Getty

More Vogue: Grooming Habits of the Grossly Overprivileged

No, no, we’re not liveblogging the rest of Vogue.  (Sure, we’re masochistic for even trying, but we aren’t gluttonous enough to go at it again.) Anyway, the September issue is practically bursting with content from Plum Sykes, whom we love to loathe—three whole articles!  We’d only read her personal essay about her life-changing endeavor to wear brooches.  (Which we bemoaned at length in our live blog, mostly due to, well, its length.)

But there are two more pieces penned by Ms. Sykes in this issue!  First up, there’s a breathless account of a Manhattan hair atelier, “At the Parlor.”  The premise: stylist Ashley Javier caters to the wealthy and famous by cutting their hair in his penthouse apartment…on an invitation-only basis.   Oh, what a tempting glimpse at the services available to those with lots of money and nothing to spend it on but their tresses!  Still, those joining the exclusive ranks of Javier’s clientele may find his services rather challenging.  See, his clients must first wind their way through—gasp!—an unfashionable part of Manhattan!

There is a scruffy gray commercial building on the corner of Twenty-eighth Street and Fifth Avenue.  Devoid of glamour, it is situated on the kind of grim Manhattan intersection that can provoke clinical depression in even the cheeriest girl.

Well, we’re depressed by the prospect of a hair salon to which clients must be invited, but we don’t think that’s what Plum’s talking about.  And speaking of a downer:

Cuddling the Yorkie, [Javier] says the dog was “a gift from Jemma Kidd and Arthur Mornington.  He’s called Tennessee, but his middle name is Morningkidd.”

Seriously?  People give their dogs middle names?  Also, exclusive hairstylists apparently speak their own language:

When he arrived on Twenty-eighth Street, “This place was harrogatha!  Harrogatha!”

We do not know this word.  Anyone?

For good measure, one of our favorite quotes from the article!

He started decorating in earnest, and “my taste fell together.  If you want to get close to yourself, forget therapy.  Decorate.”

Even better is this gem from Chloe Sevigny:

“I need a snip.  I’m going out for dinner with Bill Paxton.”  Ashley explains that he only “dusts” Chloe’s hair.  “I don’t trust L.A. hairdressers,” she adds…

Must be difficult, not being able to find one single person to cut your hair in a metropolitan area of thirteen million people.  Who knew the Los Angeles area faced such a dire shortage of appropriately trained stylists?  Someone launch a charity event, quickly!

Finally, as Plum wraps up her stay at the penthouse/salon:

Ashley, still bubbling with infectious energy, exclaims, “Adios, Sugarpuss!’…

If only we could bid farewell to Sugarpuss Sykes!  Alas, we’ll be flipping to her third contribution to the September issue, “Village People,” to discover which part of the lives of the over-privileged she’ll illuminate for us next.  We have so much to learn!

Live Blog: Reading September's Vogue

Here goes nothing something, we hope. We’ve never live blogged before, and to our knowledge, no one else has live blogged a magazine before. There may be a reason for that. Guess we’€™ll find out! We should mention that we have not even opened the September issue of Vogue until now, nor have we read other blogs’ takes on the issue. We have no idea what to expect and only the most optimistic of hopes that we’ll be done before Conan O’Brien starts.

8:04 p.m.: Sienna’€™s eyebrows are the exact same thickness as Gwyneth’€™s are on the cover of W.  Guess we’€™re all supposed to break out the eyebrow pencil this fall.

8:05 p.m.: The cover says the issue is

Extra-extra large!  Our biggest issue ever

Which really means more ads than ever before.  Less to read, more for Vogue to tout!  Great!  Okay, enough with the cover...now we’re actually going to open the magazine.

8:08 p.m.: Serious lust for the Gucci jacket and gloves in the ad about a dozen pages in.

8:10 p.m.: Next ad spread is Hilary Rhoda for Estee Lauder.  Is she the one who kicked off the thick brow craze?  Confidential to Sienna:  Hilary’s look good because they’€™re natural.  And next, more of the Yves Saint Laurent ads with Gisele.  Love the right-hand page shot of Gisele from the waist down...we would hang that on the wall, poster-size.

8:12 p.m.: Cavalcade of celebs!  Kate Winslet for Tresor, six pages of Angelina Jolie for St. John, Halle Berry for Revlon.

8:13 p.m.: Four Prada pages with strange black plastic-looking...things.  We don’€™t get it.  Someone explain?

8:15 p.m.: We’€™ve arrived at the table of contents, page 54.

8:19 p.m.: So if Kate Moss looks like Grover from Sesame Street in that fluffy electric blue Versace coat, how will any mere mortals wear the thing?  We like the strapless dress with the opaque black tights, though.  Yes, we’™re in the middle of another 50 pages of ads and still haven’t hit the rest of the table of contents.

8:22 p.m.: Jordache is advertising?  Really?  Also, after three kids in short succession, if Heidi Klum’s actual body looks remotely like it does in this ad (besides the Barbie-like lack of nipple), we were gypped in the genetic lottery.  Sigh.  When does Project Runway come back?

8:26 p.m.: Look!  More contents!  Page 96.  Do you read the table of contents except to find a specific  article?  We usually don’€™t bother lest the descriptions actually convince us not to read something.  Like the article by Plum Sykes in this issue, which we’€™ll totally read because we hate her, but listen to the way it’€™s listed here:

Plum Sykes tackles brooches big and small in search of one that sticks

See?  We’re turned off for reasons that have nothing to do with our rampant dislike of Plum.  (Note to self:  Find out if that is, in fact, her real first name.)

8:31 p.m.: The power in our apartment just went out for no apparent reason.  We had to stop blogging to play with circuit breakers!  At least something happened...we were starting to get bored by the endless ads--Calvin Klein, Michael Kors, Bulova.  Blah.

8:38 p.m.: Soooo many ads.  Still.  The same Molly Sims Cover Girl ad we’ve been seeing for months.  Valentino’s Rock ’€™n Rose--a model covering her breasts with flower petals!  How very cutting-edge.  We’re just flipping through now in an apparently vain search for content.

8:41 p.m.:  Hey, look!  More contents on page 146!  According to "Cover Look," Sienna is wearing a cream ostrich-plume dress by Marchesa.  Would you believe we were so captivated by her brows that we didn’t even notice the feathers?  Clearly, our powers of observation need some work.

8:44 p.m.: Dillard’€™s bought eight pages of ads and the only notable thing about them is the dog.  Cute pup!

8:46 p.m.: Okay, this Taryn Rose ad?  New heights of ridiculousness.  The model is wearing a short, low-cut dress with a fur stole and leopard-print heels.  Not so weird...except that she’€™s apparently standing outside a medieval cottage with a wooden door pruning her garden.  (No, that’s not a metaphor--she’s holding a pair of clippers in one pink rubber glove-clad hand and a long-stemmed bud in the other.)  Also?  Not a single flower on any of the plants in the photo.  Ads that make no sense make us wince.  We’€™re idealists.

8:50 p.m.: Guess what?  More ads for crap we can’€™t afford!

8:51 p.m.: Teri Hatcher in lingerie for Badgley Mischka.  The good: There’s actually a tiny crease in the flesh of her bare stomach, as if she’€™s at a normal body weight.  (Ha!)  The bad:  Her face looks more youthful than when she was on Lois and Clark.

8:55 p.m.: Another page of contents, though we’re pretty sure by now this issue contains nothing but more tables of contents and ads.  Lots and lots of ads.

8:57 p.m.: An ad for Sarah Jessica Parker’s Covet.  Just go away already.  We are not interested in a perfume that will supposedly compel us to COMMIT A CRIME and break a window in order to snatch the basketball-sized bottle of chartreuse liquid.  Still better than the TV commercials for the stuff, though.

9:01 p.m.: Christy Turlington!  A supermodel!  How very novel.

9:02 p.m.: Hey, Gap, we see Selma Blair and Lucy Liu featured in your current campaign.  They’€™re lovely people, we’€™re sure, but is that the best you can do?  If you were trying to land hip and relevant actresses for your ads, you’re a few years behind with those two.  Also, why did you destroy any charm Sarah Silverman might have had?  She looks like a malformed emo Annie Hall in this picture!

9:05 p.m.: Editor’s letter, page 208...interrupted by fifteen more pages of ads.  Sorry, Anna, what were you saying?  Making the September issue is like making a movie?

9:08 p.m.: We spoke too soon--twenty more pages of ads, including a repeat of an ad for ShopVogue.com.  How many times will that one pop up, we wonder?

9:13 p.m.: Anna Wintour says that Jack McCollough and Lazaro Hernandez, the designers behind Proenza Schouler, “live a very downtown and bohemian life.” So $375 tanks are what pass for “bohemian” in Wintour’s world.  Yikes.   

9:13 p.m.: Sienna Miller looks far better in the ads for Tod's than she does on the cover.  Dare we say, with these photos, we almost understand the hype.

9:15 p.m.: Tony Blair is on the cover of Men’s Vogue.  So if you want to appear on a magazine cover, you only have to be young and good-looking if you’re a woman!  Sure, Blair’€™s got plenty to talk about...but so does, say, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, and we don’€™t expect to see her on a fashion mag any time soon.  Or ever, really.

9:22 p.m.: Ad for Ports 1961. “€œOtherworldly”€ is the kindest way we can describe this look.  A sad contrast to the Lily Cole for Bloomingdale’€™s spread immediately preceding this.

9:25 p.m.: Stretch!

9:25 p.m.: Ad for Le Mystere No. 9, the bra for women with breast implants.  No, really.

9:27 p.m.: Six pages promoting fur!  Hope Anna Wintour’s prepared to get another cream pie in the face at the Paris shows this fall.  The ad calls fur “the natural, responsible choice”--natural, sure, but responsible?  How’s that?  Is the use of fur somehow keeping the tragic overpopulation of minks in check?

9:39 p.m.: Time for “Life with Andre”!

9:44 p.m.: We aren’t the most fashion-savvy person by any means, but we still hate when we’re confused by Talley’s fashion references.  He’s like the couture version of Dennis Miller.  Like this:

Back on the thirty-seventh floor, what her corduroy coat was to her elegant Schiaparelli side, the fire-engine maxi, worn over a bird-of-paradise black evening column and accessorized with a black leather visor right out of The Wild One with Marlon Brando, shows her fresh Claire McCardell side.

We’re guessing he doesn’t subscribe to the belief that high fashion should be accessible to everyone.

9:51 p.m.:  Um, our power just went off again.  Not fun this time!

9:52 p.m.: A Valentino ad between pages of “Life with Andre.”  The slicked-back hair and red lips are very 80's Robert Palmer video.

9:57 p.m.: Okay, shameful confession time.  We started to read “The Gift,” an article about Nabokov, but then we looked at the clock and realized we’d never finish it before The Hills begins.  Some priorities we have.

10:01 p.m.: Audrina’s going out with that freak JustinBobby again?  Nabokov can wait.  Yes, we are filled with an appropriate amount of self-loathing.

10:05 p.m.: Gwen Stefani looks hot in the ad for L.A.M.B. perfume, even if the stuff does smell an awful lot like Clinique’s Happy.  Bonus points for affixing the ad and sample with an adhesive strip so it’s easy to remove.

10:07 p.m.: The ad for Payless shoes includes the word “bootine.”  Please, please tell us that is not a real word.  We’re making a stand right now—we will fight to prevent that word from entering the vernacular.  “Bootine”?  That’s just stupid.  Even “bootlet” would be way better, assuming we need to start inventing words for every possible permutation of shoe.  Which we don’t.

10:11 p.m.: Note on The Hills:  We are so, so glad we are no longer 21 and single in L.A.  We wouldn’t go back if you paid us in free magazines for life.

10:12 p.m.: According to their ad, Lord & Taylor sells the perfect clothes for playing croquet on the lawn of your mansion with kids dressed in breastplates and doublets.  Great!  We were looking for exactly the right outfit for our next event!

10:17 p.m.: We’re pretty sure we’ll never actually wear teal, yellow, and purple together, but that Kate Spade ad makes the color combo look incredible.  We want those red knee socks something bad.

10:23 p.m.: Another reason we can’t abide Plum Sykes.  On the “Contributors” page, she says she’s most looking forward to the onset of fall because she plans on 

“Getting Michael Kors’s uberchic little black minisuit and wearing it to lunch as soon as Labor Day is over”

Is she the only person on earth still adhering to the rules about which colors you can wear in which months?  Or at least the youngest person alive who won’t wear black in the summer?

10:29 p.m.: Rebecca Romijn’s face looks like a doll’s in the ad for Bebe, and not in a good way.

10:33 p.m.: Best part of the “Letters from Readers” about the Keira Knightley-and-elephant photo shoot from June?  This sentence:

Twelve of us, plus guide, braved the elements to camp in the Kalahari and Moremi Game Reserves, often besieged by hyenas, elephants, and rampaging hippos—not to mention a killer lion or two.

Wait, these people were trekking in the wild, and the animals were besieging them?  Come on!

10:45 p.m.: Taking a quick break, be right back.

11:15 p.m.:  We’ve returned.  Checking out “The Magic Touch.”

11:29 p.m.: Still strangely fascinated by “The Magic Touch,” chronicling a woman’s journey to India where she performs therapeutic massage on leprosy patients.

11:31 p.m.:  Did we say Sienna Miller’s brows were thick?  They’re nothing compared to the model in the Vera Wang ad.  Wow…just…wow.  We have no words.

11:36 p.m.: Just finished the story.  Guess how it ends?  Surprise!  The Western woman goes to help the needy, but they end up helping her change!  Oops, sorry for the spoiler!  Also, there’s this:

I could face almost anything—even India’s crazed rickshaw drivers, waiting just beyond the village gates.

That’s the worst thing she has to face?  Rickshaw drivers are the terrible fate she’s been dealt?

11:43 p.m.:  Jenny Lewis of Rilo Kiley in “Talking Fashion.”  Considering the rest of page 422 features the usual suspects—Katie Holmes, Kirsten Dunst, Cate Blanchett—this is a good thing, even if Jenny’s minidress is horrid.

11:47 p.m.:  William Norwich attends a party thrown by Jessica Seinfeld.  This can’t possibly be interesting or relevant.  On to the next story!

11:49 p.m.:  So we skip the gratuitous society party story, and what do we get?  An endless ad for Juicy and the same ShopVogue.com ad we’ve already seen twice!  It’s like the magazine knew we were skipping something and decided to punish us for it!

11:51 p.m.:  More Vera Wang ad pages, these ones dedicated to her line for Kohl’s.  We’re pleased to report that these pics feature utterly normal eyebrows, meaning Wang has her finger firmly on the pulse of…well…wherever there are Kohl’s stores.  (Though we doubt the ultra-thick eyebrows are going to fly anywhere outside of fashion circles.) 

11:54 p.m.: Stephanie Seymour! 

12:12 a.m.: Oh, the folly of this description!

Your more simplified life is in your hands.  YSL bag, $1,895.

Sure, it’s a great-looking bag, but how would it simplify our lives?  By depleting every single red cent from our bank account.  Life would be rather simple if we owned nothing but a fabulous bag!

12:17 a.m.:  This may be attributable to the fact that it’s late, but we just cannot stay focused on an article about “the fear of chic.”  (That would be “Dare to Wear” on page 461.)  Our lack of interest may also be due to the fact that it’s a fundamentally ridiculous idea.

12:22 a.m.:  From “The Sloppy Syndrome”:

Writer Anne Stringfield, who often attends events in Zac Posen, Dolce & Gabbana, and Giambattista Valli, has been known to toss a cardigan or a jean jacket over her dresses, or wear her glasses to “kind of undermine” the look.

We wear glasses everyday.  And often, cardigans, since the air conditioning in our office is set at a temperature that could keep dairy products fresh.  Guess we’re undermining our own look completely unintentionally!  Reading Vogue is always such an eye-opening experience.  What insight will it bring us next?  Ooh, nail-biter!

12:29 a.m.: Is it completely immature that this made us laugh out loud?  From “Sweet Reverie” on page 486:

“I dreamed of a pair of gold earrings with hot-pink rubies and yellow sapphires,” she [jewelry designer SatBir Kaur Khalsa] says.  “I’ve never woken up in the middle of the night with such passion.”

12:31 a.m.:  We are going to have nightmares about the Lanvin ad (similar to these)--if we ever finish reading this damn magazine and get to sleep, that is.

12:34 a.m.:  You know how lingerie ads usually feature women lounging around their homes in a matching, ornate bra and panty?  Well, La Perla’s ad has a woman lounging around her DECREPIT WOODEN ROWBOAT in an intricate set.  At last, a realistic depiction of how we women wear our fancy lingerie!

12:39 a.m.:  Article about Rainer Werner Fassbinder.  We have no idea.

12:41 a.m.: From “Ask Mrs. Exeter”:

First Nan Kempner and then Pat Buckley; our most fearless national exemplars of taste have been disappearing at an alarming rate…

Which is funny, because this page is adjacent to an ad for Dockers; and sad, because by “disappearing,” the author actually means these women have died.

12:44 a.m.: Dear Tumi, about those yellow bags featured in your ad?  Yes, please!  We’ll take one of each.

12:46 a.m.:  Back to Mrs. Exeter.  The question asks for advice for women of “a certain age,” and Mrs. Exeter replies:

I discussed your letter with some best-dressed arbiters over 30…

Is over 30 synonymous with “of a certain age”?  We know the fashion industry has a skewed view of aging, but that’s ridiculous.

12:50 a.m.:  No one’s actually going to buy the fringed, feathery dresses in the Nina Ricci ad, right?  Right?  We have a sneaking suspicion that someone’s going to show up at the Emmys in the white one, which looks like an old blanket that went through a shredder.

12:52 a.m.:  More Vera Wang.  How many collections does she have, anyway?  Average-size brows in this one, too.

12:54 a.m.:  And we thought we’d be done by now.  We have 300 pages to go.  Sob.

1:01 a.m.:  Andre Leon Talley’s tribute to Gianfranco Ferre was almost moderate…until this paragraph:

I spent many a night with him in Milan, too, previewing his collections—a rare thing because he was not prone to let people into his inner sanctum of design or his private life.  We shared risotto meals in the best restaurants, along with his favorite cousin and former public-relations director, Rita Araghi.  And it was his generosity that often led to a madcap spree.  After his shows, he would allow the supermodels Naomi Campbell and Linda Evangelista and his favorite editors, including yours truly, to hitch a ride back to Paris on the corporate jet.

It was expecting too much that Talley could get through an entire article without a touch of self-aggrandizement, wasn’t it?  Sheesh.  Not even the dead escape!

1:05 a.m.:  A Dior promotion featuring “New York socialites and style mavens” Tinsley Mortimer and Ferebee Bishop.  Oh, good, they needed more exposure.

1:28 a.m.: Plum Sykes, at last we meet again.

1:52 a.m.:  It’s taking forever to get through this Plum Sykes thing.  Probably because we’re exhausted and we keep having to go back and re-read, and also because it won’t end.  This must be the world’s longest article ever about, of all things, brooches.  Of course, it’s also about, of all things, Plum Sykes. 

The trouble is, pin-wearing is alien to me; the last person I knew who wore them on a daily basis was my grandmother Madeleine.

Trouble indeed!  Why not take two and a half pages to figure out how to put a pin on a dress?

1:54 a.m.:  The exciting conclusion?  She successfully wears brooches in public.  Let the ticker-tape parade begin.

1:58 a.m.: And now an essay about gloves?  That’s it.  We refuse.

2:00 a.m.:  Handbags too?  And scarves?  Is anyone’s life really so settled that they have to work out their issues with accessories?

2:02 a.m.:  After all that navel-gazing about accessories (which, you know, we didn’t even bother to read), we are thrilled to find a piece about textile technology.  This may be the best article ever.

2:04 a.m.:  Six hours in and hundreds of pages left to go, and we haven’t even read all the articles.  We can’t decide if we hate ourselves or Vogue more.

2:14 a.m.:  Is it bad that we’re finding YouTube more compelling than Vogue at this point?  At least watching the thousandth spoof of “Chocolate Rain” isn’t putting us to sleep.  Uh…textiles…right.

2:17 a.m.:  Forget fabrics.  We’re going to gaze upon these red T-straps by Ecco for a few moments.  Where can we buy these shoes?  ShopVogue.com!  Well, that worked out nicely for everyone, didn’t it?

2:20 a.m.:  We’re no longer sure what we meant by that comment three minutes ago.  We remember the shoes, though, even in our sleep-deprivation-induced delerium.  Shoes pretty…Oooh…

2:22 a.m.:  The model in the Jean Paul Gaultier ad is wearing four different plaids and some sort of logo on her chin.  We’re pretty sure he doesn’t actually intend for anyone to dress like this in public. 

2:25 a.m.:  We just skipped the movie reviews entirely.  But then, we usually do.

2:29 a.m.:  Yeah, we’re skipping a lot at this point.  Even when the issues aren’t 840 pages long, we normally reach a point in a magazine where we simply lose interest and start flipping, even when we reach an article we’re interested in.  We suspect it’s because we always read magazines from front to back and never go directly to specific pieces we want to read.

2:31 a.m.:  Has anyone ever fallen asleep at the computer while blogging?  How’d that work out for you?

2:42 a.m.: Flipped ahead a few more pages and voila!  Another piece written by Plum Sykes, this time about a hairstylist’s “private Manhattan atelier.”  Sounds swank.  We’re guessing Plum is going to have some sort of struggle with her appearance, but she’ll eventually overcome it after discussing it at length in minute detail.

2:53 a.m.:  All right.  We’re waving the white flag.  Uncle.  We surrender.  Vogue, you win.  You are just too massive.  We’ve been overpowered by your size.  We said we were going straight through to the end, but that will only happen now if we can type and read with our forehead on the keyboard and our eyes firmly shut.

For the record, we made it to page 660.  It only took seven hours (less with breaks) and four cans of Diet Dr. Pepper Berries and Cream.  Now, if you’ll excuse us, we’re going to bed.  But don’t get too comfortable, Vogue—we’ll be back to finish the job.

Glossed Over Goes Live: We Live Blog Vogue Monday Night

Yesterday, we picked up a copy of the new Vogue at the newsstand.  Though the issue has now been in our possession for more than 24 hours, we have yet to crack the thing open.  The anticipation is killing us.  Sienna Miller’s new eyebrows are explained inside, right?

Still, we’ve decided to wait…until Monday night at 8:00 p.m. Pacific, that is, when we will live blog as we read the massive September issue.  We’ve never read any September edition in just one sitting, and we have no idea how long it’ll take.  (Actually, we’re rather afraid this experiment of ours may run all night.  Yikes.  We get even crankier than normal when we’re sleep-deprived.)  But we’re gluttons for punishment…and for Vogue!  Check in with us Monday evening as we discover the “magician of makeup,” “fearless fashion,” and the exact amount of caffeine we’re capable of consuming in the course of an evening.   

André Leon Talley's Wardrobe Confuses Us

André Leon Talley, Vogue’s editor-at-large, wore these two ensembles at Valentino’s forty-fifth anniversary celebration in Rome.

Can someone more fashion-inclined than we are explain this?  Was his luggage lost again, or should we expect to see men wearing similar outfits this fall?  We truly do not understand.

Images via Oh No They Didn't and Getty Images

Vogue, Vodianova, Vapidness? Count Us In!

Confession time!  We’ve hardly cracked open the June issue of Vogue.  Maybe it’s the heat, but we just couldn’t bring ourselves to read “Life With Andre” (normally a reliably eye-rolling experience) once we saw it involved Tom Ford.  There was the whole Keira Knightley-with-elephants thing.  And we vaguely recall reading an excerpt from a British novel so drab it literally put us to sleep. 

Yet we are bursting with anticipation over the July issue.  Take a look at this!

Natalia Vodianova, an actual model!   A respite from the glut of actresses promoting summer blockbusters!  And check out those cover lines: Tanning abstinence!  Red lips!  The “manny” phenomenon!  Oh, light and fun!

Not a single one of those items, save perhaps the red lips (which we love, but which we’re unlikely to attempt in the wilting heat of summer anyway), has the slightest shred of bearing on our life.  But when it looks this glamorous, we’ll gladly wallow in irrelevance for a few hours.  We only hope we won’t get so swept away that we feel the need to acquire a manny.

Image from DNA Models via Oh No They Didn’t

What Do You Call Ten Models on the Cover of Vogue?

With a whopping ten models on May’s striking foldout cover, it’s as if Anna’s trying to atone for a whole year of subpar celebrity covers (like, say, the Nicole Kidman hair debacle or Jennifer Hudson’s strangely protruding collarbone).  Either that, or no model will appear the cover again until 2010.  Which scenario do you find more likely?

[High-res scan from Confessions of a Casting Director via Oh No They Didn’t]

Lowest Common Denominator: Vogue, April

4: Number of body types to “embrace” on the cover (towering, tiny, thin, or top heavy)

10: Number of pages between Scarlett Johansson on the cover and Scarlett Johansson in a Louis Vuitton ad

3: Number of Louis Vuitton items André Leon Talley requires to play tennis, according to “Contributors” on page 128 (gym bags, racket covers, and mufflers)

0: Mentions of Louis Vuitton in “Scarlett Letters,” a profile of Johansson

0: Amount Johansson claims to exercise

More than 0: Amount plus-size model Ashley Graham exercises (“I’m firm...Nothing jiggly.  I have a trainer I work with.”)

$315: Price of a Martin Margiela bodysuit with built-in shoulder pads

1: Number of models referring to her own shoulders as too large, saying she looks “like a football player” (Paulina Porizkova, who previously whined about her looks in Marie Claire)

4: Clothing size worn by model Hilary Rhoda, as stated in “Be A Sport”

12: Size worn by model Crystal Renn, reported in the same editorial

8: Number of pages featuring Hilary in “Be a Sport”

5: Number of pages devoted to Crystal in the same feature

At least 1: Opinions conveyed as fact (“It’s a fact: Clothes look better on a thin person,” in “Walking a Thin Line”)

At least 1: Completely erroneous details reported as fact in the same story (Apparently, Live Journal is “one of the most popular fashion blogs.”)

The Week: Like Jane Pratt Needs More Attention Right Now

• In an attempt to counter anything they’ve published that might make you think they aren’t proponents of feminism, Elle hosted a panel discussion about women.

• Jane Pratt announced that, back when she was still relevant, she had an affair with Drew Barrymore, and said we can “speculate if [we] want” about a rumored magazine collaboration with Gwen Stefani.  Which means they’re launching a new mag, obviously.   

• Speaking of Jane Pratt being relevant, Mediabistro interviewed the authors of the upcoming book about Sassy called How Sassy Changed My Life: A Love Letter To The Greatest Teen Magazine Of All Time.

• Radar weighs in on Vogue’s shape issue (sorry, we couldn’t resist the pun), while Counterbalance opines about the April issue’s book reviews.

• And a Glamour editor is grooming the next generation of “beauty gurus.” Oh, good, we can’t think of a better role model for today’s girls than one who introduces them to nail polish. [via Gawker]

The Week: At Last, Cringe-Free Cover Photos

• April issues are coming over the transom: Reese Witherspoon looks fierce in Bazaar, Scarlett Johansson wears dark lips and short shorts in Vogue, and both constitute massive improvements over last month’s horrifying cover shots of Katie Holmes and Jennifer Hudson, respectively.

• Still more changes at Elle: While a new design director comes on board, other staffers make a blatant attempt to guest-star on The Hills by defecting to jobs at Teen Vogue.

• The New York Times’ Cathy Horyn asks why anyone except “daughters with lucky DNA in New York and L.A.” should care about Vogue.  We agree.

• And Conde Nast plans to launch a new web network, featuring content from Jane, Self, Allure, and Glamour. Like reading the magazines once on paper isn’t punishing enough.

The Week: Simple-Minded Simple Life Stars Land Bazaar Cover

• First, a bit of Glossed Over news.  We’d love to hear more like this.  Got dirt?  Email us. Also, we’ve added Twitter to our front page for quick updates.

•  Hankering for more thinly veiled, poorly written “fiction” about a spunky editor being deposed from her eponymous magazine?  Gawker’s got another installment.  Or hear the actual story from Jane Pratt next Friday.

•  Anna Wintour hates the word “blog” and has ordered her staff to come up with a replacement immediately. 

•  W, Glamour, and Vogue were nominated for National Magazine Awards.  We aren’t sure why either.

•  And in case you needed another reason not to read Bazaar, the June cover will feature Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie.  Pass!

The Week: Now Officially Sick of Jennifer Hudson

•  Marie Claire staffers are reportedly fleeing the magazine.  What, are they not getting enough screen time in “The Masthead with Marie Claire”?

•  Elle Executive Editor Alex Postman tells Mediabistro that, when interviewing candidates for a job, she asks about their reading habits.  Good news, job applicants: If you’ve managed to read every word on the magazine’s cover, you’re hired.  (And we promise to never trot out that joke again!)

•  Catfight!  Jennifer Hudson and André Leon Talley are still arguing over that ugly bolero.

•  And these excerpts from former Jane staffer Karen Cohen Yampolsky’s “novel” about Jane Pratt reveal the inner machinations of the magazine industry. Also, they reveal that Yampolsky is an exceedingly bad writer.

Ruffles Are Powerful, and Other Startling Insights from Vogue's Anna Wintour

So we’ve been avoiding the March issue of Vogue because, frankly, that cover photo of Jennifer Hudson bent over, mouth open in agony, scares the hell out of us.  But when we found the courage to flip open the magazine, we only had to make it past 150 pages of advertising to find something equally as frightening—Anna Wintour’s “Letter from the Editor.”  (Good thing we didn’t encounter “Life with André” in those pages, or we probably would have relegated this issue to use as a doorstop.  Or a bludgeon.  It’s heavy.)

Anyway, now that Kim France appears to have renewed her grasp on reality (for now, at least), it’s time to crown a new editor-in-chief whose monthly notes are completely lacking in pretty much every way possible.   

Let’s get cracking, shall we?  Unlike every other editor-in-chief on the planet, Anna’s letter requires two full pages (albeit with a healthy—and much-needed—15-page ad break in the middle).  Taking it from the top:

When we considered which face belonged on this month’s cover—this is our annual Power Issue—the name on the lips of my editors was Jennifer Hudson.  There is no more inspiring example of the power of talent and tenacity than her rise from America Idol reject to Golden Globe winner.

Right.  There is no victory more vindicating than Hudson’s, no tale of adversity more incredible.  American Idol contestants are apparently among the most down-trodden citizens of this planet.

The question of body image is a current one, and I can’t think of a more compelling and beautiful argument for the proposition that great fashion looks great on women of all sizes than the sight of Hudson in a Vera Wang dress on the red carpet.

On the red carpet, sure, but in the pages of the magazine?  Don’t hold your breath.

The model Natalia Vodianova is another woman whose charm and determination are as empowering as her beauty…

Oh, is beauty empowering?  That’s not what we’ve been told.

I’ve always believed that the great models develop the power to exert an individual influence—moral, aesthetic, commercial—on the culture.

Can someone please give us an example of a model having a “moral” influence?  Perhaps because it’s late at night, but we’re having trouble coming up with a single instance to justify Anna’s statement.  Unless Naomi Campbell hurling things at the help is somehow morally compelling.

(One thought about Ivanka: I’ve watched her since she was a teenager, and I continue to take great pleasure in seeing her develop into a woman of real substance.)

Sure, if substance is constituted by having your assistant help you cheat at Monopoly.

[Nancy Pelosi]’s stylish now, of course; but more importantly, she’s made history in becoming the first woman Speaker.

Good thing she mentioned that Speaker Pelosi’s stylish!  That’s the true accomplishment here, isn’t it?

Olivier Theyskens’s spectacular new dress for Nina Ricci, photographed by Irving Penn, is designed to resemble a bird about to take flight.  Jennifer Hudson aside, I can’t think of a more hopeful emblem of the power we celebrate this month.

This missive mentioned politicians, models, and Ivanka Trump, and a “megaruffle” dress and former reality-show contestant (yeah, yeah, we know she has an Oscar) are what represents power?  Funny, we thought power might involve something like the ability to, oh, write something meaningful to millions of women every single month, but we guess we were wrong.

Or we were right.  We bought the magazine and read every word she wrote, didn’t we?

Previously: Wintour: Believe In Yourself, Believe In Your Staff