Glossed Over

Shop's "Sucky" Swan Song

The editor’s letter in the October issue of Shop Etc.— which was its last—left us scratching our head in amazement at Mandi Norwood’s assessment of what constitutes lousy advice. 

I’ll take any advice I can get...  But sucky, holier-than-thou advice, such as “Drink eight bottles of water a day,” “Drive slower to conserve gas” and “Make a pre-shopping closet inventory” is just downright impractical and annoying.

Unfortunately for her, no one bothered to proffer “sucky, holier-than-thou” advice on how to keep a magazine afloat. 

Goodbye and Good Riddance to Shop

We’re a little late on this, but we couldn’t not acknowledge that Hearst has decided to cease publication of Shop Etc. after the forthcoming October issue.

Of course, we can’t say we’re surprised. Why pay $3.49 an issue for a magazine whose design and photography pale in comparison to the free J. Crew catalog?

Still, we’re holding on to a tiny shred of hope that editor-in-chief Mandi Norwood will explain the meaning of “Etc.” in the last issue.  Please, Mandi, don’t leave us hanging.

Shop Offers Decorating Tips, Psychic Trauma

From Shop Etc.’s “Contain Yourself!,” August:

“Thinking about your bedroom as a boutique helps give it that added touch of beauty…”

And never mind the borderline unhealthy implications of putting things up for sale in your bedroom.  Next month, Shop will reveal how to find your perfect therapist.

Shop Pushes Leggings, Insults Our Intelligence

From Shop Etc.’s “Hot Shopping,” August, comes this little reminder:

Finish off that Flashdance-style sweater and leggings (yes, they’re back)…

Wait, leggings are back? We never would have known, except that they’re mentioned on at least eight other pages in this issue, including on the masthead (Charla Krupp needs “a wardrobe of them”) and in the editor’s letter (Mandi Norwood tells an excessively personal story about wearing an expensive pair to the hospital to give birth), and there’s also an entire feature about the stretchy things (that would be “Show Some Leggings” on page 33).

But we’re glad they threw in that extra assurance that, indeed, leggings are once again the height of fashion. If we ever develop short-term memory problems, Shop is sure to become our favorite magazine.

Confidential to Shop: Baggage Handlers, Chanel Don't Mix

Shop Etc.’s “Hot Shopping,” June/July, gushes about a particular aspect of Chanel’s très cher luggage collection:

This June you can get your hands on these luxurious Chanel cases, inspired by a vision of a hassle-free traveler…All 11 of the collection’s pieces glide easily into overhead bins, as if they just knew you’d never want to check them!

Or, more likely, as if they just knew you’d never want to entrust a series of underpaid and contentious airline employees with a quilted calfskin suitcase that, at $4,000, cost as much as your entire vacation.

A Knockout Father's Day Gift from Shop

In Shop Etc.’s “What He Wants,” June/July, “real dads” (read: fathers and husbands of Shop Etc. staffers—why bother with actual journalism when you can just call Daddy?) reveal the beauty products they’d most like to receive for Father’s Day. Here’s what Martin Kelly, who’s married to Shop editor-in-chief Mandi Norwood, wants on June 18:

Mandi bought this for me and that was the end of all other colognes as far as I was concerned. I love its smoky-sweet smell, and my daughters love climbing into my lap, inhaling and getting sleepy.

His daughters are drifting off to sleep after a mere whiff of his Creed cologne? Oh, dear.  Martin makes it sound like the cologne’s main ingredient is chloroform.

Perhaps being married to the magazine’s top staffer means he can say whatever he wishes in Shop’s pages. Sadly, no one had the gall to warn Martin that describing how his kids climb into his lap and subsequently pass out sounds seriously creepy.

Shop: Promising Miracles, Delivering Nothing

From the cover of Shop Etc.’s May issue: 

Miracle swimsuits: Skip the gym!

We’ve never seen this particular bit of logic—or, more accurately, illogic—applied to other forms of clothing, but we’re eagerly awaiting next month’s issue, wherein Shop will surely explore topics like “Miracle pin-striped suits: Skip the Harvard M.B.A.!” and “Miracle stilettos: Skip the second date!”

Of course, those who’d rather not take the shortcut of “miraculous” clothing can instead skip Shop Etc.

News: A Whole Lot of Schadenfreude

■ Sheryl Crow, fresh off the Allure cover commemorating her breakup with Lance Armstrong, will pose for the September edition of Glamour.  Hopefully, the trend of putting recently single women on magazine covers will stop here.  We’ve already heard more than enough about Jennifer Aniston’s glamourous “new life”; we aren’t exactly on the edge of our seats waiting to hear all about another jilted woman’s newfound inner strength.

■ Later this spring, Cosmopolitan (along with a number of other publications) will run an ad from the Magazine Publishers of America encouraging companies to buy advertising space in the print media.  We aren’t marketing geniuses, so we’re not sure how buying ad space in order to promote the concept of buying ad space works, exactly.   But we’re sure the MPA ad will stand out—it’s bound to be the only page in that magazine without a shirtless guy or some mention of sex. Or both.

■ Kim France feels so threatened by the success of Shop Etc. that she spread a rumor about the rival shopping title.  Apparently, at Lucky magazine, it’s perfectly acceptable to act like you’re in seventh grade.

Shop Hates Stereotypes, Promotes Them Anyway

From “Hot Shopping: Retail Trend We (Mostly) Love” in March’s Shop Etc.:

Some touches may have taken sexual stereotypes too far (stores decorated with stuffed animals, for instance).  And don’t let Best Buy staff call you “Jill”—that’s their code name for female customers.

How odd Shop would object to these kinds of stereotypes, considering that, just a few pages prior, the magazine asked “Which Vacuum Will Get Your Floors Cleaner?” and then accompanied that burning question with two separate photos of women vacuuming in skirts and high heels, Donna Reed-style.

This is clearly choosing the lesser of two evils, but we’d rather deal with teddy bears when we’re shopping for a vacuum than be expected to use the thing while wearing pumps and pearls.

Next Month: How to Buy an Atlas

From Shop Etc.’s “The List,” February:

Greek Key: The revival of this classic pattern unlocks the door to decor...Bring a little bit of ancient Rome into your bathroom or kitchen.

Just like Turkish rugs bring the spirit of Athens to your home, and Egyptian cotton towels are exactly like the ones used in Marrakesh.  Right?

Shop Faces Shortage of Sensitivity

From Shop Etc.’s “Hot Shopping,” February:

During a month-long hunt held every fall, Louisiana’s bayous and alligator farms supply about 90% of the world’s alligator skins, which are used by companies including Gucci, Prada and Hermès.  Last year’s hunt, however, was delayed in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. 

Countless homes and businesses were destroyed, over a thousand people were killed, and there won’t be any fresh supplies of alligator skins for this season’s expensive designer handbags?  Oh, what a cruel and heartless world we inhabit!

But wait!  There’s a glimmer of hope:

Because tanneries have some skins in stock, shortages may not become apparent for more than a year.

Because nothing will help Louisiana and Mississippi get back to normal like a timely shipment of spring’s finest brand name alligator-skin accessories.

Obviously, the coming shortage has the potential to adversely affect luxury-goods manufacturers.  Still, since this is a fashion magazine and not the Wall Street Journal, we assume Shop is speaking to the people who buy these bags, not the corporations that produce them--which makes their concern over the potential lack of alligator skins appear as misplaced as the “Etc.” in their name.   

We don’t intend to be insensitive. We’re guessing Shop didn’t either.  But that didn’t stop us from thinking that, instead of a new Prada bag, they could use a little perspective.

Christmas in Paris

Our completely facetious holiday wish has already come true: last week, we asked for Paris Hilton on the cover of a magazine, and this week, our wish was granted.  Thanks, Shop Etc.!

There were, predictably, quite a few eyeroll-inducing statements in the accompanying article titled, tabloid-style,

Exclusive! Holiday Shopping Confessions of Paris Hilton

but we’ll single out the most perplexing, most utterly ridiculous “confession” of them all.

I believed in Santa Claus until I was 17 when some mean person told me it wasn’t true.

Is it overly cynical to suggest that Paris is indulging in an attempt to rehab her public image with this statement? Look how innocent and naive Paris is! (Forget the night-vision video incident.) What childlike wonder she displays with this statement! (And that Tom Sizemore thing? Never mind!) How trusting she must be, believing in Santa long after all reason and logic suggest that he cannot possibly exist. Then again, reason and logic and, you know, thinking never were strong points of hers.

Nonetheless, it’s quite clear from her incredibly extravagant wish list that she’s over the Santa thing. Jolly St. Nick, however magical, couldn’t possibly manage a Bentley GT convertible--“a silver one!”--in his sleigh.

We Have Nothing to Wear

Shop Etc. offers this informational nugget in November’s “Touches of Tapestry,” a spread featuring several colorful brocade handbags:

Northerners who went south after the Civil War to take advantage of business and political opportunities were derisively dubbed carpetbaggers after their distinctive luggage—a tapestry-covered “carpetbag.”

Also, those Roman sandals were inspired by the footwear of incredibly debauched emperors who owned slaves. That Grecian gown?—well, the Greeks were polytheists and pederasts.  Mandarin-collar shirts are the work of Communists.  And don’t even ask about Cossack hats.

Someone Must Explain the "Etc."

As promised, we took a second look at Shop Etc.  We hate to say it, but we were right the first time around.  And we still don’t understand the title.

Here’s what we liked (a short list):

• Practical articles on buying wine, carryon luggage, and cars (!).  We miss the days when Lucky had a regular travel feature and covered shopping for quirky collectors’ items like vinyl records, so Shop’s articles are a step in the right direction.

• A fashion feature showing entire outfits purchased from one store, shoes and accessories included.  Not that we or anyone we know shops this way, but it’s fun to think about dressing head-to-toe  in Banana Republic or Prada.

• Spotlighting web sites with unique merchandise.  We love shopping online, so adding new sites to our regular haunts is a good thing.

What we didn’t like (a longer list):

• The fussy design:  the cursive accent font that’s everywhere, the gate folds, the pages crammed full of goods splayed in all directions, hearts and arrows and fuschia tags marked “brilliant buy” all over.  Ugh.  Just ugh.

• The blatant advertorial.  The fold-out feature “Denim 24/7” has a Levi Strauss ad on the back.  And a Levi Strauss list of “Denim Fun Facts” (wow, that serge de nimes is a riot!) immediately facing. 

• The aforementioned “24/7” feature.  Does every magazine have to do a spread with the model in seven outfits, one for each day of the week?  And do they have to be dressed completely unrealistically for whatever that day’s stated task is?  (Shop’s version of this: “Saturday.  Modern wedding.”  The bride wears white jeans.  And the bride moves quickly, considering Wednesday’s outfit was “First date.”)  Seriously, is there a federal law requiring this kind of inanity, and if not, can we make one banning it? 

• The horoscope, “Astroshop.”  This month, “cosmic fingertips match you with your best new manicure color.”  Need we say more?

• “Lip Service,” a beauty feature with close-ups of new lip colors.  We’re supposed to cut the small photos from the magazine and hold them to our faces to determine which look best on us.  Has anyone ever done this, let alone glued the pictures to a popsicle stick like the model on page 142?  Have the editors of Shop never been to Sephora, where you can actually try on lipsticks--the real thing, not paper facsimiles?  Again, this is not exclusive to Shop, but now is as good a time as any to stop this nonsense.

• Ridiculous answers to reader questions.  To be fair, many magazines do this, but it annoys us every time.  To wit:   I’m a grad student and I’d like to know the main pieces I’ll need this fall without investing in a whole new wardrobe.  Fashion Director Kate Dimmock then names three pieces that, combined, cost $771.  We don’t know any  grad students who have that kind of money to spend on clothes, and to us, $771 for three pieces is bank-breaking.  Why not take the opportunity to spotlight more affordable fashion?  Why not actually pay attention to what the question asks?  Or, you know, edit the question to remove the cost stipulation? 

What left us cold:

• Noticing after the fact that the discounted $1.99 cover price was offered at Barnes and Noble and not at the independent newsstand where we purchased our copy.

Shopping for Shopping Magazines

Me?  I like a nice brisk walk.  But mostly I rely on the editor-in-chief workout, a never-fail way to get my heart rate up: looking at Lucky’s weekly newsstand numbers.

Lucky, “Editor’s Letter,” July 2005

Kim France, mercifully, hasn’t yet gone the Jane Pratt route in her editor's letters, but we were so disappointed by this statement.  We read Sassy.  We remember when Kim was a young writer with an untamed mass of frizzy hair (which she still has, we suspect, although every photograph shows her with a messy ponytail).

But it seems Ms. France has turned on us, the humble reader, in this month’s missive.  After explaining why shorts have never been featured in Lucky—come on, even we weren’t paying that much attention—and giving us the rundown of Fashion Director Hope Greenberg’s workout routine, she tells us how she maintains her cardiovascular integrity.

It’s an odd statement, and we wonder to whom it’s truly directed.  Readers are more concerned with the editorial content than with the sales numbers.  No, we’re convinced this is a self-congratulatory show of strength, a display of newsstand supremacy in the battle for the shopping-magazine readership.  Take that, Shop Etc.! 

Shop (the "etc." confuses us) would do well to forgo the occasional comment about “other shopping magazines”—the genre wouldn’t exist without Lucky’s success.  And we’d wager that makes Kim France’s heart beat even faster.