Hey, famous women! Don’t have an upcoming project but still want
to appear on the cover of a national magazine? Turns out there’s a surefire way to do that: have a child! Just follow the lead of Law & Order: SVU star Mariska Hargitay, who appears on the cover of January’s Self. It’s easy but subtle self-promotion—see, there are two whole pages devoted to Mariska and her baby, and only one mention of her long-running TV show!
And what makes it even easier? The fact that pretty much every celeb’s after-baby story is the
same. Just follow Mariska’s example and use these five simple steps in your interview for maximum sympathetic coverage:
1. Carefully let slip how toned and slender you were before your pregnancy.
“Nobody wanted to be pregnant more
than me,” says Hargitay, 43. “From the minute I found out, I was wearing
full-on maternity pants. My stomach was totally flat, mind you,
but I was just so excited.”
2. Describe how you’re normally strict with your diet and exercise regimen, but—oops!—you threw yourself headlong into your pregnancy and gained a lot of weight during those nine months. Explain that you gained so much that, if you weren’t about to spawn another human being, the extra pounds would otherwise prevent you from ever working in Hollywood.
“It was weird getting bigger, but
that just meant that I was going to be a mom,” she says…“To me, the weight gain was a badge of honor.”
3. Launch into a gut-wrenchingly detailed discussion of the post-birth workout plan. Be sure to include several name-checks of your trainer, who is now or soon will be famous in his or her own right.
The 55-minute plan [trainer Jay]
Wright devised begins with stretching and a core warm-up of stretches and
lunges…she lifts, swings, and squats with Russian kettlebells, then pushes or
pulls a weighted sled across the gym floor and ends with five minutes of ab
4. Disclose how very, very inspired you are by your baby. Tear up a bit if you can. Oh, yes, that child is the ultimate inspiration for you to live a healthy lifestyle…forever.
“Next time, I want to keep myself as strong as possible, so everything will go easier for me.”…While her father’s memory inspires her in the gym, her son’s growing body inspires at home.
5. Finally, launch into a self-affirming proclamation about how you love your body and the way its changed. Mention how powerful motherhood makes you feel. Oh, and you think you’re even sexier now that you’ve given birth? Say that, too.
“I’m a mom now, people. I
don’t have to look hot. I am hot. I feel like a superhero.”
Now sit back and wait for the offers to flood in! Making fodder of your personal life is, by far, the easiest way to manipulate the media. If this fails, fear not; you can always discuss your marital problems.