Glossed Over

Self: A Gay Man Deceives His Wife, Redoes Household Decor

Sure, we expect bitterness from a woman whose husband married her in a desperate attempt to quash his gayness. But we were bewildered by Self’s “I Married a Gay Man” (February). Near the end of the essay, the anonymous author describes the situation now that she and her ex, Chris, have both settled into new relationships.

My relationship with Chris is as good as it can possibly be, given the circumstances. We do birthday parties and some holidays together, and he and his male partner live in—and have redecorated—our former house… [bolding ours]

Redecorated? Really? He redecorated? Did he give her a makeover, too?

For an article that is at least ostensibly about forgiveness and acceptance, we found that to be a strange detail to throw in. But then, we’ve never been married to a gay man, so what do we know? Apparently, we’ve dodged a bullet. Check out this statistic quoted in the article which, conveniently, the author managed to twist to illustrate that, OMG, gay men marrying straight women is an imminent plague upon our society.

...research done by University of Chicago sociologist Edward Laumann, Ph.D., estimated that between 1.5 million and 2.9 million American women who have ever been married had a husband who had had sex with another man. That means there are a large number of women who have no idea what their husband does in secret.

Seriously, we’re finding the presentation of this statistic a bit dicey. Women who have ever been married? A husband who had had sex with another man? That doesn’t necessarily equate to a husband who’s sneaking around on his wife with other men; it applies equally to a married man who, say, had an experimental phase at some point, or a divorced woman whose ex was bisexual, or any number of permutations.

And anyway, there probably aren’t any statistics to back this up, but what husbands do in secret is more likely to involve online poker and reading their wives’ back issues of Cosmo than illicit gay sex. (Hi, honey!) Though, to be sure, Anonymous includes a damning admission of that, too, after she confronts him with her newly diagnosed case of chlamydia:

He had been having anonymous sex with men. “I don’t know how this could have happened,” he stammered. “It’s nobody that I knew...it was mostly oral sex...it just happened.... At gay bars, there are back rooms with holes in the walls....”

And when he did have relations with his unsuspecting wife, it was just like that scene in Brokeback Mountain between Ennis and Alma. It made her “very emotional,” watching that movie.

So what’s a girl to do? Is there any way our plucky heroine could have seen this coming? Or is being married to a gay man a fate that could befall most any woman?

Well:

Early in our relationship, Chris told me he’d had homosexual experiences as a teenager but assured me it was youthful curiosity.

And...

Two unusual things happened on our first date. After we watched the movie Romancing the Stone, Chris said, “I think I could marry you”...Then, after he kissed me good-night, he shocked me again, saying, “No matter what you hear, I’m not gay.” In fact, I had heard other students say that everyone in his fraternity was gay.

That answers that, at least. If this article is to be believed, foresight is more rare than a man who’ll redecorate the house.

Carrie Underwood In Need of a Self-Esteem Boost

We read once that you should never, ever ask your significant other if you look fat.  Which makes sense, right?  Because it’s rude to fish for compliments and it puts your partner in an awkward spot?  Nope!   Because people are apparently so susceptible to suggestion that pointing out your shortcomings to others might lead to them actually perceive those flaws.

We dismissed the idea at the time, but when we read “Carrie Takes the Wheel” in the November issue of Self, we suddenly had a more thorough understanding of the logic.  This is the singer’s second Self cover in less than two years, and yet, she keeps staring at her ass in the mirror and wondering whether she’s gained weight since lunch.  (Metaphorically, that is.)  Sure, being famous for an actual reason is increasingly rare, but it does happen!  Reading Underwood’s comments, we can’t decide if she’s genuinely modest or engaging in the celebrity equivalent of “Do I look fat in this?”   If, as she attests, she’s so ordinary, why is she on the cover of Self at all?

Decide for yourself!  Her modest and/or self-deprecating quotes are after the jump.

Self's "Secret": Sort of Gross, But Strangely Touching

We nearly skipped over Self’s “Sitting On a Secret,” July, once we determined it was about hemorrhoids. A few days ago, we read this, which was more than enough information on the topic.  Also, we’re squeamish.

But—surprise!—we’re glad we read Self’s story in its entirety.  Turns out, the Self piece isn’t just about veins protruding from a sensitive part of the writer’s anatomy.  (Though we were troubled by the decision to refer to said protrusions as a “bean” and a “cherry.”  Ew!)  It was also a reminder about the nature of marriage and commitment.

I suddenly realized that the only way to make my husband understand was to show him.  As I got into position, it struck me that he might never have sex with me again, but it was a risk I had to take.  “Oh.  My.  God,” he whispered through his hands.  He hugged me and said he was so sorry and officially named the cherry Chester.  He also had some bad news:  There were in fact three hemorrhoids—one big, two little.  Yep.  Chester had a posse.

And:

When I returned home [after surgery to remove the hemorrhoids]…I asked my husband for a sympathy look-see because the anesthesia was wearing off…My husband held my hand and walked me toward the bathroom.

Whoa.  Now that’s love—and a look at marriage nearly as enlightening as the articles about relationships.

We’ve learned more than enough about hemorrhoids recently, thank you very much.  But excrutiating detail and all, this story was still far less gag-inducing than the “deep” Fergie lyrics quoted in the cover story.

Self Fesses Up to Faking It

Game’s up, Self!  We haven’t finished reading the whole issue yet, but this tidbit from “Fitness Q & A,” May, caught our eye:

Q: I exercise almost daily, but I still lose my breath whenever I walk up stairs.  What the heck is going on?

A: OK, I have a confession to make.  This question is actually from me.  I, Meaghan Buchan, fitness director of Self magazine…

Really, we gave up on the idea of readers submitting questions long ago. For starters, Self doesn’t even bother to fabricate names and cities for their Q & As, which heads off the slightest idealistic suspicion that the questions are genuinely reader-generated. 

And if we’re truly supposed to buy that the questions come from readers in desperate need of gym-bag guidance, then Self could put some effort into making these queries believable.  We flat-out refuse to accept that someone would actually write to a magazine to ask what orthotics are  (also page 114) instead of using Google or a dictionary or some other method of research that, you know, actually guarantees a response. 

Still, we appreciate the confession.  But why bother?  That a staffer wrote it doesn’t render this particular question any different from any of the other questions in this issue.   

Barking Up a Very, Very Wrong Tree in Self

Reading Self doesn’t normally induce squirming (save for when it delves into the gruesome particulars of injuries and infections), but we are at a near-total loss to convey the abject horror we felt upon reading a particular tidbit about Katherine McPhee in the April issue. It comes under a reasonably apropos heading:

Eleven things you probably don’t know about her

Though we would suggest this particular factoid belongs more appropriately in the category of things you absolutely, positively do not want to know about her, or anyone else, ever, on pain of death. Brace yourself. The terrible secret revealed?

She French-kisses her dog.

Let that image sink in for a minute. It’s utterly foul, sure, but don’t run away screaming just yet—there are details!

Seriously. McPhee opens her mouth and allows Nena, her 10-month-old Chihuahua, to lick inside. “We kiss. We’re tongue lovers,” McPhee says, laughing. “It grosses my dad out.” To Nena in a baby voice, McPhee says, “I wuv you, baby. People will think I’m weird, but I don’t care because I wuv you.”

Ugh.  We just turned green, and not with envy.  Maybe she doesn’t care, but we sure do. (And, we would like to add, we love dogs—just not nearly as, uh, enthusiastically or literally as the American Idol runner-up.)

Perhaps the only thing more “weird” than making out with your dog is doing so in front of a reporter. We hope this is merely an ill-conceived publicity stunt, an outlandish ploy to drum up her CD sales. And if it isn’t? Well, then we’re relieved Self didn’t publish any photos of Katherine’s canine encounter. Also, we feel sorry for her boyfriend.

The Week: At Last, Cringe-Free Cover Photos

• April issues are coming over the transom: Reese Witherspoon looks fierce in Bazaar, Scarlett Johansson wears dark lips and short shorts in Vogue, and both constitute massive improvements over last month’s horrifying cover shots of Katie Holmes and Jennifer Hudson, respectively.

• Still more changes at Elle: While a new design director comes on board, other staffers make a blatant attempt to guest-star on The Hills by defecting to jobs at Teen Vogue.

• The New York Times’ Cathy Horyn asks why anyone except “daughters with lucky DNA in New York and L.A.” should care about Vogue.  We agree.

• And Conde Nast plans to launch a new web network, featuring content from Jane, Self, Allure, and Glamour. Like reading the magazines once on paper isn’t punishing enough.

Self Staffers: Fans of Medical Dramas, Vets, Resurrection

Shannan Rouss at Self has been watching Grey’s Anatomy with a lusty eye.  How else to explain this advice from March’s “Health Update”?

Super sexy M.D.s

What to do when your doc is hot

Maybe it’s just because we’ve never actually found ourselves in this situation, but we found the advice proffered to be a bit of a no-brainer.  Take a gander at  the caption accompanying a photo of Grey’s star Justin Chambers:

You can look, but avoid dating your hunky doctor.

Ordinarily, we’d never take advice (and especially patently obvious advice like this) based on the experiences of someone who doesn’t actually exist, but the more we mulled it over, the more we reconsidered.  We don’t even watch Grey’s—oh, all right, we watched the first season, but we did read all about the show’s recent ratings stunt plot twist.

Swooning over your physician is harmless, but if you have a thing for men in white coats, you might want to consider dating a vet.  It didn’t work for Meredith, but it could for you!

Know what else didn’t work for Meredith?  Dying.  She came back from the dead, people.  Clearly, we could learn a lot from this woman. 

Lowest Common Denominator: Self, January

250: Number of “ways to make your life better” promised on the cover

11: Number of babies born to Self staffers in 2006

$25: Price of a hand scrub containing Himalayan sea salts

$23: Monthly per capita income in Nepal (source)

47: Percent of men who prefer natural lips to lipstick, as reported in “Beauty Flash”

1: Number of lipsticks or glosses featured in this issue

0: Number of lipsticks or glosses advertised in this issue

1: Number of utterly appalling ads for jewelry (Silpada Jewelry’s “I found it’s nice being noticed for something other than my intelligence.”  Good, we guess, because that statement certainly doesn’t display any intelligence.)

31: Number of days required to achieve “your best body” when you follow Self’s “The Easiest Diet Ever”

12: Number of weeks to fit into your favorite jeans when you follow the Slim-Fast plan, advertised right next to “The Easiest Diet Ever”

7: Number of celebrities under 30 whose photographs appear in this issue (Natasha Bedingfield, 25; Selita Ebanks, 23; Olivia Wilde, 22; Sarah Michelle Gellar, 29; Marla Sokoloff, 26; Shakira, 29; Jessica Biel, 24)

4: Number of celebrities over 30 whose photographs appear in this issue (Mariska Hargitay, 43; Diane Lane, 41; Gwen Stefani, 37; Elle Macpherson, 42)

7: Number of Self staffers whose photographs appear in this issue

A Glossed Over Guide: Parlaying Your Pregnancy Into Press

Hey, famous women!  Don’t have an upcoming project but still want to appear on the cover of a national magazine? Turns out there’s a surefire way to do that: have a child! Just follow the lead of Law & Order: SVU star Mariska Hargitay, who appears on the cover of January’s Self. It’s easy but subtle self-promotion—see, there are two whole pages devoted to Mariska and her baby, and only one mention of her long-running TV show!

And what makes it even easier? The fact that pretty much every celeb’s after-baby story is the same.  Just follow Mariska’s example and use these five simple steps in your interview for maximum sympathetic coverage:

1. Carefully let slip how toned and slender you were before your pregnancy.

“Nobody wanted to be pregnant more than me,” says Hargitay, 43.  “From the minute I found out, I was wearing full-on maternity pants. My stomach was totally flat, mind you, but I was just so excited.”

2. Describe how you’re normally strict with your diet and exercise regimen, but—oops!—you threw yourself headlong into your pregnancy and gained a lot of weight during those nine months. Explain that you gained so much that, if you weren’t about to spawn another human being, the extra pounds would otherwise prevent you from ever working in Hollywood.

“It was weird getting bigger, but that just meant that I was going to be a mom,” she says…“To me, the weight gain was a badge of honor.”

3. Launch into a gut-wrenchingly detailed discussion of the post-birth workout plan. Be sure to include several name-checks of your trainer, who is now or soon will be famous in his or her own right.

The 55-minute plan [trainer Jay] Wright devised begins with stretching and a core warm-up of stretches and lunges…she lifts, swings, and squats with Russian kettlebells, then pushes or pulls a weighted sled across the gym floor and ends with five minutes of ab moves.

4. Disclose how very, very inspired you are by your baby. Tear up a bit if you can. Oh, yes, that child is the ultimate inspiration for you to live a healthy lifestyle…forever.

“Next time, I want to keep myself as strong as possible, so everything will go easier for me.”…While her father’s memory inspires her in the gym, her son’s growing body inspires at home.

5. Finally, launch into a self-affirming proclamation about how you love your body and the way its changed. Mention how powerful motherhood makes you feel. Oh, and you think you’re even sexier now that you’ve given birth? Say that, too.

“I’m a mom now, people.  I don’t have to look hot.  I am hot.  I feel like a superhero.”

Now sit back and wait for the offers to flood in! Making fodder of your personal life is, by far, the easiest way to manipulate the media.  If this fails, fear not; you can always discuss your marital problems.

Cameron Diaz Reveals Her True Self

We just don’t get the appeal of certain actresses. Like Cameron Diaz—what makes her so worthy of two covers (Self and W) this month?  Other than the fact that she’s relentlessly flogging her new movie The Holiday, that is.  She’s pretty, but there are more beautiful actresses. She’s funny, but there are more talented women. 

And then we read Self’s “Will the Real Cameron Diaz Please Stand Up?,” December, which rendered us slightly less confused by her popularity. We now understand how she’s connected with a certain segment of the general public—see, Cameron Diaz is actually a teenage boy.

Exhibit A:

“I’m not good at telling jokes, but I will talk about flatulence at any point, and it always makes me laugh.” Diaz has owned not one but a few remote control fart machines over the years…

…which means she has both too much free time and too much spending money.

Exhibit B:

“Sex is best for everything…It’s the best exercise. It’s the best way to pass the time. It’s the best way to spend an afternoon.”

So whatever spare time isn’t filled with fart machines gets filled with sex. No wonder celebs need personal assistants!

Exhibit C:

And she doesn’t flush the toilet every time she goes. “‘If it’s yellow, let it mellow. If it’s brown, flush it down.’ It’s just my pee!” she says.

And she just couldn’t resist telling the world about her excrement! 

We rest our case. Now why anyone other than fellow teenage boys (and, we guess, Justin Timberlake—the joke writes itself) would find Cameron Diaz fascinating, we can’t say, but then, we can’t solve all the world’s mysteries in a day.

Self: Gratuitous Use of Exclamation Points, Sex

From Self’s “Sex Advice Tested,” November:

The world is full of hackneyed romantic advice. Everywhere you turn…even occasionally magazines such as this one—you’re confronted with tips on how to “spice up your love life!” or “heat up your sexual satisfaction!!” or “keep your relationship sizzling, not fizzling!!!” or otherwise drastically elevate your body temperature between the sheets. And you know enough to take it all with a gigantic boulder of salt.

So we’re supposed to take sex advice with a grain of salt…and we’re also supposed to keep reading this article which, ostensibly, will dish out a great deal of advice. Sorry, Self, but you can’t have it both ways. 

WRISYDHT: Someone's A Little Too Excited About Breast Cancer

For this installment of We Read It So You Don’t Have To, we sat down with Self’s “A Legacy of Strength,” October, wherein Brittany Murphy, Christina Applegate, and Mya dicuss their family histories of breast cancer. In doing so, they spout every cliché that has even a slight bearing on the situation: take each day as it comes, take care of yourself, don’t be afraid—the same tripe that makes it into every article about breast cancer except perhaps those printed in the New England Journal of Medicine.

However, there was one bit of dialogue that made our drudgery worthwhile. Because we cannot possibly paraphrase the brilliance of this moment, we’ll reproduce this heartwarming exchange between Murphy and Applegate in its entirety.

Christina: Thank God we have good-looking boobs in my family.

Brittany: Oh, I can attest to that! We did wardrobe for the shoot today. Your boobies are gorgeous.

Well, that was, um, sweet of Brittany to immediately interject her appraisal of Applegate’s physique—because, you know, no one would ever believe that Applegate was telling the truth without Murphy’s eyewitness testimony—especially since she chose to use the word “boobies,” which, last we checked, was the exclusive domain of fourth-graders.

Naïve fourth-graders, even.

Still, whatever her motives, Murphy’s completely off-the-wall statement was the only thing that kept us awake as we read this hackneyed conversation piece.

Cancer isn’t amusing, but neither are these yearly rehashes of the same trite platitudes about taking care of yourself and loving your body. We say: next year, Self, let Brittany Murphy write an essay about “boobies.”  Hey, let her draw pictures of them in crayon. Not only would that would be more engaging, it might even prove more useful.

September Self Confused, Thinks It's TV Guide

From Self’s “15 Minutes to Your Best Self,” September:

Got 9 minutes? Prep for the new season of Lost

How entirely unhelpful—an entire season of TV’s most convoluted drama boiled down to three-quarters of a page of pretty pictures.  Reading this glorified listicle will do nothing to clarify the mysteries of the island, like who’s behind the Hanso Foundation and why the hatch has a modern washer and dryer, though the piece does provide some eye candy.  Mmm, Boone.  (Remember when he was alive?)  But who exactly are the Others?  Who knows?  We’ve watched every episode—albeit only once—and we’re still completely, er, lost.

But Self doesn’t offer any insight either.  Time saved with this feature: zip. 

Even if the piece did contain enough information to actually be informative, we refuse to believe that knowing “the beach is home base”—no, really, they said that—will lead us on the path to enlightenment.   If we’re looking for self-improvement, we’re not going to find it watching network television programming, and it’s utterly ludicrous to even suggest that studying a TV show summary constitutes any kind of advance. 

On the other hand, if Self continues to publish useless show wrap-ups, we could save a lot of time…by not reading the magazine and just watching TV instead.  That’s something we’d consider an improvement.

Self Offers Unbiased Beauty Tips, Hope to Easily Duped Readers

From Self’s “Notes to Self,” August:

I wish I looked as good as Rebecca Romijn after a dip. Can you suggest a mascara that will stay put?

This letter, from reader Nancy Lee of Huntingdon Valley, Pennsylvania, is accompanied by a photo of Rebecca Romijn in full diving regalia—is that a knife strapped to her thigh?—tugging an inflatable boat out of the waves.

Hey, Nancy?  We hate to shatter your illusions, but Rebecca Romijn didn’t actually dive into the ocean in full makeup for this photo shoot. What you see in Self is not an accurate representation of any kind of acquatic activity, unless you consider standing knee-deep in the waves with a photographer, makeup artist, stylist, and a dozen other people nearby to count as an athletic endeavor.

Besides, if you’re going to covet something about the model/actress’s appearance, is it really something as easily attainable as her eyelashes?  Apparently, Romijn’s glossy lashes can be had with just a simple swipe of the $7 Revlon mascara Self recommends. And never mind the specious placement of a Revlon ad on the facing page. Really. We’re sure it’s just a coincidence—you know, the same way Self just happened to capture Rebecca Romijn’s return from a deep-sea diving expedition on film.

Self: Everything You Never Wanted to Know About Everyone Else

Do you feel compelled to share personal information with a national magazine?  Please stop. Just cease blabbing the details of your life. Don’t fill in that online survey for a chance to win a $1,000 shopping spree.

You probably won’t win anyway.

We know your intentions are decent.  We know you’re thinking someone out there can benefit from your foibles, so you fill out those forms in excrutiating detail.  But then someone in New York decides that all those terrible things you’ve never even admitted to your best friend will make for fantastic copy,  and we end up reading things like these stomach-turning bits of over-sharing in Self’s “Special Report: Sex and Love,” August:

Here are some of the other secret, ultra-personal names for sex you were willing to share with us:

“Doing laundry”

“Back rub”

“Boom boom”

“Doin’ the dirty”

“Hide the hot dog”

“Humping”

“Mailing a letter”

“Snuggies and pumpies”

“The beautiful”

“Getting connected”

“Doin’ the dirty”? “Hide the hot dog”? “Snuggies and pumpies”?  Those are jokes, right?   How can you even say that with a straight face—we couldn’t even type those phrases without an eye roll—let alone proposition a partner with such a phrase? “Hey, baby, do you want to play snuggies and pumpies tonight?  Or would you prefer to hide the hot dog?  Maybe you’d enjoy a rousing round of getting connected?”

Either Self’s respondents to this particular survey consisted largely of prank-playing college freshmen who submitted these answers as a form of fraternity initiation, or they were a bunch of completely serious adults who actually refer to their sexual activity by such ludicrous names and, even more galling, admit to it.

We’re not sure which is worse.  We just ask you, the benevolent magazine reader, to pause before you fill out a magazine’s questionnaire.  If your potential response to a personal question makes you cringe, then keep the answer to yourself.  It’s better for all of us that way.

Our previous pleas to keep your private lives to yourselves (unless, of course, you’re famous, in which case we might want to know every salacious detail): Marie Claire Diaries Provide Little Insight, Lots of Dirt; Dauntless Glamour Reveals Secrets, Full Names

Interviews Expose Duff's True Talent: Talking Trash

From Self’s “The Right Duff,” July:

[Hilary Duff] recently got a glimpse…after playing a hometown concert in Houston, where she reconnected with old acquaintances. “It’s scary to see some of them now. They work so hard to be the same as one another. They all do the same things and get into trouble because they’re bored,” she says. “I’m so much more my own person now.”

One more way all of Hilary’s old friends are the same? They’ve been dissed in print by Little Miss Individualist. Guess being your own person means it’s totally fine to announce to a reporter how much better you are than all your old friends.

But it’s not like Self had the exclusive on Hilary’s trash-talking. The teen sensation had some harsh words for those same erstwhile pals in Elle’s “Triple Platinum Blond,” July:

“It’s hard having a boyfriend who’s older because people just assume,” Hilary says. “But [virginity] is definitely something I like about myself.”

Oh, yeah, she dropped that bombshell. Anyway:

“…It doesn’t mean I haven’t thought about sex, because everybody I know has had it and you want to fit in. But when they talk about it, it doesn’t sound special, like you would imagine it to be. It just seems like everybody has slept with each other—you know what I mean.”

She’s talking about old friends in Texas…

Well, what did she expect? Didn’t she just say that her friends were all alike?

We hate to encourage a starlet’s newly minted bad attitude—Lindsay Lohan, we’re talking about you—but in this case, it’s pretty much the only thing we find at all interesting about Hilary Duff. 

So, Self, Elle, and any other publication with an inkling to interview the young and famous: If you have to put teenagers on the cover, make sure they’re insanely catty. Otherwise, we just don’t care. Duff’s movies?  We’ve never seen a single one.   Duff’s music? It makes us want to stab freshly sharpened pencils into our eardrums. But Duff’s bitchy comments? We could read those all day.

The Best Advice You Absolutely Don't Need

From Self’s “Fitness Flash,” June:

A tip for your next office softball game: The larger you perceive the ball to be, the more likely you are to hit it...Imagine swinging at a cantaloupe.

Why stop there?  Why not imagine something even bigger, like a watermelon?  Or, since it’s an office softball game, imagine swinging at your supervisor’s head.  After all, that too is more substantial than a cantaloupe.

Oh, wait, you already knew that little trick? 

Wait until next month, when Self offers even more advice that is both obvious and extraneous.  Did you know you can avoid dropping any object simply by holding on to it?  Amazing!  Thanks, Self!

Self: Protecting What's Really Important

From Self’s “15 Minutes to Your Best Self,” June:

Got 2 minutes?  Preserve your identity.

Shopping online is fun. What isn’t? Worrying your cute-handbag habit is putting you at risk for identity theft.

We’re shocked that Self, being a generally level-headed publication, didn’t mention the more terrifying possibility that the thieves don’t want your identity or access to your credit history.  What if those shadowy online evildoers are actually after your precious new purses? Horrors! Instead of offering advice on keeping our credit card details safe, we’d really have preferred some two-minute tips on keeping our accessories out of the hands of criminals. And out of the hands of the unstylish, too.  Or does that take longer than two minutes?

Self: Instead of Nagging, Try Shagging

In Self’s “Say Yes! to Sex,” May, one woman inadvertently reveals a great deal about herself and her relationship when she doles out some rather passive-agressive advice for getting in the mood:

“I think about all the house and yard work and errands I can get him to do—somewhat cheerfully—afterward.  I also think about the grouch he’ll be if we don’t do it.”

The totally healthy, stable, and normal message here?  If you can’t manage to have sex for its own rewards, think of how you’ll be able to manipulate your partner by giving up the goods!  Finally getting him to mow the lawn is so worth that begrudging roll in the hay. 

Carrie Underwood's Self Delusion

From Self’s “Carrie On,” April:

…the fans toss the [Care Bear] stuffed animals onstage, “and sometimes they hit me!” Underwood says.  “My parents read online that some people with not-very-close seats were going to weigh theirs down so they’d reach the stage. My mom was like, “‘Watch out, Carrie!’”

Let’s get this straight, Carrie:  When you perform, people throw objects at you.  Sometimes these projectiles actually strike you.  Now these items are going to be weighted down and hurled across great distances and potentially cause you grievous injury.

And these are your fans?

Somehow, We Didn't Notice the Similarities Until Now

From Self’s “Confessions of a Cheapskate,” March:

I get a thrill when I save a buck or—better—when I don’t spend at all.   A lifelong failed dieter, I consider cheapness my anorexia.

Does anyone else find it vaguely troubling (not to mention utterly ridiculous) that writer Valerie Frankel has conflated a serious illness with her own skittishness about buying a $4,000 plasma TV?

We can’t wait to see the letters to the editor about this one.

Giving Credit Where Credit's Not Due

From Self’s “The Girls’ Guide to the Winter Olympics,” February:

Why [figure skaters] amaze:  A four-minute routine takes the stamina of a marathoner, skills of a gymnast and acting ability of a Paris Hilton.

The acting ability of Paris Hilton?  That’s a joke, right?

Although, on second thought, perhaps Paris should consider applying her, uh, talents to the ice.  Those spangled costumes would be absolutely stunning in night vision.

Photo courtesy of DailyCeleb

With Cheekbones Like That...

From Self’s “Living the Yoga Life,” January, a profile of actress/carrier-of-famous-DNA Mariel Hemingway:

Hemingway[’s] acting career has suffered some dry spells.

Despite Mariel’s flagging stardom—apparently, the ability to portray both Maria Shriver and Tipper Gore will only get you a feature in a major monthly, not the cover—she’s been quite busy.

She has starred in the DVD Yoga Now with Rodney Yee and is working on a book called Living in Balance, a follow-up to her yoga-centered memoir Finding My Balance.  She’s also launching a wellness business called In Balance and developing a sitcom.

This is just a wild guess, but we’re pretty sure the sitcom’s title will include the word “balance.”

We’re also quite certain she could spend a little less time worrying about metaphoric balance and slightly more time concerning herself with the principles of literal balance.  To wit:

“When I say I run, I really mean that I run downhill, and that’s only because you can’t help it!” she says.

Yes, Mariel, it’s called gravity.  It makes things go downhill—you know, things like careers. 

Perhaps It's a Reprint From The Dark Ages

We read “Sex and Other Indoor Sports,” in January’s issue of Self, hoping for their standard brand of solid vanilla relationship advice.  Instead, we got this:

When I told my boyfriend I was writing about couple-friendly indoor winter activities, he graciously volunteered his input: “How about watching SportsCenter on ESPN?”

“Couple-friendly,” I repeated.

“Scrabble?” Adam tried.  I shrugged.  Not sexy enough.

“Strip Scrabble?” he offered.  Closer, but not quite.

“I know!  What about his and hers clay foot masks?”

Oh, we get it now.  Men like sports.  Women like beauty products. Men want to sit stone-faced in front of the television. Women want to discuss the relationship. Men like to take charge.  Women are never satisfied with men.

The article goes on to talk about peppermint martinis and a naughty version of Pictionary, but we weren’t turned on.  Unlike Self, we don’t find stereotypes sexy at all.

A Jacket Even Uhura Would Wear...We Think

It’s not the first time a magazine has made an inappropriate, unappealing reference to an article of clothing.

The current offender?  Self’s December issue.  They’ve described a puffy turquoise jacket (pictured at right) as

Star Trek mod with added padding

Funny, we’d have never noticed the jacket’s vaguely Jetsons-esque stylings (pictured on the right) if the magazine hadn’t pointed them out. 

We can’t speak for everyone, and certainly not for Trekkers, Trekkies, or whatever sci-fi fans are calling themselves these days (and who, we suspect, are probably not Self’s target audience anyway), but we’d rather shiver than dress in something reminiscent of Captain Kirk’s jumpsuit. 

Photo and jacket from FreeCountry

Fool Us Once, Shame on Self

All right, Self, you win this round.  You got us with this November cover line:

Oh, Baby!  The Secret to Unforgettable Sex!

Forget slimming down and streamlining our lives--finally, this is some information we can use!  We tore the shrink wrap off our subscription copy and flipped feverishly through the pages, only to realize there was no such article.  We trudged back to the table of contents.

And there we found it:  the secret to unforgettable sex?  Conceiving a child.  The article referenced on the cover is actually a how-to guide for prospective parents.  Apparently, “Oh, Baby!” was intended literally.

We’ll concede that conception would make for an unforgettable encounter, but we’re a little afraid to read the rest of the magazine now that we’ve been ever-so-slightly mislead.  There is this headline:

Got 14 Minutes?  Yes, You Can Change Your Body

and we think it might be about amputation.

A New Low in Celebrity Emulation

Q: I love Evangeline Lilly’s hair on page 198 of the April issue.  How can I get it?
Self, June 2005

We would never advocate scalping a celebrity (or a civilian, for that matter, but who hasn't felt the urge?), but it would be the most efficient--if overly literal--way to get Ms. Lilly’s hair.  Or, you could go the (boring!) route the magazine espouses, and follow their directions to make Ms. Lilly's shining waves your own.

The decision, of course, is in your hands.  And in her scalp.

Photo from DailyCeleb