Glossed Over

Cosmpolitan's Confounding Ideas About Kink and Consent

I don’t often bother with Cosmopolitan’s “Red Hot Read,” an ostensibly sexy excerpt from a recently published novel, for two reasons: generally, more stimulating content can be found within an episode of Degrassi from 2004, and because Cosmo's reality is trying enough. I'm not really pining to know what Cosmo's editors fantasize about.

But because the January issue was atypically lacking in gag-inducing content (or perhaps I just wasn’t reading very closely), I waded through this month’s two-page excerpt from the forthcoming book Satisfaction by Marianne Stillings.

The result? I’m a little unsettled at what’s being passed off as the epitome of swept-away passion.

The novel's main character, Georgie, is a TV host who, for reasons left unexplicated in the text here, has the need for a full-time bodyguard. I’m guessing she’s incredibly beautiful and she’s being stalked by some kind of blandly dressed, asocial psycho who lives with his mother and believes he’s in love with her, because isn’t that usually the case?

Georgie and her guardian Ethan—who’s totally gorgeous, natch—are in a hotel bar for reasons beyond the scope of the excerpt (and perhaps beyond the scope of my comprehension). Our plucky heroine decides to return to her room, so jealous of the attention Ethan is attracting from other women that she’s willing to flounce off alone! Without protection! Ethan decides to escort her upstairs because, well, that’s what he’s getting paid for.

Here’s where it gets weird. Er, weirder:

“Thanks for everything,” she said, letting herself in. But as the door was about to shut, Ethan stepped in… He closed the door, locking it behind him. “I’m staying here tonight,” he said.

[Ethan claims the couch. Georgie goes to bed.]

Then the bed sank down. She turned to see Ethan sitting next to her.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“Don’t you know, Georgie?” he said, putting his hand on her cheek. “I want you. I have for a long time. I want to have sex with you. And I think you want the same thing.”

…Her pulse quickened, and she knew she should push him away. “Are you sure you want this?” she asked.

Wait, what? He’s climbing into her bed uninvited and she’s asking him for consent? Am I the only one who sees a problem here?

Oh, I forgot, his advances are totally justified. She had lustful thoughts about him, so he’s totally within his rights. After all, he’s almost certain that she feels the same way!

And anyway, says Cosmo, it's not like women are supposed to be in charge of any kind of bedroom action. In “Are You Crazy Enough in Bed?” on page 90, an expert opines:

But even guys who are kinkier sometimes don't like it when a woman kick-starts the action. “It seems that men want you to be open to experimentation in the bedroom when they suggest it, but they don't necessarily want you to initiate the wilder moves,” says Amy Levine, certified sexuality educator and founder of sexedsolutions.com. “Proposing anything that may appear choreographed can give them the impression that you've tried doing that with lots of other guys.”

So guys initiating sex (and somehow avoiding criminal charges) by climbing into bed uninvited? Hot! Women doing something that might make a man think she's ever been intimate with someone else? Not okay.

Cosmo, I will never understand you.

Cosmopolitan: Sports Fans, Prepare to Be Single Forever

This Saturday, as I have done most every Saturday this autumn, I spent three and a half hours watching football. (My team won!) Cosmopolitan would have me believe this is a bad thing.

In “Ask Him Anything” in the December issue, the magazine’s “guy guru” tackles a question from a reader who loves sports and hanging out with guys but can’t find love. What’s the problem, exactly? His answer:

Most men prefer women who paint their toenails, not their faces.

Because you can’t possibly be interested in both? And a man would never want to be with a woman who doesn’t use cosmetics at all?

We like being teased about our sports fandom and our excessive beer consumption, and we in turn (secretly) like the fact that girls enjoy more feminine pursuits like shopping or…even more shopping.

Speaking of football, I should probably get myself a helmet, because reading stuff like this makes me want to tackle someone. Where do I even start? The compilation of ludicrous assumptions in this statement is maddening. Let me see if I have this straight:

1. Shopping is inherently feminine.

2. Shopping is the sole thing women are capable of, apparently, since this guy can’t come up with a single other hobby that a woman might be interested in. Never mind that the pastimes enjoyed by women are often the same ones men like! And really, if this guy was just going to spout stereotypes, he couldn't come up with knitting? Yoga? Book group? Can we please get some credit for devoting brain cells to something other than our appearances?

3. Men do not enjoy shopping.

4. Women cannot enjoy both sports and shopping.

5. Men secretly approve of the very things they dismiss as feminine and therefore unworthy of their attention. I’m no psychiatrist, but I think any therapist would have a field day with that.

Common interests are terrific, and we’re psyched when you know what a touchdown is,

Mr. Answer Man is also psyched that his ladyfriend can, like, walk upright and sign her full name without checking her driver’s license.

but that doesn’t mean we want to high-five you every time our favorite team scores one.

…Just know that, contrary to what your buddies tell you, it might take a little longer to find that special someone while you’re waving a gigantic foam hand in the air.

Right, because there are no single men at football games and sports bars!

Just like different athletic leagues have different rules, everything changes once you manage to find a man who approves of your makeup-wearing, sports-shunning ways. When you’re in a committed relationship, says Cosmo, it’s time to give up the mall and settle in on autumn Saturdays and Sundays.

From “Smart Girlfriend Behavior: Do This, Not That” just twelve pages prior to “Ask Him Anything”:

Watch the game with his friends. Spending an afternoon on the couch with his pals says you’re easygoing and cool…and he’ll appreciate your making an effort to get to know his boys.

So watching the game isn't about doing something you enjoy—it's about making your man happy! The article goes on to advise against cheering loudly, chugging beer, and telling off-color jokes.

Let's put it this way: it's really hard for him to be sexually attracted to someone who reminds him of his buddies.

Clearly, Cosmo also thinks it’s impossible for him to be attracted to someone who shares his interests, skips makeup, or acts in any way like the people he spends most of his time with. No wonder Cosmopolitan is so obsessed with getting it on—from their perspective, sex is the only thing both men and women would be interested in.

Cougars, Conrad, and Calories: Another Wince-Worthy Cosmopolitan Cover

Dear Cosmopolitan,

Congratulations! Just when I think I couldn’t possibly be more ashamed of spending my cash on your latest issue, you manage to prove me wrong! You know, I see the guy at my newsstand more often than I see most of my friends, so it would be awesome if you could turn down the blatant lechery just a notch so that I could preserve one minuscule shred of dignity.

I’m not going to protest the celeb on your November cover—this time. While I think Lauren Conrad gets way more credit than she merits (a book deal?), I can’t fault her for exploiting every opportunity that’s come her way. Plus she appears to have some life goals other than being photographed at Kitson every day, unlike the squirelly duo of her erstwhile best friend and the friend’s male counterpart, and I’ve already conceded to knowing way more about The Hills than I care to admit in public,  so I’m going to change subjects now.

On to the truly cringe-inducing elements of the November cover:

• “Bad Girl Sex”: Who are we kidding here? The suggestion to turn your body into a naked sushi buffet (that’s not a euphemism) isn’t “bad girl”—it’s just bad.

• “Lose Weight While You Eat”: Sure! I’m so desperate to drop pounds that I’ll believe anything!

•“The Surprising Touch That Whips a Guy on Date #1”: Oh, I get it. Controlling a man with threats of withholding sex is a real achievement. (That might be my age speaking, though. Unlike many of Cosmo’s readers, I’ve been out of high school for a while.)

• “Am I Normal Down There?”: Guess what? Yes! I am, and you are, and so is everyone else! I may not have any formal medical training, but I can say that with certainty, as can anyone who’s ever flipped through an issue of Seventeen.

• “A Cougar Stole My Man”: Because, you know, men are possessions that can just be snatched away! I actually flipped to this article—you know, morbid curiosity—and one of the alleged man-stealing “cougars” is 35. 35! Cosmo, can you get together with the other members of the women’s magazine cabal and get it straight? Am I supposed to think 30 is the new 20 or that 35-year-olds are so wizened they couldn’t possibly attract a man in his twenties?

Anyway, Cosmo, you’ll notice that I still forked over $4.29. You win this round, but I’m ready for a rematch next month.

Love,

Glossed Over

The Elle Words: Lindsay Lohan, Leggings, and Lesbian Chic

With the release of her new line of leggings, Lindsay Lohan is making the public relations rounds. Lacking a fresh stint in rehab or a spate of late-night carousing to dish about, the mags this month confront a new facet of Lohan’s public persona: her rumored relationship with Samantha Ronson. Are they? Aren’t they? If two women in L.A. date and refuse to discuss it with reporters, are they in fact a couple? Only a publicist can say for sure!

But the unconfirmed nature of their relationship doesn’t prevent breathless insinuations in Elle and Marie Claire, two magazines in which Lohan appears this month. In theory, the alleged Lohan/Ronson assignation gives the magazines a chance to depart from their heteronormative ways and reflect the lives of a broader range of women. This should be a good thing, right?

Elle thinks so, because they just adore the way lesbians dress! From “Fashion News”:

Red Wing, the 103-year-old Minnesota maker of rugged outdoorsman boots, has finally gotten around to launching a women’s line. These black knee-high classics would go great with fall’s new take on lesbian chic.

And what better way to celebrate that “lesbian chic” than with a bit of sniggering about Lohan? From “Hot Child in the City”:

Until then she’ll have to rely on her favorite new bag—a birthday gift from her …friend DJ Samantha Ronson. [innuendo-relaying ellipsis theirs]

On one hand, I see no problem with calling out the inconsistencies between a celeb’s statements and their behavior. On the other, well, the article continues thusly:

She and Sam have been inseparable for months—providing the tabloids with kissy photos stoking endless gossip fires about their relationship.

Like Elle has provided a real counterpoint to the tabloids by discussing their relationship in a non-salacious fashion? For the record, their article about Eva Mendes—another unmarried female—doesn’t once mention potential lovers.

Marie Claire, to their credit, tackles the whole topic in greater depth and in a more straight-forward manner. From “You Don’t Mess with the Lohan”:

…[the bulldog in Lohan’s trailer] belongs to Samantha Ronson, the proto-scenester and DJ with whom Lohan is enmeshed, although she refuses to confirm no-brainer rumors that they are lovers. Lohan’s anecdotes are studded with references to Ronson…

When she tells me, with a giggle, that she’s looking to buy a house “with someone,” it just seems obvious who that someone is. But when I ask Lohan specifically about the relationship, she says, “Um, people can think what they want. I’m really happy, and that’s all that matters.”

Marie Claire seems to concur with that assessment, continuing for three more pages with little further mention of Ronson. Even better, in “My Rookie Year,” about the first year of marriage, two female newlyweds discuss their experiences alongside three hetero couples. It’s progress—and it’s smart business. Why not incorporate as much diversity as possible? There’s no sense in ensuring that entire segments of society will never identify with anyone in the magazine (or at least not exacerbating the current state of disenfranchisement).

Fashion mags have typically endorsed progressive views like pro-choice legislation and family leave laws. Their current incarnations are based on women’s sexual freedom and economic independence. There’s no reason they should be flummoxed by the notion of a same-sex couple—or, on a less cosmic level, by a celeb’s reluctance to discuss her relationship.

Maybe she’s missing the chance to cash in on Elle’s declaration of the “lesbian chic” trend, but Lohan is certainly not the first actress who doesn’t care to elucidate every nuance of her sex life in the pages of a national magazine. Isn’t respecting that—and respecting a variety of relationships—the chicest thing of all?

Working Girl Wednesdays: "Being a Career Girl Kept Me From Visiting a Psychiatrist"

Welcome to Working Girl Wednesdays! Need advice on handling the complexities of the modern workplace? Well, fret no more! Whether it’s a senior partner making a move or a catty co-worker plotting for your plum position, Helen Gurley Brown’s 1964 book Sex and the Office has a solution. Every Wednesday on Glossed Over, I’ll present a new tip from the legendary editor of Cosmopolitan. Is her advice utterly ridiculous or startlingly prescient? You decide!

In “Come Back Little Wives, Widows, Divorcees,” HGB finds two working mothers to tell their stories—in their own words, as she dutifully reminds readers more than once. This is Sally, an executive secretary, on whether men should do housework:

Not everybody agrees with me, but I don’t think the husband of a working wife should ever do domestic chores. They rob him of his manliness and diminish his role as master. Carl has never helped with dishes, errands, or marketing, and I’ve never encouraged him to. I’m so grateful he doesn’t object to my working that I feel one way I can repay him is by spoiling him at home—just as he’d be spoiled if I were there all day.

Newspaper editor Christine discusses a lesser-known benefit of working:

As to what the neighbors say about my working, I tell the catty ones who imply I’m neglecting my family that I don’t coffee-klatch, bowl, play bridge or golf. Most women I know spend more time doing those things than I do on the job. There are the “friends,” of course who wait for you to slip—when you say, “I wish I could get to cleaning out the linen closet,” they say, “Well, when mothers go to work in an office…” their voices trailing off as though they’d just mentioned an unmentionable disease. I’ve learned to recognize and discount the signs of jealousy because I have left the kitchen sink and it’s still headquarters for them. I stoically resist mentioning that my being a part-time career girl may just possibly have kept me from visiting their psychiatrists.

Finally, Helen Gurley Brown offers advice to wives looking to enter the workforce. One of her tips:

Don’t be apologetic about being out of your twenties. A man may tell the personnel office to send him a cutiepie with a thirty-eight bust measurement, but he usually settles for less. A woman over thirty-five (age, that is) who is chic and cute and prompt and quiet and energetic can become the love of a businessman’s life.

Next week: a peek at HGB’s “office life”—in her own words!

Lowest Common Denominator: Cosmopolitan, October

“Just enough”: According to the cover, the amount of bitchiness the magazine will instruct readers to deploy

Not a trace: Actual amount of bitchiness in the behavior Cosmo advises

Endless: My irritation that addressing situations in the direct but polite manner recommended would be labeled bitchiness—by a women’s magazine, no less

9: Paragraphs, of 14, in the Kate Hudson cover story “Charismatic Kate” mentioning men or relationships

3: Paragraphs in the same article that refer to her professional endeavors (acting and her new line of beauty products)

4: Pages allotted to “This is What It Means…When Guys Cry,” a guide to divining his true emotions through his body language

1: Number of times in that piece that flat-out asking him about his behavior is suggested

44, 34, 33, and 27: Ages of the “older men” in “We’ve Got a Thing for Older Men,” page 86

$4.29: Cover price of an issue of Cosmo, the amount one reader convinced her boyfriend to spend every month as an “investment that he would benefit from too” (“How I Got Him To…”)

107: Page on which Cosmo found it necessary to illustrate the precise dimensions of a “quarter-size drop” of shampoo with a brightly colored circle

3: Number of “bogus” excuses men use to opt out of sex, as enumerated in “If He Stops Wanting Sex, Something is Wrong”

Very, very small: Likelihood that any magazine would deride women’s reasons for declining sex as “bogus”

71: Items “A Brilliant Way to Save Bucks” suggests purchasing at the dollar store

Infinitesimal: Estimated IQ Cosmo attributes to its readers, since, in addition to the handy quarter graphic, they felt compelled to include the helpful tip that dollar stores are sometimes known as 99-cent stores

4: Pages allotted to an article about a woman who counsels sex offenders for a living

4: Pages allotted to “Be the Smartest, Sexiest Girl in Town,” Candace Bushnell’s tips on work, money, and men

Mere inches: Space devoted to advice from Arianna Huffington, Rep. Gabrielle Giffords, CNN correspondent Suzanne Malveaux, and Maureen Dowd; their quotes are scattered throughout the politics-inspired clothing editorial “Winning Fashion”

Working Girl Wednesdays: "The Nymphomaniac Who Owns a Liquor Store"

Welcome to Working Girl Wednesdays! Need advice on handling the complexities of the modern workplace? Well, fret no more! Whether it’s a senior partner making a move or a catty co-worker plotting for your plum position, Helen Gurley Brown’s 1964 book Sex and the Office has a solution. Every Wednesday on Glossed Over, I’ll present a new tip from the legendary editor of Cosmopolitan. Is her advice utterly ridiculous or startlingly prescient? You decide!

This week’s chapter is entitled “Getting Into the Act—and Out,” covering the mechanics of starting an office affair and, inevitably, extricating oneself from it. If you aren’t a “child worker” (too young to be interested in co-workers) or an “abstainer” (self-explanatory), here are some of HGB’s tips for landing the dream guy in the corner office.

First, keep your expectations in check.

A grown woman should be womanly, warm and wooing, though with finesse. Prostitutes and call girls do get married (and for Pete’s sake nobody is suggesting you be one) while many child-women do not. Prostitutes are used to being with men, are comfortable with men and know how to make men happy. And they don’t demand that all men have exactly the right credentials.

Next, HGB suggests you be open to suitors who aren’t your type.

I’m not saying be nice to small men because it’s philanthropy day…I’m saying you might come across something good. Do pick out an especially nice five-foot-five or under man and say to yourself, “Him heap big man inside…me bring him coffee, him open doors for me, carry heavy files for me, drag chairs across floor for me. Pretty soon him feel nine feet tall. Me have nice man in my life.”

If dropping hankies in his office isn’t your style (remember, I’m not making this up), at least you can put yourself in the proper mindset to land a man:

Don’t fret that you are not the cool, practical beauty who can bring off these liaisons with more equanimity. Give a man a girl who enjoys sex for sex’s sake, without guilt feelings or possessive qualities, and who doesn’t care what he does between-times so long as he sees her every other Thursday, and she’ll quickly become a puzzle to him and a problem to herself. In our society that girl would have to be considered a kook. Her being a completely “sensible” biological creature would be no more desirable to him or “good” for her than her being that mythical ideal girl—the nymphomaniac who owns a liquor store. At least that’s how things stand with us twentieth century ladies right now.

I’ve never been so glad to live in the 21st century!

Next week: Twenty pages of instruction to launch your career as a call girl! Oh, this is going to be good.

Working Girl Wednesdays: "Women Like Bruises, Even Non-Cuckoo Women"

Welcome to Working Girl Wednesdays! Need advice on handling the complexities of the modern workplace? Well, fret no more! Whether it’s a senior partner making a move or a catty co-worker plotting for your plum position, Helen Gurley Brown’s 1964 book Sex and the Office has a solution. Every Wednesday on Glossed Over, I’ll present a new tip from the legendary editor of Cosmopolitan. Is her advice utterly ridiculous or startlingly prescient? You decide!

Today’s chapter, “Three Little Bedtime Stories,” lets three different acolytes of Sex and the Office tell their sordid tales—in their own words!

From a woman who had a four-year dalliance with a married coworker who lived on the opposite coast:

If a man in your company is single, of course, you find out everything you can about him if you have to hire Pinkerton. If he’s married, you don’t go quite so all out. Perhaps Steve decided to ask me out because I had made some improvements since we first met. My psychoanalysis was all finished, I dressed and looked better at thirty-six than I had in my twenties, and I had a good female body.

From a 24-year-old secretary who had an “arrangement” with her boss:

People to whom this sort of thing never happens are usually horrified by the idea. It just isn’t that horrible if you like the man. It’s sexy to try on lingerie knowing that someone you like very much is going to see you in it. Maybe it’s even a little sexier knowing that somebody is going to pay for the lingerie…I’m sure he liked the fact that I was his quiet, sweet, efficient, demure little secretary at work and the rest of the time an adored and expensive courtesan.

And from a woman who took up with her company’s efficiency consultant:

He beat me—only across the buttocks—with perhaps ten more strokes, not terribly hard. It wasn’t wildly painful, but it did hurt. Then he stopped and made love to me, and that was great…The welts on my backside healed—after turning blue-black, then purple, then green, then yellow-chartreuse. I used to look at them fascinated. They were pretty exotic. Women like bruises, I think, even non-cuckoo women. I’ve known two girls who came to the office with black eyes (I don’t know what from), and I always got the feeling they were a little proud. Maybe bruises make a woman feel feminine and helpless. [Emphasis mine, for reasons that should be obvious]

Next week: a chapter that, at first glance, seems totally inscrutable. So here’s an exemplar sentence chosen totally at random: “Suppose you do like men, you are not a child-woman.”

I'm Not in Love with Glamour's Relationship Advice

Glamour seems to have confused itself with Cosmopolitan this month. Its “Men, Sex & Love” section is packed with the kinds of things that are usually the purview of its trashier counterpart.

It kicks off with “14 Things He Wants You to Know About His Body,” which includes little-known facts like that men enjoy receiving compliments. Thanks, Glamour, that’s going to revolutionize my relationship. Also, there’s this overstatement from the guys:

Prostate exams (nearly) make up for the whole not-giving-birth thing—you’ll see!

Okay, I am the owner of neither a prostate nor a child, but do we really need to base relationship advice on a battle of whose biology has doomed them to more humiliating medical visits? (Also, guys, are you sure you want to turn this into a contest? Prostate exams don’t follow you home and require 18 years of financial support.)

Then there’s this charmingly titled article:

Guys, What Do You Want to Do Sexually That You’ve Never Done Before?

Good thing Glamour’s giving guys space to express their fantasies! Where else would men get to talk about threesomes?

“He Wants You Back” purports to reveal the “sweetly desperate, painfully sad” things men have done while disregarding a woman’s wish to end the relationship. Serenading her in a grocery store is kind of sweet (if you can ignore the stalker-like aspects of following your ex-girlfriend while she shops), but one of these stories veers into downright creepy.

So one night, when I was in South Carolina and she was in Delaware visiting a friend, I decided to proclaim my love to her…When I got there at 4 a.m., the front door was unlocked, so I tiptoed around to find her. [emphasis mine]

Oh, entering someone else’s home in the middle of the night without permission is so romantic! Illegal trespassing is the best way to prove your love and devotion!

Well, all this advice is potentially good for one thing: if I ever wanted to confirm my worst suspicions about men, Glamour’s stories might come in very handy.

What’s the worst love advice you’ve ever read in a magazine?

We Read It So You Don't Have To: Spilling the Secrets of Cosmopolitan's Cover Lines

Sexy sex with him? Sexier sex clothes! Hair sex fashion sex naked sexy sex. To my admittedly biased eye, that’s what the cover lines of Cosmopolitan look like every single month. Each new issue kicks off an anxious inner monologue: Didn’t they promote those exact same stories last month? Why can’t they find a synonym for “sexy”? What is that one thing he wishes I knew about his body? Um, is anyone going to see me buying this? Better pick up a newspaper, too. See, newsstand guy, I’m smart! I’m just inordinately interested in shoving my cleavage up to my collarbone and finding out what’s really on his mind.

It would save me an awful lot of newsstand dithering if there were a quick, easy way to divine the solutions to the oh-so-important (and sexy!) dilemmas posed on the cover. So, in the interest of providing this valuable public service, I bought the September issue and read the articles highlighted on the cover to find the answers. Spoiler alert!

100 Sex Truths: Short and Sweet Answers to Burning Sex Questions. Put ‘Em To Use Tonight

If you can get through this Q-and-A without snorting in derision, you’re way more mature than I am. With its 20-words-or-less answers, this article reads like the transcript of an X-rated game show’s lightning round. For instance:

I’m dating a bad kisser. Does that mean he’ll totally suck in the sack?

Maybe

Also, I’m issuing demerits for lack of imagination (or junior-high gleefulness) about the topic covered in question 69. Don’t make me explain.

His Girlfriend Wish List: Do You Have These 9 Surprising Traits?

The only thing surprising about this list is that “a hot bod” isn’t on it. Otherwise, it’s the usual: you know, be cool to his friends, ignore his flaws, don’t break into his email account and flag messages from his friends as spam.

Sexier Hair: All New Looks!

Hey, Cosmo? An article called “Sex Up Your Style” probably shouldn't contain the sentence “They’re so easy, it’s ridiculous.” People might get the wrong idea. Just saying.

What He Thinks When You’re Butt Naked Besides Yes!

If I learned one thing from this article, it’s that men have Sherlock Holmes-level observational skills. For instance, in just one romantic romp, a man will notice subtle details like whether you invited him to your home. If he’s a real master of perception, he might also suss out that you’re running your fingernails down his back and that you’ve remained partially clothed during the interlude. Sharp!

Blake Lively: How She Snagged Fame and Happiness

Wouldn’t you be happy if you were a 5’10” television star with an equally hot and famous boyfriend and the ability to down three desserts in a single meeting with a Cosmo reporter? Yeah.

Guys Voted: The Sex Position They Lust For

Drum roll, please! The winner, voted the “sexiest position of all” in a Cosmo poll, is, in the words of the mag... “getting busy against a wall.” Whether or not it’s sexy, it’s certainly complex: this issue offers two full pages of tips and explanations. Gotta justify that $4.29 cover price somehow!

Fall Fashion Under $50-$75-$100

Indeed! An $88 white cotton tank top does qualify as fashion under $100.

Jeans Too Tight? This Trick Banishes Bloat in One Day

Cosmopolitan is on the forefront of medical research, revealing in this exclusive report that drinking several glasses of water in one day is a surefire way to rid your body of excess fluid so you can squeeze into your True Religions. Apparently, water is a clear, calorie-free liquid substance that the human body requires on a daily basis. Who knew?

I’m hoping Cosmo uses a cover line like “Why You Still Buy This Magazine Despite Its Overbearing Focus on Pleasing Men and Its Continued Inability to Offer Intelligent Discourse” soon. If they can shed some light on that mystery, I’ll buy that issue without a second of hesitation.