Glossed Over

The Fifth Annual September Vogue Liveblog

Good morning! Welcome to the fifth annual liveblog of the September issue of Vogue. Five years! 

The rules: I have not opened this issue, nor have I read any blog posts/articles/embittered rants about its content. I will, however, admit to watching Racked try to smash snack foods with this sucker. It's heavy! The liveblog goes in chronological order; refresh the page to see the latest updates.

Oh, and one more thing. As I mentioned in the video, I will be tweeting during the day using the hashtag #vogueliveblog, and I would love for you to use that hashtag too! As a small token of my gratitude for all of you out there reading along with me, I'll be giving The September Issue on DVD to three randomly selected people who tweet a link to this site and the hashtag between 10 a.m. today and 5 p.m. Eastern on Friday. (This is not a sponsored giveaway, just me spending my own money to send three lucky people a movie. US and Canada only, sorry.) Remember, your tweet must include both a link--you can use http://bit.ly/vogueliveblog11--and the hashtag #vogueliveblog to be eligible to win.  [Contest now closed, winners declared.] Thanks for being here!

Now let's get going.

Vogue Liveblog 2010: The One with Halle Berry on the Cover

The other day someone asked me why I still do the liveblog. After all, I've done it three years in a row. Isn't it time to move on? To which I say: Definitely not! I've been so focused on my day job lately that I'm barely finding time to read anything. (Alas, snarking on fashion magazines does not pay the rent, though I'm willing to entertain offers.) If not for this liveblog, I might never read September Vogue. That page count is intimidating!

As always, the rules: I have not opened this issue of Vogue. I have not read what any other writers thought about this issue. I'll be looking at everything except the cover for the first time. The liveblog happens in real time, so just hit refresh on this post to see the latest entries. And I'll be posting periodic updates on Twitter and Facebook throughout the day, too.

Here we go!

Vogue Liveblog 2009: The Real September Issue

The cover of this year's edition says it's "the REAL September issue," as opposed to The September Issue. It's a differentiation that doesn't make much sense for most of us, since the movie's only opened in one city. But it just wouldn't be Vogue if it were accessible to everyone!

Before I begin the liveblog, the rules: I have not read any part of this issue—in fact, I haven't even opened it. I have not read any commentary from other blogs about this issue. All I've seen are the front and back covers.  And I'll be blogging in real time—just refresh this post to see the latest.

On with the magazine!

Announcing the 2009 September Vogue Liveblog

Vogue, we meet again! Starting at 10:00 a.m. Pacific on Wednesday, Sept. 2, I’ll undertake my third annual liveblog of the September issue of Vogue—reading it all in one sitting and blogging as I go.

Will André Leon Talley imply that he’s a close friend of at least one A-list star? Will Plum Sykes write 47 pages about something totally inconsequential? Will this issue contain a minimum of six hilariously off-base references to the recession? Yes! Will I lose my mind reading all this dreck in one sitting? Almost certainly!

So please join me next week for six hours (or more!) of the biggest fashion magazine of the year. Check out how I did in 2007 and last year—and until next week, no spoilers, please. Unless you want to tell me all about the photos of Hugh Jackman, in which case, you have my full attention.

Vogue's Power Issue Is Less Than Empowering

I have a terrible cold, and it won't go away. Still, there's an upside to being home sick: plenty of time to read magazines! If there’s one person who can shake me from my Nyquil-induced stupor, it’s Anna Wintour. In an attempt to distract myself from the vanishing likelihood of breathing through my nose before Labor Day, I decided to flip through the March issue of Vogue.

Wintour’s monthly “Letter from the Editor” is, predictably, the usual attempt to make the magazine seem relevant by employing the most tenuous of connections to link fashion to a prodigious list of the planet’s ills. For instance: did you know that refraining from buying clothes is indefensible? Your inability to afford designer clothing is why people are losing their jobs! I'm not making this up.

Then, explaining that this is the “Power Issue,” Wintour runs through the list of women who receive considerable space in its pages: Michelle Obama. Carla Bruni Sarkozy. Queen Rania of Jordan. Melinda Gates.

And, not mentioned by Wintour, but appearing in a lengthy profile shortly after her letter, Silda Wall Spitzer.

Notice anything about that list of women? They’re all primarily known for—and because of—the men they married.

In no way do I mean to downplay or diminish the individual accomplishments of these women, all of whom are intelligent and successful in their own right. And I’m not suggesting that there be never be any mention of profile subjects’ personal lives. After all, if that were the case, how would Vogue manage its annual Jennifer Aniston sobfest?

I am suggesting that they include more women whose notability is their own. (To be fair, this issue also contains an article about Twilight author Stephenie Meyer—significantly shorter than the other profiles—and the usual smattering of celebrities and fashion-world types.) When the majority of ink in the "Power Issue" is devoted to women whose renown and influence streams heavily from their spouses, Vogue is either making a cynical observation about the state of women today or telling us that a woman's greatest accomplishment is landing a successful husband.

Not that I expect Vogue to become a serious source of inspiration. But it could be worse—this issue also contains hundreds of words about the apparently transformative powers of Plum Sykes' haircut. I'll take a story about a famous wife over the tale of a woman whose life revolves around her own appearance any day.

Vogue: Shopping Saves Lives, Marriages, and Sykes

In case the interminable pages of advertisements didn’t make it clear, Vogue has just one simple request for you: spend money! Virtually every page in the October issue has something to buy—from Ralph Lauren fragrance to Tiffany bangles to pretty much every garment that can conceivably be crafted out of fur. (Seriously, so much fur. Is Anna Wintour trying to provoke another pie in the face?)

But until I read this issue, I didn’t know that shopping isn’t merely a way to fill the Vogue-induced perception of a void in my wardrobe. Actually, shopping is an essential pursuit that does more than extract insane sums of money from women to fill the coffers of multinational conglomerates who manufacture everything in the Third World. No, shopping is the solution for everything!

For instance, there’s this anecdote from Joan Juliet Buck’s “Costumes for the Revolution” wherein she discusses her mother’s daring 1968 escape from the demonstration-roiled French capital:

My mother, caught in the upheaval on a little spring shopping trip to Paris, coped with customary brio. She tracked down her father’s old chauffeur and persuaded him to convey her up to Belgium on a tankful of bartered gasoline, with all her new clothes in the trunk.

If she hadn’t had a pile of brand new Parisian designs to protect, she might never have found the courage to seek out a working-class person and bribe her way out of France! Quick, someone commission a TV movie about this incredible triumph of the human spirit!

For those who’ve never been forced to flee a foreign city, a trip to a retailer can serve as the very foundation of a relationship. In “Bliss Travels,” the writer describes how depressed she became after moving to Berlin.  She was so despondent she couldn’t muster the fortitude to slip into her selection of brand new designer dresses. (I’m sure you can relate.) But this story has a happy ending: her husband had available credit.

Back in Germany in December, Justin took me to the KaDeWe, the largest department store in continental Europe, and led me to the Wolford counter. It was cold outside. If I was going to wear dresses, I needed tights.

To my Berliner friends who implied that marriage is pointless, I point to my tights.

Indeed! Without a husband, who will buy your legwear for you?

And in Plum Sykes’ “A Twist, to the Wrist,” my favorite writer describes how shopping is not a frivolous diversion but, in fact, one which provides a woman with a meaningful odyssey that will forever alter her destiny:

There are three things a woman really needs at 38: a husband, at least one child, and a dress with long sleeves, which, I have discovered over the years, may be harder to come by than the husband. I found two potential husbands in the space of four years—and married one of them. But in all that time, I found only one really good dress with long sleeves, despite looking for such a frock just as diligently as I looked for the husband.

The entire article explains Sykes’ continuing quest to find her own Holy Grail, a long-sleeved dress. Her tireless pursuit takes her from downtown Manhattan boutiques to designer showrooms to lunch at exclusive restaurants in pursuit of this rare item women absolutely require. Sykes has selflessly devoted much time and energy to tracking down these elusive artifacts. Such an altruist!

In this rocky economic climate, Vogue realizes that shopping is a surefire way to stimulate the economy. Packed with stories about the vital role that spending money plays in our lives, this issue has truly opened my eyes. Who knew that serving my country would allow me to simultaneously achieve the greatest personal fulfillment? Shopping will fill more than my closet—it will fill my heart! I’ll meet you at the mall!

Live Blog: September Vogue's 798 Pages

Last week, when I bought an armful of September issues, the cashier at my favorite newsstand said, "You've got your reading cut out for you." Little did he know that I planned to spend an entire day poring over the pages of just one magazine.

For the record: I have not opened this issue of Vogue, nor have I read what any other blogs had to say about anything other than the cover. The only thing I've peeked at was the back cover, because by the time I reach it, I may be too delirious to realize I've reached the end.

August's Vogue Made Me Feel Better About My Life (and My Underarms)

Whenever I feel a bit down, I turn to Vogue to distract me. Not because the content makes me happy—but because reading an issue always serves as a reminder that, no matter my troubles, there are millions of completely unimportant things I could worry about instead! The August issue forced me out of my funk to ponder the provenance of the term “mogulette” (page 70), whether my underarms need a surgical intervention (page 220), and what circumstances, exactly, would require Anna Wintour’s three assistants to wrangle a visa from a country under siege (page 249).

Below, I’ve listed the top five astoundingly frivolous matters that Vogue caused me to consider. This may be the first time a fashion magazine has made me feel good about my life! If I were the kind of woman who would seriously consider cosmetic surgery for my armpits, life would be so much more complex.

1. From Grace Coddington’s quote on the “Contributors” page:

“[I love] indulging in expensive clothes—cheaper ones don’t look good on an older person.”

But snobbery looks good at any age! Should I be investing more in my retirement accounts to cover the designer clothes my dotage will apparently require?

2. From the Kate Moss profile, “View from the Top,” by Plum Sykes:

The antithesis of the airbrushed celebrity, Moss, now 34, has done nothing to disguise her age: Her kohl-lined, chestnut-brown eyes have tiny creases at the edges, and her makeup-free face is as natural as ever, with two little lines across the top of her nose…The reason she won’t do Botox is that if a photographer asked her to frown in a picture and she couldn’t, she’d be “really embarrassed,” she says.

Yes, one must have a solid excuse for not wanting botulism toxin injected into one’s face. What is my justification for not immediately obliterating the tiniest signs of aging? I’m only a few years younger than Moss!

3. Sykes again, talking about Moss’ Topshop clothing line:

She shows me a slew of clothes that are extraordinarily desirable considering their price: She holds up a slightly Beatles-esque wool sweater…(around $110); there’s a charming black chiffon flapper dress that could easily wander into a cocktail party on Park Avenue ($240); most of all I want the skinny black sweater with sheer chiffon blouson sleeves ($100)…

“Considering their price”? Has Plum Sykes ever met anyone who isn’t a millionaire? (Okay, that’s something I actually wonder about.)

4. From the Chris Evert profile “A Shining Moment”:

Tennis champion Chris Evert has won eighteen Grand Slam titles. But her best is yet to come—as a bride-to-be at 53.

Now that I’m married, should I even bother with a career? Because it seems landing a man is the greatest accomplishment a woman can ever aspire to!

5. Finally, from “Joint Session” by Judith Newman:

...I was visiting [Gerald Pitman, M.D.] to see whether I was a candidate for liposuction of the knee. They’d always been pleasantly dimpled, but now, as I got older, they were undeniably pudgy. Knees are not the worst of my problems, God knows…

So there are doctors who’ll remove excess fat and skin from your knees, but is there a surgical procedure to eliminate excessive narcissism?

See! Don’t you feel better already?

Sex-y Secrets • Seeing Sex and the City this weekend? Check out this article from Fashion Week Daily, which lifts the veil (pun intended) on the film’s relationship with Vogue.

Lowest Common Denominator: Vogue, June

7: Days I was in possession of this issue before I realized Sarah Jessica Parker is sitting between a man’s legs on the cover

1.333: Pages devoted to France’s first lady, Carla Bruni-Sarkozy

6.333: Pages covering Cindy McCain, wife of U.S. presidential nominee Senator John McCain

20: Number of names appearing in boldface in André Leon Talley’s column, “Life with André”

1: Ostensibly non-satirical song by Ashanti, called “Diva,” that name-drops André Leon Talley (Sample lyrics, as quoted by the man himself: “Give them runway, now bring it!...Let me see that layout…Don’t come for me, I’ll come for you.”)

Zero: Chance I’ll be wearing the drop-crotch pants featured in “Drop Everything” by Sarah Mower

348,320: Estimated number of mentions of designer Philip Lim in this issue. I get it, already!

$1,242: Total cost of an ensemble labeled the “bare minimum” for writer Jane Herman’s trip to Tulum (That’s a $362 Alexander Wang top, $385 shorts by Yigal Azrouel, and $495 Bally heels.)

€250: Price of the “bare essentials” Beauty Director Sarah Brown purchased on arrival in Italy in lieu of carry ing her necessities on the plane

3: Occurrences of the unctuous term “Vogue-ette,” as used by writer Plum Sykes in “Rebel Romance,” which chronicles the unholy melding of the Sex and the City movie’s fake version of Vogue and real-life Vogue

3: Nonfictional Vogue staffers apparently appearing in the film (Talley, West Coast Fashion Editor Lawren Howell, and Sykes)

4: Locales depicted in this month’s fashion spreads—New York, San Francisco, Mali, and Patagonia

31: Age difference, in years, between Pierce Brosnan and model Daria Werbowy, who both appear in “San Francisco Chronicles”

18: Age difference, in years, between profile subject Cindy McCain and her husband

1: Evidently unselfconscious reference to Gilligan’s Island, by Sally Singer in “From Here to Timbuktu...” (Quote: “It’s hard to imagine a more chic and gloriously Mrs. Thurston Howell III-like rebuff to e-mail messages than ‘Talk soon. In Timbuktu.’ This is precisely what I’m doing…”)

18: Photos of Sarah Jessica Parker in this issue, including the cover, the table of contents, Anna Wintour’s “Letter from the Editor,” a Garnier ad, “Rebel Romance,” and “Marry, Marry, Quite Contrary”