Hey, teens! Have no idea what you’d like to do with your life? So awkward and insecure you’ll attend your ten-year high school reunion with something to prove?
Then Marie Claire’s November issue has just the thing for you! In “The Savvy Girl’s Guide to Surviving a Reunion,” the magazine lists some accomplishments—er, “accomplishments”—you’ll want to rub in your classmates’ faces. What better way to retaliate against that hateful Facebook bully than by wearing a hot outfit? Just pick one of this issue’s six personas (in bold below), plan your ensemble, and live happily ever after. Really, it’s that simple.
Look out, world! Behold the best and brightest of Marie Claire High School’s graduating class!
Budding CEO Status
Only smart people wear glasses, right? So if you had specs in high school, get ready to impress your classmates with your perspicacity…by wearing even more prominent, less flattering frames.
Remember those thick Buddy Holly frames everyone made fun of? They’re in.
And maybe once your erstwhile classmates hear how much money you hauled in last year, they’ll stop snickering about how unflattering your glasses are.
Were you the girl who had to walk her laps in gym class? The last picked for every game of badminton?
Wow everyone with a skintight dress and booties…
Flaunt it! All the guys you crushed on years ago now have bald spots and pot bellies, but that won’t stop them from getting hammered and slurring pathetic declarations about how they always thought you were beautiful back then. Be gracious. You’re more attractive than they are—therefore, you win at life!
Bun in the Oven
I’m going to quote this one without commentary. It’s just that ludicrous.
At the 10-year reunion, the entire girls lacrosse team chided your workaholism—you’d simply forgotten to have children, they sneered. Make like Angelina in a long jersey jumper that clings in all the right places, revealing your on-trend baby bump.
See what I mean?
Were you a curfew-meeting, demerit-free, rule-abiding killjoy? What better way to demonstrate how you’ve learned to eschew convention than by wearing mismatched clothes and candy-colored heels!
The more you clash, the better you look.
That’ll show ‘em! Everyone knows wearing exactly what a fashion magazine tells you is the best way to demonstrate individuality. What a special snowflake you are!
Husband, 2.5 Kids, and White Picket Fence
Did you stay home with a stack of VHS tapes on prom night and graduate without having experienced a single kiss? Good news! Your existence has been validated now that you’ve somehow found some dude to pledge eternal devotion and impregnate you multiple times!
Coordinate your outfit with an element of your hubby’s without going full-on Jada and Will. A shell, pencil skirt, and cape pull together the whole smug package.
And everyone likes a smug married! Don’t forget to tell those bitches from the songleading squad about the darling thing little McKenna did at last week’s mommy-and-me yogilates class!
Hefty Divorce Settlement
There are excellent career prospects for a high school heartbreaker—you won’t need one. As an adult, men will actually give you money to break up with them!
…[show] up in your favorite fur coat thrown over a red-carpet-worthy dress—after all, your ex is paying for it.
Suggested cocktail hour conversation topic: divorce attorneys. If nothing else, you’ll be able to recommend the best one around.
But really, I don’t understand Marie Claire spending so many pages talking about high school reunions as if they’re events to be wary of. What woman wouldn’t want to spend hours trapped in one room with her entire high school graduating class reminiscing about the very best years of her life? Right?