Glossed Over

Lowest Common Denominator: Cosmopolitan, October

“Just enough”: According to the cover, the amount of bitchiness the magazine will instruct readers to deploy

Not a trace: Actual amount of bitchiness in the behavior Cosmo advises

Endless: My irritation that addressing situations in the direct but polite manner recommended would be labeled bitchiness—by a women’s magazine, no less

9: Paragraphs, of 14, in the Kate Hudson cover story “Charismatic Kate” mentioning men or relationships

3: Paragraphs in the same article that refer to her professional endeavors (acting and her new line of beauty products)

4: Pages allotted to “This is What It Means…When Guys Cry,” a guide to divining his true emotions through his body language

1: Number of times in that piece that flat-out asking him about his behavior is suggested

44, 34, 33, and 27: Ages of the “older men” in “We’ve Got a Thing for Older Men,” page 86

$4.29: Cover price of an issue of Cosmo, the amount one reader convinced her boyfriend to spend every month as an “investment that he would benefit from too” (“How I Got Him To…”)

107: Page on which Cosmo found it necessary to illustrate the precise dimensions of a “quarter-size drop” of shampoo with a brightly colored circle

3: Number of “bogus” excuses men use to opt out of sex, as enumerated in “If He Stops Wanting Sex, Something is Wrong”

Very, very small: Likelihood that any magazine would deride women’s reasons for declining sex as “bogus”

71: Items “A Brilliant Way to Save Bucks” suggests purchasing at the dollar store

Infinitesimal: Estimated IQ Cosmo attributes to its readers, since, in addition to the handy quarter graphic, they felt compelled to include the helpful tip that dollar stores are sometimes known as 99-cent stores

4: Pages allotted to an article about a woman who counsels sex offenders for a living

4: Pages allotted to “Be the Smartest, Sexiest Girl in Town,” Candace Bushnell’s tips on work, money, and men

Mere inches: Space devoted to advice from Arianna Huffington, Rep. Gabrielle Giffords, CNN correspondent Suzanne Malveaux, and Maureen Dowd; their quotes are scattered throughout the politics-inspired clothing editorial “Winning Fashion”

Lowest Common Denominator: Elle, September

600+: Number of pages in the September issue, according to the cover

636: Actual number of pages in this issue

1.75: Number of hips Jessica Simpson has, also according to the cover

4: Contestants from the upcoming Stylista featured in a co-branded H&M ad (Best quote from one of the contestants: “You can look good in anything as long as you have a smile on your face and you haven’t bad too many Double Doubles.” Thanks for that insight.)

3: Length, in minutes, of a Stylista preview promoted in Robbie Meyers’ “Editor’s Letter”

239,402: Based on the promotional brigade thus far, the approximate number of further Stylista mentions I’m expecting in this issue

2: Ugly Betty characters who receive Joe Zee makeovers in “Style A to Zee”

100%: My expectation that this issue will also contain numerous mentions of Just Shoot Me, since Elle seems bent on cornering the fashion-mag-as-TV-show market

1: Reference to The Lost Boys as the inspiration for gothic fashion, in “Wicked Ways”

$3,840: Price of the “bag of the season,” a snakeskin Fendi, as listed on page 310

0: Percent of people who are not fashion editors who think $3,840 is a reasonable price for a bag for “the season”

Boundless: My incredulity that “short trousers” are in for fall, as shown in “Fall’s Must-Haves.” Can anyone who isn’t a 6-foot-tall model wear these? Would anyone even want to?

90210: Zip code-turned-title of the show Elle deems “DVR-worthy” in “Elle 25” (Okay, okay, I’m looking forward to it, too. Donna Martin graduates!)

428: Page on which Stylista is mentioned AGAIN. This time, an editorial assistant interviews Joe Zee and Anne Slowey, apparently because they so rarely get a chance to express themselves in the pages of Elle

2.333: Pages assigned to “Killer Stiller,” a profile of—you guessed it—Ben Stiller

7: Pages devoted to political coverage

19: Pages of beauty coverage

13: Age difference, in years, between writer Philip Nobel and the girlfriend whom he left his wife to be with, in “Danger Man”

Monthly: Estimated frequency with which at least one of the women’s mags runs a similar story about a man who left his wife in pursuit of a younger woman

40: Age of model Stephanie Seymour, who appears in fashion spread “Forever in Blue Jeans” (and looks amazing, for the record)

23, 20, and 19: Ages of Ashley Tisdale, Zac Efron, and Vanessa Hudgens, respectively, who appear in “High School Confidential”

Lowest Common Denominator: Glamour, August

47: Number of items promised on the front cover by number

Not much: What Glamour thinks of its readers, considering the cover lines’ emphasis on “cheap,” “easy,” “lazy,” and “shortcuts”

8: Percent of women surveyed by Glamour who say going to work bra-less is a “do”

$1,000,000: Money Drew Barrymore donated for relief in Africa, as cited in “Drew’s Million-Dollar Miracle”

20,000: Children that money will feed for a year, based on the article’s statement that $50 feeds one child for twelve months

$1,267: Total retail value of the featured cosmetics in the Beauty section immediately following the piece about Barrymore

18: Number of “real women” depicted in the “Jeans Special” section

8: Of 10, the number of real women considered “don’ts” in “The Official Dos and Don’ts of Denim”

1: Page devoted to “I Could Be Killed for Helping This Woman,” about a volunteer who works illegally in Myanmar providing aid to cyclone victims

3: Pages devoted to Christina Aguilera, not including the cover

975,301: Approximate number of times I’ve read how a celebrity got back into shape after childbirth in a women’s magazine, now that I’ve read the Xtina interview

975, 301: Approximate number of those articles containing clichés about motherhood (“My little boy breathes new life into me…Of course you have compassion for children, but when you have your own, you feel it on a much deeper level…Our child comes first, obviously…”)

10: Pages of “Fall Clothes You Can Wear Now,” including a full-length coat, a long-sleeved black lace dress, and several pairs of opaque tights

82: Forecasted high temperature, in degrees, for my city on Monday, July 14

11: Number of Olympic athletes featured in “The 11 Greatest Bodies on Earth”

Not a one: Models in this issue whose shapes look remotely like these “greatest bodies”

Minuscule: Amount of belief I have that Glamour’s praise for the Olympians’ bodies will eventually translate into a wider range of models in the fashion spreads (Don’t get me wrong. I want it to happen very much; I’m just a cynic.)

100: Percent of clothes in “The New Rules of Casual Chic” that come from the Gap

Nada: Gap items featured elsewhere in the issue

Lowest Common Denominator: Vogue, June

7: Days I was in possession of this issue before I realized Sarah Jessica Parker is sitting between a man’s legs on the cover

1.333: Pages devoted to France’s first lady, Carla Bruni-Sarkozy

6.333: Pages covering Cindy McCain, wife of U.S. presidential nominee Senator John McCain

20: Number of names appearing in boldface in André Leon Talley’s column, “Life with André”

1: Ostensibly non-satirical song by Ashanti, called “Diva,” that name-drops André Leon Talley (Sample lyrics, as quoted by the man himself: “Give them runway, now bring it!...Let me see that layout…Don’t come for me, I’ll come for you.”)

Zero: Chance I’ll be wearing the drop-crotch pants featured in “Drop Everything” by Sarah Mower

348,320: Estimated number of mentions of designer Philip Lim in this issue. I get it, already!

$1,242: Total cost of an ensemble labeled the “bare minimum” for writer Jane Herman’s trip to Tulum (That’s a $362 Alexander Wang top, $385 shorts by Yigal Azrouel, and $495 Bally heels.)

€250: Price of the “bare essentials” Beauty Director Sarah Brown purchased on arrival in Italy in lieu of carry ing her necessities on the plane

3: Occurrences of the unctuous term “Vogue-ette,” as used by writer Plum Sykes in “Rebel Romance,” which chronicles the unholy melding of the Sex and the City movie’s fake version of Vogue and real-life Vogue

3: Nonfictional Vogue staffers apparently appearing in the film (Talley, West Coast Fashion Editor Lawren Howell, and Sykes)

4: Locales depicted in this month’s fashion spreads—New York, San Francisco, Mali, and Patagonia

31: Age difference, in years, between Pierce Brosnan and model Daria Werbowy, who both appear in “San Francisco Chronicles”

18: Age difference, in years, between profile subject Cindy McCain and her husband

1: Evidently unselfconscious reference to Gilligan’s Island, by Sally Singer in “From Here to Timbuktu...” (Quote: “It’s hard to imagine a more chic and gloriously Mrs. Thurston Howell III-like rebuff to e-mail messages than ‘Talk soon. In Timbuktu.’ This is precisely what I’m doing…”)

18: Photos of Sarah Jessica Parker in this issue, including the cover, the table of contents, Anna Wintour’s “Letter from the Editor,” a Garnier ad, “Rebel Romance,” and “Marry, Marry, Quite Contrary”

Lowest Common Denominator: Vogue, January

75: Number of “hot tips for 2008” promised on the cover

13: Number of photos of “plus-size” models appearing on a pull-out calendar inside the issue

Bucketloads: Amount GlaxoSmithKline must have paid for the calendar, which is an advertisement for weight-loss supplement Alli

Infinite: The disappointment that, other than the Shape Issue, this is the only time we’ll ever see models who even approximate average sizes in Vogue (And let’s be honest—it’s not as if the token appearance of two plus-size models in last year’s issue constitutes a valid attempt to portray a more diverse range of body types.)

$200,000: Amount given to the first-place winner for the CFDA/Vogue Fashion Fund, as explained by Anna Wintour

Endless: Measure of our wonder at the workings of  André Leon Talley’s mind, hence our decision to post his quote from the “Contributors” page despite the fact that no actual numbers are involved.  (Except, you know, dollars.)

What is your New Year’s fashion resolution?

“To order custom Charvet pique tennis shorts and silk kneesocks the color of clotted cream and Manolo Blahnik white suede brogues, for spectator sports at the U.S. Open.”

1: First-person essay about abortion, Lori Campbell’s “Private Lives”

1: Irksome photo accompanying the piece.  In it, the author poses with her daughter in the street, while wearing high-end clothes and towering heels.  Predictably, she is thin, white, and attractive.  Would Vogue have published this essay if its author weren’t so camera-ready? (Remind us some time to talk about this more.  The trend of photographing authors and magazine staffers—ahem, Lucky—only lends credence to the idea that you have to be conventionally beautiful to partake of fashion and/or work at a magazine.)

77 and 78: Pages on which this perception is furthered. Matilde Borromeo, the youngest daughter of an aristrocratic Italian family, is described by William Norwich as

...so chicly comported that you just assumed their first baby steps had to have been taken on the deck of some great yacht...Someone asked if she might linger in New York; surely a fashion house or magazine would be happy to employ her.

$250: Price of a pair of Stuart Weitzman heels that Ivanka Trump deems “not wildly expensive”

3: Number of weeks elapsed between model Natalia Vodianova giving birth and appearing in seven runway shows

0: Relevance this fact has to the story in which it appears, “Peerless”

10: Number of women on Vogue’s best-dressed list

5: Number of women on the list who are current or former models (Kathryn Neale, Astrid Munoz, Georgina Chapman, Kelly Wearstler, and Agyness Deyn)

$165: Price of a fedora worn by Kate Hudson’s four-year-old son, Ryder, in “Sunny Side Up!”

Lowest Common Denominator: InStyle, January

2: Number of pages devoted to Kate Hudson (“Her 10 best, ever!”)

4: Additional photos of Kate Hudson throughout the issue (pages 78, 112, 115, 149)

7, not counting writer Johanna Schneller: People who gush over Katie Holmes in “What Katie Wants” (The illustrious Kate Cruise Fan Club counts the following luminaries as members: Sherry Lansing, Giambattista Valli,  Diane Keaton, Giorgio Armani, Victoria Beckham, Callie Khouri, and Christopher Bailey of Burberry.)

29: Percentage of paragraphs in “What Katie Wants” in which Katie gushes about Tom Cruise or “being a wife”

Way, way too much: Amount Katie is trying to make her marriage appear sound

1: Ludicrous statement about femininity in “Figure Flattery.”  The collarbone is, according to InStyle, “arguably one of the most feminine parts of a woman’s body.” Wait, are they really claiming certain parts of a woman’s body are more feminine than others?  No word on which parts are, like, unacceptably gender-neutral.

1: Animal whose fur is suggested as a “problem solver” for upper arms in the same article (That’d be the rabbit, and there’s a shrug and a capelet crafted of its pelt.)

$54.80: Average price of the “positively affordable” items in “Deals & Steals,” which is—surprise!—actually affordable

3: Photos of Jennifer Garner in the same magenta Zac Posen dress (pages 75, 76, and 110). We love us some Sydney Bristow, and it’s a gorgeous dress, but three times?

1: Number of animate objects listed in “Designer Lust List” (Jenni Kayne says a French bulldog is a must-have.  Dogs, yes!  But pups as fashion accessories?   God, no.)

10: Steps involved in a “simple…approach to getting it right in the new year and beyond,” per “Beauty 2008: Your Master Plan”

Absolutely none: Amount of interest we have in developing a “master plan” involving a “signature scent”  and hair accessories.  Like we have nothing better to do?

42: Percent of ad pages in this issue which tout cosmetics, skincare, and haircare products

26: Words we read in the Vanessa Williams story.  They were: “Can a native New Yorker like Vanessa Williams find true bliss—and a really good soy chai latte—way out West?  You bet your sweet Buddha.”

Approximately a billion: Number of times we’ve seen the story about a New Yorker moving to L.A.  Doesn’t anyone east of the Mississippi realize that we do, in fact, have bagels on the West Coast?

Infinitely: Degree to which we were bored with this issue

Lowest Common Denominator: Marie Claire, December

0: Number of cosmetic procedures Nicole Kidman claims to have had in “Nicole Kidman Spills…”

0: Amount of credibility that statement holds when compared to the cover photo and this particularly jarring shot (Remember when she actually had pigment?)

$37,990: Price of the YSL Downtown Croc Tote, the most expensive item featured in “Shopping Deconstructed” (The article attempts to answer the burning question, “How can a bag cost more than med school?”  We get the how, but we’re still wondering about the why.)

4: Of the seven cars featured in “Primp My Ride,” the number that cost less than the YSL bag (Hence the reason we’re still working on the why.  A bag that costs more than a car?  Is that ever necessary?  Forty grand for a purse is just plain vulgar.)

$20,855: Value of the five ensembles worn by reader Sarah Annibale in “Fashion Boot Camp”

26.8: Percent of the average Marie Claire reader’s household income needed to purchase those same outfits (source: Marie Claire’s media kit, registration required)

$1,385: Retail price of a Versace gold clutch shown in “Clutchy-Feely,” page 64

$650: Price of an Orlane Paris cream containing pure gold extract, as shown in “Beauty Deconstructed”

$797.80: Price of one ounce of gold (source)

5: Pages devoted to the story “Step Away from the Chardonnay!” which is an ever-so-helpful guide to “choosing your booze”

9: Number of pages of Bacardi Rum advertising located immediately adjacent to the aforementioned story (an eight-page insert plus a full-page ad)

2: Pages of alcohol advertising placed elsewhere in the issue

101: Number of readers who appear in for “101 Dresses (on 101 Readers)”

26: Median age of readers depicted in “101 Dresses (on 101 Readers)”

37.1: Median age of Marie Claire readers (source)

$1,320: Average annual per capita income in Bhutan, where fashion spread “A Stitch in Time” was shot (source)

4: Number of items depicted priced greater than $1,320, not including a “price upon request” Maxmara dress

Lowest Common Denominator: Glamour, November

1: Celebrity slam on the cover (“Mariah’s new attitude: she’s smarter and saner—Britney, take notes!”  Oooh, burn.)

5: Musicians whose onstage facial expressions are analyzed as their “sex faces”

One million:  Approximate number of other magazines and websites where we’ve seen this exact same discussion (Related:  why is it always John Mayer in these stories?)

116: Page which contains the sentence “The pleats flatter too.”  What?   

118: Page on which Glamour advises, “Pleats add volume to your hip and belly area.  Our advice?  Just skip ‘em.”

6: Traits that “make a guy ask you out,” according to dating columnist Jake

10: Anecdotes about women being dumped in “You think you got dumped?”

$456: Average cost of rent, in dollars, for a young single woman (page 204)

1995: Last time our rent was anywhere near that low (No, really, where are these $456 rents?)

1: Pages devoted to an interview with former Pakistan prime minister Benazir Bhutto

7: Pages devoted to Mariah Carey’s home (including a full-page photo of Mariah with her mind-bogglingly vast collection of Hello Kitty paraphernalia)

21: Number of ads for fragrance in this issue

4: pages allotted to “One Spritz and You’re Sexy,” which is about—you guessed it—perfume

Lowest Common Denominator: Jane, June/July

287: Sum of numbers on the cover, not including page numbers, dates, or dollars (88, Summer ’07, and $100, respectively)

Non-zero: Chance that the blogger who wrote the “something bitchy” about Brandon Holley that she mentions in her “Editor’s Letter” is us.  We’ll never know for sure how many of us are sharing unflattering opinions of her online, will we?  Our story:  We wrote her a non-snarky letter (she did ask, after all) around the time we posted this.  She responded—to her credit, way, way faster than we ever answer email—and asked what it was we didn’t like about the magazine.  We wrote a lengthy, sincere (for us, anyway) response.  She said that Jane was different from other magazines, even if we didn’t think so, and she wished we weren’t so “mean” on this site.  We thanked her for her time.  End overly long personal anecdote.

2: Reader letters castigating Jane for putting Avril Lavigne on the April cover

2: Readers quoted in “Z: The Unstoppable Charm of Zooey Deschanel” suggesting Zooey for the cover

5:  Approximate number of times we hoped to never encounter managing editor Brekke Fletcher and friends in a movie theater while reading page 36.  Seriously, shouting smart-ass comments at the movie screen? 

1:  Absolutely apt quote about the minidress trend, from featured “Dress” stylist Tina Chai: “I like minis, but on some people they can be sort of vulgar—and tragic.”  Yep. 

Mercifully, just 2 we’ve spotted so far: Groaningly awful double entendres. From “The Extras” on page 46: “Nothing says ‘I’m into seamen’ like an anchor charm”; and from “Filthy Never Felt So Good,” page 80: “Scrub one out.”

4: Looks shown in “Don’t Fear…Ruffles,” page 52

4: Looks on that page that made us fear ruffles. It’s like 1987 all over again, only without the shoulder pads and the teased bangs.

Infinity plus:  Amount we dig “Cubicle Refugee.”  How about two pages next time, Jane?  We crave details!

109: Page on which we stopped reading the Zooey Deschanel article lest we overload on sheer preciousness.  The quote that slayed us?  “‘…I’m always looking for school uniforms, trying to squeeze into kids’ clothing,’ she says.  ‘It’s sort of a party trick, the way I can get myself into tiny dresses.’” Oh, fun!  At least we’ll always have Elf.  (As for the rest of the article, here’s what we missed.)

14: Words of the cult article on page 112 we’ve read.  We’re saving the rest of it—along with “It Happened to Me”—for a day when we think our life is rough.  Perspective!

46: Clothing and accessory pieces featured in “Basics, Only Cooler”

9: Number of those items priced under $100

5: L.A.-area women who surf included in “California Girls,” including pro Kassia Meador

1:  Article in another women’s magazine this month featuring Kassia Meador—Allure’s similarly themed “Going Coastal”

Lowest Common Denominator: Marie Claire, June

1: Cover credit given to Neutrogena for Rebecca Romijn’s makeup

0: Number of Neutrogena products apparent in the photo of makeup artist Fran Cooper working on Romijn (“Behind the Cover Shoot,” page 20)

3: Number of Neutrogena products recommended in “Sexy Summer Skin”

7.25: Number of advertising pages purchased by Neutrogena in this issue—including one immediately preceding “Sexy Summer Skin” and two more interspersed in the same feature

$1,532: Largest “Splurge vs. Steal” price differential

$85: Smallest “Splurge vs. Steal” price differential

$9.95: price of a K-Mart floral housecoat suggested as “a cool summer dress”

1: Movie declared “antifeminist” (Knocked Up)

1: Movie called “feminist” (Gracie)

8: Women other than Rebecca Romijn Marie Claire suggests could play male-to-female transsexuals

4: Celebs cited for “prominent” noses

4: Plugs for “The Masthead with Marie Claire” podcast

2: Stories about foreign women (profile of the commander of U.N. peacekeeping forces in Liberia; the Turkish honor killings)

3: Stories about American non-celebs (a woman’s essay about her nose; a profile of fugitive Sara Jane Olson’s family; another essay about a married couple who’ve each been married twice before)

24: Pages featuring photographs of actors or musicians, not including the cover or advertisements, and not including models

119: Pages of advertisements, including foldouts and the back cover