Glossed Over

Lowest Common Denominator: Vogue, January

75: Number of “hot tips for 2008” promised on the cover

13: Number of photos of “plus-size” models appearing on a pull-out calendar inside the issue

Bucketloads: Amount GlaxoSmithKline must have paid for the calendar, which is an advertisement for weight-loss supplement Alli

Infinite: The disappointment that, other than the Shape Issue, this is the only time we’ll ever see models who even approximate average sizes in Vogue (And let’s be honest—it’s not as if the token appearance of two plus-size models in last year’s issue constitutes a valid attempt to portray a more diverse range of body types.)

$200,000: Amount given to the first-place winner for the CFDA/Vogue Fashion Fund, as explained by Anna Wintour

Endless: Measure of our wonder at the workings of  André Leon Talley’s mind, hence our decision to post his quote from the “Contributors” page despite the fact that no actual numbers are involved.  (Except, you know, dollars.)

What is your New Year’s fashion resolution?

“To order custom Charvet pique tennis shorts and silk kneesocks the color of clotted cream and Manolo Blahnik white suede brogues, for spectator sports at the U.S. Open.”

1: First-person essay about abortion, Lori Campbell’s “Private Lives”

1: Irksome photo accompanying the piece.  In it, the author poses with her daughter in the street, while wearing high-end clothes and towering heels.  Predictably, she is thin, white, and attractive.  Would Vogue have published this essay if its author weren’t so camera-ready? (Remind us some time to talk about this more.  The trend of photographing authors and magazine staffers—ahem, Lucky—only lends credence to the idea that you have to be conventionally beautiful to partake of fashion and/or work at a magazine.)

77 and 78: Pages on which this perception is furthered. Matilde Borromeo, the youngest daughter of an aristrocratic Italian family, is described by William Norwich as

...so chicly comported that you just assumed their first baby steps had to have been taken on the deck of some great yacht...Someone asked if she might linger in New York; surely a fashion house or magazine would be happy to employ her.

$250: Price of a pair of Stuart Weitzman heels that Ivanka Trump deems “not wildly expensive”

3: Number of weeks elapsed between model Natalia Vodianova giving birth and appearing in seven runway shows

0: Relevance this fact has to the story in which it appears, “Peerless”

10: Number of women on Vogue’s best-dressed list

5: Number of women on the list who are current or former models (Kathryn Neale, Astrid Munoz, Georgina Chapman, Kelly Wearstler, and Agyness Deyn)

$165: Price of a fedora worn by Kate Hudson’s four-year-old son, Ryder, in “Sunny Side Up!”

Lowest Common Denominator: InStyle, January

2: Number of pages devoted to Kate Hudson (“Her 10 best, ever!”)

4: Additional photos of Kate Hudson throughout the issue (pages 78, 112, 115, 149)

7, not counting writer Johanna Schneller: People who gush over Katie Holmes in “What Katie Wants” (The illustrious Kate Cruise Fan Club counts the following luminaries as members: Sherry Lansing, Giambattista Valli,  Diane Keaton, Giorgio Armani, Victoria Beckham, Callie Khouri, and Christopher Bailey of Burberry.)

29: Percentage of paragraphs in “What Katie Wants” in which Katie gushes about Tom Cruise or “being a wife”

Way, way too much: Amount Katie is trying to make her marriage appear sound

1: Ludicrous statement about femininity in “Figure Flattery.”  The collarbone is, according to InStyle, “arguably one of the most feminine parts of a woman’s body.” Wait, are they really claiming certain parts of a woman’s body are more feminine than others?  No word on which parts are, like, unacceptably gender-neutral.

1: Animal whose fur is suggested as a “problem solver” for upper arms in the same article (That’d be the rabbit, and there’s a shrug and a capelet crafted of its pelt.)

$54.80: Average price of the “positively affordable” items in “Deals & Steals,” which is—surprise!—actually affordable

3: Photos of Jennifer Garner in the same magenta Zac Posen dress (pages 75, 76, and 110). We love us some Sydney Bristow, and it’s a gorgeous dress, but three times?

1: Number of animate objects listed in “Designer Lust List” (Jenni Kayne says a French bulldog is a must-have.  Dogs, yes!  But pups as fashion accessories?   God, no.)

10: Steps involved in a “simple…approach to getting it right in the new year and beyond,” per “Beauty 2008: Your Master Plan”

Absolutely none: Amount of interest we have in developing a “master plan” involving a “signature scent”  and hair accessories.  Like we have nothing better to do?

42: Percent of ad pages in this issue which tout cosmetics, skincare, and haircare products

26: Words we read in the Vanessa Williams story.  They were: “Can a native New Yorker like Vanessa Williams find true bliss—and a really good soy chai latte—way out West?  You bet your sweet Buddha.”

Approximately a billion: Number of times we’ve seen the story about a New Yorker moving to L.A.  Doesn’t anyone east of the Mississippi realize that we do, in fact, have bagels on the West Coast?

Infinitely: Degree to which we were bored with this issue

Lowest Common Denominator: Marie Claire, December

0: Number of cosmetic procedures Nicole Kidman claims to have had in “Nicole Kidman Spills…”

0: Amount of credibility that statement holds when compared to the cover photo and this particularly jarring shot (Remember when she actually had pigment?)

$37,990: Price of the YSL Downtown Croc Tote, the most expensive item featured in “Shopping Deconstructed” (The article attempts to answer the burning question, “How can a bag cost more than med school?”  We get the how, but we’re still wondering about the why.)

4: Of the seven cars featured in “Primp My Ride,” the number that cost less than the YSL bag (Hence the reason we’re still working on the why.  A bag that costs more than a car?  Is that ever necessary?  Forty grand for a purse is just plain vulgar.)

$20,855: Value of the five ensembles worn by reader Sarah Annibale in “Fashion Boot Camp”

26.8: Percent of the average Marie Claire reader’s household income needed to purchase those same outfits (source: Marie Claire’s media kit, registration required)

$1,385: Retail price of a Versace gold clutch shown in “Clutchy-Feely,” page 64

$650: Price of an Orlane Paris cream containing pure gold extract, as shown in “Beauty Deconstructed”

$797.80: Price of one ounce of gold (source)

5: Pages devoted to the story “Step Away from the Chardonnay!” which is an ever-so-helpful guide to “choosing your booze”

9: Number of pages of Bacardi Rum advertising located immediately adjacent to the aforementioned story (an eight-page insert plus a full-page ad)

2: Pages of alcohol advertising placed elsewhere in the issue

101: Number of readers who appear in for “101 Dresses (on 101 Readers)”

26: Median age of readers depicted in “101 Dresses (on 101 Readers)”

37.1: Median age of Marie Claire readers (source)

$1,320: Average annual per capita income in Bhutan, where fashion spread “A Stitch in Time” was shot (source)

4: Number of items depicted priced greater than $1,320, not including a “price upon request” Maxmara dress

Lowest Common Denominator: Glamour, November

1: Celebrity slam on the cover (“Mariah’s new attitude: she’s smarter and saner—Britney, take notes!”  Oooh, burn.)

5: Musicians whose onstage facial expressions are analyzed as their “sex faces”

One million:  Approximate number of other magazines and websites where we’ve seen this exact same discussion (Related:  why is it always John Mayer in these stories?)

116: Page which contains the sentence “The pleats flatter too.”  What?   

118: Page on which Glamour advises, “Pleats add volume to your hip and belly area.  Our advice?  Just skip ‘em.”

6: Traits that “make a guy ask you out,” according to dating columnist Jake

10: Anecdotes about women being dumped in “You think you got dumped?”

$456: Average cost of rent, in dollars, for a young single woman (page 204)

1995: Last time our rent was anywhere near that low (No, really, where are these $456 rents?)

1: Pages devoted to an interview with former Pakistan prime minister Benazir Bhutto

7: Pages devoted to Mariah Carey’s home (including a full-page photo of Mariah with her mind-bogglingly vast collection of Hello Kitty paraphernalia)

21: Number of ads for fragrance in this issue

4: pages allotted to “One Spritz and You’re Sexy,” which is about—you guessed it—perfume

Lowest Common Denominator: Jane, June/July

287: Sum of numbers on the cover, not including page numbers, dates, or dollars (88, Summer ’07, and $100, respectively)

Non-zero: Chance that the blogger who wrote the “something bitchy” about Brandon Holley that she mentions in her “Editor’s Letter” is us.  We’ll never know for sure how many of us are sharing unflattering opinions of her online, will we?  Our story:  We wrote her a non-snarky letter (she did ask, after all) around the time we posted this.  She responded—to her credit, way, way faster than we ever answer email—and asked what it was we didn’t like about the magazine.  We wrote a lengthy, sincere (for us, anyway) response.  She said that Jane was different from other magazines, even if we didn’t think so, and she wished we weren’t so “mean” on this site.  We thanked her for her time.  End overly long personal anecdote.

2: Reader letters castigating Jane for putting Avril Lavigne on the April cover

2: Readers quoted in “Z: The Unstoppable Charm of Zooey Deschanel” suggesting Zooey for the cover

5:  Approximate number of times we hoped to never encounter managing editor Brekke Fletcher and friends in a movie theater while reading page 36.  Seriously, shouting smart-ass comments at the movie screen? 

1:  Absolutely apt quote about the minidress trend, from featured “Dress” stylist Tina Chai: “I like minis, but on some people they can be sort of vulgar—and tragic.”  Yep. 

Mercifully, just 2 we’ve spotted so far: Groaningly awful double entendres. From “The Extras” on page 46: “Nothing says ‘I’m into seamen’ like an anchor charm”; and from “Filthy Never Felt So Good,” page 80: “Scrub one out.”

4: Looks shown in “Don’t Fear…Ruffles,” page 52

4: Looks on that page that made us fear ruffles. It’s like 1987 all over again, only without the shoulder pads and the teased bangs.

Infinity plus:  Amount we dig “Cubicle Refugee.”  How about two pages next time, Jane?  We crave details!

109: Page on which we stopped reading the Zooey Deschanel article lest we overload on sheer preciousness.  The quote that slayed us?  “‘…I’m always looking for school uniforms, trying to squeeze into kids’ clothing,’ she says.  ‘It’s sort of a party trick, the way I can get myself into tiny dresses.’” Oh, fun!  At least we’ll always have Elf.  (As for the rest of the article, here’s what we missed.)

14: Words of the cult article on page 112 we’ve read.  We’re saving the rest of it—along with “It Happened to Me”—for a day when we think our life is rough.  Perspective!

46: Clothing and accessory pieces featured in “Basics, Only Cooler”

9: Number of those items priced under $100

5: L.A.-area women who surf included in “California Girls,” including pro Kassia Meador

1:  Article in another women’s magazine this month featuring Kassia Meador—Allure’s similarly themed “Going Coastal”

Lowest Common Denominator: Marie Claire, June

1: Cover credit given to Neutrogena for Rebecca Romijn’s makeup

0: Number of Neutrogena products apparent in the photo of makeup artist Fran Cooper working on Romijn (“Behind the Cover Shoot,” page 20)

3: Number of Neutrogena products recommended in “Sexy Summer Skin”

7.25: Number of advertising pages purchased by Neutrogena in this issue—including one immediately preceding “Sexy Summer Skin” and two more interspersed in the same feature

$1,532: Largest “Splurge vs. Steal” price differential

$85: Smallest “Splurge vs. Steal” price differential

$9.95: price of a K-Mart floral housecoat suggested as “a cool summer dress”

1: Movie declared “antifeminist” (Knocked Up)

1: Movie called “feminist” (Gracie)

8: Women other than Rebecca Romijn Marie Claire suggests could play male-to-female transsexuals

4: Celebs cited for “prominent” noses

4: Plugs for “The Masthead with Marie Claire” podcast

2: Stories about foreign women (profile of the commander of U.N. peacekeeping forces in Liberia; the Turkish honor killings)

3: Stories about American non-celebs (a woman’s essay about her nose; a profile of fugitive Sara Jane Olson’s family; another essay about a married couple who’ve each been married twice before)

24: Pages featuring photographs of actors or musicians, not including the cover or advertisements, and not including models

119: Pages of advertisements, including foldouts and the back cover

Lowest Common Denominator: Elle, May--The Green Issue

3: Number of plus signs on the cover

Just 1, surprisingly: Number of eyebrow-raising suggestions in Anne Slowey’s “Fashion Know-It-All” (“…Palm Springs has the cleanest sidewalks I’ve ever seen, why not be a little risqué and…sport perfectly manicured bare feet?”  Because dirt on the sidewalk is the main reason not to go barefoot, apparently.)

$2,660: Price of Louis Vuitton’s “take on the Mexican shopping bag”

2: Number of Girl Scout uniforms donned by writer Susan Cernek (Though we have questions about how a grown woman managed to fit into a skort reportedly intended for an eight-year-old.  Also why anyone thinks teal knee socks are a good thing in a uniform.)

4: Number of cars advertised in this issue

2: Number of advertised cars that are hybrids

1: Number of movie reviews titled with the name of another current film (The Waitress review is titled “In the Land of Women.”)

2: Mentions of a January day in New York where the temperature reached 72 degrees

1: Mention of Erin Brockovich in an article called “The Return of Erin Brockovich” (In fact, it’s a story about Julia Roberts.)

1: Ad for “natural” American Spirit cigarettes

8: Celebrities profiled as environmental activists of some sort (Laurie David, Sheryl Crow, Kerry Washington, Shalom Harlow, Orlando Bloom, Julia Roberts, Amber Valletta, Angela Lindvall)

25: Pages devoted to those eight

21: Total of mostly non-famous honorees in “The Green Awards”

4: Pages devoted to the awards article

Lowest Common Denominator: Vogue, April

4: Number of body types to “embrace” on the cover (towering, tiny, thin, or top heavy)

10: Number of pages between Scarlett Johansson on the cover and Scarlett Johansson in a Louis Vuitton ad

3: Number of Louis Vuitton items André Leon Talley requires to play tennis, according to “Contributors” on page 128 (gym bags, racket covers, and mufflers)

0: Mentions of Louis Vuitton in “Scarlett Letters,” a profile of Johansson

0: Amount Johansson claims to exercise

More than 0: Amount plus-size model Ashley Graham exercises (“I’m firm...Nothing jiggly.  I have a trainer I work with.”)

$315: Price of a Martin Margiela bodysuit with built-in shoulder pads

1: Number of models referring to her own shoulders as too large, saying she looks “like a football player” (Paulina Porizkova, who previously whined about her looks in Marie Claire)

4: Clothing size worn by model Hilary Rhoda, as stated in “Be A Sport”

12: Size worn by model Crystal Renn, reported in the same editorial

8: Number of pages featuring Hilary in “Be a Sport”

5: Number of pages devoted to Crystal in the same feature

At least 1: Opinions conveyed as fact (“It’s a fact: Clothes look better on a thin person,” in “Walking a Thin Line”)

At least 1: Completely erroneous details reported as fact in the same story (Apparently, Live Journal is “one of the most popular fashion blogs.”)

Lowest Common Denominator: Cosmopolitan, April

99: Number of “sex facts you’ve never heard before” promised on the cover

4: Secrets spilled by readers in Kate White’s “From the Editor”

1: Number of those secrets actually worth keeping quiet (Checking your pores in a mirror?  No one cares.  Logging into your boyfriend’s MySpace?  Yeah, don’t announce that to the world.)

5: Number of “Things You Didn’t Know About Eva (Longoria)…Until Now”

10: Number of “Life Lessons We’ve Learned from Gabrielle” (Longoria’s Desperate Housewives character)

4: Number of “Compliments She’ll Love” recommended to men

0: Amount a woman will be impressed when she realizes that sweet compliment came straight from the pages of Cosmo

3: Number of celebrities pictured in “What Hollywood Is Wearing,” featuring stylist Rachel Zoe

3: Number of celebrities on that page who are Zoe’s clients (Mischa Barton, Jennifer Garner, and Cameron Diaz)

2: Number of factors that determine whether a man will be violent, according to “The Dangerous Mistake Gutsy Women Make” (“It’s all about reputation and reproduction,” says the article.)

15: Number of ideas touted as “fresh (and genius)” uses for a camera phone

13.5: Number of ideas actually printed (Where’s the remainder of #12?  And the entirety of #15?)

1: Number of “Why Don’t You…” ideas that constitutes common sense (“Why don’t you…be nice to your waiter,” says Cosmo.  Yes, it’s a good idea to be kind to anyone handling your food.  Are there really so many brutish readers who need to be told otherwise?)

75: Approximate percent of the confessions in “What He Does When You’re Not Around” we wish we hadn’t read.  A loofah to scrub the tub? Photocopying a diary for later reference?  And those are the tamer admissions!  We hereby retract our complaint that Glamour’s compendium of male revelations was far too mild.

Bonus: We’d like to point out a veritable milestone: the most laughable phrase ever to be printed in Cosmopolitan (which is saying a lot) occurs on page 260.  Ready?  It’s “ta-ta swelter.”  Oof!  It’s so groaningly awful that it’s almost poetic. 

Lowest Common Denominator: Bazaar, March

0: On a scale of 1-10, amount of interest Katie Holmes (er, Kate Cruise?) appears to have in being on the cover.  Is it just us, or does this woman look dreadfully unhappy?

968: Number of “new looks to flatter you” touted on the cover

Perhaps 2: Number of these looks that are remotely wearable or flattering.  Go ahead, we dare you to try the high-waisted Prada hot pants on page 360.  Or the dress made of Plexiglass and Swarovski crystals—this is not a joke!—on page 379.

64: Number of pages of advertising (including the inside front cover and two Bazaar promotions) before the first page of editorial, Glenda Bailey’s “Editor’s Letter”

$325: Price of Chanel bangle that Bazaar staff plans to “stock up on”

1 each: Mentions of Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, Speaker Nancy Pelosi, and German Chancellor Angela Merkel

2: Number of mentions of Kate Middleton, Prince William’s girlfriend

4: Pages devoted to Sarah Ferguson, Duchess of York

4: Pages devoted to Judith Giuliani, Rudy Giuliani’s wife

1: Number of models balanced on a giant white wrecking ball

16: Number of contractions in “What Katie Did Next” attributed to Katie Holmes.  Sample stiff contraction-free quote: “I am a runner.  I have always loved to run, and it has now helped me lose the extra baby weight.”

1: Past issues of Bazaar which appear in this issue.  The December issue sits on Donatella Versace’s coffee table in the photo on page 457.

Lowest Common Denominator: InStyle, February

1: Number of times the word “hottie” appears on the cover

2: Number of photographs of Hilary Swank in this issue that aren’t part of her cover story

$99: Price of the most expensive of the “Frugal Finds for Under $100”

3: Number of plays on the already-annoying nickname McDreamy in “Man of Style: Patrick Dempsey” (McDaddy, McSomething, McGeeky)

17: Number of actresses revealing their teenage crushes on male celebrities

0: Number of actors revealing their  crushes on female celebrities

8: Number of celebrity nuptials declared “Weddings of the Year”

1: Number of former couples whose marriage to a new spouse was included (Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman)

3: Number of items mentioned as necessary to transform America Ferrera into the titular character on Ugly Betty (wig, eyebrow extensions, braces)

8: Number of items found “Inside America Ferrera’s Makeup Bag”

5: Number of pages devoted to “Eat Right, Look Great,” explaining how nutrition and supplements can improve the look of skin and hair

18: Number of pages in the beauty section featuring skin and hair products and makeup

1: Number of truly questionable Valentine’s Day presents in “More Great Gifts…” (InStyle suggests a red-and-pink doormat—is a doormat really the right implication for a Valentine’s Day gift?)

Lowest Common Denominator: Self, January

250: Number of “ways to make your life better” promised on the cover

11: Number of babies born to Self staffers in 2006

$25: Price of a hand scrub containing Himalayan sea salts

$23: Monthly per capita income in Nepal (source)

47: Percent of men who prefer natural lips to lipstick, as reported in “Beauty Flash”

1: Number of lipsticks or glosses featured in this issue

0: Number of lipsticks or glosses advertised in this issue

1: Number of utterly appalling ads for jewelry (Silpada Jewelry’s “I found it’s nice being noticed for something other than my intelligence.”  Good, we guess, because that statement certainly doesn’t display any intelligence.)

31: Number of days required to achieve “your best body” when you follow Self’s “The Easiest Diet Ever”

12: Number of weeks to fit into your favorite jeans when you follow the Slim-Fast plan, advertised right next to “The Easiest Diet Ever”

7: Number of celebrities under 30 whose photographs appear in this issue (Natasha Bedingfield, 25; Selita Ebanks, 23; Olivia Wilde, 22; Sarah Michelle Gellar, 29; Marla Sokoloff, 26; Shakira, 29; Jessica Biel, 24)

4: Number of celebrities over 30 whose photographs appear in this issue (Mariska Hargitay, 43; Diane Lane, 41; Gwen Stefani, 37; Elle Macpherson, 42)

7: Number of Self staffers whose photographs appear in this issue

Lowest Common Denominator: Allure, January

In our continuing quest to keep ourselves amused (because fashion magazines aren’t always compelling when you read a dozen iterations of the same theme every single month) we introduce Lowest Common Denominator, wherein we count, do math, and determine what does—and doesn’t—add up.  (Ha!)  The first recipient of our numerical treatment?  January’s Allure.

1: Number of activists/erstwhile presidential candidates whose name is misspelled in this issue (Ralph Nader)

3: Number of mentions of Naomi Watts doffing her clothes for the magazine’s photo shoot 

0: Inches of R-rated skin actually shown in the much-ballyhooed photos

2: Number of “Lust/Must” pairs made totally useless because their price difference was a mere $20

6: Pairs of shoes with Lucite heels declared “no longer just for strippers”

$792: Average price of a pair of shoes “no longer just for strippers”

$127: Average price of a cut from a stylist featured in “Directory: Running With Scissors”

$120: Average price of services received by Allure staffers in “Makeover Challenge”

1: Number of former American Idol contestants appearing in the magazine

1: Number of articles mentioning Raquel Welch’s new M.A.C. cosmetics collection

1: Number of articles in 2006 featuring another legendary star’s M.A.C. collection (Catherine Deneuve’s “French Lessons,” February 2006), leading us to believe this feature will be an annual collusion with M.A.C.

18: Number of celebs interviewed by Jeffrey Slonim (some at a M.A.C. event, interestingly enough) for “Private Eye”

2: Number of famous people who couldn’t be bothered to remove their sunglasses for their “Private Eye” photos (Michael Kors and Kanye West)