Glossed Over

Lowest Common Denominator: Glamour, July

3: Number of consecutive Glamour covers featuring blonde reality stars: Lauren Conrad, Carrie Underwood, and now Julianne Hough, who miraculously survived the glitter factory explosion depicted on the cover. 

Less than zero: Likelihood that I will ever use Glamour's Word of the Month, "frizzle," because using it would take more explanation than simply saying "There's just enough precipitation to make my hair frizz" and it'd require the admission that I take Glamour's suggestions seriously.

27: Page on which Avengers star Cobie Smulders propagates some gender-essentialist bullshit, saying you talk about your period and "where we are in life" with women, and talk about movies with men. Movies like, oh, Avengers? Which had a 40 percent female audience?

4: Nearly naked aspiring Olympic swimmers pictured in this issue. Do what you will with that information.

Amounts so vast even Neil deGrasse Tyson couldn't quantify them: How much I hate the skirt-over-dress look that Glamour incessantly includes in "The Month in Outfits." Isn't the whole point of a dress that you don't need to wear more clothes with it?

Not a single one: Fucks given about Taylor Tomasi Hill at Glamour HQ, apparently. They actually wrote "Google her" in the subhead for "‘What Inspires Me,' by Taylor Tomasi Hill." Seriously? You can't just tell me why you put her in the magazine?

0.2 percent: Likelihood that any tweet tagged with the Glamour-invented hashtag "#prettygirlproblems" is, in fact, a problem. Young women of America, please don't lie awake nights because you're a "brow newbie."

SPECIAL COMMENTARY ON GLAMOUR'S TOPIC OF THE MONTH, ORAL SEX

27: Percent of men surveyed by Glamour who "would rather get a blow job tonight than a raise at work."

27: Percent of men surveyed by Glamour who need to learn to play the long game.

20: Age of a man quoted as saying "I know a lot of guys who are pretty proud of going down on a woman."

Infinite: My joy that I will never again have to date 20-year-old men. #smugmarried

END SPECIAL COMMENTARY ON GLAMOUR'S TOPIC OF THE MONTH, ORAL SEX

Zero, no wait, one: Words I can bring myself to write about the profile of Julianne Hough. And the word is dullsville. I suspect the interview was actually conducted with Hough's publicist.

102: Page on which Glamour declares "Yep, He [Channing Tatum] Was a Stripper"

115, or equivalent to a sandblaster: Approximate decibel level at which I yelled, YES I KNOW I DON'T LIVE IN A CAVE I'VE READ THAT 327 TIMES IN THE LAST THREE WEEKS. 

+100: Serious, sincere bonus points to Glamour for using a real-sized woman in "Feel-Good Allover Beauty" and not even once patting themselves on the back for being so inclusive. More like this, please.

7th: Item in a list of "Eleven Things You Can Only Get Away With in Summer" wherein Glamour advises "Shimmer. Everywhere." Well, that explains the cover.

Lowest Common Denominator: Lucky, September

981: According to the cover, the number of “ways to look amazing this season”

Gazillions: Approximate number of words in this issue. For better or worse (and, in the case of the never-ending article about drunk shopping, it’s definitely worse), there is now actual text in this magazine.

24: Items retailing for less than $50 featured in “Classic Pieces for Every Day”

116: Page on which Jessica Alba’s “Post-Baby Shape-Up Plan” appears, almost entirely devoid of context. I know Lucky is new to this whole writing-complete-sentences-and-forming-paragraphs thing, but they couldn’t follow up on Alba’s statement that she drinks a lot of water because she’s “starving”?

$60: As listed in “City Guide,” the price of a “Carrie Bradshaw-style pink tutu” sold by a store in Los Angeles, like a “Carrie Bradshaw-style” anything is a good thing.

$375: Price of a satchel that is, according to “How To: Wear Color,” the “easiest way to add a shot of color.” 

Zero: Explanation of how “easy” it is to spend $375 on a neon bag.

1, apparently: Words left out of the headline “Dress Like a French Girl. No, Really, a Real French Girl.” That word? “Wealthy,” unless it’s being French that somehow enables one to purchase a $550 dress and an $860 jacket. In which case, vive la France!

$250: Price of a cat-ear hood that Lucky suggests wearing “with a dose of irony, for the downtown hipster.” Behold the amazingly awkward exchange that ensued when I tweeted @LuckyMagazine about this ridiculous headgear! Veronica, aka @duncandesign, joined in to keep the conversation on track.

3: “Stylish New Yorkers” plucked from “the sidewalks of Soho” to model fall fashions in “Style on the Street.”

100: Percent of those random New Yorkers who are conventionally slim and pretty! Surprise!

Not 2: According to Jean Godfrey-June, the number of people permitted in the dressing rooms at Gilly & Hicks, Abercrombie & Fitch’s lingerie store. She says:

(You can’t both go in [the dressing room]; the surroundings are so...provocative...that liaisons are rumored to have occurred in the dressing rooms, hence, a ban.)

Infinitely: How weird it is that Godfrey-June would mention this, considering that in the story she’s shopping with her daughter.

2: Cover lines on the issue of Lucky Kids stuck inside the back cover that are uncomfortably reminiscent of the controversy over 10-year-old model Thylane Blondeau: “Dresses So Pretty You’ll Wish They Came in Your Size” and “I Want My Kid’s Hair Color!” (Related reading: this article about fashion brands using child models to normalize eating disorders.)

0: Interest I had in pulling Lucky Kids out of the magazine--until I needed something to shield my laptop with during a sudden downpour. 

Lowest Common Denominator: Glamour, May

26, 22, 24: Ages of the actresses appearing on Glamour’s multiple May covers (Freida Pinto, Emma Stone, and Ashley Greene, respectively)

39, 40: Ages of Amy Poehler, who’s profiled on page 214, and Tina Fey, whose book is all-too-briefly excerpted on page 72

8: Women in swimsuits depicted on page 32 as the epitome of “total confidence we all envy”

50: Percent of those women who are professional actors or athletes

$45: Price of a dress from Express suggested for its similarity to the D&G dress Stone wore on her cover

$1,395: Price of Stone’s actual cover dress

2: Letters published complaining that size 12-14 model Robyn Lawley, whose photo accompanied March’s “97% of Women Will Be Cruel to Their Bodies Today,” was too “perfect”

Zip: Amount of acknowledgement from Glamour about the same readers’ pleas to include all shapes and sizes in their photos (though they did interview Lawley about the readers’ criticism, as if that’s Lawley’s fault)

98: Page on which Glamour recommends a $132 t-shirt screenprinted with a cat’s face 

5: Tricks cited in “What Helps Reese [Witherspoon] Look Like Reese”

0: Mentions of genetics in “What Helps Reese Look Like Reese”

10: Items writer Josh Aiello’s girlfriend carries in her purse, according to “Inside Her Bag: The Final Frontier”

8: Number of times Aiello busts out a girls-are-so-strange stereotype in his commentary. Women carry a lot of stuff! How do they find things in their bags? “I have hands. Do they need cream?” he asks about a tube of L’Occitane lotion. The aneursym-inducing conundrum of differentiating between lip balm and lipstick, he says, “boggles the male mind.” Sheesh.

$20: The “highly affordable” fee for a lap dance, according to “What’s Up with the Stripper Thing?”

None: Despite the claim on the cover and the NSFW tag on the article, actual photos of naked man parts in “The Ultimate Guide to His Man Parts” (There are two models with bare buttocks, but that’s hardly what Glamour’s trying to imply by boasting “with pictures!” on the cover.)

2: Couples who got engaged after the woman cooked “Engagement Chicken,” according to “7 Dishes to Get You Everything You Want in Life”

Thousands: Approximate number of Google users searching for the term “engagement chicken” who've landed on this blog since I first posted about it in 2006. Is my shameless ploy for Google traffic better or worse than believing that a chicken dish can compel a man to propose? You decide!

Lowest Common Denominator: Cosmopolitan, February

6: Minutes per day needed to “score a slammin’ bod,” according to the cover

Infinite: The disingenuousness of a Cover Girl ad suggesting readers “go for beauty on your own terms” by eschewing department-store cosmetics for the Cover Girl brand. Thanks, Cover Girl, for telling me what my own terms are! Apparently my terms involve buying slightly less expensive stuff I don’t need.

25: Cosmopolitan’s “magic age” for getting married, as cited on page 36

100: In “Beauty: His Picks,” number of men surveyed about whether nail decals are “fun and flirty” or “too over-the-top”

Apparently zero: Number of women surveyed for the same article about whether they care what 100 random men think of their fingernails

1950s: Decade whose gender stereotypes Cosmo rejects in “Are You Turning Your Boyfriend Into a Girlie Man?”—right before suggesting steak and football are inherently masculine and salad, Cat Power, and French movies are inextricably feminine.

101: Page of the aforementioned article that made my head explode. The culprit phrase? “Do more gender-neutral activities with your man (see our “Manly Date Ideas,” at right)…” Since when does “gender-neutral” default to “manly”?

1: Appallingly evocative reference to an erect penis as a “giant breakfast sausage” on page 105. Sorry, I couldn’t let that one pass!

9: Of the thirteen men Cosmo’s crowned its “Fun Fearless Males 2010,” the number who are actors (The other four are a musician, an athlete, a TV producer, and Dr. Oz.)

“Almost 200” and “up to 300”: The supposedly shocking calorie counts in bottled teas and wrap sandwiches, according to “These Healthy Foods Can Make You Fat”

Endless: Stories in this issue devoted to pleasing men sexually (“4 Traits Men Find Irresistible,” “99 Hot New Sex Tips...In 20 Words or Less,” “Tap In to Your Seductive Powers,” “The One Time He Always Wants You”)

4 apiece: Pages devoted to articles about fertility and inter-racial couples

3: Pages devoted to a story about the decline of the thong

2: Pages dedicated to police officer Ally Jacobs, whose investigative work led to the arrest of Jaycee Dugard's captor

Huge: My—and, I’m sure, your—relief at learning one needn’t get a job at Cosmopolitan to achieve the same success with men that its staffers enjoy, because the magazine found 13 of them to give us the inside scoop. Lessons offered by current and former magazine staffers in “Engaged at Cosmo!” include these gems: cook his favorite dishes, avoid discussing marriage, don’t freak out when he plays Guitar Hero (like someone would?), and always wear the latest nail polish.

Zip: Actual eroticism in this month’s edition of “Red Hot Reads,” as exemplified by this decidedly unsexy sentence: “It felt so good that coherent thought was behind her, but she did realize it had never been like this with any other man before.”

Lowest Common Denominator: Lucky, October

1: Estimated number of photos shot of Kristen Bell for the cover. Why would they use this awkward-looking one if they had any others?

10: Days’ worth of foundation Estee Lauder will supply for free, according to their ad, which also notes that the makeup must be “right for the way you live”

Under 20: Approximate number of remaining celebrities without their own fragrance collections now that Kat Von D has one (advertised on page 56)

$2,495: Price of a Chanel bag featured in “Lucky Editors Answer: What’s your no-apologies splurge?” Also, note how Lucky makes it sound like buying a Chanel purse is an act of self-empowerment. Because you need a designer bag to fulfill your potential as a human being!

80: Page on which editor Jenny Kang describes the “corpse bride” as her fashion inspiration in “What I Want Now”

All of them: Individual hairs on my head I will remove in frustration if a fashion magazine glamorizes death one more time

$79, $50, and $30: The actually affordable price tags of the jeans Lucky calls “affordable” on page 92

100: Page which recommends a $23 skort from Land’s End

6,731: Since reading that, instances I've wondered whether we're really doing skorts again, and if so, WHY?

4,529,023: Including the one on page 132, estimated number of mentions on Cover Girl’s Outlast lipstain pen in women’s magazines in the last few months

2: Number of Cover Girl lipstains I’ve purchased in those same months

“Lots”: According to photographer Mario Testino, the amount of “very good sex” model Carmen Kass has enjoyed. Jean Godfrey-June reports that Testino reportedly described Kass to Michael Kors by saying, “Zees leg…you only get a leg like zees by having lots of very good sex.”

3: Products required to create the “disheveled ponytail” in “Hair Styles We Love Now”

$575: Price of a purse Lucky describes as “so rich” on page 160

Not a single bit: Discretion about advertorial displayed by placing an ad for the YSL fragrance Parisienne in the middle of a spread about Parisian style. Subtle!

Lowest Common Denominator: Glamour, September

3: Number of exclamation points in the coverline touting the Jessica Simpson story

$13,000: Value of “stuff you want” that Glamour is giving away, per page 64

1: Number of days editor-in-chief Cindi Leive’s assistant spent dressed as Lady Gaga for the “Dare of the Month”

3.5: Time, in minutes, before most women would be sent home from the office if they showed up in fishnets and a leotard

So, so much: Amount I covet the Hugo Boss bag in the ad following page 78

12: Size clothing worn by model Crystal Renn, whose book, Hungry, is reviewed in “Do Get the Season’s Stylish Reads Here,” complete with an excerpt of a “moment we love”

Perhaps 1: Number of size-12 models photographed by Glamour for this issue (keep reading)

2009: Year in which Glamour apparently thinks red lipstick was invented, given their extravagant praise of the stuff on page 89

3: Pages of lipstick ads surrounding the aforementioned feature (1 immediately before and 2 right after)

Nil: Value of the advice given by Domenico Dolce and Stefano Gabbana to “play up your prettiest parts.” Really? I shouldn’t highlight my worst features?

100: Page on which Faith Hill recommends Coldplay. You know, they’re that obscure new band you might otherwise have never heard of?

100: Coincidentally, also the page on which I lost my patience with mega-rich celebrities sharing their “knowledge.” See also: why I don’t subject myself to GOOP

50: Percent of men surveyed by Glamour who told the magazine they “groom their privates”

15: Age, approximate, at which I last used the word “privates” non-ironically

1987: Year in which pleated high-waisted pants, like those shown on page 116, should remain. What’s next, paperbag waists?

Zero: Amount the use of “Kate Moss” as a verb, as in “11 Touches That ‘Kate Moss’ Your Wardrobe” on page 133, should be tolerated. Please stop. Now.

5: Number of “fantasies he’s having about you right now” and suggested “real way[s] to romance a guy,” as detailed in the “Men, Sex & Love” section

194: Page you should turn to right now to see a model who actually might be a size 12

+1: Points for featuring Robin Givhan in “Meet the Woman on Michelle Watch”

-10: Points for the article not actually being about Givhan, despite its title

35: Percent of survey respondents who think cover star Jessica Simpson should reunite with ex-husband Nick Lachey

Infinite: My astonishment that people actually have an opinion about who Jessica Simpson should date

0: Approximate number of Americans other than me who have neither read nor seen any part of the Twilight series. Four of the films’ stars appear in a beauty feature called—what else?—“Twilight Beauty”

+1: For including a same-sex pair in “Secrets of Happy Couples”

2,497: Estimated appearances of Clinique’s Dramatically Different Moisturizing Lotion in stories similar to “24 Best Beauty Buys Now”

36: Financial tips dispensed in “Your Money,” starting on page 268

Not surprisingly, 0: Recommendations in the aforementioned article to invest in clothes or shoes

4: Violent incidents mentioned in “Sex with a Stranger”

1: Number of men in the same article confessing to “really want[ing] to kill” a woman because she wouldn’t have sex with him

5: Meals actress Meryl Streep claims to get from a single chicken in “Hey, Glamour Readers! Julia Child is Making You Dinner”

Lowest Common Denominator: Allure, August

33,683: Number of free items Allure is giving away in August, according to the cover

10: Pounds lighter, years younger, and times happier editor-in-chief Linda Wells claimed to appear after a bra fitting

$39.95: Price of faux-leather strapless dress from H&M that’s named as a “must” in “Fashion Cravings”

0: Probability, estimated, that any major magazine’s fashion editor has ever actually worn faux leather from H&M

Far, far too much: According to swimwear designer Malia Mills, the amount of maintenance a suit needs to avoid fading and stretching. Daily rinsing and a secondary suit just for wear in hot tubs? Like it isn’t hard enough to find one!

95: Page on which an advertisement for Latisse appears, asking “Not enough lashes?”

Boundless: The joy I’m apparently missing by not sleeping with my hairstylist, according to “Dirty Blondes.” The article claims stylist-client affairs are a “female pasha fantasy”

Heaps: Amount I loved “Time Warp” on page 141, wherein a fashion historian and a history professor discuss the realism of period-movie hair and makeup. More like this, please!

6: In “The New Cocoon,” number of items made of fur, including oh-so-practical shearling gauntlets

None: Amount of the diet advice in “The Fashion Insiders’ Diet” that’s novel to anyone who’s read a women’s magazine before. Really? Eat a piece of fruit before going out to dinner?

Tons: Disbelief inspired by this sentence in the diet’s introduction: “Models aren’t the only ones who feel pressure to be thin, and fitting into a sample size can sometimes feel like a job requirement—if not exactly a virtue—when you work in fashion.” Because, you know, that's just the way it is.

1989: Year from which Allure must have stolen the fluorescent-themed fashion spread “Plugged In”

Lowest Comon Denominator: Elle, April

3: Number of exclamation points on the cover (Reese!, Exclusive!, and Career Survival!)

Approximately 5: Number of pages before David Beckham appears in his underwear in an Emporio Armani ad. You know, just in case you’re into that sort of thing

1: Paragraphs of Joe Zee’s “Style A to Zee” that I actually read. This is why: “[A friend’s legal office] was full of smart, accomplished women, but they just couldn’t get their clothes right…Why have working women put style on a backburner?” I don’t know, Joe, maybe they’re busy working?

155: Page on which “Yes we can!” is appropriated to explain that, yes, we can wear python prints to the office

At least three months ago: The day I’d had my fill of that phrase being shoehorned into every objective, no matter how insignificant

167: Page on which a profile of Amy Poehler appears with the words, “Watch your back, Tina.” Why, yes, Elle, there can only be one funny woman with her own NBC sitcom at any given time!

Never: When I’d like to see another swooning profile of 21-year-old Zac Efron in Elle. Who are these readers who can afford $730 shorts (page 156) and are actually interested in anything Efron has to say?

$39.95: Price of a bottle of the Fill Pill, a fiber supplement that expands to 50 times its size when mixed with water, as explained in “Full Service”

6: Age of restaurateur Julie Daniels Janklow’s son, whose mother is quoted on page 224 saying to him, “I love you, you’re perfect, I want you to be gay and live with me forever and ever.”

12: Women featured in “The Mentalists” who “should—and do—rule the world”

Microscopic: Size of the photos of non-celebs in “The Mentalists” compared to the pictures of stars (There’s a random picture of Seth Rogen—not a woman!—that’s like four times as large as the photo of Washington D.C. school chancellor Michelle Rhee, who’s number 2 on the list.)

4,583: Estimated number of pages devoted to the profile of Eat, Love, Pray author Elizabeth Gilbert

0: Number of times I’d pondered the endowment of Muppets…until Andrew Goldman asked Jason Segel about it in “Naked Amibtion”

Lowest Common Denominator: Cosmopolitan, March

1: Number of cover lines that made me cackle. “We are not kidding” is pure comedy

32: Page on which the word “shoegasm” appears

8: Actresses featured in “Red Carpet Confidence: Who Has It, Who’s Faking It”

Boundless: The inherent hypocrisy of a magazine that encourages its readers to be confident and then speculates about the confidence of celebrities. Does it serve any purpose to have a body-language expert declare that Renee Zellweger, Eva Mendes, and Brittany Snow appear uncomfortable in one particular red carpet photo?

59: Percent of men, according to “Guy Spy,” who “don’t want to know your nooky number”

6: Months I would like to travel back in time and use an assumed name to infiltrate Cosmo HQ and somehow prevent the term “nooky number” from ever appearing in print

$175: Retail price of a tank top deemed “cheap” on page 78

2: Number of pages between the $175 tank and “How to ‘Stretch’ Your Clothes,” which offers fashion-coping tips for those times “your checking account has taken a hit”

11: Number of “His Biggest Sex Secrets”

99.9: After reading “Is He Normal Down There?” and its incessant chorus of "it depends,” my inexpert estimate of the number of men who are, in fact, “normal down there”

13: Judging solely by the apparent necessity of using “down there,” the average age of Cosmopolitan readers

3: Assault and murder victims profiled in “The Hidden Work Danger”

Infinite: Locations where a woman can be brutalized by a man, according to “The Hidden Work Danger” and the psychopathic-behavior-of-the-month articles that appear in every single issue of this magazine

5: Bedtime rituals on page 164 that, claims Cosmo, will “keep you and your man connected”

2 weeks: Shelf life, approximate, of any relationship in which the participants need a women’s magazine to suggest that a kiss on the cheek might be a pleasant way to say good night

Onesie: Okay, it’s not exactly a number, but it is the name of a piece of clothing featured on page 173

2: Of the “45 Ways to Instantly Feel Sexy and Healthy,” number of tips which include the phrase “V zone”

Lowest Common Denominator: Glamour, December

$1,712: Value of the gift bag from Glamour’s Women of the Year gala

68.75: Percent of honorees cited at least in part for their work improving the lives of women in poverty or oppressive situations

16: Women honored by Glamour for, in the words of editor-in-chief Cynthia Leive, “inspiring” other women

3: Celebrity hairstyles noted on page 86 as “Part Makeovers to Inspire You” (that’s “part” as in the part in your hair)

Null: Likelihood I would ever publicly admit to being “inspired” by the direction Gwyneth Paltrow combs her hair

10: Number of strategies suggested to “Make Over Your Body, Head to Toe,” including three for the face

2: Uses of the word “bling” on page 116

$895: Average price of the bling-encrusted bags on the same page

Boundless: My astonishment that anyone would spend $2,295 on a Valentino purse studded with hot-glued faux jewels

3: Body types represented in “The Sexiest Dress for Your Shape”

3: Number of “fun ways” to wear a scarf recommended on the next page

239: Page on which a Glamour staffer claims to have seen the term “sophisticated elf” as the dress code on an invitation

5: According to page 163, the count of “Fights Every Couple is Having Right Now”

100: Approximate percentage of those five conflicts that have been the basis for an episode of a network sitcom starring an average-looking former standup comedian and a gorgeous actress as his wife

9: “Sweet ways guys show their affection” in “100 Little Things that Renew Your Faith in Love”

1: Of those 9, the number which involve a man sleeping outside his girlfriend’s house without her knowledge. Sweet, eh?

4: Pages devoted to “I Don’t Care About Being a Size 2,” a beauty story featuring singer Adele

1: Total of photos of Adele where her body is actually visible below the neck