The reality TV reincarnation of Jane Pratt • Former Jane/Sassy demigod Jane Pratt and annoyingly mustachioed stylist Philip Bloch have teamed up for a VH1 reality show that puts “unfashionable women” at the helm of a fashion magazine, Page Six reports today. The pilot, which has already been shot, is called American Ugly. (Get it? It’s America’s Next Top Model meets Ugly Betty! Sigh.) A show insider says the contestants “are just the saddest bunch. These people not only needed fashion tips, they needed an entire mental makeover. Not one could possibly run a magazine. They were delusional.” No matter—we’ll watch anyway!
Jane
“You look like a Barbie” • It’s sick, we know, but we woke up thinking about last night’s episode of The Fashionista Diaries. Four issues remain unsolved for us: Are we terrible for cackling in glee each time Stephanie and Brandon told the Jane interns their articles would appear in the September issue? When Rachel and Annemarie visited the crash site, was the slow-mo footage of the eighteen-wheeler supposed to be funny? (Because it was.) Why didn’t we get to see Rachel tutor Andrew on Jane? And why does Bridget talk like a drunk four-year-old?
Know When to Fold ‘Em: Jane to Close
There’s no official announcement yet, but looks like we’ve seen the last of Jane. Condé Nast is folding the magazine, which has reportedly struggled at the newsstand and with advertisers in recent months. Fashion Week Daily says that editor-in-chief Brandon Holley and vice president/publisher Carlos LaMadrid will both leave the company.
We’re unexpectedly saddened by this news. We may have mocked Jane relentlessly, but we’ll miss it nonetheless.
For more:
Jane Magazine Folds (Fashion Week Daily)
Rumor: Jane Magazine Folds (Gawker)
Lady Down (Gawker)
Condé Nast Folds Jane (Radar Online)
Edit: Radar Online has more, including the official press release announcing the closure. And Mediabistro has a bit more about the affected staffers.
Lowest Common Denominator: Jane, June/July
287: Sum of numbers on the cover, not including page numbers, dates, or dollars (88, Summer ’07, and $100, respectively)
Non-zero: Chance that the blogger who wrote the “something bitchy” about Brandon Holley that she mentions in her “Editor’s Letter” is us. We’ll never know for sure how many of us are sharing unflattering opinions of her online, will we? Our story: We wrote her a non-snarky letter (she did ask, after all) around the time we posted this. She responded—to her credit, way, way faster than we ever answer email—and asked what it was we didn’t like about the magazine. We wrote a lengthy, sincere (for us, anyway) response. She said that Jane was different from other magazines, even if we didn’t think so, and she wished we weren’t so “mean” on this site. We thanked her for her time. End overly long personal anecdote.
2: Reader letters castigating Jane for putting Avril Lavigne on the April cover
2: Readers quoted in “Z: The Unstoppable Charm of Zooey Deschanel” suggesting Zooey for the cover
5: Approximate number of times we hoped to never encounter managing editor Brekke Fletcher and friends in a movie theater while reading page 36. Seriously, shouting smart-ass comments at the movie screen?
1: Absolutely apt quote about the minidress trend, from featured “Dress” stylist Tina Chai: “I like minis, but on some people they can be sort of vulgar—and tragic.” Yep.
Mercifully, just 2 we’ve spotted so far: Groaningly awful double entendres. From “The Extras” on page 46: “Nothing says ‘I’m into seamen’ like an anchor charm”; and from “Filthy Never Felt So Good,” page 80: “Scrub one out.”
4: Looks shown in “Don’t Fear…Ruffles,” page 52
4: Looks on that page that made us fear ruffles. It’s like 1987 all over again, only without the shoulder pads and the teased bangs.
Infinity plus: Amount we dig “Cubicle Refugee.” How about two pages next time, Jane? We crave details!
109: Page on which we stopped reading the Zooey Deschanel article lest we overload on sheer preciousness. The quote that slayed us? “‘…I’m always looking for school uniforms, trying to squeeze into kids’ clothing,’ she says. ‘It’s sort of a party trick, the way I can get myself into tiny dresses.’” Oh, fun! At least we’ll always have Elf. (As for the rest of the article, here’s what we missed.)
14: Words of the cult article on page 112 we’ve read. We’re saving the rest of it—along with “It Happened to Me”—for a day when we think our life is rough. Perspective!
46: Clothing and accessory pieces featured in “Basics, Only Cooler”
9: Number of those items priced under $100
5: L.A.-area women who surf included in “California Girls,” including pro Kassia Meador
1: Article in another women’s magazine this month featuring Kassia Meador—Allure’s similarly themed “Going Coastal”
A Glossed Over Guide: Becoming a Big-Time Beauty Editor
We never thought being a beauty editor was a particularly simple task—if you know what all those different mascara brushes do, you’re way ahead of us—but after reading Jean Godfrey-June’s completely phoned-in column, “The Beauty Closet,” in the June issue of Lucky, we’ve changed our tune. In fact, based on this page alone, we’ve discerned there are just four easy steps to becoming a top beauty editor:
1. Carefully select your featured products. Think you should patrol out-of-the-way boutiques and track down women brewing body lotion in their kitchens? Not necessary. It isn’t even mandatory to seek out new formulations or effective innovations to share with your readers. In fact, all you need to do is read the press releases from a couple of national chain stores, and maybe stroll through the cosmetics aisle at CVS once in a while. Following the example set in Jean’s June column, a typical article can contain ringing endorsements of mass-manufactured products from commonplace shops like Bath and Body Works and Crabtree & Evelyn. And why not throw in a L’oreal lip gloss that can be purchased in pretty much any drugstore in the U.S.? Done!
2. Find colorful ways to describe the items. Beauty editors are supposed to be creative, so be bold with your language. Don’t be afraid to refer to candles with nonsensical descriptions like “stuffy, stodgy chic,” and feel free to use cloying constructions like “uber-British-y.” Not sure what these phrases actually mean? Don’t worry! Your readers won’t know either!
3. Keep the big picture in mind. Never forget that, as a beauty editor, your job is to sell products that no one really needs. Don’t hesitate to overstate the cultural importance of common items like lip gloss if you think it’ll move a few more units, and be sure to couch even the most pedestrian of beauty aids in convoluted, grandiose language. Even though no one will truly comprehend your prose, they won’t want to admit it. For example:
Women no longer powder their noses; cigarettes are out; only lipstick remains, a final holdout of the glamorous secreting away of oneself in full view that was once the epitome of femininity.
No editor will dare to delete sweeping generalizations about the nature of womanhood!
4. Don’t sweat the small stuff. For instance, don’t bother figuring out whether a shower foam saves time over a shower gel because it doesn’t require lathering. No one’s going to test any of your baseless claims anyway because, well, they’re insignificant. (How much time do you spend working up a lather in the shower? Mere seconds! See?) Likewise, don’t waste a moment pondering if you, as the beauty editor, should even be recommending home accessories like candles, even if your magazine has a home decor section where candles would be much better suited.
With practice and persistence, a beauty editor position is easily attainable. And if you get discouraged, keep the faith: these four steps obviously worked for Jean Godfrey-June.
Previously: A Glossed Over Guide: Parlaying Your Pregnancy Into Press
Jane's "Inspirational" Women Only Inspire Disappointment
Too much Kirsten Dunst is bad for one’s dreams. We blame the one-two punch of taking in both Spider-Man 3 (thumbs down, by the way) and the May issue of Jane on the same evening. Combine that with the news that the magazine will soon be the subject of a reality show, and we conjured a rather vivid dream about the Jane TV show last night.
Which would be weird enough, except that in our dream, Brandon Holley was played by Kirsten Dunst.
Despite our subconscious fixation with Kiki, it wasn’t her joint interview with Spider-Man co-star Bryce Dallas Howard—“Even Kirsten & Bryce Have Quarterlife Crises”? Excuse us for not feeling terribly sympathetic— or even the vaguely creepy collage of disembodied breasts on page 125 that stuck with us after a night’s sleep. Rather, it was “30 Under 30,” which features
Thirty inspirational women. (Okay, it’s really 31, but that’s not as snappy.) We didn’t have room for all 57 million.
Aw, shamelessly flattering the readers. Never a good sign. (And we’re exempt, anyway—not only are we too old to awe Jane, but Brandon Holley thinks we’re “mean.” Sniff.)
Anyway, since our idea of an interesting woman differs so markedly from Jane’s, we wanted to take a closer look at their honorees. And while there are some truly accomplished women on the list (did you know that someone could be a molecular biologist and a comic book artist at the same time? What have we been doing with our life?), there are also some typically dubious choices.
For instance:
• Four actresses (Amanda Seyfried, Anna Paquin, Kristen Stewart, and Jessica Rose) and three singer/actresses (Ciara, Hilary Duff, and Lea Michele) make the list. Hilary Duff, “inspirational”? Only in that her music inspires us to stab a letter opener into our eardrums, but we’re pretty sure that’s not what they mean. The piece’s intro cites a sushi chef, a student activist, and a political adviser, yet actress and singer/actress are the only two occupations represented several times over.
Also, the demographics of the list were interesting:
• Eight women—about a quarter of the list—live in New York. Another six live in Los Angeles.
• The average age of the listees is 20, thanks in part to the two 17-year-olds who made the list: actress Kristen Stewart and “Internet it girl” Cory Kennedy. (And the fact that Cory Kennedy is deemed “inspirational” is indicative of how credible this list is. She’s the absolute epitome of being famous for, well, being famous.)
• Six of the women—three actresses, Ciara, Duff, and Broadway performer Michele—were dressed by the magazine for the shoot. The others are, presumably, wearing their own clothes. Nothing’s more inspirational than a woman dressed by a stylist!
We know it’s impossible to craft a list that will please everyone, and that no magazine would put, say, the first African-American polka dance champ (page 106) on its cover. But Anna Paquin, who comes across as mature and level-headed, could take the cover.
We’ll give Jane points for trying, but next time around, how about a list comprised entirely of non-famous women? What about an in-depth exploration of their lives and issues instead of a handful of not-too-enlightening quips? We’d love to hear the bodybuilder and the ballet dancer’s thoughts on skinny models. Or why not let the transgender student and the carpentry foreman discuss gender roles?
Instead, we get Stewart bemoaning how restricted she feels by being 17 (!), Ciara breathlessly awaiting her “prince,” and Duff spouting banalities about being famous allows her to be an inspiration to other women. Give us a break, okay? Were these the best quotes their publicists could come up with? It’s great that Duff is learning to cook, but, somehow, the idea of a wealthy 19-year-old cooking her own dinner doesn’t exactly inspire us to lead a better life.
Lucky: Avril Lavigne's Post-Marriage Personality Makeover
We know Avril Lavigne just released a new album—how else could her appearance on the covers of Jane (April) and Lucky (May) be justified?—but we refuse to take her seriously as a fashion icon when she’s wearing an outfit that Shannen Doherty would have worn on season one of Beverly Hills, 90210. (Maybe we’re showing our age here, but you know Brenda Walsh would have sported that vest at the Peach Pit along with the requisite paper-bag waist jeans and black fedora.)
In case the outfit isn’t reason enough to generate animosity toward Avril (though we will admit to coveting the star-shaped pendant), there’s the way she claims her marriage has changed her.
In Lucky’s “At the Shoot,” she says:
“I didn’t really care about fashion when I was a teenager, but in the last couple of years—since I got married, I guess—something changed,” says Avril, 22. “Now I love so many things about it: like cool heels and bags and all kinds of accessories.”
Then, in “Her Way”:
“I’m in a place in my life where I can try out things that are a bit more feminine, but still maintain some punk attitude.”
A place in her life? Being married, she means.
What a strange phenomenon. Apparently, being legally wed leads a woman to develop a fascination with clothes and shoes! Now that she’s got that ring on her finger, there’s no need to maintain her own persona. Nope, the wedding day was the time to morph into an outmoded prototype of femininity! Has she also cultivated an interest in cooking, cleaning, and childbirth? Or is she only interested in exploiting stereotypes that relate to her appearance and therefore might boost her career?
We can’t say for sure, of course. And as crassly commercial as the “new” Avril may be, her neckties-worn-with-tanks look from a few years back was just as calculated. But what do we expect? We can’t exactly hope for authenticity from a woman who claims to have “punk attitude” while, in the same article, extolling the virtues of diamond jewelry and Armani gowns.
The Week: Vogue Goes Bold, Features Actual Models
• First, a look at next month’s Vogue and W covers. Shocker! Those are models, not movie stars, on the cover of Vogue. Though if there absolutely must be a celeb on the cover, it’s hard to argue with America Ferrera.
• Jane’s newsstand sales may be flagging, but that hasn’t stopped the development of a
TV show.
• Ooh, juicy. Editors from Marie Claire, Cosmopolitan, and Bazaar live it up in New Orleans, while low-level staffers at the magazines have their raises delayed. We expect this incident to spawn at least one more thinly veiled novel about a magazine assistant.
• Is Good Housekeeping going hip? As part of a makeover, the magazine hires editors from Jane and Lucky.
• Is Ashlee Simpson the face of June’s Cosmopolitan? If so, why?
• And Jane Pratt blah blah blah another interview blah blah blah. Yep, even we’re bored with her by now.
Dear Brandon: A Response to Jane's Editor
Dear Brandon,
Remember your first “Editor’s Letter”? Remember how instantly enamored we were and how hopeful we were that you could salvage a magazine we once adored for its irreverent point-of-view, just because you wrote a succinct and impersonal message and didn’t act falsely chummy, Jane Pratt-style, and ask us to vote on whether you should get highlights?
Well, things have changed, and it’s not us—it’s you. Let’s talk about your April message.
Before you get all up in arms about the changes you’re gonna see in this issue, let me first say that it’s all your fault.
Changes? Based on reader suggestions? Now you’re just teasing us, Brandon.
If you weren’t so forward, smart and insightful…
Uh oh. Resorting to flattery already? That doesn’t bode well.
…about telling me what kind of magazine you want to read, I wouldn’t have tweaked a thing.
Well, there’s a tacit admission that she’s out of touch and knows it. She wouldn’t have made any changes? If everything at Jane was copacetic, then why was she even hired? ’Fess up already, Brandon—after all, Jane Pratt barely manages to flip through new issues.
By the way, when you send me an e-mail, it goes straight to my Treo and not to some IT guy.
Which, you know, is the accepted way that email works. But thanks for clarifying that for us!
So the editors here and I can now say beyond any doubt that you want us to feature fewer Hollywood bimbos…
…which is why Avril Lavigne is on the cover, since she’s a Canadian bimbo and therefore completely different.
You also love book reviews—sorry I cut down on them for a while…
Remember when you said your readers were “smart”? Do you know a single smart woman who exclusively reads Jane? Yeah, nor do we.
…and you’ll most likely shoot us if we ever try to give you pandering sex advice or diet info…
But pandering career advice and a pandering ad campaign are absolutely okay!
We’re just trying to get closer to what I think we all want Jane to be: a mirror for a culture of women who are opinionated, funny and smart, and who don’t suffer bullshit.
Okay, she’s right on this one minute detail. That’s what we want Jane (and, if we’re truthful, every magazine) to be. Unfortunately, the reality is nowhere near that goal, as is painfully evident in the very next sentence:
My favorite item this month is the women at a dog park in Silver Lake, L.A.: We asked them who their dogs would be if they were famous, and their answers were hilarious—we couldn’t have written them better.
Funny, she said she wanted to reflect “opinionated” women, so naturally we thought Jane would seek out opinions on subjects that, oh, actually matter. Not that asking women to conflate a dog’s personality with that of a celeb isn’t (sort of, perhaps, maybe if you’re in the right mood) funny. But it’s a terrible trifle to trot out as an example of the “culture of women” the magazine claims to promote. Apparently modern women are defined not by their own personalities, but by the traits they conjure for their dogs.
As ever, e-mail me…
Check your Treo, Brandon.
Love,
Glossed Over
The Week: Like Jane Pratt Needs More Attention Right Now
• In an attempt to counter anything
they’ve published that might make you think they aren’t proponents of feminism,
Elle hosted a panel discussion about women.
• Jane Pratt announced that, back when she was still relevant, she had an affair with Drew Barrymore, and said we can “speculate if [we] want” about a rumored magazine collaboration with Gwen Stefani. Which means they’re launching a new mag, obviously.
• Speaking of Jane Pratt being relevant, Mediabistro interviewed the authors of the upcoming book about Sassy called How Sassy Changed My Life: A Love Letter To The Greatest Teen Magazine Of All Time.
• Radar weighs in on Vogue’s shape issue (sorry, we couldn’t resist the pun), while Counterbalance opines about the April issue’s book reviews.
• And a Glamour editor is grooming the next generation of “beauty gurus.” Oh, good, we can’t think of a better role model for today’s girls than one who introduces them to nail polish. [via Gawker]
The Week: At Last, Cringe-Free Cover Photos
• April issues are coming over the transom: Reese Witherspoon looks fierce in Bazaar, Scarlett
Johansson wears dark lips and short shorts in Vogue, and both constitute massive
improvements over last month’s horrifying cover shots of Katie Holmes and Jennifer Hudson, respectively.
• Still more changes at Elle: While a new design director comes on board, other staffers make a blatant attempt to guest-star on The Hills by defecting to jobs at Teen Vogue.
• The New York Times’ Cathy Horyn asks why anyone except “daughters with lucky DNA in New York and L.A.” should care about Vogue. We agree.
• And Conde Nast plans to launch a new web network, featuring content from Jane, Self, Allure, and Glamour. Like reading the magazines once on paper isn’t punishing enough.
A Jane-Inspired Rant on the Nature of Talent...and Uggs
From Jane’s fashion editorial “Great White,” March:
It’s almost eerie how these eight emerging talents with amazing personal style are all obsessing over the ethereal white dress right now.
Eerie, indeed, if you consider a stylist dressing eight women in white dresses to be a strange coincidence.
And who might these “emerging talents” be? While we have no argument with featuring the likes of designer Erin Fetherston or Kate Sennert (editor-in-chief of Tokion), we have to question the inclusion of Molly Hanrahan, age 24. Her claim to greatness?
What she does: Casting agent for MTV reality shows
Oh, right, because it takes tremendous skill and vision to find promiscuous alcoholics to appear on The Real World.
The “emerging talent” featured on page 121 is even more ludicrous. Guess who? It’s Jane’s own Stephanie Trong! How very self-congratulatory of Jane! How fortuitous that the magazine employs someone qualified to appear in its very own photo shoot!
Here are Stephanie’s intriguing thoughts on fashion:
“Stylistically, I love hippie girls—like the ragtag ones who will throw on anything,” Stephanie says. “The dress I’m wearing here is really special, because I’m posing with the designer, Catherine. I was accosting her throughout the shoot, ‘cause I need to buy it. It’s so innocent. I can’t wait to wear it in the summer with moccasin booties.”
So the dress is only special because the designer is right next to her? Somehow, we don’t think that’s what she meant to say.
Note to Jane: posing your models flat on their backs in tall grass doesn’t exactly show off the clothes to their best advantage. Note to Stephanie: Moccasin booties? That’s a joke, right? We hate moccasin booties as much as we hate Uggs, and we loathe Uggs because we live in L.A. where every time the temperature dips below 65, the entire population of under-21s switches out flip-flops for Uggs instead of just, you know, putting on some jeans, and you can’t leave the house without encountering a phalanx of college students in their ridiculous uniforms of denim minis, tanks, Uggs, and scarves. Scarves! With tank tops! Has everyone gone mad?
Anyway. We know not to expect much from Jane. We can’t possibly agree with them on the merits of every single woman they feature in the magazine, but we don’t hate Drew Barrymore. So, feeling optimistic (and
generous, might we add), we headed to the magazine’s website, supposing perhaps Jane might redeem itself with the April issue. Wishful thinking, we realized, when we learned that Avril Lavigne is on the cover. We can only hope they selected her for the cover solely because her name means “April” in French.
So we’re going to back up a step and reconsider our earlier opinion. If Avril Lavigne is Jane’s idea of established talent, we’ll take the “emerging” stars any day. Hey, we bet that woman who casts for MTV can even clue us in on a great place to have a drink. Now that’s a useful skill. Promoting “ragtag,” “hippie” fashion? Not much of a talent, if you ask us.
Daily Mini Is Mad About Mercury (Yes, the Planet)
Oh, Daily Mini, how we’ve missed you! Especially because no other magazine combines such breathless idolatry of magazine editors with a healthy dose of what can only be described as nonsense. Like this example from “The Fix” in the April issue: 
Mercury went retrograde February 14-March 8. Did you feel the pain?
Now, we don’t put much stock in astrology, so we were initially skeptical. But as we read, we were nearly convinced by the Mini. After all, what else but the planets themselves could have caused a tragedy of such massive (and obviously irreparable) proportions?
On February 18, passengers on Delta Flight 84 going from New York to Milan for Fashion Week were struck by Mercury mischief. They sat on the chilly runway for more than 2 1⁄2 hours, then deplaned, switched gates, and waited another 90 minutes.
A runway icing over in February in the northeastern United States? Why, that’s practically unheard of! It couldn’t simply be normal weather conditions causing these kinds of problems. Nope, it must be the motion of another planet entirely creating such wretched misfortune!
Like delaying this particular flight wasn’t horrific enough, those rascally planets actually caused a model to miss some of her scheduled runway struts. The nerve!
Rachel Alexander clutched her Chanel bag, crying because she was going to miss the next morning's shows.
Sniff! We may need a Kleenex ourselves to get through the rest of this page. The gall of Mercury to interfere with something as absolutely crucial as fashion! Hal Rubenstein from InStyle and Kusum Lynn from Jane and a whole bunch of other people we’ve never heard of eventually landed in Italy a whopping six hours late. Can you imagine the sheer volume of vital fashion they missed in that precious time? Horrors! Their careers are done for!
No? They’re all still employed? Nothing negative came of those six extra hours stuck stateside?
Sheesh. Even more impressive than Mercury’s supposed powers is the Mini’s ability to blow a commonplace event completely out of proportion. But don’t tell the folks at the Mini we said that; they’ll probably just blame it on our Scorpio personality.
The Week: Simple-Minded Simple Life Stars Land Bazaar Cover
• First, a bit of Glossed Over news. We’d love to hear more like this. Got dirt? Email us. Also, we’ve added Twitter to our front page for quick updates. 
• Hankering for more thinly veiled, poorly written “fiction” about a spunky editor being deposed from her eponymous magazine? Gawker’s got another installment. Or hear the actual story from Jane Pratt next Friday.
• Anna Wintour hates the word “blog” and has ordered her staff to come up with a replacement immediately.
• W, Glamour, and Vogue were nominated for National Magazine Awards. We aren’t sure why either.
• And in case you needed another reason not to read Bazaar, the June cover will feature Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie. Pass!
The Week: Now Officially Sick of Jennifer Hudson
• Marie Claire staffers are reportedly fleeing the magazine. What, are they not getting enough screen time in “The Masthead with Marie Claire”?
• Elle Executive Editor Alex Postman tells Mediabistro that, when interviewing candidates for a job, she asks about their reading habits. Good news, job applicants: If you’ve managed to read every word on the magazine’s cover, you’re hired. (And we promise to never trot out that joke again!)
• Catfight! Jennifer Hudson and André Leon Talley are still arguing over that ugly bolero.
• And these excerpts from former Jane staffer Karen Cohen Yampolsky’s “novel” about Jane Pratt reveal the inner machinations of the magazine industry. Also, they reveal that Yampolsky is an exceedingly bad writer.
The Week: Anne Slowey Still Hasn't Eaten a Thing
• If you’ve been lamenting that In Style is too heavy to carry around, fret not! Now, in a move every other magazine will soon follow, style content is available on your cell phone. 
• Debate continues over the veracity and/or sanity of Anne Slowey’s self-reported Fashion Week diet.
• Jane wants you to take your top off. No, seriously.
• Speaking of topless women and Jane, this is pretty much all you need to read from the Drew Barrymore interview.
• And after receiving yet another hilariously awful email from Bazaar’s subscriber customer service, we found a phone number (which, naturally, was on the website all along). We’ll have a full report on our call next week.
Jane Staffers Obsessed with Movies, Prostitution
It’s a bit like Christmas around here when our issue of Jane arrives—it’s always a treasure trove of completely ludicrous details. Like March’s “Fashion Glossary”—is there really anyone out there who needs this magazine to explain Alaia? Anyone who’s seen Clueless knows “it’s, like, a totally important designer.” Love that scene!
Anyway. We were genuinely pleased to see the March cover proclaim
Class up your pad for pennies
Because, hey, our place could use some sprucing up, and we can’t start buying home décor magazines or we’ll completely run out of usable surfaces. (You have a stack of Lucky back issues on your kitchen table, too, right? Reading a dozen titles a month is a serious space commitment.)
There are only three articles in the “Home” section. Though the cover line refers to page 80, we figured we’d flip through all three.
First,
Good Evening, Vietnam!
Oh, what a timely movie reference in the headline there! But this article has recipes—not what we’re looking for. Next.
Cohab Rehab
She loves fringe, he’s into steel
We stage an affordable intervention.
This might be useful, except the magazine has none of the pertinent details (unless you consider the fact that the couple in question met online to be pertinent) and instead refers us to Jane’s website. Which still contains content from the February issue. Strike two.
Chandeliers for Renters
Instantly class up the joint with one of these candelabras
This one page, then, is the sum of all the decorating advice in the magazine and the “class[ing] up ” mentioned on the cover. And some, er, interesting advice it is:
Besides offsetting the mess, the low light makes it easy to pretend you’re a French whore getting ready to go out for the night.
Looks like someone had Belle de Jour in her Netflix queue recently! Sure, pretending to be a whore is a rather odd way to “class up ” an apartment, but those French women do have an inimitable sense of style.
We Read It So You Don't Have To: Jane's Guide to Quick Cash and Petty Lawbreaking
In the February issue, Jane goes with a service-oriented piece (sort of). In “Make $1,000 in Five Days,” we follow the adventures of writer Annemarie Conte, who needs to garner a grand, stat.
When we read the story’s title indicating her urgent need for cash, our heart flooded with sympathy. Poor thing, we thought. She’s so desperate for money, she must be facing a terrible quandary…like a plumbing catastrophe, or an emergency vet bill, or a last-minute plane ticket to visit a sick family member.
Well, no. See, Annemarie needs the cash to buy a 22-year-old diesel Mercedes. Which she’ll mine for
spare parts for the 22-year-old diesel Mercedes she already owns. Did we mention she’s buying the car off Craigslist?
But who are we to judge how she spends her cash? We’ve certainly dropped some dollars on foolish things like, say, this issue of Jane.
Here’s how Annemarie’s quest shook out.
1. Pet-sitting nets $40 for three hours.
2. Testing a new foundation brings in a robust $120.
3. An office bake sale garners $60. Of course, this method only works for people with the ability to walk around their office building selling homemade baked goods instead of, you know, actually working.
4. $15 for an hour of babysitting. Turns out caring for another human being pays only marginally better than caring for a dog.
5. $50 apiece for transcribing an interview and $50 to pick her parents up from the airport in her 22-year-old car. Yawn. Is this Seventeen? Is she going to mow her neighbor’s lawn and wash her big brother’s car next?
6. Annemarie decides to deliver furniture from Ikea to the city in a friend’s borrowed car and makes $315. Afterwards, she opts out of refilling her pal’s gas tank. She may be flush with cash, but she’s awfully inconsiderate.
7. $60 for selling two homemade lasagnas.
8. A $10 cut of the proceeds for letting friends bet on how quickly she’ll manage to get drunk at an event. Classy! (Oh, and she managed to guzzle eight beers before failing her pals’ hand-eye coordination test. We’re sort of in awe.)
9. $100 for selling friends’ stuff on eBay. So now she’s feeding them, caring for their offspring, entertaining them by letting them bet on her liver, and selling their stuff? What do her friends do all day?
10. Undisclosed amount for selling alcohol at work. Because, of course, it’s legal to sell booze and socially acceptable to partake in the workplace. On the other hand, if drinking is a regular thing at Jane HQ, it explains an awful lot about the magazine.
11. $120 selling homemade t-shirts at a Giants game, once again skirting the law by neglecting to secure a permit.
At the beginning of her money-making marathon, Annemarie writes
I will not whore myself. I will not whore myself.
which implies there were some laws she wasn’t willing to break in the interest of a good story. Still, wouldn’t “magazine writer turns tricks for a grand” (or sells drugs for a grand, or auctions spare kidney for a grand) have made a far more compelling story? We think so. In fact, if she’d been selling plasma to earn cash for the car, we might have even chipped in.
Jane Reveals Starlet's Beauty Secret, Own Penchant for Cloying Language
From Jane’s “Primp,” December/January:
Laid-back makeup artist Fabiola created three looks to sexify your winter rut. Her A-list clients (like Mischa Barton) will prob’ly want ’em, too—just a twinsie warning.
A “twinsie” warning? Oh, right, because it’s the makeup that keeps us all from looking just like Mischa Barton.
Jane Grooms Its Next Generation of Staffers
We don’t want to impugn the intelligence of Jane readers—though
maybe we’d like to impugn the intelligence of Jane staffers. Just a little. Anyway. The true stories
shared by
readers in December/January’s “Are You About to Be Fired?” make us wonder
exactly how these readers manage to be employed—and how
even more out-of-touch Jane must be to consider these workplace
tales of adversity even remotely helpful. Or even remotely illustrative of reality.
We give you the story of 22-year-old Heather.
“I always get in trouble for stuff like putting the word yay in an e-mail, or ‘unprofessional’ chitchat, like asking a client with 10 kids if he’s Catholic…”
Guess what, Heather? That’s not ‘unprofessional.’ It’s unprofessional. (Ask a grown-up to explain that one to you, dear, as we’re sure the finer points of punctuation are completely lost on you.) Not to mention potentially offensive and certainly rude.
Then there’s Danielle, who, at 26, is old enough to know better.
“No one seems to have a problem with three-martini lunches, but I guess when it’s 8 a.m., it’s somehow inappropriate.”
Somehow.
And even more galling is that Jane doesn’t take a moment to explain to readers that inquiring about a client’s religion or showing up at work sauced is, you know, generally unacceptable.
Hey, maybe such behavior is totally okay at the magazine’s headquarters (and soooo Jane, too!). But why bother to educate the young, impressionable readers in proper workplace etiquette? Someone’s got to grow up and go to work for Brandon Holley.
The Week: A Preponderance of Potential Disasters
- Watch this video. Suddenly the existence of a 30-year-old virgin won’t seem so improbable.
- Marie Claire may be down in ad pages (scroll to the bottom), but it is way, way up in breasts.
- Is Jane stealing from Details? Does anyone really want to claim credit for this idea anyway?
- Looking for work? You too can be the next
Andrea SachsLauren Weisbergerbrutally overworked Anna Wintour minion.
She Loves Irony. She's Exactly What You Expect. Meet Jane.
From Jane’s “Dish,” December/January, about New York
salon Seagull:
“It’s about not conforming to the flock.”
Translation: You’re not going to walk away with a Bergdorf-blond blow-out.
Unless, of course, you see the irony in that.
Right, because as long as you maintain a heallthy sense of the “irony” of the situation, you can be as mainstream and conformist as you like.
Which pretty much sums up the magazine itself, really. Wonder if Jane sees the irony in
that?
How to Dress for Public Pole-Dancing? Ask Jane
Are Jane’s fashion editors
drinking on the job? From the spread
“Urban Studies,” November, comes a caption that made us wonder:
When it comes to getting some well-deserved attention, street corner pole-dancing is second only to the public striptease.
Hey, thanks for the advice, Jane. We’ve been wondering how we can use our body to create a public spectacle. Why didn’t we think of embracing a streetlamp until now?
Of course, if we’re going to be wrapping ourselves around a light pole, our clothes might garner a bit of attention too. (At least until, in an inevitable burst of exuberance, we get carried away.) The model in the pole-dancing photo is sporting an absolutely darling pair of Marc Jacobs heels. Strippers do leave their shoes on, right?
She Despises Jane. She Buys Jane Every Month.
We’re no experts in marketing, but for us, the only thing evoked by
Jane’s ad campaign has been a persistent urge to vomit.
We’ve been following Copyranter’s continuing series on the ads, which highlight the alleged inherent duality of their average reader. To quote him, “dichotomous does not, like, equal interesting.” Sadly, the dolts behind the campaign failed to recognize this. Or that pointing out potential readers’ hypocrises may not, in fact, be the most effective way to encourage them to spend money.
Our least favorite Jane ad?
She’s marched for women’s rights. She’s cried her way out of a speeding ticket.
Because, you know, Jane is all about equal rights. Except when being equal is totally inconvenient. Sheesh—are we supposed to see ourselves in the specious logic behind the ad’s sentiment?
Count us out of that demographic, Jane.
Jane: Finally, A Reason To Get a Real Job
From Jane’s “Life: Work,”
October:
Break into the music biz
Take advice from ladies who rocked SXSW, video directors and stylists. Because, you know, groupies don’t get paid.
Because, you know, aside from the whole money thing, groupie is a totally valid career choice.
Jane Uses "S-E-X" Three Times on Cover In Attempt for Record
This month in Jane:
How Classy Girls Have Naughty Sex
Which leads us to wonder:
Why Smart Women Buy This Magazine
And then we remembered: They don’t.
Some 29-year-olds, however, do write to Jane for help with losing their virginity. We rest our case.
The Week: We'll Never Believe Lauren Weisberger Again
The Devil Wears Prada’s production designers reveal that Miranda Priestly’s movie office was nearly identical to Anna Wintour’s real-life digs at Vogue. Now, in what’s obviously a totally coincidental move, Wintour is redecorating. Way to squelch those claims that the movie wasn’t based on Wintour’s reign of terror at the magazine, everyone.
Copyranter weighs in on Jane’s relentless campaign of self-promotion. Either he doesn’t get it because he’s not part of the target demographic, or these ads are misguided and annoying. We’ll let you guess where we stand on the issue (hint: the latter).
And luxury jeweler H. Stern is reaching out to the five people— all of whom must work at Glamour— who weren’t repulsed by Ashley Judd’s therapy confessions. They’ve hired the actress to appear in an ad campaign in September’s Vogue and W.
This Week: It's All Anna Wintour's Fault
While we were slacking off this week, here’s what else was going on:
Did Elle make up Hilary Duff’s attestation of virginity? Did anyone believe it in the first place? Does anyone over the age of fourteen even care?
Jane wants readers to contact editors with story ideas. Remember when Sassy did its annual reader-produced issue? This is like that, only lazier and not as innovative.
This week’s most bizarre internet mashup features legendary Cosmo editor Helen Gurley Brown lecturing how to have an affair over salacious news footage dissecting the breakup of Peter Cook and Christie Brinkley. If only Cook had followed HGB’s helpful and totally outdated advice.
And this is old,