Glossed Over

To-Do List • Attempting to walk in Lucky’s shoes? Deadline’s approaching! The cut-off to enter the magazine’s caption-writing contest is Monday, March 3, at 11:59 p.m. Eastern.

And if you’re looking for reading material beyond the new issue of Vogue (what is up with Drew Barrymore on the cover?), these stories have captured our attention this week:

• Anna Wintour responds to Carine Roitfeld calling her a “puppet” by refusing to comment, thereby crushing our hopes for an all-out intercontinental war between the Vogue editors.

• Take a glimpse at the past—and the present, and, we fear, the future—of women’s magazines. (Thanks, Melinika!)

• InStyle mixes up the non-Beyoncé members of Destiny’s Child.

• And are Holocaust memorials wildly inappropriate locales for fashion shoots? One brand, facing backlash from shots of a male model at the Vienna monument, admits they “didn’t think through everything.” Well, that much is clear. (via SuperColossal)

Lowest Common Denominator: InStyle, January

2: Number of pages devoted to Kate Hudson (“Her 10 best, ever!”)

4: Additional photos of Kate Hudson throughout the issue (pages 78, 112, 115, 149)

7, not counting writer Johanna Schneller: People who gush over Katie Holmes in “What Katie Wants” (The illustrious Kate Cruise Fan Club counts the following luminaries as members: Sherry Lansing, Giambattista Valli,  Diane Keaton, Giorgio Armani, Victoria Beckham, Callie Khouri, and Christopher Bailey of Burberry.)

29: Percentage of paragraphs in “What Katie Wants” in which Katie gushes about Tom Cruise or “being a wife”

Way, way too much: Amount Katie is trying to make her marriage appear sound

1: Ludicrous statement about femininity in “Figure Flattery.”  The collarbone is, according to InStyle, “arguably one of the most feminine parts of a woman’s body.” Wait, are they really claiming certain parts of a woman’s body are more feminine than others?  No word on which parts are, like, unacceptably gender-neutral.

1: Animal whose fur is suggested as a “problem solver” for upper arms in the same article (That’d be the rabbit, and there’s a shrug and a capelet crafted of its pelt.)

$54.80: Average price of the “positively affordable” items in “Deals & Steals,” which is—surprise!—actually affordable

3: Photos of Jennifer Garner in the same magenta Zac Posen dress (pages 75, 76, and 110). We love us some Sydney Bristow, and it’s a gorgeous dress, but three times?

1: Number of animate objects listed in “Designer Lust List” (Jenni Kayne says a French bulldog is a must-have.  Dogs, yes!  But pups as fashion accessories?   God, no.)

10: Steps involved in a “simple…approach to getting it right in the new year and beyond,” per “Beauty 2008: Your Master Plan”

Absolutely none: Amount of interest we have in developing a “master plan” involving a “signature scent”  and hair accessories.  Like we have nothing better to do?

42: Percent of ad pages in this issue which tout cosmetics, skincare, and haircare products

26: Words we read in the Vanessa Williams story.  They were: “Can a native New Yorker like Vanessa Williams find true bliss—and a really good soy chai latte—way out West?  You bet your sweet Buddha.”

Approximately a billion: Number of times we’ve seen the story about a New Yorker moving to L.A.  Doesn’t anyone east of the Mississippi realize that we do, in fact, have bagels on the West Coast?

Infinitely: Degree to which we were bored with this issue

Well, that’s one way to sell stuff… • By insulting potential customers and reinforcing stereotypes at the same time!  Who knew such a feat was possible?  Here’s our least favorite celeb turned brand name Sarah Jessica Parker discussing her signature fragrances, as quoted in “The Fragrance Diaries” in the December issue of InStyle.  “Lovely is very polite.  It’s the girl you marry, and Covet is the girl you date, you know?  Covet is fun, slightly wanton, desperate. [emphasis ours]  It’s for a stop-at-nothing-to-get-what-you-want kind of a girl.”

Scoping Out September Issues: InStyle

The issue weighs: 3 full pounds

Issue thickness:  Nearly an inch

Who’s on the cover: Gwen Stefani looking somehow different than usual. We can’t decide if she’s the victim of extreme Photoshopping or if this is what she actually looks like. 

Who bought the back cover: Yves Saint Laurent, with a gorgeous, moody ad featuring Gisele Bundchen

Most misleading cover line:

Most Revealing Star Photos Ever

Revealing?  Bah!  These photos are about as racy as pics of your grandmother in a skirted bathing suit.  Rachel Bilson wears a bra, but is covered from her rib cage to her knees.  Ooh, daring!  Denis Leary is shirtless!  Eh.  Joy Bryant’s entire leg is on display!  Ben Stiller displays a whopping five inches of sternum.  We aren’t saying that celebs should doff their clothes for a camera (or that we actually have the desire to see Stiller without his shirt), but these pics reveal nothing. They’re decently composed photos, but ultimately?  Nothing to see here except the black-and-white photo of legendary jerk Terence Howard stretched across two patio chairs in his underwear, if only because it has to be the most awkward, uncomfortable pose ever and we like to think of it as a form of cosmic retribution.

Number of ad pages between the cover and the table of contents: 50

Total number of pages: 618

How many of those pages are ads: 284, about 46 percent (source: MIN Online)

Subscription cards: Two bound, no blow-ins. Less mess!

Cosmetic samples: We can actually smell our copy from across the room now that we’ve peeled open the samples inside. It is pure perfume overload in this issue: Dolce & Gabbana Light Blue, Dior J’adore, Guerlain My Insolence, Usher The Scent for Women, L.A.M.B. by Gwen Stefani (natch), and Fendi Palazzo. The worst by far is Usher’s, which is foul—it’s reminiscent of fruity air freshener blended with turpentine. And the essence of Usher as a fragrance? Gag-inducing.

Is it portable? Not unless you’re a lumberjack and therefore accustomed to lugging around this much dead tree. Leave it at home.

August's Denim Stories Do Us No Good

It’s Friday.  Let’s talk fashion, shall we?

Reading Lucky’s “Denim Guide,” Marie Claire’s “Denim Trend Report,” and InStyle’s “Jeans A-Z” (in the August issues) has us wondering: Is apparel Armageddon upon us?  With the perfect storm of colored denim, skinny jeans, and high-waisted pants, it’s like every awful trend of the early 1990s has been revived all at once.  Yes, we realize ranting about this makes us sound old.

See, by mindlessly following trends throughout our youth, we suffered a ton of denim trauma.  In junior high, we pegged our jeans to show off our multiple pairs of colored socks.  In high school, we wore super-light washes in a tapered cut and cuffed denim shorts in teal and red (though at least we refrained from wearing ripped grunge-style jeans).  And in college, we lived in a pair of brown jeans from the Gap.  We cringe thinking about those crimes of fashion we committed so blithely—all we wanted was to be stylish!—so we’re skeptical about the return of denim looks we tried so hard to forget.  Won’t someone please make a reasonably modern, flattering, affordable pair of jeans and spare us further retrospective embarrassment?

Our list of the pants we will never, ever wear:

• The Oligo Tissew skinny jeans on page 145 of Lucky (at right).  They’re purple.  And rubberized.  And they cost $239.  We can only hope the price is a misprint.  The mag describes them thusly:

Very Studio 54: They have a touch of sheen and an extra-body-conscious fit.

We guess a Studio 54-inspired trend is a good thing…if you want to look like you were completely high when you got dressed.  Besides, we’re 5’1” with hips, and those pants are straining to cover the model’s curves.  They are not going to work on us.

• The high-waisted Earnest Sewns on page 47 of Marie Claire.  For just $240, they come with a complimentary back yoke and button pocket.  Exactly like pants we had in fourth grade!

The mag describes another pair of pants as

Disco-style denim…

Disco, Studio 54—we’re sensing a pattern here.  Since when is disco-inspired a positive attribute?

In the pages of InStyle, we simply can’t decide which is worse:

• Is it Jennifer Lopez’s high-waisted pair with three buttons above the zipper fly (page 169 and at right)?  Where do those things end?  They’re like a corset and a pair of pants in one.

• Or is it the $253 Rock & Republics on page 171 with red lightning bolts stitched on the back pockets?  They’re just like a pair we had when we were eight, only exponentially more overpriced!

Not all of it is horrible—we’ll be trying the pinstriped jeans InStyle recommends and the “baby bells” Lucky loves.  Or, you know, we’ll just stick to skirts. 

What do you think about the new denim styles?

Actresses Tragically Overworked in the Pages of InStyle

After our earlier debacle with InStyle Weddings, we sprinted back into the arms of the familiar regular edition.  The devil you know, etc.  But we were equally shell-shocked by what we found inside:  Apparently, the rigors of stardom are claiming untold numbers of victims.  It’s not just Paris, Lindsay, and Nicole facing adversity—it's practically the whole town!  How else can you explain that InStyle ran out of actresses to feature and merely used the same faces over and over in the June issue?

Katherine Heigl?  Three appearances.  Sienna Miller?  Four pages.  Molly Sims?  Four photos and a Cover Girl ad.  Not counting actresses who are the subjects of features (like Eva Longoria in “Style Diary,” whose appearance had nothing to do with Revlon’s four-page front of the book ad buy featuring—who else—Eva Longoria, right?), Mischa Barton and Jennifer Lopez tied with Drew Barrymore for a winning five mentions apiece.  What’s going on here?  Did Fred Segal close?  Or is InStyle suffering from a lack of imagination, the undue influence of a cadre of publicists, and/or a dearth of appropriate wire-service photos?

Whatever the cause, something has got to be done to help those beleagured actresses whose stylist-approved outfits weren’t deemed worthy of an InStyle trend piece, not to mention the overworked darlings who appear on multiple pages here.  Mischa has problems, you know; she can’t exemplify a different style every night.  (Though some actresses certainly try—that must be why they end up hospitalized for exhaustion, the poor dears.)  So step up, starlets!  Help out your fellow thespians!  Perhaps Hayden Panettiere can handle a few events, or Keira Knightley can wear a gold-plated squirrel around her neck.  Someone’s got to consider the plight of these over-extended actresses.  And someone’s got to consider who’ll show up in the July issue of InStyle.

Daily Mini Is Mad About Mercury (Yes, the Planet)

Oh, Daily Mini, how we’ve missed you!  Especially because no other magazine combines such breathless idolatry of magazine editors with a healthy dose of what can only be described as nonsense.  Like this example from “The Fix” in the April issue:

Mercury went retrograde February 14-March 8.  Did you feel the pain?

Now, we don’t put much stock in astrology, so we were initially skeptical.  But as we read, we were nearly convinced by the Mini.  After all, what else but the planets themselves could have caused a tragedy of such massive (and obviously irreparable) proportions?

On February 18, passengers on Delta Flight 84 going from New York to Milan for Fashion Week were struck by Mercury mischief.  They sat on the chilly runway for more than 2 1⁄2 hours, then deplaned, switched gates, and waited another 90 minutes.

A runway icing over in February in the northeastern United States?  Why, that’s practically unheard of!  It couldn’t simply be normal weather conditions causing these kinds of problems.  Nope, it must be the motion of another planet entirely creating such wretched misfortune! 

Like delaying this particular flight wasn’t horrific enough, those rascally planets actually caused a model to miss some of her scheduled runway struts.  The nerve!

Rachel Alexander clutched her Chanel bag, crying because she was going to miss the next morning's shows.

Sniff!  We may need a Kleenex ourselves to get through the rest of this page.  The gall of Mercury to interfere with something as absolutely crucial as fashion!  Hal Rubenstein from InStyle and Kusum Lynn from Jane and a whole bunch of other people we’ve never heard of eventually landed in Italy a whopping six hours late.  Can you imagine the sheer volume of vital fashion they missed in that precious time?  Horrors!  Their careers are done for!

No?  They’re all still employed?  Nothing negative came of those six extra hours stuck stateside?

Sheesh.  Even more impressive than Mercury’s supposed powers is the Mini’s ability to blow a commonplace event completely out of proportion.  But don’t tell the folks at the Mini we said that; they’ll probably just blame it on our Scorpio personality.

InStyle: Comfort Doesn't Come Cheap

We’ve previously discussed  the complete lack of perspective apparent in the prices of items recommended by our favorite magazines, but InStyle’s “Luxe Liaison,” April, sets a new standard for price-unconsciousness.

Here’s what jeweler Neil Lane has to say about his new collections, which feature admittedly lovely multi-colored diamonds:

“Just toss it on,” says Lane, who works with countless red-carpet deities.  [Ed. note: Deities?  Kind of a stretch, no?]  “I wouldn’t be successful if I made complicated jewelry.  It’s about being comfortable.”

Because, you know, $95,000 earrings and $70,000 bracelets are the embodiment of comfort. Go ahead, toss on that $13,000 ring!  Never mind that you could buy a small piece of property or a few luxury cars with that kind of money.  Neil Lane’s designs are all about ease...oh, and cash.

InStyle Invents the Worst Word in Human History

We’ve previously lamented the recent penchant for adding a –y to transform a noun into an adjective, but as it turns out, we hadn’t seen anything yet.  This month, InStyle used a Sandra Bullock profile as an opportunity to create what is, by far, the worst amalgamation we have ever seen.  And we read every word of Lucky every month, but at least their made-up words don’t evoke mental images of anything other than an angry Noah Webster.  See for yourself:

From March’s “What Sandra Knows” by Phoebe Eaton:

But today, even in jeans and a ponytail and boots dusty from a nearby construction site, Bullock is still so…sexpotty.

Sexpotty?  Sexpotty? Did no editor see a problem with a word that manages to convey a squirm-inducing combination of sex and a first-grader asking the teacher for a hall pass?  And, sure, we realize some people enjoy the, uh, sexpotty, but we’re absolutely certain that’s not what Eaton is talking about here.  We’d like to think we aren’t likely to encounter a more appalling imaginary word any time soon—but then, we haven’t even cracked open the March issue of Lucky yet.

Previously: Sandra Bullock faced off with another magazine writer.  Think There Are No Stupid Questions?  Think Again, Glamour

Lowest Common Denominator: InStyle, February

1: Number of times the word “hottie” appears on the cover

2: Number of photographs of Hilary Swank in this issue that aren’t part of her cover story

$99: Price of the most expensive of the “Frugal Finds for Under $100”

3: Number of plays on the already-annoying nickname McDreamy in “Man of Style: Patrick Dempsey” (McDaddy, McSomething, McGeeky)

17: Number of actresses revealing their teenage crushes on male celebrities

0: Number of actors revealing their  crushes on female celebrities

8: Number of celebrity nuptials declared “Weddings of the Year”

1: Number of former couples whose marriage to a new spouse was included (Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman)

3: Number of items mentioned as necessary to transform America Ferrera into the titular character on Ugly Betty (wig, eyebrow extensions, braces)

8: Number of items found “Inside America Ferrera’s Makeup Bag”

5: Number of pages devoted to “Eat Right, Look Great,” explaining how nutrition and supplements can improve the look of skin and hair

18: Number of pages in the beauty section featuring skin and hair products and makeup

1: Number of truly questionable Valentine’s Day presents in “More Great Gifts…” (InStyle suggests a red-and-pink doormat—is a doormat really the right implication for a Valentine’s Day gift?)

Glamour Takes the Wrong Cues From Its Competitors

Looks like someone at Glamour has been reading the competition!  The evidence?  Check out the title of this fashion spread in February’s issue.

Clothes a Girl (and a Guy!) Can Love

A woman’s clothes should be man-approved?  That’s InStyle’s schtick.

Leave it to the women in your life to appreciate your trendy, complicated clothes; guys are always drawn to the simpler stuff.

Hey, it’s one of those overly simplified stereotype-reinforcing statements, the likes of which we’ve come to expect from Cosmopolitan.

Who’d have guessed that your standard jeans-y combos could look so irresistible?

And “jeans-y”?  Lifted straight out of the pages of Lucky.

Still, we have to give Glamour credit for improving our efficiency.   Instead of finding the things we dislike scattered across three different magazines, we only had to read one page.

InStyle's Mission: Saving Us From Spinsterhood

From InStyle’s “The Look,” February:

We’re also seeing a spike in the shoulders and a softer, more fluid reworking of last season’s mutton sleeves on schoolmarmish tops.  (You’re forgiven if you bought one, but you didn’t wear it on a date, did you?)  [emphasis ours]

Right.  How could we have forgotten?  We women are supposed to choose our clothing solely to look attractive to men, because our appearance is really the only thing we have to offer!  Nothing could be worse than wearing an unflattering mutton-sleeve top on a date, which almost certainly would doom us to dying alone and unloved.

Sheesh.  They are joking, right?

This isn’t InStyle’s first insinuation that women should dress to snare a man and that, without the proper clothing, garnering any kind of romantic attention would be nearly impossible.  Either they truly believe this garbage, or they just don’t know any better.  We don’t know which is worse.

InStyle: No, Famous People Aren't Like You At All

Ouch! The January issue of InStyle certainly put us in our place. Just in case we were harboring any illusions about the wealthy and well-known living lives even remotely similar to our own, along comes “The Lady Is A Trump,” a profile of Ivanka Trump, to disabuse us of our obviously ill-founded notions.  Turns out the rich and powerful have completely different meanings for the most commonplace of words.

For instance, Ivanka’s father, Donald Trump, weighs in on his daughter’s personality: 

“High-profile children get categorized,” says her dad.  “But people are always impressed by how down-to-earth Ivanka is.” 

Down-to-earth, huh? Perhaps the Trump family operates on a different definition of “down-to-earth.” Read on.

And she’s competitive too.  When a friend challenged her to a game of Monopoly, Trump had her assistant research strategies on a board-game Web site to ensure a swift victory. [bolding ours] 

Sheesh. Sounds like overkill to us, but what do we know? We don’t even have an assistant to help us cheat on matters of actual consequence, let alone someone to provide potentially unethical assistance with something as meaningless as a game of Monopoly.

We tend to think that “down-to-earth” doesn’t describe people who have their assistants help them win at board games, though clearly the Trumps don’t agree. Since InStyle already brings us the latest in celebrity fashion, they’re obviously giving us further insight into the lives of the famous by revealing the latest in celebrity vocabulary. Thanks, InStyle—that’s very helpful of you. (And that’s the celebrity use of “helpful,” which, to non-famous people like us, actually means “downright obnoxious.”)

Business as Usual: InStyle Elicits Insipid Celebrity Quotes

Reading every single celebrity quote in InStyle’s “See & Be Seen,” December, was a lot like trying to drink a gallon of milk. We didn’t think we could get through it without vomiting.

Fortunately, our worst fears went unrealized, though we did grow a tad nauseated at one point—really, how many Oscars does Hilary Swank have to win before she stops talking about growing up in poverty? At least one more, apparently.

Actually, the buckle on my shoe fell off today. My trailer-park days come in handy every once in a while…I took a lint roller and turned the sticky sheet inside out, then taped it around the buckle and colored over it with a black Sharpie.

Which, incidentally, may have been how she tried to fix her marriage when that fell apart.

Then there’s Mischa Barton:

“I’ve changed so many times in the back of the car, it’s ridiculous.”

Little-known fact:  Mischa Barton was hired for this Bebe campaign expressly because of her experience in changing in the backseats of limos.   After all, anyone who saw even a moment of The O.C. knows better than to expect her to act.

And here’s what another Hilary (what is it about that name?) had to say:

“It’s exciting but something you can handle only twice a year!”

Which, sadly, is only half as often as we’re expected to handle Hilary Duff.

InStyle: Where Stars Confess Sartorial Sins

Seems like every man has an opinion on the way women dress, and actor Terence Howard is no exception. He weighs in on the matter in InStyle’s “Man of Style,” December:

“Women’s fashion seems to have gone too far. Women have lost their modesty. They shouldn’t be showing half their bosom to the world. I find modesty attractive.”

Know what we find attractive? Men who don’t feel compelled to make pronouncements about women in general based on how a few dress.

Still, we think he might actually know something about women’s apparel. Why? Because Terence Howard carries a purse.

No, really.

“It’s a purse,” Terence Howard insists. “But it’s my purse.”

Let’s strike a deal, Terence: Until you graduate from women’s accessories to women’s clothes, you can’t pass judgment on how we dress. We will, however, happily consider your opinion on handbags.

Picking Your Perfect Cliché with Help from InStyle

One of the main criticisms of fashion magazines is that, by being overly reductive, the mags reinforce stereotypes. We can’t exactly disagree when faced with evidence like InStyle’s “The Ultimate Fragrance Guide,” November:

Find a Perfume to Fit Your Personality

And—how convenient!—InStyle has provided us with a list of all four personality possibilities for women. They are:

Romantic

This is supposed to cover most women, we think. Because we’re all waiting for a bare-chested guy on a horse to sweep us off our feet.

Bohemian

Otherwise known as the people still wearing broomstick skirts.

Fashionista

Except true fashionistas read Vogue and W, so they’ll never see this feature anyway.

Sporty Gal

Gal?  Because those athletic types aren’t women—there has to be a distinct term for them.

We’d write more about these tidy little boxes InStyle has delineated for us, but we’re going to be busy the rest of the day figuring out which one fits us best.  Which personality type most dislikes being squeezed into someone else’s idea of femininity?

InStyle Provides Lohan a Much-Needed Forum

Every time we dare to think we’re a Type-A personality, along comes someone like Lindsay Lohan to take the wind from our sails.

Here’s what she told InStyle’s Suzanne Zuckerman in “Lindsay Lohan…Lets Us In,” November, about her life plan:

“I want to get married before I’m 30,” she says. “And have my house. And make the kind of record I want. And I’d like to win an Oscar before then.”

We’re not sure how the “all night heavy partying” contributes to these goals, but we suddenly feel so ashamed that we don’t want an Academy Award or even a record deal. Call us underachievers, but our dream is quite simple: we long for the day that Lindsay no longer commands magazine covers, or at least appears on them with far less frequency. (In the last several months alone, she’s been on Allure, W, Elle, Bazaar, and Cosmopolitan.) Is a little moderation too much too ask?

InStyle: Fashion Inspires Actress to Idiocy

Has Sandra Oh grown so accustomed to writers crafting all her dialogue that she’s lost the ability to speak sensibly?  Take a look at the evidence from InStyle’s “Jersey Girl,” October:

“I love this dress so much that I could fall backward onto the West Side Highway and still be OK,” says Oh, standing on a balcony in New York’s Greenwich Village.

We agree that the Donna Karan dress in the picture is divine, but dying for it seems rather extreme. Sheesh, lady, have some standards—at least hold out for a Prada.

And then, two pages later, she says this:

“…I love wearing just one shoe.”

Right, because there are so many occasions where one sports only one shoe. And it’s so easy to walk that way, too!

We can only imagine what inane words might have spouted forth had Sandra managed to wear the suicide-inspiring Donna Karan with only one shoe, but we’re pretty sure her comments would have completely lacked a sense of perspective. Or any sense at all.

Photo of Sandra Oh presumably wearing two shoes courtesy of DailyCeleb

InStyle: Sorry, Scarlett and Keira Were Busy

From InStyle’s “The World’s Gone Mini,” September:

…Marley Shelton is a maxi girl in a mini world. The 32-year-old actress, who has reached a certain stature in movieland…

“A certain stature”? We take that to mean “no stature except for that granted by repeatedly appearing in magazines,” because otherwise there would be no reason to explain exactly how famous she is in such nebulous terms. No one ever refers to Reese Witherspoon having achieved a “certain stature.”

There aren’t a lot of ways to describe someone who, like Ms. Shelton, is nearly anonymous despite having amassed more than 40 film and television credits and yet still justify her presence in a fashion spread. If they can’t call her famous, calling her something vague and indefinite is apparently the only way to go. 

Short of booking someone legitimately famous for the shoot, that is.

Photo courtesy of DailyCeleb.com

InStyle Still Allowing the Famous to Make Regrettable Revelations

Continuing the parade of celebrities who say too much to journalists (just wait until we check out Britney Spears in Bazaar), Eva Mendes shoots her mouth off to InStyle’s “Guilty Pleasures,” August:

“I’ll eat two Cup Noodles while sitting in bed watching Oprah…”

Okay, at least the requisite see-how-normal-I-am comment is out of the way.

“…Friends call me Horsey…”

Interesting that she would allow her friends to call her Horsey.  That isn’t exactly a compliment.

“…and an ex-boyfriend called me a shrew because that animal can eat twice its body weight.”

And now we almost feel sorry for her.  Eva, honey, are you sure that he was referring to your eating habits when he called you a shrew?

Even more baffling is that this was all one quote, as if being bestowed with mocking nicknames has anything to do with snacking on the preferred food of broke college students while watching the weepiest show on television. Well, on second thought, it probably does.

Witness the epidemic of celebrities who neglect to think before they speak: InStyle: Where Cringe-Worthy Quotes Are a Good Thing; Summer Fashion Made Far Too Simple at InStyle

Photo of the always-glamourous Eva Mendes courtesy of DailyCeleb

InStyle: Where Cringe-Worthy Quotes Are a Good Thing

It’s a distressingly frequent occurrence that, when talking to reporters, the famous reveal the Mariana Trench-like depths of their stupidity. However, it’s rare that we get two astonishingly bone-headed quotes on the same page—from two different stars.

For that, we are forever grateful to InStyle’s “Scene + Heard,” July, and specifically page 127. Let’s start with Click-er Kate Beckinsale discussing her Nina Ricci gown (that’s her wearing it, right):

“I ate my entire dinner, including the cake, and it still fits. This is a huge feat of engineering!”

Um, no, Kate, it isn’t a cleverly engineered frock. It’s simply a dress that fits properly. If you ever managed to consume normal adult-sized portions, you’d know that—contrary to what your stylist, publicist, and trainer may have told you—eating a regular meal doesn’t actually make your stomach expand to the point that anyone else would even notice.

And on the touchy subject of eating, Poseidon star Josh Lucas weighed in on a favorite place to do so in New York City:

“I live in Tribeca. Mr. Chow is here now, thank God. Finally!”

How ever did he manage to survive without Mr. Chow?  As a sort-of-famous person, Josh leads a life of privilege. It must have been incredibly difficult for him to live in a neighborhood lacking something so vital as a pricey place for scallops. Having to take a cab all the way up to the restaurant’s 57th Street outpost just to drop a few Benjamins on dinner? What an intolerable burden! As if being that guy who looks like Matthew McConaughey, only not nearly as attractive, isn’t horrific enough.

These two celebs—and, we’ve seen, countless others—gather at charity events to raise money for the less fortunate, but who’s working to help them? Our moral duty is clear: we need to do something to help these celebs sound intelligent, though, sadly, engendering actual intelligence in these people is far beyond our meager capabilities.  Perhaps we should host a gala to raise money for what is obviously a worthwhile cause.

Photo of Kate Beckinsale and her amazing dress from DailyCeleb.com; photo of Josh Lucas courtesy of Style.com

Summer Fashion Made Far Too Simple at InStyle

InStyle queried various celebrities in “What’s Hot Now,” June, for their answers to a, er, burning question. Here’s what Jennifer Esposito claimed was her summer essential.

“I love a great sundress and a great sandal. And I love being tan. It’s so bad for you, but you can wear a paper bag and if you have a tan you still look good.”

A tan and a paper bag! Could summer fashion be any simpler or more environmentally friendly? Paper bags are tremendous—they’re inexpensive, disposable, and available in a wide range of shades of brown. Why didn’t the fashion visionaries at InStyle tell us about this great new look earlier?

Next month, the magazine will tell us exactly how much wrinkle-inducing exposure to UV rays is needed to exactly match your skin to the shade of your favorite paper bag-cum-evening gown. It’s the easiest summer look yet!

Photo of Jennifer Esposito—is that a spray-on tan, we wonder?—courtesy of DailyCeleb

InStyle: Featuring Stars You've Already Grown Tired Of

Hey, has anyone heard about this hot new actress, Lindsay Lohan? Next month, she’ll appear in A Prairie Home Companion, which is slated to be a star-making role for her.

At least InStyle thinks she’s on the rise.  The magazine featured her, alongside Badgley Mischka’s début sunglass collection and a book that hasn’t even been released yet, in “What’s Hot Now,” June, as one of the “five things on our radar this month.” 

Meryl Streep, Tommy Lee Jones, Kevin Kline and…Lindsay Lohan? Yep, the teen queen joins some of Hollywood’s most established actors in Robert Altman’s A Prairie Home Companion, a film inspired by Garrison Keillor’s radio show of the same name.

We just love these exclusive Hollywood details!  We feel like total Tinseltown insiders.  And how magnanimous of them to champion hard-working but heretofore unknown actors. Good thing InStyle apprised us of this upcoming actress—we’re quite certain we’d have never heard of her otherwise.

Photo courtesy of—wait for it—InStyle’s own website

Actress Stricken with Bizarre Fashion-Related Ailment, Warns InStyle

From InStyle’s “Wild About Debra,” May:

“I’m fascinated by diamonds,” says [Debra] Messing. “My friend says there’s actually magic in them, and the wearer gets infused with it. I believe her. When I put diamonds on, my hands start to shake.”

Messing went on to mention that Dior gowns create shortness of breath, Manolos cause an unsightly breakout of hives, and Judith Lieber bags induce an embarrassing amount of excessive perspiration.

Unfortunately, there is not yet a cure for this terrible condition, but similarly afflicted starlets need not fret: we’re sure a benefit will be held soon. Until a treatment is found, however, actresses are advised to remain calm and practice yogic breathing techniques; furthermore, they should not, under any circumstances, indulge their overpowering desire to snap up the entire Isaac Mizrahi spring line from Target.  That might give the public the surely erroneous impression that their adverse reactions to luxury items are due to the absurd cost and are not actually caused by a yet-to-be-discovered ailment necessitating a black-tie fundraising event. 

InStyle Strips Actor of Dignity, Dating Secrets

From InStyle’s “Man of Style,” April, featuring Aaron Eckhart:

I don’t always want to be the bad guy.  I am interested in being loving and kind and getting the girl and having a family.  I would love to have the chance to be romantic [offscreen too].  I have that in me.  I am interested in meeting a kind, smart and ambitious woman.

Full disclosure: We love Aaron Eckhart.  Really.  We even saw Thank You for Smoking on its opening day.   But there’s this little thing called dignity, and right now, we wish he had some.  Doesn’t he think it’s a wee bit tacky to use InStyle as a de facto dating service? Isn’t it just a little sad for a national magazine to print his private pining?

Besides, does this make any sense at all?  He’s a handsome, successful actor.  He claims to always be on time!  He makes pasta from scratch!  Since when is any “kind, smart and ambitious” woman averse to a man like this?

Oh, when he advertises for dates in InStyle.  Mystery solved.

InStyle: Inspiring Envy and an Extremely Long Sentence

From InStyle’s “The High Life,” April:

The winners in the “Life Isn’t Fair” sweepstakes: TV host Gabrielle Reece and her husband, surfer Laird Hamilton (read on and weep)

Thanks ever so much for clarifying that these two are extraordinary, InStyle, and for warning us that the feature might inspire envy.  We were momentarily confused by the burning feelings of jealousy we experienced as we read about the couple’s custom home on Hawaii’s best surf break—they can leave the windows open during a storm and not get rain in the house!—since every other page of the magazine is devoted to the perfectly ordinary people who appear in movies and the affordable, accessible designer couture clothing and accessories they sport while attending everyday events like movie premieres and awards shows.

Anyway, we sincerely appreciate your concern.

Photo courtesy of DailyCeleb

InStyle: Blame Men for Uncomfortable Shoes

We have never encountered a man as obsessed with women’s shoes as InStyle’s Hal Rubinstein apparently is. Granted, it’s his job.  Still, take a look at this confusing—and confused—paragraph from March’s “The Look”:

Despite their ridiculously sexy appeal, or maybe because of it, stilettos are forever damned as one of men’s most diabolical inventions in the never-ending quest to ensnare women in male fantasies.

Damned stilettos?  Men being diabolical?  We don’t even know what that sentence means, but we’re totally on board. 

Fine.  But who are you going to blame for these towering totterers?

Men.  That’s who he just said was to blame for those other uncomfortable shoes, right?

We’ll bet a trunkful of Manolos that you can’t find one man who has ever said to his honey, “Why not get out those stacked platforms I love so much.”

We’ll bet a trunkful of Manolos that the vast majority of men never even comment on—or notice—the shoes worn by their “honey,” stacked platforms or not.  Which is why blaming men may be problematic. 

They don’t think that way.  But women do.

Hal, you’re confusing us again.  But never mind—once we’ve collected our bounty of Blahniks, we’ll never consider this matter again.  At least until the next time you bring it up.

Further corroboration of Hal Rubinstein’s obsession: As If He Even Looks At Your Shoes

Frankly, Scarlett, Your Outfit Is a Bit Much

From InStyle’s “Instant Style: Getaway Gear,” February:

Southern Sojourn
Forget the parasol and hold the mint julep.  The self-styled belle prefers clothes that display just a hint of feminine charm.

Does that mean hoop skirts, corsets, and crinolines are out of style as well?  If that’s the case, then we have absolutely nothing to wear.

Saving the Planet, One Celebrity Wedding at a Time

We don’t want to challenge anyone’s beliefs, but we’re not quite sold on David Moscow and Kerry Washington’s commitment to environmental causes as detailed in InStyle’s “Head Over Heels,” February:

The couple…plan to make it an environmentally conscious affair.  “We’re into less consumption,” says Washington.  “I may wear my mother’s dress.”

What a great idea to help conserve the earth’s natural resources!  Since, you know, the planet is running dangerously low on Vera Wang bridal gowns. 

Photo courtesy of DailyCeleb

But Will She Connect with His Personalities?

From InStyle’s “Going for It,” January:

...[Vivica A.] Fox is in love again.  “I’ve been going out with this great person,” she says.  “We never argue, we like to go to the spa, we like to have a glass of merlot after work.  We never complain about how high the credit card bills are...Her name is Vivica.  And when I meet a guy that can get along with me and Vivica, it will be a beautiful thing.”

And if she meets a guy who can put up with her referring to herself in the third person and as a completely different person--simultaneously--it will indeed be a beautiful thing.  We suspect it will also be nearly impossible, considering we found it contrived and obnoxious after just a few sentences.  Sorry, Vivica, but we’ll skip the glass of merlot.

Photo courtesy of DailyCeleb