3: Number of consecutive Glamour covers featuring blonde reality stars: Lauren Conrad, Carrie Underwood, and now Julianne Hough, who miraculously survived the glitter factory explosion depicted on the cover.
Less than zero: Likelihood that I will ever use Glamour's Word of the Month, "frizzle," because using it would take more explanation than simply saying "There's just enough precipitation to make my hair frizz" and it'd require the admission that I take Glamour's suggestions seriously.
27: Page on which Avengers star Cobie Smulders propagates some gender-essentialist bullshit, saying you talk about your period and "where we are in life" with women, and talk about movies with men. Movies like, oh, Avengers? Which had a 40 percent female audience?
4: Nearly naked aspiring Olympic swimmers pictured in this issue. Do what you will with that information.
Amounts so vast even Neil deGrasse Tyson couldn't quantify them: How much I hate the skirt-over-dress look that Glamour incessantly includes in "The Month in Outfits." Isn't the whole point of a dress that you don't need to wear more clothes with it?
Not a single one: Fucks given about Taylor Tomasi Hill at Glamour HQ, apparently. They actually wrote "Google her" in the subhead for "‘What Inspires Me,' by Taylor Tomasi Hill." Seriously? You can't just tell me why you put her in the magazine?
0.2 percent: Likelihood that any tweet tagged with the Glamour-invented hashtag "#prettygirlproblems" is, in fact, a problem. Young women of America, please don't lie awake nights because you're a "brow newbie."
SPECIAL COMMENTARY ON GLAMOUR'S TOPIC OF THE MONTH, ORAL SEX
27: Percent of men surveyed by Glamour who "would rather get a blow job tonight than a raise at work."
27: Percent of men surveyed by Glamour who need to learn to play the long game.
20: Age of a man quoted as saying "I know a lot of guys who are pretty proud of going down on a woman."
Infinite: My joy that I will never again have to date 20-year-old men. #smugmarried
END SPECIAL COMMENTARY ON GLAMOUR'S TOPIC OF THE MONTH, ORAL SEX
Zero, no wait, one: Words I can bring myself to write about the profile of Julianne Hough. And the word is dullsville. I suspect the interview was actually conducted with Hough's publicist.
102: Page on which Glamour declares "Yep, He [Channing Tatum] Was a Stripper"
115, or equivalent to a sandblaster: Approximate decibel level at which I yelled, YES I KNOW I DON'T LIVE IN A CAVE I'VE READ THAT 327 TIMES IN THE LAST THREE WEEKS.
+100: Serious, sincere bonus points to Glamour for using a real-sized woman in "Feel-Good Allover Beauty" and not even once patting themselves on the back for being so inclusive. More like this, please.
7th: Item in a list of "Eleven Things You Can Only Get Away With in Summer" wherein Glamour advises "Shimmer. Everywhere." Well, that explains the cover.