Elle

Magazines Acknowledge The Cost of Clothes: A Recession Fashion Rundown

So, the U.S. is teetering on the brink of a recession. While there is a smattering of financial advice scattered throughout the July issues, the magazines focus on something far more important than investments and job security: looking good! Priorities! The best investment to weather an economic crisis is, apparently, your wardrobe. I’m no financial expert, but based on what’s in the magazines this month, I will say this: If Forever 21 ever goes public, buy.

Nearly all the magazines offer looks at lower prices, but considering the source, lower-priced is not necessarily low-end. Here’s a breakdown of the style sticker shock:

Bazaar

One page of “Hottest, Newest, Latest” is devoted to “fashion at AFFORDABLE prices.” It was wise to emphasize the word “affordable,” because otherwise—well, see for yourself.

Total number of deals: 6

Their idea of dirt cheap: A $69 Banana Republic scarf

Most expensive bargain: A $395 Elie Tahari clutch

Cheapest item elsewhere in the magazine: $140 J. Crew flats

Priciest item elsewhere in the magazine: A $450,000 Neil Lane for De Beers bracelet

Item whose price makes me question the wisdom of capitalism: A $46,650 Balenciaga dress. No, it isn’t woven from gold. Why do you ask?


Cosmopolitan

“How to Shop Summer Sales” blends fashion with suggestions to befriend a saleswoman and keep your receipts for price adjustments. Original!

Total number of deals: 14

Their idea of dirt cheap: A $49 dress from Macy’s

Most expensive bargain: A $158 necklace, Marc by Marc Jacobs

Cheapest item elsewhere in the magazine: $48 DKNY jeans

Priciest item elsewhere in the magazine: A $575 3.1 Philip Lim dress

Item whose price makes me question the wisdom of capitalism: Cosmo neglects to list prices for the most expensive items, like the YSL cardigan worn by a model riding a jetski. Where else would you wear such a sweater?

Elle_july_marykate_olsen_2

Elle

An eight-page spread, “Le Cheap, C’est Chic!,” is annoyingly teased on the cover with the line “No She Didn’t!” Because, you know, spending less than $150 on an item of clothing is totally a novel lifestyle choice and not a necessity!

Total number of deals: Who can tell what Elle thinks is “cheap”? They’ve got Forever 21 mixed with Burberry.

Their idea of dirt cheap: A $6 bead necklace and, the fashion find of the century, a $7 Hanes t-shirt. Thanks for uncovering that hidden gem, Elle!

Most expensive bargain: Elle’s “inexpensive” clothes are paired with thousands of dollars of jewelry, as if that’s the only way to redeem them. The highest-priced piece in “Le Cheap” is a $3,990 diamond ring.

Cheapest item elsewhere in the magazine: $48 Levi’s denim shorts worn by Mary-Kate Olsen

Priciest item elsewhere in the magazine: A $5,600 Marchesa satin dress

Item whose price makes me question the wisdom of capitalism: Ludicrous $300 square sunglasses by Luella by Linda Farrow. People aren’t actually going to buy those, right? Right?


Glamour

Bargains are splashed across one page, “Summery work stuff—all less than $40,” and a high-low feature, “Your Summer Extras.”

Total number of deals: 12 for sure; the high-low feature doesn’t designate what is what. A $40 scarf could go either way.

Their idea of dirt cheap: A $10 Shop Suey ring

Most expensive bargain: A $70 Roberta Freymann tote (assuming this is what counts for low-end in Glamour’s universe. Since another page in the same story features a $795 straw hat, I think it must.)

Cheapest item elsewhere in the magazine: A $25 Chinese Laundry belt

Priciest item elsewhere in the magazine: The $12,000 Louis Vuitton Speedy mentioned here

Item whose price makes me question the wisdom of capitalism: Gotta be that hat.


InStyle

An anemic single page is devoted to “Deals & Steals.”

Total number of deals: 7

Their idea of dirt cheap: $14 aviator sunglasses by Shop Suey

Most expensive bargain: A $139 MNG by Mango dress

Cheapest item elsewhere in the magazine: An $18 American Apparel t-shirt

Priciest item elsewhere in the magazine: An $88,000 Van Cleef and Arpels ring

Item whose price makes me question the wisdom of capitalism: An $18,000 Donna Karan crocodile bag. It’s just a purse.


Lucky

An entire feature, “The Season’s Best Looks Under $100,” is given over to low-price style.

Total number of deals: 67

Their idea of dirt cheap: An $18 Mossimo for Target top

Most expensive bargain: Tie: at $99, a “tiered maxiskirt” by WDNY International and a Tommy Hilfiger cotton dress

Cheapest item elsewhere in the magazine: A $7 Metro 7 tank top

Priciest item elsewhere in the magazine: A $1,465 bracelet by Steven Dweck

Item whose price makes me question the wisdom of capitalism: Chanel charges $1,225 for a belt. A belt! I regret not launching a career in luxury fashion.


Marie Claire

They’ve spread the discounts throughout: there’s one page of “101 Ideas,” one page of “Splurge vs. Steal,” and a feature, “Black & White,” that’s high-low.

Total number of deals: 40

Their idea of dirt cheap: $7 Hue socks (Thanks, Marie Claire, I was really overspending on socks.)

Most expensive bargain: $300 Marciano shoes (worn with the $7 Hue socks, natch)

Cheapest item elsewhere in the magazine: $5.80 Forever 21 sunglasses

Priciest item elsewhere in the magazine: An $18,800 Cartier ring

Item whose price makes me question the wisdom of capitalism: A Chanel top and skirt set that retails for the low, low price of $10,745.


Self

Looks like all the clothes shown in the  fashion features under $100, which is excellent.

Total number of deals: 100, according to the cover

Their idea of dirt cheap: It’s a tie at $8 for a Forever 21 necklace and Old Navy earrings

Most expensive bargain: Another tie, this one at $99, for a Nahui Ollin tote, an RJ Graziano necklace, and a $99 Tommy Hilfiger clutch. Those are special prices for Self readers, however, so this hews dangerously close to cheating.

Cheapest item elsewhere in the magazine: See above for $8 jewelry.

Priciest item elsewhere in the magazine: That tank top Anne Hathaway is wearing on the cover? Yeah. It’s $845, and she’s wearing it with necklaces whose combined total is $5,300.

Item whose price makes me question the wisdom of capitalism: $49 jelly shoes, but probably only because I’m old enough to remember buying jellies the first time around.

Vogue_july_nicole_kidman_2

Vogue

In “The Economists,” Vogue editors offer “inspired finds under $500 (plus one key investment piece).” Oh, thank god, because I needed help to find clothes that cost so little.

Total number of deals: 31, not counting the home décor and investment pieces

Their idea of dirt cheap: A $127 Sykes London belt

Most expensive bargain: Seven items retail for $495, including a John Varvatos coat, a Moschino Cheap and Chic skirt, and a  3.1 Philip Lim dress. (You didn’t think they’d go four whole pages without mentioning Lim, did you?)

Cheapest item elsewhere in the magazine: A $150 YSL dickey

Priciest item elsewhere in the magazine: A $16,600 Cartier watch

Item whose price makes me question the wisdom of capitalism: Hands down, the dickeys were the most egregiously priced items I saw in any of the magazines. Vogue featured two: a $150 YSL version and a $395 Prada one. That’s an awful lot of scratch for something that isn’t even a real shirt.

Elle: Skin Care Routine Goes Beyond the Pale

In Elle’s June issue, writer Elizabeth Hayt advocates a life ruled by the pursuit of perfect, sun-free skin. As she explains in “Something New Under the Sun,” she’s upended her existence to rehabilitate her tanned hide. Is it worth such sweeping reform to attain the look of a “Bain de Soleil girl who failed”? There’s only one way to find out! This is a step-by-step guide to the Hayt skin care regimen.

1. Find a mercilessly blunt boyfriend to jump-start your lifestyle change. Elle_june_rihanna

“You’re going to look reptilian if you keep on baking,” he warned with brutal honesty. “Once your skin ages, it gets crepey, and that’s a real turnoff because you’ll turn into a premature hag…”

What a charmer. There’s more:

“...and you’ll have to keep adding tan over tan because what looks worse is untanned overly tanned skin…”

What? That doesn’t even make sense.

“…I love virginal skin…”

Red flag! Hello!

2. Get ready to shop, but only online or after dark.

Hayt purchased these items to ease her into a tanning-free existence: Guerlain bronzing powder, which “got me through the fadeout phase, sparing me the sallow complexion of a consumptive”; Photoderm Max SPF 100, a sunscreen not yet approved by the FDA; “a wardrobe of wide-brim, coolie-style hats and gauzy long-sleeve tunics,” linen shawls, scarves, and cardigans to wear backwards over low-cut dresses (instead of, you know, dresses with a higher neckline); and SPF 50 parasols from New York boutique Rain or Shine, which retail for $95-$245 apiece.

3. Reconfigure your commitments to become what Hayt so pleasantly terms a “mole person.” Sacrifice is key to a sunless lifestyle.

I remained indoors from 10 a.m. till 4 p.m., the peak hours of the poisonous rays, and during daylight hours I refused to swim outdoors or even ride in open convertibles…I went so far as to reprogram my circadian rhythms in order to become a high-functioning nocturnal being. [emphasis mine]

4. Seek a dermatologist whom your grandchildren won’t mind being indebted to. 

For the past 11 years, I have been consumed by all procedures and devices of cosmetic medicine that promise to revitalize my subdermal layers of decrepitude. To be clear, I’m not referring to plastic surgery and injections of Botox, fat, Hylaform, Perlane, Restylane, Juvederm, or the like—all of which are part of my current repertoire

....I underwent a four-month course of monthly microdermabrasion followed by chemical peels made with TCA, or trichloroacetic acid (it smarts!), and daily use of his private-label creams…

Lo and behold, after following [the doctor’s] regimen for 16 weeks, it happened: I got the postorgasmic glow even when I hadn’t earned it. [emphasis mine]

5. Finally, develop a cliché-ridden rationale for your extreme devotion to avoiding the sun’s poisonous rays.

Your talking points, cribbed directly from Hayt: The procedures are a “commitment to me”; “The bottom line is, I do judge a book by its cover”; and “First impressions do count.” Got it!

Follow these simple steps, and you too can follow Hayt’s lead in “[rising] to the challenge of aging beautifully.” She may be a “self-confessed narcissist and perfectionist” who never leaves her house during the day, but she is radiant!

Glossed Over Book Club: Jean Godfrey-June's Free Gift with Purchase, The Merciful End

So, this Jean Godfrey-June book ?  It goes on for an awful long time about lunches.  Sometimes companies serve lavish midday meals at fancy restaurants in order to garner good press!  Real shocker there.  And there are about forty-seven explanations of why she hates having her picture taken.  And then there are a billion pages—approximately—describing various levels of intrigue she faced during her tenure at Elle, which might have been interesting, except that every player is saddled with a cumbersome code name like “Above theFree_gift_with_purchase_jgj Fray.”  The French execs at the magazine try to use European photo shoots in the American edition, and Above the Fray tussles with Eminence Grise and the Playboy and the Fashionista, and, well, there’s a reason we don’t watch daytime soap operas.

We can barely get through the one page she pens in Lucky, so it was clearly expecting too much that we’d be entertained all the way through a 271-page book that consists entirely of poorly organized personal anecdotes and impossible-to-execute beauty tips.  (We tried that concealer stripe, by the way.  No dice.)

All we really wanted out of this book was dirt about Lucky and/or Kim France. And now that we've read every single page, some of them twice because they were so incomprehensible, we’ve compiled a list, based mostly on the book’s final chapter, of the details we gleaned.  We hope that these small morsels of information will be enough to prevent all of you from undertaking the onerous task of reading Free Gift with Purchase.

1. Jean’s office at the magazine is “private-but-not-exactly-private.”  We don’t know what that means either!  Apparently, Jean is so confident in her descriptive abilities that she doesn’t feel the need to expound on this.

2. Speaking of nebulous descriptions:

If Kim uses the word perfect to describe someone, it’s not a good sign.  “She’s overperfect!” Kim once said of an impeccable, extremely fashiony [agh!] staff member, who, incidentally, ejected herself early on.  (There are plenty of superhot gals at Lucky, don’t get me wrong, by perfect I mean that smug, overly groomed, tucked-and-folded-scarf thing that some pretty girls feel enhances their attractiveness.)

3. In a departure from the magazine world’s status quo, the fashion department is “not mean.”  What a ringing endorsement!

4. Kim France has banned the use of certain words in the magazine, which explains why they feel the need to make up new ones!

…we ripped through “bohemian” in the first year; “glamorous” and “amazing” are currently on the endangered list.  “Fashionista” has been banned from the start.

5. Flattery will get you everywhere at Lucky.

Kim is smart smart smart and beautiful and successful (I know, it’s kissing up to the boss, but it’s true)...

6. We believe this claim is a blatant lie:

My test for any piece of writing I’m involved with is known around the office as the “Say this aloud to your smartest friend” test.  Would the friend look at you as if you were crazy?  Don’t write it that way, then.

Really?  Really?  Either Jean doesn’t know anyone who’s very smart, or her friends have a high tolerance for insanity.

7. Finally, Jean once attempted to wear a pair of mold-encrusted shoes to party.  Which, presumably, is why she’s writing about makeup and not about fashion.

Next up in the Glossed Over book club? Falling Out of Fashion, written by Jane Pratt’s former assistant Karen Yampolsky, is the almost-true tale of the editor-in-chief of Sassy and Jane magazines.  We don’t want to give too much away, but we can tell you this much: editorial wunderkind Jill White has an absolutely stellar assistant! 

At Least One Person is Pleased by Elle's Redesign

Do magazines fabricate the letters to the editor?  We don’t know, but the staff at Elle might want to be more judicious if they want to eradicate any suspicion.  The November issue includes this outlandishly enthusiastic missive.Elle_november_scarlett_johansson

I can’t tell you how much I loved the redesign!  I couldn’t believe my eyes!  The fashion spreads look so up to date, and as usual the intelligent articles kept me entertained for hours.  I am glad you upgraded without losing your core.  Looking forward to what is to come, and I praise you on a job well done.

Tiffany, via e-mail

“Via e-mail”?  How convenient!  No last name or location!  No way to Google to see if the letter writer actually exists

So if “Tiffany” is this excited about a few graphic design alterations, how worked up does she get about changes that, you know, actually have an effect on her life?  We can’t imagine, but maybe that’s because we’re distracted by Elle’s new page numbers—they look exactly like the numerals that once adorned the pages of Jane.  Or because any time we say we “can’t believe our eyes,” we mean it in the worst possible sense.

We Read It So You Don't Have To: Reese Witherspoon Won't Discuss Her Shoes With Elle

This is how “Wild at Heart,” Elle’s interview with Reese Witherspoon (October), begins: 

She has class, sass, and a gorgeous…laugh.  Reese Witherspoon is living proof that the South always rises again.

And this is the first paragraph in the story:Elle_october_reese_witherspoon

“The fact that you’re drinking is making me very, very happy,” Reese Witherspoon says, eyeing the glass of white wine on the table.  “I think it’s great to drink in the middle of the day.  I would join you, but I gotta drive to pick up the kids.  You’re taking taxis everywhere.  You could get drunk!”  This cracks her up.  “You could go from appointment to appointment highly, highly smashed!”

Uh, yeah, that’s hilarious. Where’s the class and sass?  Not on display in this article!  Instead, she comes off like...well, like writer Holly Millea had trouble getting her to discuss anything at all.

For instance:

“I am.  I’m fun.  I can be really fun.  I can tell we’d have a lot of fun if the tape was off.”

But, apparently, the recorder was on for an agonizingly long time.  We just can’t find the fun in this joke, which is oh-so-helpfully presented entirely without context:

“Why do Southern women make bad prostitutes?” she asks, answering: “’Cuz we have to write so many thank-you notes!”  This sends her into stitches.  It’s her mother’s favorite joke.  “And so true!”

We aren’t sure if we’re more confused by the punch line or by the appearance of “cuz” in print.

“I was excited for the red shoes [she wore to the Golden Globes],” admits Witherspoon, whose idea it was to wear them.  Asked why, she smiles like a cat and blinks.  “I don’t have a good answer for that.”

Why doesn’t she have an answer?  Probably because no one in the history of the celebrity profile has bothered to ask an Oscar-winning actress why she wanted to wear red shoes.   They were red!   Her dress was yellow!  The shoes and dress were color-coordinated, and the pairing was smashing.  That should be reason enough, and if it isn’t, we simply can’t muster up the energy to care why she chose those shoes.  Or is there some interviewer-interviewee subtext we’re missing?

Speaking of that Oscar…

“It’s real purty on my bookcase…”

“Purty”?

Want to know about Witherspoon’s childhood?  Here’s a charming story:

“My dad has pulled so many gross things out of ear canals,” she says, thrilling to the ickiness.  “You don’t want to know.  You wouldn’t want to sleep tonight.  Bugs!  Bugs!  They scrape on your eardums!”  With a crazed look she uses an index finger to illustrate.  “Can you imagine how excruciating that must be?”

Well, if reading about it is anywhere as excruciating as experiencing it…

And then there’s the closing quote.  Witherspoon is talking about Splendor in the Grass.  She’s quoted for several sentences in which she describes the end of the film, because, you know, revelations about a movie from 1961 will have to suffice in lieu of actual revelations about the subject of the profile.  Then she says this:

“You know when you realize that movies don’t always have happy endings and maybe that is a happy ending?”

And that’s the abrupt conclusion of the article, which was definitely a happy ending for us.

Scoping Out September Issues: Elle

Elle_september_lindsay_lohan

The issue weighs: 2.8 pounds

Issue thickness: a robust three-quarters of an inch

Who’s on the cover: Lindsay Lohan, rocking a dead-eyed stare and hair and skin that are the same color. Not attractive!  Love the dress, though.

Number of words on the cover: 127 (Guess the “newly enhanced” design by Joe Zee, making its debut in this issue, doesn’t involve reducing the amount of text crammed onto the cover.)

Who bought the back cover: Chanel’s Coco Mademoiselle fragrance, featuring Keira Knightley

Number of ad pages between the cover and the table of contents: 80. Celebs appearing in those pages include Scarlett Johansson for Louis Vuitton; Kerry Washington for L’Oreal; Sarah Silverman, Selma Blair, Lucy Liu, Regina King, and Twyla Tharp for Gap;  and Rihanna for Cover Girl.  Also up front, not one but two Kate Moss campaigns, for Versace and David Yurman.

Total number of pages: 592

How many of those pages are ads: 398, about 67 percent

Most schadenfreude-inducing cover line: Duh.

Exclusive! The Lindsay Lohan Interview

“I’m glad I went to rehab—I need to get away from everyone, and I didn’t know how”

Subscription cards: a measly 3

Cosmetic samples: 2 fragrance testers (Dior J’adore and Fendi Palazzo)

Is it portable? At nearly 3 pounds, we say no.  And even if it were a more purse-friendly size, would you really want to lug Lohan’s prematurely aged mug around?  We certainly do not. 

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year!

You know, the time of year when just a few morsels of information about the September issues have leaked.  Lucky_september_sarah_michelle_gell It’s enough temptation to have us making daily newsstand visits in anticipation, and well before the actual magazines come out and we’re bombarded with sneeze-inducing perfume strips, a flurry of subscription cards, and, well, disappointment.

Just Jared has a preview Lucky’s September cover, which features Sarah Michelle Gellar.  Where’s she been?  We love the plum color.  We adore the outfit.  And we are genuinely appreciative that SMG is neither totally repulsive nor completely overexposed.

Elle could take a lesson from Lucky in that regard—the September issue will feature Lindsay Lohan for the second year in a row.  Apparently serving a failed stint in rehab, chasing a personal assistant through the streets of L.A., and starring in a wretched movie qualify a person for the cover of a major magazine.  With standards that low, we expect to be elected president on our 35th birthday.

But we digress.  Back to Lucky: The pose is unspeakably awkward. And the very concept of 971 “absolute must-haves”?  Please.  No one’s closet—or budget—is that big.

Also, we just realized that Lucky lengthened its tagline with the July issue to “The Magazine About Shopping And Style.”  Because, of course, it’s about sooo much more than shopping!  It’s about style, too!  Such range!  Good thing they point out it’s a magazine, lest it be mistaken for a catalog of “rich” accessories and hideous denim.

From this:Lucky_june_katharine_mcphee_2  to this: Lucky_july_vanessa_minnillo_2

In other September issue news, Star Jones Reynolds writes a first-person essay for Glamour announcing what most everyone in the free world already figured out.  Guess that’s one less article to read!

Lucky and Glamour hit newsstands August 7, while Elle will go on sale August 14.

Image of Lucky’s September issue from Just Jared

Samberg Delights, Sarah Jessica Dismays in Elle

It’s hard to feel engaged with celebrity profiles.  They’re often so carefully orchestrated, so relentlessly false that we might as well be reading a press release. When is the last time you felt like you actually understood someone better after reading about them in a magazine?

Even so, we were unexpectedly pleased by this bit from “Born to be Wild,” the profile of Andy Samberg in the August edition of Elle.Elle_august_sarah_jessica_parker

“I feel like there’s so much accepted sexism,” Samberg says.  “Everyone talks about doing R-rated movies, and it’s like, ‘Well, you’re going to have some titties!’  And it’s like, ‘What?  No!  That’s not a sacrifice that we would ever want to make.  We love to have cursing, but it doesn’t mean that you have to have a girl take her shirt off…”

So could it be that the Lonely Islanders, who can at times seem a bit unduly preoccupied with their man-flesh…are…feminists?  “Ha,” Samberg says, and then turns serious.  “Absolutely.”

Andy Samberg is a feminist?  As soon as we finish this post, we are going to re-watch “Lazy Sunday.”

Our sudden rush of affection for Samberg is the opposite of our reaction to the Sarah Jessica Parker article in the same issue.  Enough with the canonization of her, already.   There’s something inherently frustrating (not to mention dull) about an actor who repeatedly tells reporters she won’t talk about her private life.  Honestly, we’re contemplating taking up residence in an underground bunker when the Sex and the City movie is released.  Quotes like this one from “SJP Inc.” certainly don’t help our raging case of Parker-phobia:

“Don’t you just love Chinatown?  Doesn’t it smell amazing?”  Sarah Jessica Parker is standing slightly downwind from a stand selling nickel-size, briny dried scallops, acrid tree bards, and a selection of shriveled mushrooms labeled simply CHINESE HERB—in truth, probably not the sweetest-smelling spot in Manhattan.

It’s probably just a personality clash (or, you know, her finely honed sense of smell that she developed in the process of creating not one but two successful perfumes!), but anyone who can wax rhapsodic about the aroma of shriveled mushrooms is far too perky for us.  Indeed, we may not be the only ones suffering from Sarah Jessica Parker overload.  Coty Prestige exec Catherine Walsh, who works with SJP on her ever-expanding collection of perfumes, tells this story about the star to Elle’s Maggie Bullock:

“I used to send her weekly ratings [for Lovely],” says Catherine Walsh…“When they dropped, she would say, ‘Oh my gosh!  Do I need to go to Dadeland Mall and make a personal appearance?’”

Which would seem to be a genuine revelation about Parker’s character, except for the fact that Walsh told that exact same story nearly a year earlier to a different magazine.  Here’s the tale as it appeared in the October 2006 issue of Marie Claire:

“When we launched,” says Walsh, “we started to send her sales reports weekly, by store.  She would read them, and if we weren’t in the top three names, she’d e-mail me and ask, ‘Is there something I need to do?  Do I need to go there?’  I mean, who does that?  Even I don’t do that!  Carlos and I just looked at each other and said, ‘She’s really going to go to Macy's in Dadeland, FL, because we’re number nine there?’  She just puts you to shame.”

We don’t know what’s stranger, that anyone at Elle found Walsh’s boosterish anecdote worth repeating or the fact that we actually remembered reading the story in Marie Claire last year.  Not that it matters much, since “SJP Inc.”  is full of rehashes.  The piece contains another explanation about the genesis of Bitten and several paragraphs about the SATC film, along with our personal favorite celebrity article trope—the ultra-thin celeb orders multiple entrees, in this case “with gusto,” as if to attest that she actually does eat normally.  Yawn.  If there’s one thing that’s still interesting about Sarah Jessica Parker, it’s her ability to keep the  publicity juggernaut alive, even though there’s nothing new to say.  Can the next journalist to interview her please ask about that?

We Read It So You Don't Have To: Elle Pairs a Pop Star With a Primate

Okay, we say that we read it so you don’t have to, but really, no one should have to read “Wild Thing,” in Elle’s July issue.  It’s only four paragraphs, but it just doesn’t make sense.Elle_july_kelly_clarkson

Normally, we’d be pretty jazzed about Fergie.  Not because we like her music (because we don’t, though we’re strangely fascinated by “Fergalicious”), but because it gives us yet another opportunity to trot out our stories of how we grew up in the same town and we were a thrilling one degree removed from her in elementary school and junior high.  Our friends were friends with someone on Kids Incorporated!  What can we say?  That was super-exciting when we were ten.

Anyway.  Other than the pics where she poses with an orangutan for no apparent reason—and the orangutan that, in the opening photo, cuddles an Armani bag, here’s why the mercifully brief article still made us want to jam a letter opener into our eyes:

Elle_july_fergie_orangutan_1

Though fans speculate about the anatomical reference in the title of her hit single “London Bridge,” let it be known she hasn’t exposed hers Britney-style.

Oh, come on.  Not flashing the paparazzi is now a mark of distinction?  To be sure, keeping your bits covered is a good thing; but there’s such a thing as setting the bar too low, you know?

…[songs] delivered, if you have the good luck to see her live,...

Which makes it sound that being in Fergie’s audience is as difficult as getting an audience with the Queen.  Hey, writer Michael Sonnenschein:  anyone can have “good luck”!  She sells tickets!

[Wearing] bright red heels, earth-tone jeans, suspenders, and a porkpie hat—an outfit inspired, she says, by the boy in Madonna’s “Open Your Heart” video…

WTF?  Strangely, this part of the article appears to be completely serious.  As does the conclusion:

Let’s hope that as she ascends, Fergie stays Fergie.  The divasphere needs a real girl.

And nothing says “real” like simultaneously wearing Gucci and cuddling a primate!

Fergie_elle_july_orangutan_2

Fergie images from Popsugar

Elle Editors Jumping Ship

Could the spate of recent departures from Elle magazine (including Style Director Isabel Dupré’s exit Monday) have something to do with the regime of newly installed Creative Director Joe Zee?  Why, yes, says our anonymous tipster:

Along with the long slew of editors leaving Elle magazine…Fashion Director Nina Garcia may also be leaving the magazine, as all are, due to newcomer Joe Zee, as Garcia has been said to hate him, and even more she is on maternity leave.

Juicy!  What is Joe Zee doing there, anyway?  Editor-in-chief Roberta Myers may be the only one “thrilled to have him onboard”—and at this rate, she may soon be the only one left onboard.

Know more about this?  Email us.

Masthead

Editor: Wendy Felton


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