Glossed Over

Glossed Over Book Club: Jean Godfrey-June's Free Gift with Purchase, The Merciful End

So, this Jean Godfrey-June book ?  It goes on for an awful long time about lunches.  Sometimes companies serve lavish midday meals at fancy restaurants in order to garner good press!  Real shocker there.  And there are about forty-seven explanations of why she hates having her picture taken.  And then there are a billion pages—approximately—describing various levels of intrigue she faced during her tenure at Elle, which might have been interesting, except that every player is saddled with a cumbersome code name like “Above the Fray.”  The French execs at the magazine try to use European photo shoots in the American edition, and Above the Fray tussles with Eminence Grise and the Playboy and the Fashionista, and, well, there’s a reason we don’t watch daytime soap operas.

We can barely get through the one page she pens in Lucky, so it was clearly expecting too much that we’d be entertained all the way through a 271-page book that consists entirely of poorly organized personal anecdotes and impossible-to-execute beauty tips.  (We tried that concealer stripe, by the way.  No dice.)

All we really wanted out of this book was dirt about Lucky and/or Kim France. And now that we've read every single page, some of them twice because they were so incomprehensible, we’ve compiled a list, based mostly on the book’s final chapter, of the details we gleaned.  We hope that these small morsels of information will be enough to prevent all of you from undertaking the onerous task of reading Free Gift with Purchase.

1. Jean’s office at the magazine is “private-but-not-exactly-private.”  We don’t know what that means either!  Apparently, Jean is so confident in her descriptive abilities that she doesn’t feel the need to expound on this.

2. Speaking of nebulous descriptions:

If Kim uses the word perfect to describe someone, it’s not a good sign.  “She’s overperfect!” Kim once said of an impeccable, extremely fashiony [agh!] staff member, who, incidentally, ejected herself early on.  (There are plenty of superhot gals at Lucky, don’t get me wrong, by perfect I mean that smug, overly groomed, tucked-and-folded-scarf thing that some pretty girls feel enhances their attractiveness.)

3. In a departure from the magazine world’s status quo, the fashion department is “not mean.”  What a ringing endorsement!

4. Kim France has banned the use of certain words in the magazine, which explains why they feel the need to make up new ones!

…we ripped through “bohemian” in the first year; “glamorous” and “amazing” are currently on the endangered list.  “Fashionista” has been banned from the start.

5. Flattery will get you everywhere at Lucky.

Kim is smart smart smart and beautiful and successful (I know, it’s kissing up to the boss, but it’s true)...

6. We believe this claim is a blatant lie:

My test for any piece of writing I’m involved with is known around the office as the “Say this aloud to your smartest friend” test.  Would the friend look at you as if you were crazy?  Don’t write it that way, then.

Really?  Really?  Either Jean doesn’t know anyone who’s very smart, or her friends have a high tolerance for insanity.

7. Finally, Jean once attempted to wear a pair of mold-encrusted shoes to party.  Which, presumably, is why she’s writing about makeup and not about fashion.

Next up in the Glossed Over book club? Falling Out of Fashion, written by Jane Pratt’s former assistant Karen Yampolsky, is the almost-true tale of the editor-in-chief of Sassy and Jane magazines.  We don’t want to give too much away, but we can tell you this much: editorial wunderkind Jill White has an absolutely stellar assistant! 

At Least One Person is Pleased by Elle's Redesign

Do magazines fabricate the letters to the editor?  We don’t know, but the staff at Elle might want to be more judicious if they want to eradicate any suspicion.  The November issue includes this outlandishly enthusiastic missive.

I can’t tell you how much I loved the redesign!  I couldn’t believe my eyes!  The fashion spreads look so up to date, and as usual the intelligent articles kept me entertained for hours.  I am glad you upgraded without losing your core.  Looking forward to what is to come, and I praise you on a job well done.

Tiffany, via e-mail

“Via e-mail”?  How convenient!  No last name or location!  No way to Google to see if the letter writer actually exists! 

So if “Tiffany” is this excited about a few graphic design alterations, how worked up does she get about changes that, you know, actually have an effect on her life?  We can’t imagine, but maybe that’s because we’re distracted by Elle’s new page numbers—they look exactly like the numerals that once adorned the pages of Jane.  Or because any time we say we “can’t believe our eyes,” we mean it in the worst possible sense.

We Read It So You Don't Have To: Reese Witherspoon Won't Discuss Her Shoes With Elle

This is how “Wild at Heart,” Elle’s interview with Reese Witherspoon (October), begins: 

She has class, sass, and a gorgeous…laugh.  Reese Witherspoon is living proof that the South always rises again.

And this is the first paragraph in the story:

“The fact that you’re drinking is making me very, very happy,” Reese Witherspoon says, eyeing the glass of white wine on the table.  “I think it’s great to drink in the middle of the day.  I would join you, but I gotta drive to pick up the kids.  You’re taking taxis everywhere.  You could get drunk!”  This cracks her up.  “You could go from appointment to appointment highly, highly smashed!”

Uh, yeah, that’s hilarious. Where’s the class and sass?  Not on display in this article!  Instead, she comes off like...well, like writer Holly Millea had trouble getting her to discuss anything at all.

For instance:

“I am.  I’m fun.  I can be really fun.  I can tell we’d have a lot of fun if the tape was off.”

But, apparently, the recorder was on for an agonizingly long time.  We just can’t find the fun in this joke, which is oh-so-helpfully presented entirely without context:

“Why do Southern women make bad prostitutes?” she asks, answering: “’Cuz we have to write so many thank-you notes!”  This sends her into stitches.  It’s her mother’s favorite joke.  “And so true!”

We aren’t sure if we’re more confused by the punch line or by the appearance of “cuz” in print.

“I was excited for the red shoes [she wore to the Golden Globes],” admits Witherspoon, whose idea it was to wear them.  Asked why, she smiles like a cat and blinks.  “I don’t have a good answer for that.”

Why doesn’t she have an answer?  Probably because no one in the history of the celebrity profile has bothered to ask an Oscar-winning actress why she wanted to wear red shoes.   They were red!   Her dress was yellow!  The shoes and dress were color-coordinated, and the pairing was smashing.  That should be reason enough, and if it isn’t, we simply can’t muster up the energy to care why she chose those shoes.  Or is there some interviewer-interviewee subtext we’re missing?

Speaking of that Oscar…

“It’s real purty on my bookcase…”

“Purty”?

Want to know about Witherspoon’s childhood?  Here’s a charming story:

“My dad has pulled so many gross things out of ear canals,” she says, thrilling to the ickiness.  “You don’t want to know.  You wouldn’t want to sleep tonight.  Bugs!  Bugs!  They scrape on your eardums!”  With a crazed look she uses an index finger to illustrate.  “Can you imagine how excruciating that must be?”

Well, if reading about it is anywhere as excruciating as experiencing it…

And then there’s the closing quote.  Witherspoon is talking about Splendor in the Grass.  She’s quoted for several sentences in which she describes the end of the film, because, you know, revelations about a movie from 1961 will have to suffice in lieu of actual revelations about the subject of the profile.  Then she says this:

“You know when you realize that movies don’t always have happy endings and maybe that is a happy ending?”

And that’s the abrupt conclusion of the article, which was definitely a happy ending for us.

Scoping Out September Issues: Elle

The issue weighs: 2.8 pounds

Issue thickness: a robust three-quarters of an inch

Who’s on the cover: Lindsay Lohan, rocking a dead-eyed stare and hair and skin that are the same color. Not attractive!  Love the dress, though.

Number of words on the cover: 127 (Guess the “newly enhanced” design by Joe Zee, making its debut in this issue, doesn’t involve reducing the amount of text crammed onto the cover.)

Who bought the back cover: Chanel’s Coco Mademoiselle fragrance, featuring Keira Knightley

Number of ad pages between the cover and the table of contents: 80. Celebs appearing in those pages include Scarlett Johansson for Louis Vuitton; Kerry Washington for L’Oreal; Sarah Silverman, Selma Blair, Lucy Liu, Regina King, and Twyla Tharp for Gap;  and Rihanna for Cover Girl.  Also up front, not one but two Kate Moss campaigns, for Versace and David Yurman.

Total number of pages: 592

How many of those pages are ads: 398, about 67 percent

Most schadenfreude-inducing cover line: Duh.

Exclusive! The Lindsay Lohan Interview

“I’m glad I went to rehab—I need to get away from everyone, and I didn’t know how”

Subscription cards: a measly 3

Cosmetic samples: 2 fragrance testers (Dior J’adore and Fendi Palazzo)

Is it portable? At nearly 3 pounds, we say no.  And even if it were a more purse-friendly size, would you really want to lug Lohan’s prematurely aged mug around?  We certainly do not. 

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year!

You know, the time of year when just a few morsels of information about the September issues have leaked.  It’s enough temptation to have us making daily newsstand visits in anticipation, and well before the actual magazines come out and we’re bombarded with sneeze-inducing perfume strips, a flurry of subscription cards, and, well, disappointment.

Just Jared has a preview Lucky’s September cover, which features Sarah Michelle Gellar.  Where’s she been?  We love the plum color.  We adore the outfit.  And we are genuinely appreciative that SMG is neither totally repulsive nor completely overexposed.

Elle could take a lesson from Lucky in that regard—the September issue will feature Lindsay Lohan for the second year in a row.  Apparently serving a failed stint in rehab, chasing a personal assistant through the streets of L.A., and starring in a wretched movie qualify a person for the cover of a major magazine.  With standards that low, we expect to be elected president on our 35th birthday.

But we digress.  Back to Lucky: The pose is unspeakably awkward. And the very concept of 971 “absolute must-haves”?  Please.  No one’s closet—or budget—is that big.

Also, we just realized that Lucky lengthened its tagline with the July issue to “The Magazine About Shopping And Style.”  Because, of course, it’s about sooo much more than shopping!  It’s about style, too!  Such range!  Good thing they point out it’s a magazine, lest it be mistaken for a catalog of “rich” accessories and hideous denim.

From this:  to this:

In other September issue news, Star Jones Reynolds writes a first-person essay for Glamour announcing what most everyone in the free world already figured out.  Guess that’s one less article to read!

Lucky and Glamour hit newsstands August 7, while Elle will go on sale August 14.

Image of Lucky’s September issue from Just Jared

Samberg Delights, Sarah Jessica Dismays in Elle

It’s hard to feel engaged with celebrity profiles.  They’re often so carefully orchestrated, so relentlessly false that we might as well be reading a press release. When is the last time you felt like you actually understood someone better after reading about them in a magazine?

Even so, we were unexpectedly pleased by this bit from “Born to be Wild,” the profile of Andy Samberg in the August edition of Elle.

“I feel like there’s so much accepted sexism,” Samberg says.  “Everyone talks about doing R-rated movies, and it’s like, ‘Well, you’re going to have some titties!’  And it’s like, ‘What?  No!  That’s not a sacrifice that we would ever want to make.  We love to have cursing, but it doesn’t mean that you have to have a girl take her shirt off…”

So could it be that the Lonely Islanders, who can at times seem a bit unduly preoccupied with their man-flesh…are…feminists?  “Ha,” Samberg says, and then turns serious.  “Absolutely.”

Andy Samberg is a feminist?  As soon as we finish this post, we are going to re-watch “Lazy Sunday.”

Our sudden rush of affection for Samberg is the opposite of our reaction to the Sarah Jessica Parker article in the same issue.  Enough with the canonization of her, already.   There’s something inherently frustrating (not to mention dull) about an actor who repeatedly tells reporters she won’t talk about her private life.  Honestly, we’re contemplating taking up residence in an underground bunker when the Sex and the City movie is released.  Quotes like this one from “SJP Inc.” certainly don’t help our raging case of Parker-phobia:

“Don’t you just love Chinatown?  Doesn’t it smell amazing?”  Sarah Jessica Parker is standing slightly downwind from a stand selling nickel-size, briny dried scallops, acrid tree bards, and a selection of shriveled mushrooms labeled simply CHINESE HERB—in truth, probably not the sweetest-smelling spot in Manhattan.

It’s probably just a personality clash (or, you know, her finely honed sense of smell that she developed in the process of creating not one but two successful perfumes!), but anyone who can wax rhapsodic about the aroma of shriveled mushrooms is far too perky for us.  Indeed, we may not be the only ones suffering from Sarah Jessica Parker overload.  Coty Prestige exec Catherine Walsh, who works with SJP on her ever-expanding collection of perfumes, tells this story about the star to Elle’s Maggie Bullock:

“I used to send her weekly ratings [for Lovely],” says Catherine Walsh…“When they dropped, she would say, ‘Oh my gosh!  Do I need to go to Dadeland Mall and make a personal appearance?’”

Which would seem to be a genuine revelation about Parker’s character, except for the fact that Walsh told that exact same story nearly a year earlier to a different magazine.  Here’s the tale as it appeared in the October 2006 issue of Marie Claire:

“When we launched,” says Walsh, “we started to send her sales reports weekly, by store.  She would read them, and if we weren’t in the top three names, she’d e-mail me and ask, ‘Is there something I need to do?  Do I need to go there?’  I mean, who does that?  Even I don’t do that!  Carlos and I just looked at each other and said, ‘She’s really going to go to Macy's in Dadeland, FL, because we’re number nine there?’  She just puts you to shame.”

We don’t know what’s stranger, that anyone at Elle found Walsh’s boosterish anecdote worth repeating or the fact that we actually remembered reading the story in Marie Claire last year.  Not that it matters much, since “SJP Inc.”  is full of rehashes.  The piece contains another explanation about the genesis of Bitten and several paragraphs about the SATC film, along with our personal favorite celebrity article trope—the ultra-thin celeb orders multiple entrees, in this case “with gusto,” as if to attest that she actually does eat normally.  Yawn.  If there’s one thing that’s still interesting about Sarah Jessica Parker, it’s her ability to keep the  publicity juggernaut alive, even though there’s nothing new to say.  Can the next journalist to interview her please ask about that?

We Read It So You Don't Have To: Elle Pairs a Pop Star With a Primate

Okay, we say that we read it so you don’t have to, but really, no one should have to read “Wild Thing,” in Elle’s July issue.  It’s only four paragraphs, but it just doesn’t make sense.

Normally, we’d be pretty jazzed about Fergie.  Not because we like her music (because we don’t, though we’re strangely fascinated by “Fergalicious”), but because it gives us yet another opportunity to trot out our stories of how we grew up in the same town and we were a thrilling one degree removed from her in elementary school and junior high.  Our friends were friends with someone on Kids Incorporated!  What can we say?  That was super-exciting when we were ten.

Anyway.  Other than the pics where she poses with an orangutan for no apparent reason—and the orangutan that, in the opening photo, cuddles an Armani bag, here’s why the mercifully brief article still made us want to jam a letter opener into our eyes:

Though fans speculate about the anatomical reference in the title of her hit single “London Bridge,” let it be known she hasn’t exposed hers Britney-style.

Oh, come on.  Not flashing the paparazzi is now a mark of distinction?  To be sure, keeping your bits covered is a good thing; but there’s such a thing as setting the bar too low, you know?

…[songs] delivered, if you have the good luck to see her live,...

Which makes it sound that being in Fergie’s audience is as difficult as getting an audience with the Queen.  Hey, writer Michael Sonnenschein:  anyone can have “good luck”!  She sells tickets!

[Wearing] bright red heels, earth-tone jeans, suspenders, and a porkpie hat—an outfit inspired, she says, by the boy in Madonna’s “Open Your Heart” video…

WTF?  Strangely, this part of the article appears to be completely serious.  As does the conclusion:

Let’s hope that as she ascends, Fergie stays Fergie.  The divasphere needs a real girl.

And nothing says “real” like simultaneously wearing Gucci and cuddling a primate!

Fergie images from Popsugar

Elle Editors Jumping Ship

Could the spate of recent departures from Elle magazine (including Style Director Isabel Dupré’s exit Monday) have something to do with the regime of newly installed Creative Director Joe Zee?  Why, yes, says our anonymous tipster:

Along with the long slew of editors leaving Elle magazine…Fashion Director Nina Garcia may also be leaving the magazine, as all are, due to newcomer Joe Zee, as Garcia has been said to hate him, and even more she is on maternity leave.

Juicy!  What is Joe Zee doing there, anyway?  Editor-in-chief Roberta Myers may be the only one “thrilled to have him onboard”—and at this rate, she may soon be the only one left onboard.

Know more about this?  Email us.

Elle Editor Goes on the Offensive, Gets "Real"

Fight! Elle’s Roberta Meyers kicks off June’s “Editor’s Letter” by picking a bone with the women of The View.

…the girls got going about the tabloids’ recent photos depicting an “overweight” Tyra Banks, a conversation that somehow led Joy Behar to refer to the editors of Elle and other women’s magazines as “war criminals” who wage a “war against women.”  The implication was that we’ve all punished Tyra by refusing to use her as a model once she was no longer a waif; that we’re downright hostile to showing the curves of so-called real women.

We all know where this is going, right?  Cue the “magazines have nothing to do with eating disorders”  disclaimers, please.

Clearly Ms. Behar doesn’t read fashion magazines…

Actually, we suspect she does.   But don’t worry, Joy:  apparently, mags can’t transmit eating disorders!

([Anorexia] is largely heritable and negligibly influenced by media, according to all the good research)

Ah, the obligatory “it’s not our fault” justification.  Bring on a parade of protruding sternums, in that case!

And, in March, Elle ran a lengthy interview with a longtime sufferer of anorexia about the devastating effects of the disease.

So citing one article about the deleterious effects of anorexia completely counteracts the gazillion pictures of women so thin they probably don’t menstruate.

The truth is, of course, that the much bigger crisis facing young women these days is obesity…

By her own logic, then, Elle could feature size-12 models without encouraging obesity and maybe, somehow, propagate a teensy bit of body acceptance. Sounds like a win-win situation to us.  What do you think, Roberta?

And as for Elle’s complicity in trying to starve poor Tyra off the runway, I give you exhibit A: the last shoot we did with Ms. Banks, in which her banging curves are on full, enviable display.

As if Banks’ shoot had absolutely nothing to do with the magazine’s (now expired) partnership with America’s Next Top Model.  Also, did she really use the word “banging”?

Our unwaiflike cover star Jessica Biel…

We’ll give her this one.  Sure, Biel’s physique may be unattainable by us mortals, but at least she has discernible muscle tone (even if they did cover her sculpted thighs with those abominable shorts).

…as I write this from the competitive-bikini-wearing capital of the U.S., Los Angeles…

…and we will once again take it upon ourselves to ensure the rest of the country that we do actually wear clothes here in L.A.  In fact, sometimes we even wear closed-toe shoes!

Meyers wraps up by saying

…yes, there’s something for everyone to love, even us real women.

Riiiight, because Meyers is just like you and me!  Yes, there’s something for everyone to learn, namely that Meyers’ definition of a “real woman” must be completely different from ours.

It's Not Out Yet, But You've Already Read Elle's June Issue

Advance warning:  Elle’s June edition—the Body Issue—hits newsstands on the 15th.  Does it feature effortlessly skinny women who don’t exercise, just like Vogue’s Body Issue did?  Oh joy!

In case they manage to skip that onerous bit of business, they’ve got all the other usual bases covered:  what men think of women’s outfits, instructions on loving your body (despite the fact that this very magazine may be responsible for promoting the unrealistic images that can lead to poor self-image), the bikini diet whose very existence is contrary to all the “love yourself” advice, and, since it’s June, the sixth-billionth ranking of self-tanners ever published.   We might be eager to pick up this issue if only we hadn’t read these exact same stories every year in every other magazine.

On the plus side, Jessica Biel’s hair looks incredible.

Lowest Common Denominator: Elle, May--The Green Issue

3: Number of plus signs on the cover

Just 1, surprisingly: Number of eyebrow-raising suggestions in Anne Slowey’s “Fashion Know-It-All” (“…Palm Springs has the cleanest sidewalks I’ve ever seen, why not be a little risqué and…sport perfectly manicured bare feet?”  Because dirt on the sidewalk is the main reason not to go barefoot, apparently.)

$2,660: Price of Louis Vuitton’s “take on the Mexican shopping bag”

2: Number of Girl Scout uniforms donned by writer Susan Cernek (Though we have questions about how a grown woman managed to fit into a skort reportedly intended for an eight-year-old.  Also why anyone thinks teal knee socks are a good thing in a uniform.)

4: Number of cars advertised in this issue

2: Number of advertised cars that are hybrids

1: Number of movie reviews titled with the name of another current film (The Waitress review is titled “In the Land of Women.”)

2: Mentions of a January day in New York where the temperature reached 72 degrees

1: Mention of Erin Brockovich in an article called “The Return of Erin Brockovich” (In fact, it’s a story about Julia Roberts.)

1: Ad for “natural” American Spirit cigarettes

8: Celebrities profiled as environmental activists of some sort (Laurie David, Sheryl Crow, Kerry Washington, Shalom Harlow, Orlando Bloom, Julia Roberts, Amber Valletta, Angela Lindvall)

25: Pages devoted to those eight

21: Total of mostly non-famous honorees in “The Green Awards”

4: Pages devoted to the awards article

The Week: Like Jane Pratt Needs More Attention Right Now

• In an attempt to counter anything they’ve published that might make you think they aren’t proponents of feminism, Elle hosted a panel discussion about women.

• Jane Pratt announced that, back when she was still relevant, she had an affair with Drew Barrymore, and said we can “speculate if [we] want” about a rumored magazine collaboration with Gwen Stefani.  Which means they’re launching a new mag, obviously.   

• Speaking of Jane Pratt being relevant, Mediabistro interviewed the authors of the upcoming book about Sassy called How Sassy Changed My Life: A Love Letter To The Greatest Teen Magazine Of All Time.

• Radar weighs in on Vogue’s shape issue (sorry, we couldn’t resist the pun), while Counterbalance opines about the April issue’s book reviews.

• And a Glamour editor is grooming the next generation of “beauty gurus.” Oh, good, we can’t think of a better role model for today’s girls than one who introduces them to nail polish. [via Gawker]

The Week: At Last, Cringe-Free Cover Photos

• April issues are coming over the transom: Reese Witherspoon looks fierce in Bazaar, Scarlett Johansson wears dark lips and short shorts in Vogue, and both constitute massive improvements over last month’s horrifying cover shots of Katie Holmes and Jennifer Hudson, respectively.

• Still more changes at Elle: While a new design director comes on board, other staffers make a blatant attempt to guest-star on The Hills by defecting to jobs at Teen Vogue.

• The New York Times’ Cathy Horyn asks why anyone except “daughters with lucky DNA in New York and L.A.” should care about Vogue.  We agree.

• And Conde Nast plans to launch a new web network, featuring content from Jane, Self, Allure, and Glamour. Like reading the magazines once on paper isn’t punishing enough.

Elle Unwisely Crowns an Unlikely Fashion Icon

From Elle’€™s “€œFactory Girls,” April:

Rosie the Riveter emerges as spring’€™s most unexpected style icon as designers reimagine simple blouses, high-waisted trousers, and other 1940s staples.

So adopting Rosie the Riveter as a mascot of sorts for these fashions makes perfect sense.  Because when Rosie said “We can do it!,” she actually meant “We can appropriate otherwise meaningful icons to sell $850 pants!  We can dupe women into thinking they’re honoring my legacy when really, they’€™re just following trends like sheep!  Yes, we can render a symbol of female equality totally meaningless!”

The Week: Now Officially Sick of Jennifer Hudson

•  Marie Claire staffers are reportedly fleeing the magazine.  What, are they not getting enough screen time in “The Masthead with Marie Claire”?

•  Elle Executive Editor Alex Postman tells Mediabistro that, when interviewing candidates for a job, she asks about their reading habits.  Good news, job applicants: If you’ve managed to read every word on the magazine’s cover, you’re hired.  (And we promise to never trot out that joke again!)

•  Catfight!  Jennifer Hudson and André Leon Talley are still arguing over that ugly bolero.

•  And these excerpts from former Jane staffer Karen Cohen Yampolsky’s “novel” about Jane Pratt reveal the inner machinations of the magazine industry. Also, they reveal that Yampolsky is an exceedingly bad writer.

The Week: Anne Slowey Still Hasn't Eaten a Thing

•  If you’€™ve been lamenting that In Style is too heavy to carry around, fret not!  Now, in a move every other magazine will soon follow, style content is available on your cell phone.

•  Debate continues over the veracity and/or sanity of Anne Slowey’s self-reported Fashion Week diet.

•  Jane wants you to take your top off.  No, seriously.

•  Speaking of topless women and Jane, this is pretty much all you need to read from the Drew Barrymore interview.

•  And after receiving yet another hilariously awful email from Bazaar’€™s subscriber customer service, we found a phone number (which, naturally, was on the website all along).  We’ll have a full report on our call next week.

Elle's Anne Slowey: Starvation and Style Go Hand-in-Skeletal-Hand

Finally, an explanation for Elle’s Anne Slowey.  The flighty fashionista, whom we’ve long accused of simple idiocy, actually has a genuine excuse for her bizarre advice and rambling tangents.

See, just like any good fashion victim, she doesn’t eat.  What, you think you could write any better on a diet composed almost entirely solely of skim lattes and nutrition supplements?  Besides, everyone who’s anyone knows that how you look is more important than anything else, and at this rate, Anne must be approaching skeletal.  Chic!

Check out the food diary she kept for New York magazine’s coverage of Fashion Week.  Here’s her self-reported intake for one day (though you might want to merely skim her list of vitamins—it’s lengthy):

7:30 A.M. Home

Two 1,000-mg. Emergen-C with seven mineral ascorbates and 32 mineral complexes, one ounce of Super KMH, Mona Vie (berry extract), aloe juice, chlorophyll, two Nature’s Way Fenu-Thyme, one advance natural FloroMax, three Wellness Formula tablets, twenty drops Super Lysine Plus, two Theraveda Usha daytime stress formula tablets.

10:30 Sant Ambroeus

Milanese eggs and iced skim latte.

2:00 P.M. Patrik Ervell

Bottle of water and glass of white wine.

3:00 Waiting for the United Bamboo Show

Water.

4:00 Waiting for the Diane Von Furstenberg Show

Water.

5:00 Waiting for the Luella Bartley Show

Water.

6:00 Waiting for the Phillip Lim Show

Water.

7:00 Waiting for the Tuleh Show

Water.

8:30 At a Friend’s London Terrace Apartment Watching TV

Two glasses of red wine, Camembert and crackers, three olives during Prince’s Super Bowl halftime performance.

11:30 Home

Repeat Fenu-Thyme, Wellness Formula tablets, and add Theraveda Nisha nighttime stress formula.

So it’s totally understandable that she dispenses terrible advice, considering her brain must be more or less pickled by her alcohol intake that appears unmitigated by anything so exotic as actual food.  Maybe she believes that swallowing her own meager weight in vitamins every morning is nourishment enough.  Or maybe she’s gearing up to claim a spot of her own on the runway—amazingly, model Denise Mullins actually ‘fesses up to eating more than Slowey does, and everyone knows models don’t do anything so base as consuming food.  Watch your back, Denise!  If this fashion reporting thing doesn’t work out for Slowey (and, at the very least, it sure isn’t working for us), she may use her bony claws in an attempt to claim your spot on the runway.

[via Gothamist]

Elle's Delicate Sensibilities Easily Offended

From Elle’s “One Will Make You Smaller,” February:

…Sarah is a classic Manhattan type: the fashion-obsessed diet connoisseur. Her closets are packed with Balenciagas, Lanvins, and Yves Saint Laurents, and—despite her petite stature and inoffensive waistline—her kitchen overflows with fat-melting, appetite-zapping products that promise to shrink her down to their diminutive sizes.

Surprisingly, this article is actually quite sane as far as fashion-mag diet articles go. When is the last time you saw one of these articles advise that something as dull and sensible as increasing your fiber intake is the best way to lose weight?

But what on earth does “inoffensive” mean in this context? An inoffensive waistline? Sure, writer Maggie Bullock could have gone for clarity and described Sarah’s waistline as “slender” or “firm,” but then Elle would have missed the chance to not-so-subtly imply that overweight people are somehow offensive.

The Week: February's W Gets Caught In Traffic

•  The publishers of Glamour and Vogue are the front runners in the race to be named the Condé Nast publisher of the year.  Those not nominated continue to act indifferent about this award. 

•  Elle brings Joe Zee on board as creative director.  First task: finding a way to cram even more words on the cover.

•  And a truck carrying copies of the February issue of W crashed in Ohio, spilling copies of the magazine across Interstate 71 and causing massive traffic jams.  Yeah, sometimes W brings us screeching to a halt, too.  (And if this had happened a month ago, at least there’d be a plausible reason why we have yet to receive our January subscription copy—though, considering it was a Sienna Miller cover, perhaps we should just be glad to have dodged that bullet.)

Elle's Priorities Perfectly Placed

From Elle’s “Uncommon Women,” January, by Anne Slowey:

But as models broke out the spring/summer ’07 collections this past fall, it occurred to me that while some women really are losing hard-won basic human rights, fashion is becoming more liberated than ever.

Well, at least she hasn’t lost track of what’s truly important.

"Stalking" Male Models? Hilarious, Claims Elle

Do you remember MTV’s Daria? There’s a scene in the opening credits where the sardonic title character is sitting in a darkened movie theater. While everyone around her laughs uproariously, she stares blankly at the screen.

We felt a bit like Daria while reading Elle’s “Where the Boys Are,” December. We think writer Maggie Bullock’s exploits are supposed to be funny, but her story only made us queasy.

The tale: Inspired by a friend who habitually dates male models, Maggie attempts to snag one for herself.

It all started with my friend “the Modelizer” and her how-I-got-my-harem story.

A “modelizing” man is a dog, but a woman doing such a thing? It’s, like, completely different. And calling the men a “harem”? We must have missed the memo about how referring to men as your property is empowering.

Anyway, after Maggie asks a model booker for help with finding her dream man (one who can’t drink legally, we surmise), she summons a friend to join her on the road to lechery.

When my co-stalker Malina and I arrive for the spring 2007 collections,…

See, that’s hilarious because stalking’s a light-hearted term (and behavior!) indicating admiration and affection. We’re laughing now.  Right. 

Next, Maggie and her “co-stalker” chat with an underage model at a bar when the subject of his availability comes up.

…Is there a girlfriend back in L.A.? “Maybe.” (Later, back in the hotel, we MySpace him. His girlfriend, 15, is anxiously awaiting his return.)

Grown women checking out young guys online?  Okay, we’ll admit that’s mildly funny—but only because we’re laughing at them and their pathetic behavior, not with them.

But that’s the extent of the humor, intentional or not.  If a man wrote an article about  “stalking” female models, no one would find it amusing.  By proving that women can objectify as well as men can, Elle isn’t being subversive or fresh—just base.  If referring to men as “prey” is supposed to be funny, well, the comedy in this situation is pretty much beyond us. Maybe we should ask our harem to explain it.

See? Not funny.

Outdated and Out of Style in Elle

Wondering how to wear red? Here’s some advice on the topic from Elle’s “Fashion Know-It-All,” December: 

The trick is to wear it casually and rein in your personality. No shouting or guffawing unless you’re Jerry Hall, please. The one thing I learned in school is that it’s okay to draw attention to yourself if you remain tactfully mute.

“Rein in your personality”? “Remain tactfully mute”?

Apparently, columnist Anne Slowey’s ludicrous notion of propriety forbids women from doing anything outlandish—like, we’re guessing, daring to speak in public—while wearing anything but the muddiest, most camouflaging shades of gray.

Next month in Elle, Anne Slowey tackles the thorny question of what to wear when appearing in public with a male chaperone—you wouldn’t want to clash with him!—and lists the fashion essentials for every woman’s trousseau. And is your dowry big enough? Find out in the January issue!

L.A. Is, Like, Totally Packed With Hotties, Says Elle

Okay, Elle, we get it. Dating in New York is a Sisyphean endeavor.

Alexandra Jacobs’ article in November’s issue, “How to Marry a Millionaire (or At Least a Successful Screenwriter),” depicts laidback Los Angeles as a single woman’s Shangri-La and a wealthy husband as every woman’s goal. As if that premise alone isn’t suspect enough, the piece heads into highly dubious territory in order to prove its assertion that the West Coast is the place to land a man.

For instance:

The evidence mounts at the Hollywood Wilshire YMCA, where a frizzy-haired, pale-skinned chick is shooting hoops with platoons of eligible men…

Let’s enumerate the wildly erroneous assumptions made in just this one sentence:

One: Ohmygod! A woman playing basketball with men! She must be engaging in an athletic activity solely to capture a man’s attention and not because she actually enjoys the sport.

Two: L.A. must be packed with men desperate for affection if they’ll deign to engage in a totally impersonal activity with a—gasp!—“frizzy-haired, pale-skinned” woman.

Three: Women with frizz and non-fake-orange skin are inherently unappealing.

Four: Men playing basketball in public are obviously single.

And the next sentence:

I almost fall off my Precor when a dark, good-looking character actor stops to ask my sign.

Wait. He asked her sign? And that’s a good thing? Did  Jacobs’ Precor magically transport her to 1973?

(It’s still L.A., okay?)

Ohhhh, it all makes sense now, because everyone in L.A. is, like, totally into astrology and patchouli and, like, you know, the planet and avocado-colored kitchen appliances and fringed vests and stuff.

Then I watch as a guy strikes up a conversation with a woman engrossed in a sweat-drenched magazine—not the vapid glossy Angeleno, but The Atlantic Monthly!

Shocking! Who knew The Atlantic Monthly is even sold on the West Coast? And who could have guessed that men are at all interested in women who display even the most basic signs of literacy?

We suddenly understand why dating in New York is so difficult for Alexandra Jacobs. But after reading this essay, we’re convinced her troubles having nothing to do with her locale.

Elle: Be Different by Dressing Like Everyone Else

We’ve been hoodwinked. The culprit? Elle’s “The Elements of Style,” October, and stylist Rachel Zoe.

…seven very different women demonstrate the most important part of dressing to impress: individuality. [emphasis ours]

Excellent, we thought. We anticipated a spread free of the ubiquitous leggings and shrunken blazers.  Which, mercifully enough, it is.

We weren’t too thrilled by the feature—how excited can we get over Mark Ruffalo’s wife and the soon-to-be-ex Mrs. Prince, anyway? But our sort-of enjoyment evaporated when we read the paragraph describing Zoe:

Thus, in addition to being photographed for Elle, Zoe also helped outfit the other six stylephiles.

So personal style involves using the most well-known of celebrity stylists. Was it wrong of us to expect that an article about individuality would require something as radical as, oh, women picking out their own clothes? It’s just not that difficult, ladies. We’ve managed to choose our own wardrobe every single day since kindergarten.

We have nothing against Rachel Zoe (well, other than the whole Nicole-Richie-as-style-icon phenomenon) or even stylists in general. We do have something against passing off a stylist’s work as personal style and thereby promoting conformity. Elle’s article is the grown-up version of shopping at Hot Topic: everyone who shops there pretends to be edgy and anti-mainstream, but they’re still buying faux-vintage tees at the mall like everyone else.

Elle: The Privileged Make Lousy Starving Artists

From the intro to Elle’s “Scions in the City,” October:

Meet Marie Steiss and Margherita Missoni. New York’s loveliest new locals have it all: looks, drive, and enough feisty, independent spirit to make it here—or anywhere.

Know what else these two women have? Money and connections. (Steiss is the daughter of the French prime minister, while Missoni is, well, a Missoni.) True, the article acknowledges that these two aren’t exactly your typical young women struggling to make it in the big city; but do we really care? Is there any doubt that people of substantial wealth and influence are going to be just fine? And are we supposed to be riveted by the travails of rich young women pursuing modeling and acting?

When writer Maggie Bullock recounts Steiss’ arrival at the Elle photo shoot, we’re not exactly inclined to sympathize.

Steiss walks in…looking a tad, well, sleepy. No wonder. She touched down in New York at midnight, fresh from the elaborate Paris launch of Ange ou Démon [Givenchy’s new fragrance].

Oh, poor baby. Must be rough modeling all over the globe! How she must struggle!

We don’t want to sound bitter (or at least not more bitter than we already must), but stories like these are not worth the time it takes to read them. We’d rather see a feature about women working to achieve their goals despite their lack of such a considerable safety net. Or an article about people famous for something other than their heritage.  As Missoni herself tells Bullock,

“I was like, uh, Mum? I’m not exactly Drew Barrymore. I’m not that famous.”

You’re right, Margherita—you’re not that famous. And, based on this article, you’re not that interesting, either.

Photo of Margherita Missoni, actress, from Style.com

Keira Knightley: One Expression is Enough for Elle

Anyone who doubts Keira Knightley’s acting ability need only glance at her portfolio in August’s Elle for evidence of the young actress’s astounding range. If, of course, you consider “range” to constitute making the exact same supposed-to-be-sexy expression in a multitude of different outfits.