Glossed Over

Lowest Common Denominator: Cosmopolitan, February

6: Minutes per day needed to “score a slammin’ bod,” according to the cover

Infinite: The disingenuousness of a Cover Girl ad suggesting readers “go for beauty on your own terms” by eschewing department-store cosmetics for the Cover Girl brand. Thanks, Cover Girl, for telling me what my own terms are! Apparently my terms involve buying slightly less expensive stuff I don’t need.

25: Cosmopolitan’s “magic age” for getting married, as cited on page 36

100: In “Beauty: His Picks,” number of men surveyed about whether nail decals are “fun and flirty” or “too over-the-top”

Apparently zero: Number of women surveyed for the same article about whether they care what 100 random men think of their fingernails

1950s: Decade whose gender stereotypes Cosmo rejects in “Are You Turning Your Boyfriend Into a Girlie Man?”—right before suggesting steak and football are inherently masculine and salad, Cat Power, and French movies are inextricably feminine.

101: Page of the aforementioned article that made my head explode. The culprit phrase? “Do more gender-neutral activities with your man (see our “Manly Date Ideas,” at right)…” Since when does “gender-neutral” default to “manly”?

1: Appallingly evocative reference to an erect penis as a “giant breakfast sausage” on page 105. Sorry, I couldn’t let that one pass!

9: Of the thirteen men Cosmo’s crowned its “Fun Fearless Males 2010,” the number who are actors (The other four are a musician, an athlete, a TV producer, and Dr. Oz.)

“Almost 200” and “up to 300”: The supposedly shocking calorie counts in bottled teas and wrap sandwiches, according to “These Healthy Foods Can Make You Fat”

Endless: Stories in this issue devoted to pleasing men sexually (“4 Traits Men Find Irresistible,” “99 Hot New Sex Tips...In 20 Words or Less,” “Tap In to Your Seductive Powers,” “The One Time He Always Wants You”)

4 apiece: Pages devoted to articles about fertility and inter-racial couples

3: Pages devoted to a story about the decline of the thong

2: Pages dedicated to police officer Ally Jacobs, whose investigative work led to the arrest of Jaycee Dugard's captor

Huge: My—and, I’m sure, your—relief at learning one needn’t get a job at Cosmopolitan to achieve the same success with men that its staffers enjoy, because the magazine found 13 of them to give us the inside scoop. Lessons offered by current and former magazine staffers in “Engaged at Cosmo!” include these gems: cook his favorite dishes, avoid discussing marriage, don’t freak out when he plays Guitar Hero (like someone would?), and always wear the latest nail polish.

Zip: Actual eroticism in this month’s edition of “Red Hot Reads,” as exemplified by this decidedly unsexy sentence: “It felt so good that coherent thought was behind her, but she did realize it had never been like this with any other man before.”

Lowest Common Denominator: Lucky, October

1: Estimated number of photos shot of Kristen Bell for the cover. Why would they use this awkward-looking one if they had any others?

10: Days’ worth of foundation Estee Lauder will supply for free, according to their ad, which also notes that the makeup must be “right for the way you live”

Under 20: Approximate number of remaining celebrities without their own fragrance collections now that Kat Von D has one (advertised on page 56)

$2,495: Price of a Chanel bag featured in “Lucky Editors Answer: What’s your no-apologies splurge?” Also, note how Lucky makes it sound like buying a Chanel purse is an act of self-empowerment. Because you need a designer bag to fulfill your potential as a human being!

80: Page on which editor Jenny Kang describes the “corpse bride” as her fashion inspiration in “What I Want Now”

All of them: Individual hairs on my head I will remove in frustration if a fashion magazine glamorizes death one more time

$79, $50, and $30: The actually affordable price tags of the jeans Lucky calls “affordable” on page 92

100: Page which recommends a $23 skort from Land’s End

6,731: Since reading that, instances I've wondered whether we're really doing skorts again, and if so, WHY?

4,529,023: Including the one on page 132, estimated number of mentions on Cover Girl’s Outlast lipstain pen in women’s magazines in the last few months

2: Number of Cover Girl lipstains I’ve purchased in those same months

“Lots”: According to photographer Mario Testino, the amount of “very good sex” model Carmen Kass has enjoyed. Jean Godfrey-June reports that Testino reportedly described Kass to Michael Kors by saying, “Zees leg…you only get a leg like zees by having lots of very good sex.”

3: Products required to create the “disheveled ponytail” in “Hair Styles We Love Now”

$575: Price of a purse Lucky describes as “so rich” on page 160

Not a single bit: Discretion about advertorial displayed by placing an ad for the YSL fragrance Parisienne in the middle of a spread about Parisian style. Subtle!

W: Death Does Not Become Her

Good news, fashionistas! Death doesn't mean forsaking your love of cutting-edge fashion. Just take a look at W's September issue, which features scads of stylish women who just happen to be posed as if they've died or are dying a painful, violent death. Apparently, Gucci and the Grim Reaper need not be mutually exclusive.

From Steven Klein's "Academy," here's the classic just-barely-hanging-on-to-life pose. If this were a movie, she'd have reached up and grabbed the fence with her last breath. Lara Stone really rocks that deathly pallor, doesn't she?

From "Woodstock," photographed by Juergen Teller, actress Jennifer Jason Leigh sprawls on a pool deck in a manner suggesting a struggle:

 

Then we have the snakebite victim:

The woman who is awfully happy about her children lying slain next to her:

A vehicular manslaughter:

From "Sunday in the Park," shot by Mert Alas and Marcus Piggott, two limp women in lingerie:

 

And the all-important disposal of the evidence (an unsettling postscript to this photo of happier times in the canoe):

"Paper Bag Princess," photographed by Craig McDean, takes literally the maxim about fashion to die for:

Is slumping against a wall, limbs askew, supposed to be chic?

Evidently!

 

And let's not forget Lanvin's charmless death-by-cats ad, shot by Steven Meisel.

 

Perhaps these portrayals aren't meant to invoke death, but the women in these photos appear weak, helpless, and stripped of their agency. What's the intended message? "Hey, ladies, the last outfit you'll ever wear should be special!"

It's no coincidence that these pictorials were shot by male photographers. Whether these images are the result of lazy art direction, latent sexism, or some other motive, I can't say. But men don't live every day shadowed by the specter of random violence. Women are taught to walk in groups, carry our keys poking through our fingers as a makeshift weapon, and scream "Fire!" instead of "Help!" because no one pays attention to the latter. When you've been indoctrinated that your personal safety is constantly in jeopardy, photographs implying danger are not arty or deep. They're the embodiment of your worst fears.

Maybe that's why photographers find such tableaux so appealing. But dead women in designer clothes isn't a fashion statement, and normalizing violence against women in the pages of a women's magazine doesn't make for edgy editorial. It just makes us fashion victims.

Related: W Redefines "Fashion Victim" in Furry Photo Spread

Vogue Liveblog 2009: The Real September Issue

The cover of this year's edition says it's "the REAL September issue," as opposed to The September Issue. It's a differentiation that doesn't make much sense for most of us, since the movie's only opened in one city. But it just wouldn't be Vogue if it were accessible to everyone!

Before I begin the liveblog, the rules: I have not read any part of this issue—in fact, I haven't even opened it. I have not read any commentary from other blogs about this issue. All I've seen are the front and back covers.  And I'll be blogging in real time—just refresh this post to see the latest.

On with the magazine!

A Sticky Situation in Lucky's September Issue

In its patriotic mission to stimulate the economy, Lucky does everything it can to make shopping easier for the few, the proud, the misanthropes who detest malls, and the between-sizes Americans prone to fitting-room meltdowns. With the stickers marked “YES!” and “MAYBE?” in every issue, vicarious shopping has never been easier! 

This month, instead of tearing out the stickers to annotate a publication with actual paragraphs (like, say, a book), I actually affixed them to the magazine's comparatively noteworthy pages. And in my mission to help you avoid “reading” Lucky, here's what I culled from the September issue:

YES! I may need the entirety of Anna Sui’s Gossip Girl-inspired collection for Target, now that I’ve seen the two-page ad near the front of this issue. Unchecked spending on stuff I don’t need makes me a good American, right?

YES! Just as expected, Kim France’s “Editor’s Letter” does acknowledge the crummy financial climate, but adds that “against all odds,” the magazine’s fashion editors found plenty of great stuff for fall. Such sacrifice!

YES! Lucky continues its slaughter of the English language on page 94, trotting out the non-word “splurgier.” Are there fuses in my brain? Because I think one just blew.

MAYBE? It is totally acceptable to shop at outlets. If you’re in Italy and buying stuff at the Prada outlet, that is. (page 108)

YES! There exists an article of clothing called “zoot pants,” and Lucky’s “Style Spy” expects you to wear them for fall.

YES! Lucky’s editors may suffer from long-term memory loss, since they’ve managed to load up “The Smart Shopping Sourcebook” with heaps of accessories and clothes under $100, but can’t seem to remember those stylish bargains long enough to insert many of them in other features.

YES! According to “Accessories Report,” eyeglasses are in for fall. Great! I hate when glasses are out and I have to go around squinting. Suffer for fashion, right? (Or, you know, wear them and look like I don’t care about my appearance at all.)

MAYBE? Ed Hardy’s new perfume, which, according to the ad in this issue, is a “vintage tattoo inspired fragrance,” could be less appealing. But probably not.

YES! Cosmetics are the sure path to happiness and fulfillment! According to “Beauty Spy,” hot pink blush will make you “instantly feel 5,000 times prettier.” The latest anti-wrinkle potions are “kind of miraculous.” A saffron lip stain is “unexpectedly gorgeous”—for $65, it had better be. A new Maybelline lipstick is “perfect,” and a handful of acne products work with “stunning efficiency.” Yay!

MAYBE? Despite the wisdom so altruistically dispensed on page 214, most readers probably don’t need detailed instructions on shampooing.

YES! It is possible to “Love Your Hair,” as page 224 exuberantly instructs. It doesn’t require a shift in perspective—just a heap of drugstore products, a $140 flat iron, and a $34 shampoo. Easy!

MAYBE? We shouldn’t take beauty editors’ advice as gospel, since in “Skin Regimens of Beauty Editors,” one confesses that she hates washing her face at night and another never takes off her eye makeup before bed. As all of us who’ve been indoctrinated by a lifetime of women’s mags know, not washing up before sleeping is a cardinal sin.

MAYBE? I might have actually used the stickers to mark various pages of the “Lucky Fall Shoe Guide.” I’ll never tell.

YES! As noted in “40s Modern,” the right clothes can make me “magpie-cool.” Whatever that means.

YES! A $415 leopard-print blouse can be worn for work, weekend, and evening, according to “Fall’s Most Versatile Pieces.” Good thing, too, because at that price, it’d be the only blouse I own.

MAYBE? An $1195 Emporio Armani jacket and $630 Bruno Frisoni pumps, as seen on pages 280 and 281, aren’t the best exemplars of the “punk rock” or “collegiate” style the spread is supposed to embody. But then, neither is posing those “punk rock” models in front of a nightclub advertising a show presented by Radio Disney. Oops!

YES! Now that I’ve read the entire issue, I do want to purchase a new wardrobe! Lucky, you’ve successfully completed your mission.

My Feelings About This Midol Ad Are Not PMS-Related

This ad appears in the September issue of Marie Claire:

Normally, I’d write a derisive paragraph or two about how this ad pretends to be empowering and real but instead is just a stereotype-promoting fantasy dreamed up by some guy who thinks he understands women because he watched Real Housewives of New Jersey and once, in 1998, bought a box of tampons for his then-girlfriend.

But I think I’ll save my thoughts for when I’m on my period. Apparently, that’s the only time I’m saying anything worth listening to.

Lowest Common Denominator: Allure, August

33,683: Number of free items Allure is giving away in August, according to the cover

10: Pounds lighter, years younger, and times happier editor-in-chief Linda Wells claimed to appear after a bra fitting

$39.95: Price of faux-leather strapless dress from H&M that’s named as a “must” in “Fashion Cravings”

0: Probability, estimated, that any major magazine’s fashion editor has ever actually worn faux leather from H&M

Far, far too much: According to swimwear designer Malia Mills, the amount of maintenance a suit needs to avoid fading and stretching. Daily rinsing and a secondary suit just for wear in hot tubs? Like it isn’t hard enough to find one!

95: Page on which an advertisement for Latisse appears, asking “Not enough lashes?”

Boundless: The joy I’m apparently missing by not sleeping with my hairstylist, according to “Dirty Blondes.” The article claims stylist-client affairs are a “female pasha fantasy”

Heaps: Amount I loved “Time Warp” on page 141, wherein a fashion historian and a history professor discuss the realism of period-movie hair and makeup. More like this, please!

6: In “The New Cocoon,” number of items made of fur, including oh-so-practical shearling gauntlets

None: Amount of the diet advice in “The Fashion Insiders’ Diet” that’s novel to anyone who’s read a women’s magazine before. Really? Eat a piece of fruit before going out to dinner?

Tons: Disbelief inspired by this sentence in the diet’s introduction: “Models aren’t the only ones who feel pressure to be thin, and fitting into a sample size can sometimes feel like a job requirement—if not exactly a virtue—when you work in fashion.” Because, you know, that's just the way it is.

1989: Year from which Allure must have stolen the fluorescent-themed fashion spread “Plugged In”

Subtle Ad for Hair Removal Products Promotes "Mowing the Lawn"

What's most troubling about this commercial? Is it the unoriginal use of cats to represent the female anatomy? The racial stereotypes? The notions that pubic hair is "untidy" and "rough around the edges" and fun to remove? Or the fact that some executive thinks this commercial is a brilliant way to convince us to buy the product?

(Spotted at Feministing)

Why Does Missoni Even Bother with Models?

Actual mannequins would be far more cost-effective, since they already come with poreless skin, expressionless faces, limbs that can be arranged at joint-dislocating angles, and completely smooth underarms. Imagine the savings on retouching!

Eva Longoria Dyes Her Hair at Home and Other L’Oréal Lies

The award for the most moronic advertisement in recent memory goes to the spread for Excellence To-Go hair color by L’Oréal Paris, as seen in the current issue of InStyle and on display in drugstores everywhere. What, you ask, could be so terrible about an ad for hair dye—other than, you know, furthering this ludicrous notion that we women are supposed to coat our scalps in a potentially toxic substance every few weeks so as not to offend anyone with a gray hair or two?
 

    

Well, for starters, there’s this manufactured quote from Eva Longoria:

Today, everything moves so fast, my haircolor has to be perfect. And it has to keep up.

This is going to torture me. No exaggeration: I may lie awake tonight wondering how hair dye is supposed to “keep up.” How can haircolor do anything other than smell wretched and stain my forehead? With what or with whom is it expected to keep up? And how offensive is it to pretend that Eva Longoria doesn’t have a personal hairstylist touching up her roots every six minutes?

Then there’s the “so fast” part of the statement. Yes, the world moves so insanely fast, MY HAIRCOLOR MUST ADAPT INSTANTLY. What? This is a product that is supposed to have a permanent effect. It does not change. There is nothing fast about hair dye except the speed with which it stains the paint on the
bathroom wall.

The adjoining page gets even worse, somehow:

Rich color in 10 MINUTES. Hair that feels STRONGER. For me, that’s a NEW REVOLUTION!

For me, this constitutes a compelling reason to NITPICK! And to RANT!

The nitpick: revolutions are by their very nature new. And the rant: co-opting the language of revolution to sell the very products whose necessity feminism rejects is absolutely noxious. I’ll take my revolutions in the form of the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act, thank you, not in hair color that shaves a whopping 5 minutes from competing brands’ processing time and is marketed to me as if coloring my hair every six weeks since age 18 has actually slaughtered 75 percent of my brain cells. (Never mind the possibility that, well, it has.)

Finally, there’s L’Oréal’s trademark:

Because you’re worth it.

Actually, L’Oréal, we’re worth more than that. If only your advertising reflected as much.