Glossed Over

Is Marie Claire Just Messing with Us?

Marie Claire’s cover proclaims it’s “More Than a Pretty Face,” so you’d expect the content would reflect that slogan. Sure, the format has its limitations. No fashion magazine is ever going to be The Economist.

But some of the content in the August issue is brutally, unbelievably dumb—or, at least, seems to think we readers are. Is any of this for real? Was this issue ghostwritten by the staff of The Onion? And if it were, would any of us even be able to tell the difference? Below, my picks for three articles in the August issue that read like parodies of themselves.

1. In “Marie Claire Bulletin,” there’s a Supreme Court primer entitled “How to Talk About Issues You Don’t Understand.” The “shamelessly oversimplified” page even suggests smart-ass comments for use in conversations about abortion, gun control, and gay marriage. Because not only do you not understand, you have no opinions of your own! This is the magazine’s quip in support of gay marriage:

“At the last gay wedding I attended, the grooms’ tuxes were brushed satin, the centerpieces were Cattleya orchids, the palate cleanser was yuzu sorbet, and the DJ was Samantha Ronson. How could something so right be wrong?”

I don’t know. How could so many stereotypes fit into one sentence?

2. The cavalcade of stupidity continues with “Where the Guys Are,” for which the magazine “mined the latest census data” to find the cities with the highest ratio of available men to women. Did Marie Claire lift this article straight out of Cosmopolitan? Maybe! Is there an explanation why Columbus has so many single men? Nope! But the article does tell you how to dress to attract them. Also, I don’t grasp the premise—are we supposed to, like, drop everything and move to Seattle? Excuse me while I pack a suitcase so I can find validation in the arms of a man!

3. And let’s just start with the title of this one: “Hair to Get You Hired.” What helpful advice for those of us with absolutely zero qualifications or experience!

…a stiff job market means the slightest detail—even the wrong updo—can make or break your chances…

Translation: you can be hired (or not) because of your looks! I’ve heard that’s rampant in some industries—like, say, fashion magazines.

Never look like you spent hours getting primped—it suggests you’re not serious.

And never mind reconciling the preponderance of fashion and beauty content throughout the magazine with the advice to avoid looking overly groomed. Is Marie Claire serious? (Quick! Check the editors' hair.) Sadly, these features seem to be entirely straightforward. If they were satire, at least they would have been funny.

A Cavalcade of Barely Tolerable Personalities in Bazaar

Is Karl Lagerfeld the most abrasive person in fashion? Not being personally acquainted with him—or Anna Wintour, for that matter—I can’t say for sure. But he certainly makes a strong push for the title in the March issue of Bazaar.

Of course, if I consider everyone who appears in this edition, Lagerfeld has some serious competition. There’s the fawning Ivana Trump story, replete with the explanation that her husband is younger than Donald’s wife. Oh, what a victory for women all over the world! (To be fair, this may be a case of the writing being far more irritating than Ivana herself. On the other hand, the erstwhile Mrs. Trump does refer to herself as a “glam-ma.”)

There’s Sarah Jessica Parker in full-on Pollyanna mode, recommending we plebeians hand-write our correspondence, save our pennies in a jar, and use the public library. To use what’s purported to be one of SJP’s favorite words, golly! And I’d been throwing my spare change in the trash!

And I’m just going to completely disqualify the spate of economy-related articles, wherein multiple writers employ tortured logic to explain why a $3000 dress is a solid investment—if you wear it twice! What an adjustment that must be for those dowagers accustomed to burning their frocks after each wearing.

Nonetheless, the title undoubtedly belongs to Karl Lagerfeld. He may be brutal, but he’s also a genius. How else could a man who wears the EXACT SAME THING in every single photograph be a fashion guru?

In “Fashion Therapy,” he plays the role of, well, therapist, tackling the queries of apparel-beleaguered Bazaar staffers. Oh, the agony! Here's a selection of his gems, some of which are startlingly spot-on:

The t-shirt can be impeccable, and the jeans, too. The body has to be impeccable as well—that helps a lot. If it’s not, buy small sizes and less food.

I guess Bazaar wasn’t bold enough to include that particular tidbit of advice in the articles about cost-conscious dressing.

Please, your question is childish. Don’t drink when you wear stilettos. I can’t advise you to get drunk at home to find out if you would be able to walk in them at a party. Plus, you aren’t on the runway. Life should not be a fashion show.

Oh, and speaking of heels:

Very high heels actually look better on tall girls, but men hate to walk around with giants who make them feel like midgets.

When I said “heels” a few lines back, I was referring to men who’d impose their own insecurities on a woman’s choice of shoes. Seriously? Men other than Tom Cruise do that?

I am very much against looks that put women under what I call “permanent sexual alarm.”

I don’t even know what this means, but “permanent sexual alarm” is admirably colorful. Then Lagerfeld says this to a woman clinging to the resurgence of 1980s-inspired fashions:

This look is not back for people who wore it when it was new. And why did you let your “flawless figure” go? Good excuse, but it explains your need to hide behind shopping trophies.

Burn!

And a final bon mot from Mr. Lagerfeld:

Better a split personality than no personality at all.

As for the types of personality on display in this issue, well, that's debatable.

Lucky's "Beauty Strategies" Take Luxury for Granted

Have you seen the MTV show Exiled? Starring the spoiled kids from My Super Sweet 16, the program plucks them from their posh surroundings, sentencing them to a short-term stay with a family far less privileged than their own. (They even have to do chores!) In theory, this is a show about loosening the kids’ grip on material possessions, forcing them to gain a little perspective, and teaching them to appreciate their wealth.

So, then, isn’t it a little strange that the producer of Exiled would appear in the January issue of Lucky magazine, a publication that seemingly exists solely to celebrate the acquisition of overpriced bagatelles, to reveal the $105 face cream she always travels with and discuss how beauty products make her feel “so much better”?

The Slimming Secret of Glamour's "Best New Bodies": Childbirth

Dear Glamour,

Just a quick note about this page from your January issue:

Sure, her pregnant body was a significant departure from her usual peak shape, but carrying twins does not qualify Jennifer Lopez as the “before” in a weight-loss story—unless you’re touting the miraculous tummy-flattening benefits of giving birth.

Wait...are you?

Love,

Glossed Over

An InStyle Assessment of Purchasing Priorities

This appears on page 246 of the December issue of InStyle:

Thanks, InStyle! Like so many women across the nation, I was only driving to work because I was completely ignorant that I could trade my gas money for a fancy potion from Saks! It had nothing to do with the fact that there is no other way to get to my office! How can we former car commuters ever pay you back for pointing out that we should be taking public transport? Preventing potential wrinkles clearly trumps any other concern.

Next month, InStyle answers whether you should buy a month’s worth of groceries or a new jar of eye cream. Hint: Obviously, the eye cream. They think you’ll look much better after eating nothing but whatever dented canned goods you can manage with the change you find on the sidewalk. A bout with food poisoning is a very effective weight loss method!

A Lucky Rabbit's Foot for Animal Lovers

Yesterday, in dire need of a boost, I spent three dollars and change on a latte. As the perky cashier at the Coffee Bean took my order, she asked whether I wanted to contribute a dollar toward their charitable cause du jour. And why not? What’s another dollar when 8 ounces of coffee costs more than a gallon of gas?

Back at home, I reflected on my minor good deed and, bursting with my newfound moral superiority, I realized I needed to do more. There had to be something else, some grand gesture I could make to help the less fortunate this holiday season. So I decided to read my copy of Lucky’s December issue. There’s no rule that says I have to be sloppy while serving mankind, right? Is it so wrong that I want to look good and do good at the same time?

How fortuitous, then, that Lucky presented me with yet another opportunity to give to a good cause simply by buying something I don’t even need! In “Beauty Spy,” page 170, the magazine features an $85 Chantecaille bronzer—and 5 percent of the proceeds from its sale go to save the dwindling population of Bengal tigers!

Bengals? Oh, I love cats! Forget my measly dollar at the coffee place. My $4.25 would have the power to do much more good—and I’d achieve a sun-kissed glow at the same time!

The bronzer really got my mind working. What else could I do for those furry four-legged creatures I so adore?

It’s like Lucky was reading my mind! This is what I found in “Party Ready”:

“Statement fur” indeed! What better way to demonstrate my affection for wildlife than to wear an animal’s carcass across my shoulders?

Now, I know what you’re thinking: isn’t it kind of strange that Lucky would suggest saving an endangered species on one page and then showcase fur on another? It’s totally not hypocritical, though! See, the fur coat is rabbit, and we all know bunnies will never face endangerment!

Filled with the warmth of extreme self-satisfaction, I flipped back through the magazine, envisioning how alluring I’d be with my bronzer-streaked cheeks and silky rabbit coat. And then I came across this advertisement:

Oh, Petra, you’re so right! It really is possible to be both—and I was so afraid I'd have to choose!

Marie Claire Editors Were the Girls I Hated in High School

Hey, teens! Have no idea what you’d like to do with your life? So awkward and insecure you’ll attend your ten-year high school reunion with something to prove? 

Then Marie Claire’s November issue has just the thing for you! In “The Savvy Girl’s Guide to Surviving a Reunion,” the magazine lists some accomplishments—er, “accomplishments”—you’ll want to rub in your classmates’ faces. What better way to retaliate against that hateful Facebook bully than by wearing a hot outfit? Just pick one of this issue’s six personas (in bold below), plan your ensemble, and live happily ever after. Really, it’s that simple.

Look out, world! Behold the best and brightest of Marie Claire High School’s graduating class!

Budding CEO Status

Only smart people wear glasses, right? So if you had specs in high school, get ready to impress your classmates with your perspicacity…by wearing even more prominent, less flattering frames.

Remember those thick Buddy Holly frames everyone made fun of? They’re in.

And maybe once your erstwhile classmates hear how much money you hauled in last year, they’ll stop snickering about how unflattering your glasses are.

New Body

Were you the girl who had to walk her laps in gym class? The last picked for every game of badminton?

Wow everyone with a skintight dress and booties…

Flaunt it! All the guys you crushed on years ago now have bald spots and pot bellies, but that won’t stop them from getting hammered and slurring pathetic declarations about how they always thought you were beautiful back then. Be gracious. You’re more attractive than they are—therefore, you win at life!

Bun in the Oven

I’m going to quote this one without commentary. It’s just that ludicrous.

At the 10-year reunion, the entire girls lacrosse team chided your workaholism—you’d simply forgotten to have children, they sneered. Make like Angelina in a long jersey jumper that clings in all the right places, revealing your on-trend baby bump.

See what I mean?

Independent Streak

Were you a curfew-meeting, demerit-free, rule-abiding killjoy? What better way to demonstrate how you’ve learned to eschew convention than by wearing mismatched clothes and candy-colored heels!

The more you clash, the better you look.

That’ll show ‘em! Everyone knows wearing exactly what a fashion magazine tells you is the best way to demonstrate individuality. What a special snowflake you are!

Husband, 2.5 Kids, and White Picket Fence

Did you stay home with a stack of VHS tapes on prom night and graduate without having experienced a single kiss? Good news! Your existence has been validated now that you’ve somehow found some dude to pledge eternal devotion and impregnate you multiple times!

Coordinate your outfit with an element of your hubby’s without going full-on Jada and Will. A shell, pencil skirt, and cape pull together the whole smug package.

And everyone likes a smug married! Don’t forget to tell those bitches from the songleading squad about the darling thing little McKenna did at last week’s mommy-and-me yogilates class!

Hefty Divorce Settlement

There are excellent career prospects for a high school heartbreaker—you won’t need one. As an adult, men will actually give you money to break up with them!

…[show] up in your favorite fur coat thrown over a red-carpet-worthy dress—after all, your ex is paying for it.

Suggested cocktail hour conversation topic: divorce attorneys. If nothing else, you’ll be able to recommend the best one around.

But really, I don’t understand Marie Claire spending so many pages talking about high school reunions as if they’re events to be wary of. What woman wouldn’t want to spend hours trapped in one room with her entire high school graduating class reminiscing about the very best years of her life? Right?

Ad in Glamour Creates a Contradictory Message

The November issue of Glamour features an amusing juxtaposition of editorial content and advertising. On page 48, in “Dos, Don’ts, News & Views,” the mag scolds men for checking out their co-stars’ cleavage on the red carpet:

And inside the back cover, an ad for Vassarette indicates their bra will inspire men to do just that:

(The text reads, “Hope you’re willing to sacrifice a little eye contact.”)

This particular ad sparked a minor disagreement in my house. Here’s what transpired when my husband spotted my copy of Glamour folded open to that page.

Him: Are you going to write about that ad?

Me: Yes. It bothers me. Like men need any more encouragement to stare at women’s chests?

Him: It’s not directed toward men—it’s a magazine, and an ad, for women. I think it’s kind of funny.

Me: Sure, you find it funny because no one’s ever talked to your breasts instead of your face.

Him: Well, what are bras for? To de-emphasize your cleavage?

So I’d love to hear some other opinions. Readers, what’s up with this ad?

Cougars, Conrad, and Calories: Another Wince-Worthy Cosmopolitan Cover

Dear Cosmopolitan,

Congratulations! Just when I think I couldn’t possibly be more ashamed of spending my cash on your latest issue, you manage to prove me wrong! You know, I see the guy at my newsstand more often than I see most of my friends, so it would be awesome if you could turn down the blatant lechery just a notch so that I could preserve one minuscule shred of dignity.

I’m not going to protest the celeb on your November cover—this time. While I think Lauren Conrad gets way more credit than she merits (a book deal?), I can’t fault her for exploiting every opportunity that’s come her way. Plus she appears to have some life goals other than being photographed at Kitson every day, unlike the squirelly duo of her erstwhile best friend and the friend’s male counterpart, and I’ve already conceded to knowing way more about The Hills than I care to admit in public,  so I’m going to change subjects now.

On to the truly cringe-inducing elements of the November cover:

• “Bad Girl Sex”: Who are we kidding here? The suggestion to turn your body into a naked sushi buffet (that’s not a euphemism) isn’t “bad girl”—it’s just bad.

• “Lose Weight While You Eat”: Sure! I’m so desperate to drop pounds that I’ll believe anything!

•“The Surprising Touch That Whips a Guy on Date #1”: Oh, I get it. Controlling a man with threats of withholding sex is a real achievement. (That might be my age speaking, though. Unlike many of Cosmo’s readers, I’ve been out of high school for a while.)

• “Am I Normal Down There?”: Guess what? Yes! I am, and you are, and so is everyone else! I may not have any formal medical training, but I can say that with certainty, as can anyone who’s ever flipped through an issue of Seventeen.

• “A Cougar Stole My Man”: Because, you know, men are possessions that can just be snatched away! I actually flipped to this article—you know, morbid curiosity—and one of the alleged man-stealing “cougars” is 35. 35! Cosmo, can you get together with the other members of the women’s magazine cabal and get it straight? Am I supposed to think 30 is the new 20 or that 35-year-olds are so wizened they couldn’t possibly attract a man in his twenties?

Anyway, Cosmo, you’ll notice that I still forked over $4.29. You win this round, but I’m ready for a rematch next month.

Love,

Glossed Over

Vogue: Shopping Saves Lives, Marriages, and Sykes

In case the interminable pages of advertisements didn’t make it clear, Vogue has just one simple request for you: spend money! Virtually every page in the October issue has something to buy—from Ralph Lauren fragrance to Tiffany bangles to pretty much every garment that can conceivably be crafted out of fur. (Seriously, so much fur. Is Anna Wintour trying to provoke another pie in the face?)

But until I read this issue, I didn’t know that shopping isn’t merely a way to fill the Vogue-induced perception of a void in my wardrobe. Actually, shopping is an essential pursuit that does more than extract insane sums of money from women to fill the coffers of multinational conglomerates who manufacture everything in the Third World. No, shopping is the solution for everything!

For instance, there’s this anecdote from Joan Juliet Buck’s “Costumes for the Revolution” wherein she discusses her mother’s daring 1968 escape from the demonstration-roiled French capital:

My mother, caught in the upheaval on a little spring shopping trip to Paris, coped with customary brio. She tracked down her father’s old chauffeur and persuaded him to convey her up to Belgium on a tankful of bartered gasoline, with all her new clothes in the trunk.

If she hadn’t had a pile of brand new Parisian designs to protect, she might never have found the courage to seek out a working-class person and bribe her way out of France! Quick, someone commission a TV movie about this incredible triumph of the human spirit!

For those who’ve never been forced to flee a foreign city, a trip to a retailer can serve as the very foundation of a relationship. In “Bliss Travels,” the writer describes how depressed she became after moving to Berlin.  She was so despondent she couldn’t muster the fortitude to slip into her selection of brand new designer dresses. (I’m sure you can relate.) But this story has a happy ending: her husband had available credit.

Back in Germany in December, Justin took me to the KaDeWe, the largest department store in continental Europe, and led me to the Wolford counter. It was cold outside. If I was going to wear dresses, I needed tights.

To my Berliner friends who implied that marriage is pointless, I point to my tights.

Indeed! Without a husband, who will buy your legwear for you?

And in Plum Sykes’ “A Twist, to the Wrist,” my favorite writer describes how shopping is not a frivolous diversion but, in fact, one which provides a woman with a meaningful odyssey that will forever alter her destiny:

There are three things a woman really needs at 38: a husband, at least one child, and a dress with long sleeves, which, I have discovered over the years, may be harder to come by than the husband. I found two potential husbands in the space of four years—and married one of them. But in all that time, I found only one really good dress with long sleeves, despite looking for such a frock just as diligently as I looked for the husband.

The entire article explains Sykes’ continuing quest to find her own Holy Grail, a long-sleeved dress. Her tireless pursuit takes her from downtown Manhattan boutiques to designer showrooms to lunch at exclusive restaurants in pursuit of this rare item women absolutely require. Sykes has selflessly devoted much time and energy to tracking down these elusive artifacts. Such an altruist!

In this rocky economic climate, Vogue realizes that shopping is a surefire way to stimulate the economy. Packed with stories about the vital role that spending money plays in our lives, this issue has truly opened my eyes. Who knew that serving my country would allow me to simultaneously achieve the greatest personal fulfillment? Shopping will fill more than my closet—it will fill my heart! I’ll meet you at the mall!