3: Number of exclamation points in the coverline touting the Jessica Simpson story
$13,000: Value of “stuff you want” that Glamour is giving away, per page 64
1: Number of days editor-in-chief Cindi Leive’s assistant spent dressed as Lady Gaga for the “Dare of the Month”
3.5: Time, in minutes, before most women would be sent home from the office if they showed up in fishnets and a leotard
So, so much: Amount I covet the Hugo Boss bag in the ad following page 78
12: Size clothing worn by model Crystal Renn, whose book, Hungry, is reviewed in “Do Get the Season’s Stylish Reads Here,” complete with an excerpt of a “moment we love”
Perhaps 1: Number of size-12 models photographed by Glamour for this issue (keep reading)
2009: Year in which Glamour apparently thinks red lipstick was invented, given their extravagant praise of the stuff on page 89
3: Pages of lipstick ads surrounding the aforementioned feature (1 immediately before and 2 right after)
Nil: Value of the advice given by Domenico Dolce and Stefano Gabbana to “play up your prettiest parts.” Really? I shouldn’t highlight my worst features?
100: Page on which Faith Hill recommends Coldplay. You know, they’re that obscure new band you might otherwise have never heard of?
100: Coincidentally, also the page on which I lost my patience with mega-rich celebrities sharing their “knowledge.” See also: why I don’t subject myself to GOOP
50: Percent of men surveyed by Glamour who told the magazine they “groom their privates”
15: Age, approximate, at which I last used the word “privates” non-ironically
1987: Year in which pleated high-waisted pants, like those shown on page 116, should remain. What’s next, paperbag waists?
Zero: Amount the use of “Kate Moss” as a verb, as in “11 Touches That ‘Kate Moss’ Your Wardrobe” on page 133, should be tolerated. Please stop. Now.
5: Number of “fantasies he’s having about you right now” and suggested “real way[s] to romance a guy,” as detailed in the “Men, Sex & Love” section
194: Page you should turn to right now to see a model who actually might be a size 12
+1: Points for featuring Robin Givhan in “Meet the Woman on Michelle Watch”
-10: Points for the article not actually being about Givhan, despite its title
35: Percent of survey respondents who think cover star Jessica Simpson should reunite with ex-husband Nick Lachey
Infinite: My astonishment that people actually have an opinion about who Jessica Simpson should date
0: Approximate number of Americans other than me who have neither read nor seen any part of the Twilight series. Four of the films’ stars appear in a beauty feature called—what else?—“Twilight Beauty”
+1: For including a same-sex pair in “Secrets of Happy Couples”
2,497: Estimated appearances of Clinique’s Dramatically Different Moisturizing Lotion in stories similar to “24 Best Beauty Buys Now”
36: Financial tips dispensed in “Your Money,” starting on page 268
Not surprisingly, 0: Recommendations in the aforementioned article to invest in clothes or shoes
4: Violent incidents mentioned in “Sex with a Stranger”
1: Number of men in the same article confessing to “really want[ing] to kill” a woman because she wouldn’t have sex with him
5: Meals actress Meryl Streep claims to get from a single chicken in “Hey, Glamour Readers! Julia Child is Making You Dinner”