According to Allure and Michael Kors, I Am Not a Woman

Have you read Michael Kors' "Ten Things Every Woman Should Have," from the October issue of Allure? This list did not please me, and it’s not because I only own a single thing on it. 

For starters, there's the concept. Be real, Allure: This is a shopping list. Ninety percent of this list is stuff you can buy in a store--including, shockingly enough, multiple items bearing Kors' name! Presenting this as essential advice on womanhood is flat-out lying. 

Then you've got your standard being-a-woman-is-expensive song and dance. Apparently being female requires owning luxury goods. Oops! I guess I am not a woman!

Throw in the icky paternalistic implications of a man dictating how to be a woman and a smarmy, classist tone, and what do you get? 

Pretty much exactly what you'd expect. Here's the list:

1. A red T. Anthony duffel bag. What does the T. stand for? "The Owner of This Bag is Female," obviously, because there’s no better marker of womanhood than a $375 bag. Right?

2. Michael Kors python ankle boots. Indeed. Every woman should have $1,345 to spend on boots! And then she should take that cash and buy, like, 17 pairs of boots instead. 

3. The Audrey Hepburn Couture Muse collection of DVDs. Being a woman involves emulating another woman, apparently. (Also? This is "required viewing" for Kors' employees.)

4. White roses, which he says are the "LBD of flowers." At last, a fashion trope more annoying than "[color of the moment] is the new black"! Kors orders from a fancy florist, but allows that the "corner deli is fine" for the rest of us. Isn't that generous?

5. Clarins Radiance-Plus Golden Glow Body Lotion. Because real women look like they've just returned from a tropical vacation. Duh.

6. A Slim Aarons photography book. I had no idea what the picture of a 1960 Stowe, Vermont, ski lodge included in the article had to do with being a woman until I looked up Slim Aarons in Wikipedia and learned his modus operandi was "photographing attractive people doing attractive things in attractive places." Which sounds suspiciously like a fashion magazine, does it not?

7. A Michael Kors silver cuff, for the woman who "can’t afford an amazing piece of modern sculpture." Wow. Between the "corner deli" crack and this, he’s making a real case for a peasants' revolt (not to mention promoting that fashion-as-investment nonsense). But wait! It gets better worse!

8. An African safari. Kors says, "The circle of life is not just in a Broadway show." How would we plebeians know? Has this guy seen the price of Broadway tickets lately? But seriously: this is shocking, disgusting snobbery.

9. A sense of humor. Yes! I agree! I wish men had one too! Especially when they’re asked to make lists about how women should be!

10. Another $$$ Michael Kors product that I can’t even be bothered to type out.

You know, there's been a lot of talk about class war lately. I'm no economics expert, but I have to consider whether lists like this contribute to the growing divide in the United States between rich and poor. When it comes to Michael Kors, that divide goes beyond the stuff he's selling, the visible markers of affluence. Even allowing that his comments about the "circle of life" were surely intended to be cheeky and his note about deli flowers meant to be inclusive, condescension is a critical part of the package. He's positioning luxury items not as fashion accessories but as indicators of exclusivity, superiority, and sophistication.

Adding that to the "Things Every Woman Should Own" conceit only makes it worse. According to this article, being a woman requires buying luxury brands and looking down my nose at those who can't or won't buy the same. Is that really the best modern womanhood can aspire to? Michael Kors, I will never be your woman.

Comments

[Lisa]

Holy crap. I'm not a woman either! Except if you count that throwaway item #9 "sense of humor" which seems more like an afterthought or something MK's intern added afterwards.

I mean, I like luxury goods as much as the next materialistic chick but this sounds like the grocery list of some aging bourgeoisie who hasn't left her mansion in a few decades ("yes, and an African safari daaahling and where are my Ecuadorian white roses, Geoffrey?! I'm having a Hepburn moment dears.." )
Advertorials blow.

[grace]

Well, since you're now in NYC, that has to count to make you a little more of a real woman, no? :)

[Rebecca]

I know Michael Kors "is like a totally important designer," but could Allure really not find a successful, sophisticated WOMAN to list the ten things every woman should have?

[Krazy Kitty]

I don't even know who Kors is (looks like he's a designer, I suppose). I do seem to have about a gazillion better things to have than knowledge of this, though. Not even mentioning the things in this list of his.

[Jaycee]

I have a feeling Kors knows perfectly well that this isn't a serious list of things women should have. More like "One Thing Every Person Should Have, Three Ways Every Woman Should Give Me More Money, and Six Things Nobody Needs But Should Make the Advertisers Happy."

Also, I have a silver cuff that costs $15 and was designed by God knows who, and it's MUCH more attractive than anything this idiot designed. (I checked.) And anyone who actually owns Michael Kors python ankle boots should be dragged into an alley and beaten over the head with them.

[Leah]

Wendy, if I were as smart as you, I'd be able to articulate the outrage that this list engenders. Thank you for doing such a magnificent job of it.

And on a totally superficial note: I didn't even recognize Olivia Wilde, and I adore her. How did they Photoshop all of the personality out of her??

[GlobalAsianista]

For writing this lousy list, Michael Kors is now officially not a man.

[recherche rencontres]

Thanks for this article ! :)

[amy]

You can buy plenty of this assclowns crap at Marshalls. Please...

[SteveWalter]

Very informative article. Thanks for having this one. :)

[Amanda]

Well, we know Michael Kors is definately not a woman since he's about as funny as chicken pox.

I can't stand the man. He is SO smarmy and I am SO glad I never shelled out so much as two bits for his fugly clothing and accessories. I won't even buy them from the base exchange where they're a third of the price, which is still too much.

Every time I see him on Project Runway I wanna jump through the screen and throttle both he and Nina Garcia. They're both completely insufferable and have no taste whatsoever.

[Mjx]

Funny, and here I understood that the essence of chic was being able to make even cheap stuff look good.

The comment about art is that of a fool who buys art as an investment, only. Just off the top of my head I can think of half a dozen artists whose work is extremely strong (not code for 'are my friends', since I have several friends whom I adore, and whose work is not particularly strong) and happens to be affordable, even for those whose whose incomes (if not their common sense) make it unlikely thay'd buy any item on this list.

Is any sane woman taking any of this sort of 'advice' seriously?

[Kathleen]

This is hilarious... I love Michael Kors, but seriously what does he really know about being a woman?