There's Nothing Sexy About InStyle's "Look Better Naked"

Many many years ago, I briefly dated a guy who was, well, not particularly nice.  Watching a movie at his place one afternoon, he leaned in for a kiss. (Mom and Dad, avert your eyes here.) Matters progressed, he tugged the hem of my t-shirt over my head, and then he rolled his eyes at my basic beige bra. “Don’t you have any sexy underwear?” he asked.

All I could think was: Dude, I’m taking my clothes off for you. How is that not enough?

Therein lies the problem with February’s glut of lingerie and look-better-naked stories: they’re so focused on an artificial construct of romance that they miss the point. If, as magazines often say, feeling sexy means feeling comfortable in your own skin, then endless articles exhorting the virtues of self-tanners, lacy knickers, and styling products aren't exactly conducive to developing that self-confidence.

And that’s what makes InStyle’s “10 Ways to Look Better Naked” so utterly ludicrous. Among their suggestions:

• Weight loss

Got 30 minutes and $85 to spend on detoxifying salts? Great!

We shed 3 inches of water weight and felt thinner for about 48 hours.

And you can keep those inches off, too, provided you don’t do anything outlandish like, say, eat or drink. People don’t typically go to romantic restaurants on Valentine’s Day, do they?

• Jewelry

The magazine suggests highlighting your back, which it calls “a very sexy region of the body.” The best way to do that? With an $850 gemstone-studded lariat chain, obviously. Without pricey jewels pointing the way, how would a man know what to focus on?

• Home décor

“Amber casts skin in a warm, rosy glow,” says [interior designer Ron] Woodson, who suggests placing a red-hued bulb in bedside lamps and painting your ceiling a barely there shade of peach or pink to enhance the effect.

Painting the ceiling? Painting the ceiling! That seems excessively vain, but at least they didn’t suggest installing a mirror up there.

Of course, the article also covers the usual territory of depilation, exfoliation, and cosmetic trickery to hide any traces of humanity blemishes and bruises. But unless you’re disrobing for a sculptor who’ll immortalize your every detail in marble, isn’t this overkill? There’s probably a 3,000-word essay here about treating women like objects and the deleterious effects of porn and how the media tries to define our sexuality, but I’ll just leave it at this:

If you’re naked and your partner dares frown at your white ceiling or a stray stretch mark, your relationship is way beyond InStyle’s help. Also, you’re probably dating my ex-boyfriend.

Comments

[Rio]

Sheesh. The most I do before my boyfriend and I hook up is shower, shave, clean up my bedroom, and put on some nice underwear. I don't have time to do everything else InStyle suggests, and I know he'd just start wondering when I became so fussy if I did.

[gina]

Also, their lingerie for "any price, any size" should have been titled "lingerie for more than you probably want to spend if you are a 34B or 36C".

[Ann]

I think my husband would blow a gasket if I suggested painting the ceiling so I would look better naked!

[Krazy Kitty]

Unfortunately, there's many men out there who are exactly like your ex-boyfriend.

And I bet *they* don't even look perfect naked!

[Belinda Gomez]

But you should always paint your rooms, esp, the bedroom in a color that flatters you! I don't think that's all that odd, but I wouldn't haul out the ladders just for Valentines' Day.
And if he likes sexy lingerie, he can buy it.

[Cato]

Hmm, I dunno, I feel like if you do some of these things it acts as a bit of a placebo - maybe having a peach ceiling isn't going to make much of a difference to how you look, but if you believe it will you'll be more confident, which is supposedly what's so sexy, right?

[Ally]

You're hilarious. (Post more often!) And you're an on-point social/media critic.

My magazine consumer's brain was blown in that moment in "Devil Wears Prada" when Streep's character says to feature more advertisers in the magazine content. I mean I'm pretty savvy and all, but I never realized it was that blatant. Now I play "match the content to the ads" with women's mags. If they can't sell you stuff with their "articles" and "advice", the magazine people ain't doing their job -- hence the $850 lariat necklace instead of say, the guy looking where he looks anyway, or if he's an exception to the rule, I don't know -- drawing an arrow on yourself with a Sharpie (But then, should you date a guy who needs arrows and lariats? No.)

That's what I like about Lucky Magazine. It's straightforward clothes, styling and fashion. They don't write three-page paeans to plastic surgery procedures (Elle), Plum Sykes' expense account (Vogue), give metaphorical fellatio to designers for better seats at the next runway show (Elle, Vogue, MC, etc.), or cobble together puff political pieces (aforementioned, ditto). I love Lucky for the styling, and I love Harper's and The Nation for the politics. Niche magazines beat short-attention-span/a-sloppy-bit-of-everything puffery every day.

Anyway, re: your personal life, I'm sure your ex was model-beautiful, with ever-minty breath, and a selection of pressed Armani undies, and perfect table manners. No? Color me shocked. Creep. I hope you put your shirt back on after that comment, or learned to do so with future creeps.

[Vanessa]

This makes me so mad, but doesn't surprise me. I think it makes me MOST angry that it doesn't surprise me.

[Mjx]

Nah, the sort of people who immortalize the figure in stone have better things to do than waste their time giving their models (I worked as one for over a dozen years) a hard time because they have a blemish or haven't bothered to shave in a couple of weeks :D

[casino spielen]

Sexualization has also been a subject of debate for academics who work in media and cultural studies. Here, the term has not been used to simply to label what is seen as a social problem, but to indicate the much broader and varied set of ways in which sex has become more visible in media and culture. These include; the widespread discussion of sexual values, practices and identities in the media; the growth of sexual media of all kinds; for example, erotica, slash fiction, sexual self-help books and the many genres of pornography; the emergence of new forms of sexual experience, for example instant message or avatar sex made possible by developments in technology; a public concern with the breakdown of consensus about regulations for defining and dealing with obscenity; the prevalence of scandals, controversies and panics around sex in the media

[jill]

love this post!

[KINGRPG]

I like that you think. Thank you for share very much.

[Michael]

Years ago, when I asked if he had milk or sugar in his Adirondack cabin, my uncle snorted, "If you don't like coffee, you should drink something else."

I've always thought that the phrase could be applied (sort of, a little) to the relationship between sex and glossy-magazine "sexiness." Men who are attracted to women, or specifically to a woman, don't care much about her underpants. They are interested in what's inside, both physically and otherwise. It's when they are attracted to something else -- a fantasy image, or the particular experience of undressing, or whatever -- that the other stuff matters. (Painted ceilings? The only guys I know who would even notice really don't care for women at all.)

Of course, women may have a different experience of all this. There may be a real sense of confidence that comes from knowing your toenails are trim and well-painted, and that confidence certainly does count for something. A boyfriend may react to the confidence, but I doubt he'll react to the pedicure.

[Nikki Hardin]

You are so so funny!

[Air Yeezy]

Great content and it's so helpful for me. But it's so weird that you blog is in a mess through my explorer. Is that my explorer problem? But it's pretty normal when exploring other blog.

by Air Yeezy

[coach handbags]

You have written an excellent blog that has convinced me to read this! Excellent Job!

[Jess]

Wow, ridiculous. There should be personal reasons for losing weight not so your other half finds you more attractive. Plus exfoliation etc. should be to make you feel good while naked rather than looking better.

InStyle's team are obviously single...

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[Michelle]

@Krazy Kitty
Rofl...Things have a changed a lot..as you all know Change is the essence of life/love....

[executive training]

I loved this issue. Well, the article about looking better naked didn't impress me, I admit. But the cover is so beautiful, Heidi looks gorgeous.

[In style]

Wow your looking very sexy and hot.....
http://www.vivamagonline.com/CoverStories_Cynthia.php

[rapidshare]

God damn!! All these comments are tempting me up...

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