Lowest Common Denominator: Cosmopolitan, February

6: Minutes per day needed to “score a slammin’ bod,” according to the cover

Infinite: The disingenuousness of a Cover Girl ad suggesting readers “go for beauty on your own terms” by eschewing department-store cosmetics for the Cover Girl brand. Thanks, Cover Girl, for telling me what my own terms are! Apparently my terms involve buying slightly less expensive stuff I don’t need.

25: Cosmopolitan’s “magic age” for getting married, as cited on page 36

100: In “Beauty: His Picks,” number of men surveyed about whether nail decals are “fun and flirty” or “too over-the-top”

Apparently zero: Number of women surveyed for the same article about whether they care what 100 random men think of their fingernails

1950s: Decade whose gender stereotypes Cosmo rejects in “Are You Turning Your Boyfriend Into a Girlie Man?”—right before suggesting steak and football are inherently masculine and salad, Cat Power, and French movies are inextricably feminine.

101: Page of the aforementioned article that made my head explode. The culprit phrase? “Do more gender-neutral activities with your man (see our “Manly Date Ideas,” at right)…” Since when does “gender-neutral” default to “manly”?

1: Appallingly evocative reference to an erect penis as a “giant breakfast sausage” on page 105. Sorry, I couldn’t let that one pass!

9: Of the thirteen men Cosmo’s crowned its “Fun Fearless Males 2010,” the number who are actors (The other four are a musician, an athlete, a TV producer, and Dr. Oz.)

“Almost 200” and “up to 300”: The supposedly shocking calorie counts in bottled teas and wrap sandwiches, according to “These Healthy Foods Can Make You Fat”

Endless: Stories in this issue devoted to pleasing men sexually (“4 Traits Men Find Irresistible,” “99 Hot New Sex Tips...In 20 Words or Less,” “Tap In to Your Seductive Powers,” “The One Time He Always Wants You”)

4 apiece: Pages devoted to articles about fertility and inter-racial couples

3: Pages devoted to a story about the decline of the thong

2: Pages dedicated to police officer Ally Jacobs, whose investigative work led to the arrest of Jaycee Dugard's captor

Huge: My—and, I’m sure, your—relief at learning one needn’t get a job at Cosmopolitan to achieve the same success with men that its staffers enjoy, because the magazine found 13 of them to give us the inside scoop. Lessons offered by current and former magazine staffers in “Engaged at Cosmo!” include these gems: cook his favorite dishes, avoid discussing marriage, don’t freak out when he plays Guitar Hero (like someone would?), and always wear the latest nail polish.

Zip: Actual eroticism in this month’s edition of “Red Hot Reads,” as exemplified by this decidedly unsexy sentence: “It felt so good that coherent thought was behind her, but she did realize it had never been like this with any other man before.”

Comments

[Joy]

Here's what I read from the Cosmo cover "man man men men man, you need a man or you're irrelevant." Where is the fashion?

[Rio]

If forced to choose between football and a French movie, I would ALWAYS go for the football. So suck it, Cosmo. Also, COLTS.

“It felt so good that coherent thought was behind her, but she did realize it had never been like this with any other man before.”

Ew. Did Bill O'Reilly come up with that one?

[Vanessa]

Giant breakfast sausage? Really? I have to see this.

[Carrie]

Love the "Grow Long Hair Fast" teaser...because if there's one more thing you should be insecure about, it's that your freaking hair is not growing quickly enough!

[TaraCuda]

How will Cosmo go on if the thong is in decline? Isn't that the staple of a fun, fearless female?

[Joelle]

My daughter chose Cosmo to critique for her journalism class in college and then was embarrassed about her choice it was shallow.

[femme]

Well, Rio, I would choose the French film - but so would my boyfriend. ;)

[Mjx]

I cannot bring myself to leaf through most 'women's' magazines anymore, so the question that leapt to mind was whether 'The One Time He Always Wants You' mentions 'when you are washing dishes, particularly if something fragile/sharp/obscenely heavy is involved' as the front-runner? Or does this only happen to me, because am I a so-erotically-charged being, that even my scowling into a basin of suds (which I do not enjoy having run into my sleeves) whips men into a state of uncontrollable lust?

[couture dresses]

I also think Cosmo is talking too much about relationships, problems in bed, finding a guy of your dreams etc. There's not enough fashion and lifestyle there. Pity, I used to like this magazine.