The 20 Life-Changing Lessons in September's Cosmopolitan

Until I read this month’s issue, I thought Cosmopolitan was like the TSA: a mostly pointless institution that nonetheless will never go away.    

It takes a big person to admit they were wrong. So, I’m just going to come out and say it: I’m a big person. The September issue was full of top-notch journalistic insight and information that will undoubtedly change my life—and yours, too!

Here are the top twenty things I gleaned from those precious 262 pages:

1.    “Hoo-ha” an acceptable word to print on a magazine cover. But is it better than “va-jay-jay”?

2.    Cosmo’s reporters doggedly pursue their subjects in a quest for truth. For instance: After a showdown that must have rivaled the Frost-Nixon interviews in tension, actress Kristen Bell finally admitted that—ready?—she eats no salad dressing except Bob’s Big Boy bleu cheese. Scandalous!

3.    Interacting with a male in the wrong way can have disastrous consequences. That’s why “Grab His Butt Like This” so painstakingly described four different ways of, well, grabbing a man’s butt. The stakes are high!

4.    At last, there is a cure for the dreaded football addiction that strikes so many men. And about time, too, because there’s no way we would enjoy watching football with them! (“The Guy Report,” page 76)

5.    The Rolling Stones are relevant in 2009, because a $44 Stones logo tee is a must for fall. Guess my New Pornographers t-shirt needs to hang unworn in the closet until I’m eligible for Social Security. (“8 Must-Have Items,” page 83)

6.    It’s possible to be “ballsy” and have a hoo-ha, and the best way to demonstrate that is by pairing socks with high-heeled sandals! Could this be the fourth wave of feminism? (“Ballsy Looks to Try Now,” page 86)

7.    Someone at Cosmo thinks “brond” is a word meaning a mix of blond and brunette hair. And I’d pegged “shootie” as this year’s ubiquitous portmanteau!

8.    Camilla Belle is more well-known than I thought. Cosmo surveyed 100 men to find out which shade of lipstick they prefer on her, and none of the responses were “Who’s Camilla Belle?”

9.    Actress Anna Faris is “ballsy,” just like socks and sandals! Good for her! She even has a hoo-ha. (“Fun Fearless Female,” page 120)

10.    Cosmo girls aren’t concerned with a man’s looks. That’s why the magazine devised a “Stud Meter” to inform readers of famous men’s physical charms. Among the findings: Ryan Reynolds and Chace Crawford are more attractive than a cross-dressing Mariah Carey or Coolio. Yes, Coolio. If the Stones are relevant now, his time is coming!

11.    According to “The Perfect Girl for Me,” Jon Krasinski likes women who wear cardigans. I have an extensive collection of cardigans. Just wanted to put that out there.

12.    It’s important to own a wide variety of makeup brushes. On the cover, the magazine promises a sex trick so wild that “you’ll be the first girl naughty enough to try [it] on him.” The suggestion requires a makeup brush, but it doesn’t specify what size! Kabuki? Shadow? Blush? Better test them all! (“50 Sexy Ways to Touch Him There,” page 132)

13.    You will be threatened by your man’s friends and must develop a strategy to vanquish them. It’s just a fact. (“A Field Guide to His Friends,” page 143)

14.    Constant vigilance is important. Right now, there is a good-looking man in your life who’s convinced you he’s normal. But he will almost certainly shatter all your illusions when he goes on a massive killing spree! Okay, I cheated—I already knew that because it’s in EVERY SINGLE ISSUE of this magazine. (“Killer Charm,” page 156)

15.    “His Kiss: How Wet is Too Wet?” (page 164) is a matter so serious that every woman should carefully consider the matter. After all, Cosmo calls it “Need to Know,” and they’ve never misjudged our priorities, intellect, or interests!

16.    The average Cosmo reader is not qualified to treat brain trauma, and people with head injuries should visit a licensed physician instead. (“8 Times You Should Never Play Doctor,” page 184)

17.     Beware of men wearing glasses—they may be perverts or fiends! According to “I Wax Guys’ Privates for a Living,” the author can detect a creep with a simple visual inspection. She says:

 …even glasses can be a tip-off. Think about it: A guy who’s vain enough to prune his package will care about his outward appearance and get contacts.

And all this time I thought men wearing glasses simply wanted to improve their vision and carefully chose their glasses to compliment their looks! I’m going to clutch my purse tighter and cross the street next time I see a glasses-wearing man in public. (Full disclosure: I wear glasses.)

18.    At the office, there’s no need to distinguish myself through enthusiasm or quality work. My wardrobe alone will prove to the higher-ups that I deserve a promotion! According to “Crush the Competition,” ruffles prove I’m detail-oriented, brightly colored dresses demonstrate my independent thinking, and trendy accessories relay my savvy. Why did I go to college when I could have just gone shopping?

19.    Any woman can have skin as glowing and youthful as Halle Berry’s! All it requires is a dermatologist, aesthetician, injectable fillers, frequent visits to a med spa, and thousands of dollars. (“Why They Still Look This Fantastic,” page 232)

20.     I learned so much, I’m going to read this magazine every month. Cosmo, I’m sorry I ever doubted you!

Comments

[Laura]

I don't know how I got through life without knowing all of these things. Thanks Cosmo.

And cardigans are a staple in my wardrobe. Better go find John Krazinski so he can see me in them. That's probably the most important thing I learned.

[Parsing Nonsense]

I think if I had to come up with content for Cosmo on a regular basis I'd probably end up with a drinking problem.

[Charlene]

Cosmo: if you can't wear contacts for a medical reason, you're a lying malingerer! You really just don't care about your looks!

Oh, and poor people are subhumans, but Cosmo already taught us that.

[Krazy Kitty]

I don't see how "hoo-ha" can be an acceptable word to print on a magazine cover, seeing as it is not even a word. It's not enough to assemble random letters and hyphens to make a word.

And am I the only person to think "make-up brush" and "sexual trick" should never, ever belong to the same sentence?

But then I wear glasses and no contacts, so what do I know about looks anyway.

[Mikaela's Jet-set Beauty]

I absolutely love your running commentary...

And I'd like to add, the only thing more frightening than Cosmo itself are the women who actually take it as the gospel - everyone is acquainted with someone like this. I've known more than a few of them, and it's hard to believe they're actually grown women, not 16 year old girls.

[Bee]

I abso-freaking-lutely love this post. Thank you for making my MONTH! : )

[Organic Make Up]

Spounds funny but the world is prepared for a lot of change in every way.

[Maria]

I am ecstatic! The truth is spoken. THANK YOU for having a brain , I just can't believe we are expected to read this crap.

[Robin]

Thank you so much for posting this. You are my hero.

[Madame Defarge]

Oh, those fiendishly perverted glasses-wearing creeps. It's not as if any girl would possibly be attracted to nerd-chic boys who actually have priorities greater than their appearance, or as if said girls would ever wear glasses themselves.
Personally, I wear contacts, but I do have my "glasses days", which nearly always follow all-nighters spent diligently studying so those women who have just now realized they shouldn't play doctor to their man's brain trauma will actually have someone to bring him to.
As for my man, he wears glasses, because he's a hugely perverted creep... wait, no, it's because a psychopathic family member once beat him so badly that the permanent abrasions on his eyes make contacts torture.
You know what Cosmo? I think I can figure out the fiends myself, thanks. (Or maybe he is a fiend, since he prefers opera to sports and enjoys cooking and cleaning. But then again, I would be a fiendish lady too, according to Cosmo- I hate sappy romantic movies, actively follow the hockey playoffs, and actually, you know, talk to men to find out what they're thinking, instead of playing silly mind games.)