Marie Claire: Sorry, Ashley Olsen, You're No Astronaut

The September issue of Marie Claire is rife with fascinating women. There’s “Danger Junkies,” about an astronaut, a Kenya-based wildlife conservationist, and three other women with unusual professions; there’s “Nightmare in the Jungle,” about Clara Rojas, a political prisoner held captive in Colombia for six  years.

And then there is Ashley Olsen...who’s never left Earth’s atmosphere, but who was stuck on Full House for eight seasons. Close enough!

“Ashley Olsen Puts it All Together” is six pages of photos and two pages of text that couldn’t possibly be more pedestrian—Ashley is actually quoted saying “I love scaffolding.” Scaffolding! It’s as if the interview was conducted with a tacit acknowledgment that no one had to try very hard because celebrities are inherently interesting, although anyone who’s read the millionth iteration of Jennifer Aniston’s single-and-satisfied manifesto knows that’s decidedly not the case.

So what is the point of this profile, exactly? Your guess is as good as mine. Let's start with this:

…gazing at some hideous flowered overalls she was put in at age 6 or 7, she has to admit, “I remember really loving these.”

You don’t say! A 6-year-old loved clothes that she would never wear as an adult? Stars are just like us!

But only a celebrity could deliver this statement so utterly lacking in perspective that it’s borderline offensive:

“It was almost like I was in the army,” Ashley says. “School, work, homework, fly to New York, get in at 2 in the morning, do a morning show at 5 a.m., then another one at 7, then a radio interview at 10, you know?”

Yes, Ashley, that’s almost what it’s like serving in the army. Remember that time enemy troops opened fire on your convoy when you were headed to Good Morning America?

But at least Ashley shares some thoughtful commentary about fashion, right? Wrong!

She tells Marie Claire she wants to create “an educated garment,” whatever that means, and says this:

“I think you’re either born with a sense of style or you’re not,” Ashley says… “Either you care or you don’t.”

Naturally, there is no follow-up to these seemingly contradictory statements. So, rather than focusing on her inscrutable views on fashion, let’s look at Ashley’s future.

“What if I want to go and build furniture? What if I just want to be an artist, or if I want to go back to acting? …”

Such is the prerogative of someone who is—finally—fully in charge. Life is good when everything is possible.

Yes, we can all learn a lesson from Ashley—your options are never limited when you have ungodly amounts of cash! See how easy it is to live the life of your dreams? Sheesh.

Can we please abandon this charade that every celeb with a project to promote has something profound to share? Marie Claire bills this feature on the cover as “Ashley Olsen spills her secrets,” but unless her mother’s preference for large sunglasses was on the DL, she does no such thing. With apologies to Gertrude Stein, there’s no there there. (Unless photos of Ashley wearing copious amounts of eyeliner and high-waisted panties mesmerize you, in which case, you’ve probably already framed these pages. Different strokes…)

By no means is Marie Claire the worst perpetrator of pointless celeb worship. But famous faces on magazine covers and content-free profiles within convey the message that style and substance are suspiciously similar, and this bland interview makes it abundantly clear that Ashley’s just there to snag some attention and move newsstand copies. It's a Faustian bargain between magazines and celebrities that ignores one very important factor: readers.

Are we really supposed to be more interested in the thousandth article this year about a 23-year-old tabloid fixture than in a woman who’s been to SPACE? Sorry, Ashley: it’s nothing personal, but I’d much rather read about an astronaut.

Comments

[Rio]

WTF? "I love scaffolding?" Was that supposed to be her attempt at pretending she has interests outside of her own hyperprivileged little world? Next thing you know, Mary-Kate will have a similar profile in Glamour in which she waxes poetic about latticework.

[Grace]

I also loved the part where she talked about how she and Mary Kate like to take designer clothes and just hack them up with scissors.

[Deborah]

You have some of the best snarky comments I've read... I am laughing out loud at your archives...

[Jezebel]

This profile struck me as super fangirly - Ashley's outfit today is so effortlessly cool, Ashley's sense of style is a gift from the fashion gods, Ashley makes the more perfectest clothes ever! I felt like I was reading the chapter in every Babysitters Club book where they talk about Claudia and Stacey and their amazing fashion sense.