Lowest Common Denominator: Glamour, September

3: Number of exclamation points in the coverline touting the Jessica Simpson story

$13,000: Value of “stuff you want” that Glamour is giving away, per page 64

1: Number of days editor-in-chief Cindi Leive’s assistant spent dressed as Lady Gaga for the “Dare of the Month”

3.5: Time, in minutes, before most women would be sent home from the office if they showed up in fishnets and a leotard

So, so much: Amount I covet the Hugo Boss bag in the ad following page 78

12: Size clothing worn by model Crystal Renn, whose book, Hungry, is reviewed in “Do Get the Season’s Stylish Reads Here,” complete with an excerpt of a “moment we love”

Perhaps 1: Number of size-12 models photographed by Glamour for this issue (keep reading)

2009: Year in which Glamour apparently thinks red lipstick was invented, given their extravagant praise of the stuff on page 89

3: Pages of lipstick ads surrounding the aforementioned feature (1 immediately before and 2 right after)

Nil: Value of the advice given by Domenico Dolce and Stefano Gabbana to “play up your prettiest parts.” Really? I shouldn’t highlight my worst features?

100: Page on which Faith Hill recommends Coldplay. You know, they’re that obscure new band you might otherwise have never heard of?

100: Coincidentally, also the page on which I lost my patience with mega-rich celebrities sharing their “knowledge.” See also: why I don’t subject myself to GOOP

50: Percent of men surveyed by Glamour who told the magazine they “groom their privates”

15: Age, approximate, at which I last used the word “privates” non-ironically

1987: Year in which pleated high-waisted pants, like those shown on page 116, should remain. What’s next, paperbag waists?

Zero: Amount the use of “Kate Moss” as a verb, as in “11 Touches That ‘Kate Moss’ Your Wardrobe” on page 133, should be tolerated. Please stop. Now.

5: Number of “fantasies he’s having about you right now” and suggested “real way[s] to romance a guy,” as detailed in the “Men, Sex & Love” section

194: Page you should turn to right now to see a model who actually might be a size 12

+1: Points for featuring Robin Givhan in “Meet the Woman on Michelle Watch”

-10: Points for the article not actually being about Givhan, despite its title

35: Percent of survey respondents who think cover star Jessica Simpson should reunite with ex-husband Nick Lachey

Infinite: My astonishment that people actually have an opinion about who Jessica Simpson should date

0: Approximate number of Americans other than me who have neither read nor seen any part of the Twilight series. Four of the films’ stars appear in a beauty feature called—what else?—“Twilight Beauty”

+1: For including a same-sex pair in “Secrets of Happy Couples”

2,497: Estimated appearances of Clinique’s Dramatically Different Moisturizing Lotion in stories similar to “24 Best Beauty Buys Now”

36: Financial tips dispensed in “Your Money,” starting on page 268

Not surprisingly, 0: Recommendations in the aforementioned article to invest in clothes or shoes

4: Violent incidents mentioned in “Sex with a Stranger”

1: Number of men in the same article confessing to “really want[ing] to kill” a woman because she wouldn’t have sex with him

5: Meals actress Meryl Streep claims to get from a single chicken in “Hey, Glamour Readers! Julia Child is Making You Dinner”

Comments

[MrsBugs]

You are not alone! I haven't seen any of the Twilight stuff either. Don't really plan on it. I think seeing Kristen Stewart's mug everywhere turned me off. Does she ever brush her hair or look like she got a good night's sleep? I'm thinking not.

[Erin]

And apparently there's more than you think! I haven't read the Twilight books or seen the movie either. :D

[Leah]

Neither have I....although I've certainly seen plenty of the spoofs.

[Debra Snider]

Count me in on the growing number of people who haven't read or seen any part of the Twilight series. Only thing I know about it, actually, is Stephen King's comment that Stephanie Meyer isn't a very good writer. Well, that and the fact that almost every intelligent person I know is also happily in the dark about the whole phenom.

Thanks for the usual wonderful post! I haven't read any of these mags in years, largely for the reasons you so eloquently set forth. Reading your blog is infinitely preferable.

[Ann]

Count me in on the never seeing Twilight also. Even my teenage daughter and her friend are sick of the hype.

It's so good to see you back. I used to be a fashion magazine junkie and I've really been disappointed in the direction the magazines have taken and it's great to know I'm not alone.

[Roxy]

One more warm body here who hasn't succumbed to the Twilight series. I thoroughly enjoy your site- you so eloquently put into words the thoughts I have when confronted by the idiocy that fashion magazines spew.

[Lizzy]

I swear, I am not making this up, but Twilight was actually required reading for one of my classes in Spring. (It was a course about gender and pop culture). I am not the type to bitch and moan about a book or film simply because it is popular, and I generally enjoy cheesy romantic films and books, but I cannot say enough about how terrible it was. The writing was so sub-par that parts of it appeared unedited, and the characters were whiny and unlikeable. You all are best off staying in the dark on this phenomenon.

[Andi]

" Perhaps 1: Number of size-12 models photographed by Glamour for this issue (keep reading)"

Try 0 in the UK Glamour :s
I guess it's the same across borders...

[Cafe Fashionista]

To be quite honest, I almost purchased this issue on the newsstand yesterday, but the "Sex With A Stranger" article changed my mind...there was something about the content that made me uncomfortable.

By the way, I too have yet to succumb to the Twilight phenomena. I have attempted to read the books countless times, but I can't get into them - I suppose they're not my cup of tea. I would, however, like to see the film sometime.

[Andi]

I'm being forced to watch Twilight on DVD tonight...wish me luck :s

Cafe fashionista - I've not bought magazines because of some of the headlines on the front page either...plus I nearly didn't buy this month's Glamour (UK) because Katie Price aka Jordan (British glamour model/reality tv "star") was the cover girl, telling the whole world about her divorce...tasteful.

[Mrs.M in MI]

Count me in as another person who refuses to have anything to do with the whole Twilight thing! My sister is a children's librarian and told me not to touch the thing with a ten-foot pole.