A Sticky Situation in Lucky's September Issue

In its patriotic mission to stimulate the economy, Lucky does everything it can to make shopping easier for the few, the proud, the misanthropes who detest malls, and the between-sizes Americans prone to fitting-room meltdowns. With the stickers marked “YES!” and “MAYBE?” in every issue, vicarious shopping has never been easier! 

This month, instead of tearing out the stickers to annotate a publication with actual paragraphs (like, say, a book), I actually affixed them to the magazine's comparatively noteworthy pages. And in my mission to help you avoid “reading” Lucky, here's what I culled from the September issue:

YES! I may need the entirety of Anna Sui’s Gossip Girl-inspired collection for Target, now that I’ve seen the two-page ad near the front of this issue. Unchecked spending on stuff I don’t need makes me a good American, right?

YES! Just as expected, Kim France’s “Editor’s Letter” does acknowledge the crummy financial climate, but adds that “against all odds,” the magazine’s fashion editors found plenty of great stuff for fall. Such sacrifice!

YES! Lucky continues its slaughter of the English language on page 94, trotting out the non-word “splurgier.” Are there fuses in my brain? Because I think one just blew.

MAYBE? It is totally acceptable to shop at outlets. If you’re in Italy and buying stuff at the Prada outlet, that is. (page 108)

YES! There exists an article of clothing called “zoot pants,” and Lucky’s “Style Spy” expects you to wear them for fall.

YES! Lucky’s editors may suffer from long-term memory loss, since they’ve managed to load up “The Smart Shopping Sourcebook” with heaps of accessories and clothes under $100, but can’t seem to remember those stylish bargains long enough to insert many of them in other features.

YES! According to “Accessories Report,” eyeglasses are in for fall. Great! I hate when glasses are out and I have to go around squinting. Suffer for fashion, right? (Or, you know, wear them and look like I don’t care about my appearance at all.)

MAYBE? Ed Hardy’s new perfume, which, according to the ad in this issue, is a “vintage tattoo inspired fragrance,” could be less appealing. But probably not.

YES! Cosmetics are the sure path to happiness and fulfillment! According to “Beauty Spy,” hot pink blush will make you “instantly feel 5,000 times prettier.” The latest anti-wrinkle potions are “kind of miraculous.” A saffron lip stain is “unexpectedly gorgeous”—for $65, it had better be. A new Maybelline lipstick is “perfect,” and a handful of acne products work with “stunning efficiency.” Yay!

MAYBE? Despite the wisdom so altruistically dispensed on page 214, most readers probably don’t need detailed instructions on shampooing.

YES! It is possible to “Love Your Hair,” as page 224 exuberantly instructs. It doesn’t require a shift in perspective—just a heap of drugstore products, a $140 flat iron, and a $34 shampoo. Easy!

MAYBE? We shouldn’t take beauty editors’ advice as gospel, since in “Skin Regimens of Beauty Editors,” one confesses that she hates washing her face at night and another never takes off her eye makeup before bed. As all of us who’ve been indoctrinated by a lifetime of women’s mags know, not washing up before sleeping is a cardinal sin.

MAYBE? I might have actually used the stickers to mark various pages of the “Lucky Fall Shoe Guide.” I’ll never tell.

YES! As noted in “40s Modern,” the right clothes can make me “magpie-cool.” Whatever that means.

YES! A $415 leopard-print blouse can be worn for work, weekend, and evening, according to “Fall’s Most Versatile Pieces.” Good thing, too, because at that price, it’d be the only blouse I own.

MAYBE? An $1195 Emporio Armani jacket and $630 Bruno Frisoni pumps, as seen on pages 280 and 281, aren’t the best exemplars of the “punk rock” or “collegiate” style the spread is supposed to embody. But then, neither is posing those “punk rock” models in front of a nightclub advertising a show presented by Radio Disney. Oops!

YES! Now that I’ve read the entire issue, I do want to purchase a new wardrobe! Lucky, you’ve successfully completed your mission.

Comments

[Samantha]

"Are there fuses in my brain? Because I think one just blew"

HAHAHAHAHAHA! I was reading this at work and almost died laughing!

[Mjx]

I could not bring myself to read about the butchery of the English language, since splurgier made me scream and nearly spill coffee into my keyboard. I'm trying to not even imagine it.

I do want to mention one thing, however: Italian Malls. Or at least 'THE MALL' outside Florence. Now, I live in the EU, so getting to Italy is unquestionably a cheaper trip than it is when I'm in the US, but IF you happen to find yourself in Italy, you might want to check out an outlet mall. I know, it sounds horrible. Neither my boyfriend not I are good shoppers, and we like to hold on to clothes fora good decade, but some morbid fascination made us decide to each spend €12 for the round-trip to 'THE MALL' outside Florence. I tried to do deep breathing exercises (I'm really bad in crowds), bracing myself for hordes of glassy-eyed tourists pawing through with crap nobody wanted at full price, and which is still crap at a slight discount, while their offspring screeched miserably in the background.

But it was silent, and almost empty (and mid-September). And, aside for the ridiculous Armani store (which came closest to my expectations), it was actually worth it... I mean, we actually bought stuff (my boyfriend decided that it was time he got a new suit, since his last hasn't fitted him so well since he was 17, and he's nearly twice that age now).

Unquestionably, this sort of place is not useful for most people's day-to-day clothing (and Lucky fail to have any awareness of reality), but for 'best', you can actually get stuff that is marked down to 20% of the original price, if you don't mind it being 'last season' (obviously, I don't).

[Sarah]

Great list, but I was hoping for a No! sticker for the "Hot Intern Alert!" on page 211, just for the sheer ick factor of that headline.

[Chic and Charming]

This post is totally amazing. I kind of want to print it out and mail it to Lucky to make double sure they read it.