Lowest Comon Denominator: Elle, April
3: Number of exclamation points on the cover (Reese!, Exclusive!, and Career Survival!)
1: Paragraphs of Joe Zee’s “Style A to Zee” that I actually read. This is why: “[A friend’s legal office] was full of smart, accomplished women, but they just couldn’t get their clothes right…Why have working women put style on a backburner?” I don’t know, Joe, maybe they’re busy working?
155: Page on which “Yes we can!” is appropriated to explain that, yes, we can wear python prints to the office
At least three months ago: The day I’d had my fill of that phrase being shoehorned into every objective, no matter how insignificant
167: Page on which a profile of Amy Poehler appears with the words, “Watch your back, Tina.” Why, yes, Elle, there can only be one funny woman with her own NBC sitcom at any given time!
Never: When I’d like to see another swooning profile of 21-year-old Zac Efron in Elle. Who are these readers who can afford $730 shorts (page 156) and are actually interested in anything Efron has to say?
$39.95: Price of a bottle of the Fill Pill, a fiber supplement that expands to 50 times its size when mixed with water, as explained in “Full Service”
6: Age of restaurateur Julie Daniels Janklow’s son, whose mother is quoted on page 224 saying to him, “I love you, you’re perfect, I want you to be gay and live with me forever and ever.”
12: Women featured in “The Mentalists” who “should—and do—rule the world”
Microscopic: Size of the photos of non-celebs in “The Mentalists” compared to the pictures of stars (There’s a random picture of Seth Rogen—not a woman!—that’s like four times as large as the photo of Washington D.C. school chancellor Michelle Rhee, who’s number 2 on the list.)
4,583: Estimated number of pages devoted to the profile of Eat, Love, Pray author Elizabeth Gilbert
0: Number of times I’d pondered the endowment of Muppets…until Andrew Goldman asked Jason Segel about it in “Naked Amibtion”