Lowest Common Denominator: Cosmopolitan, March
1: Number of cover lines that made me cackle. “We are not kidding” is pure comedy
32: Page on which the word “shoegasm” appears
8: Actresses featured in “Red Carpet Confidence: Who Has It, Who’s Faking It”
Boundless: The inherent hypocrisy of a magazine that encourages its readers to be confident and then speculates about the confidence of celebrities. Does it serve any purpose to have a body-language expert declare that Renee Zellweger, Eva Mendes, and Brittany Snow appear uncomfortable in one particular red carpet photo?
59: Percent of men, according to “Guy Spy,” who “don’t want to know your nooky number”
6: Months I would like to travel back in time and use an assumed name to infiltrate Cosmo HQ and somehow prevent the term “nooky number” from ever appearing in print
$175: Retail price of a tank top deemed “cheap” on page 78
2: Number of pages between the $175 tank and “How to ‘Stretch’ Your Clothes,” which offers fashion-coping tips for those times “your checking account has taken a hit”
11: Number of “His Biggest Sex Secrets”
99.9: After reading “Is He Normal Down There?” and its incessant chorus of "it depends,” my inexpert estimate of the number of men who are, in fact, “normal down there”
13: Judging solely by the apparent necessity of using “down there,” the average age of Cosmopolitan readers
3: Assault and murder victims profiled in “The Hidden Work Danger”
Infinite: Locations where a woman can be brutalized by a man, according to “The Hidden Work Danger” and the psychopathic-behavior-of-the-month articles that appear in every single issue of this magazine
5: Bedtime rituals on page 164 that, claims Cosmo, will “keep you and your man connected”
2 weeks: Shelf life, approximate, of any relationship in which the participants need a women’s magazine to suggest that a kiss on the cheek might be a pleasant way to say good night
Onesie: Okay, it’s not exactly a number, but it is the name of a piece of clothing featured on page 173
2: Of the “45 Ways to Instantly Feel Sexy and Healthy,” number of tips which include the phrase “V zone”
Unless they're referring to dressing an adorable toddler, the phrase "onesie" should NEVER be mentioned in the same context as a grown woman.
Posted by: Misc Jenn | February 13, 2009 at 05:37 AM
Cosmo on men:
"Men don't like to feel useless, so be sure to act like a twit around Gavin, this random shirtless stockbroker/wannabe model we picked up at a sports bar - which we didn't visit because we like sports, of course. That way, he'll be motivated to let you try out our 429 NEVER BEFORE SEEN super-fantastical orgasm tips on him tonight. That is, if he doesn't kill you first. Or if he doesn't find this $775 Balenciaga bracelet sexy enough on you."
Also, who the hell says "nooky" anymore? What's next, Kate White's Guide to You-Know-What?
Posted by: Rio | February 13, 2009 at 08:12 PM
I love Cosmopolitan it's the best fashion magazine!
Posted by: Anna | March 04, 2009 at 06:32 AM
Why are you reading this magazine if you hate it so much?
Posted by: Pan | March 04, 2009 at 12:07 PM