Cosmopolitan: Sports Fans, Prepare to Be Single Forever

This Saturday, as I have done most every Saturday this autumn, I spent three and a half hours watching football. (My team won!) Cosmopolitan would have me believe this is a bad thing.

In “Ask Him Anything” in the December issue, the magazine’s “guy guru” tackles a question from a reader who loves sports and hanging out with guys but can’t find love. What’s the problem, exactly? His answer:

Most men prefer women who paint their toenails, not their faces.

Because you can’t possibly be interested in both? And a man would never want to be with a woman who doesn’t use cosmetics at all?

We like being teased about our sports fandom and our excessive beer consumption, and we in turn (secretly) like the fact that girls enjoy more feminine pursuits like shopping or…even more shopping.

Speaking of football, I should probably get myself a helmet, because reading stuff like this makes me want to tackle someone. Where do I even start? The compilation of ludicrous assumptions in this statement is maddening. Let me see if I have this straight:

1. Shopping is inherently feminine.

2. Shopping is the sole thing women are capable of, apparently, since this guy can’t come up with a single other hobby that a woman might be interested in. Never mind that the pastimes enjoyed by women are often the same ones men like! And really, if this guy was just going to spout stereotypes, he couldn't come up with knitting? Yoga? Book group? Can we please get some credit for devoting brain cells to something other than our appearances?

3. Men do not enjoy shopping.

4. Women cannot enjoy both sports and shopping.

5. Men secretly approve of the very things they dismiss as feminine and therefore unworthy of their attention. I’m no psychiatrist, but I think any therapist would have a field day with that.

Common interests are terrific, and we’re psyched when you know what a touchdown is,

Mr. Answer Man is also psyched that his ladyfriend can, like, walk upright and sign her full name without checking her driver’s license.

but that doesn’t mean we want to high-five you every time our favorite team scores one.

…Just know that, contrary to what your buddies tell you, it might take a little longer to find that special someone while you’re waving a gigantic foam hand in the air.

Right, because there are no single men at football games and sports bars!

Just like different athletic leagues have different rules, everything changes once you manage to find a man who approves of your makeup-wearing, sports-shunning ways. When you’re in a committed relationship, says Cosmo, it’s time to give up the mall and settle in on autumn Saturdays and Sundays.

From “Smart Girlfriend Behavior: Do This, Not That” just twelve pages prior to “Ask Him Anything”:

Watch the game with his friends. Spending an afternoon on the couch with his pals says you’re easygoing and cool…and he’ll appreciate your making an effort to get to know his boys.

So watching the game isn't about doing something you enjoy—it's about making your man happy! The article goes on to advise against cheering loudly, chugging beer, and telling off-color jokes.

Let's put it this way: it's really hard for him to be sexually attracted to someone who reminds him of his buddies.

Clearly, Cosmo also thinks it’s impossible for him to be attracted to someone who shares his interests, skips makeup, or acts in any way like the people he spends most of his time with. No wonder Cosmopolitan is so obsessed with getting it on—from their perspective, sex is the only thing both men and women would be interested in.

Comments

[sara]

How can anyone believe a mag ludicrous enough to have a cover line about orgasm faces (spiced up with a smiley, no less)?

Does anyone buy a ladymag in a unironical way? I honestly wonder: who is out there clipping out advice from Allure or Cosmopolitan and using it? I am convinced all the reader letters are fake.

[mjx]

I simply cannot help suspecting that the 'guy guru' is a woman serving out absurdities that she thinks men might utter :D

[Kristina]

Wow. I don't even like sports, but this article makes me _want_ to like sports just to spite Cosmo.

[Athena]

I wouldn't be surprised if anyone who has ever contributed their writing to any part of this awful is perpetually single.

[Athena]

I forgot to add magazine. Awful magazine.

[Rio]

". . . girls enjoy more feminine pursuits like shopping or…even more shopping."

And they call him a guru when this is all he can tell you about what women like?

"Just know that, contrary to what your buddies tell you, it might take a little longer to find that special someone while you’re waving a gigantic foam hand in the air."

Because that, of course, is a woman's only aim in life - even if she likes sports.

"Let's put it this way: it's really hard for him to be sexually attracted to someone who reminds him of his buddies."

It's also really hard for me to be sexually attracted to a sports nut. It appears we have a bit of a conundrum here. (Oops, long word. Not girly enough.)

[laylaness]

Is it sad and stalkery that I know who your team is without having to click the link? Maybe I just spend too much time on Twitter...

So here's a question for Cosmo: What if a girl enjoys both shopping and sports? Does the universe enter some sort of vortex where no girl will ever find a man?

I hate that the O-face headline is on J.Simp's breast. And that an emoticon is used. Seriously? Are they recruiting teenagers to read the magazine now because intelligent women won't stand for it anymore?

[Kelly]

I have really low standards for what magazines I will read. I have been known to pick up magazines targeted towards 13 year olds, senior citizens, parents, and diabetics. I am not part of any of those groups, and I don't plan on being in any of them anytime soon. But generally, when I'm in the bathtub wasting away some time, I don't really care how pertinent or high-quality my reading is. I just want something to occupy my eyeballs while I soak so I don't have to concentrate on how I should really scrub down the tiles.

But, I am sad to report that it was this issue of Cosmo that finally made me decide to cancel my subscription. Hey, I like sex as much or more than the next girl, but Cosmo can't even interest me anymore as simple eyeball distraction.

I did rip out a picture of a hairdo I want to try. So I'll give Cosmo that.

[Jessica]

Go Bruins! We're terrible this year!

That article...pisses me off. Also, I know a ton of girls who love sports and some of them are even MARRIED!

[Andrea]

Wow, weird. I guess I should pass this along to the female sports show producers that I know. Also, to their husbands, who apparently aren't aware that their sexy wives should be pursuing more shopping, and less relevance in the workplace.

[Philoclea]

Wow, if I hadn't already vowed never to buy Cosmo again, even in an airport, even before a really long flight, I would do it now.

Aside from how transparently commercial the whole "just go shopping, little lady" thing is, it's also just so ... untrue! I have never in my entire life heard of a man who wanted his woman to shop more. Even men who like shopping, or don't mind it... nope.

On the other hand, my experience is that men really do like it if you can enjoy their hobbies with them. As long as it's not a way of never letting them be alone or with their guy friends, it's pretty great to share watching (or if you're athletic) playing sports together.

[Heather]

great analysis---thanks for that!

[Ryan]

Wow, gross. I guess my husband who I play hockey with wasn't at the man conference when they decided this. I better quit fast and develop an interest in Coach bags before someone sends him the notes from that meeting and we have to get divorced.
This seriously seems like something that should have been published at another time. If there was anything about cooking or childbirth, I would swear they were a story short and they dusted off an unused article from the "too vomit inducing- 1968" folder.
But really- how appropriate is it that Jessica Simpson is on the cover?

[Rio]

I need to mention what really burns my ass about this "article": the idea that women need to tailor their likes and dislikes to suit some arbitrary standard of what men want.

WOMAN: "But what if I really love sports?"
COSMO: "TOO BAD! YOU ARE A WOMAN AND YOU WILL DO THINGS GENERALLY REGARDED AS FEMININE AND YOU WILL LIKE IT!"

And there are still dozens of Facebook groups declaring this piece of shit their Bible.

[Andrea]

Heather, I'm right there with you. When we were only just dating, my husband commented on how much he loved that we could have a few beers and watch baseball together.

Ah, well, my husband isn't much for status quo anyway.

. . . Stupid Cosmo. . .

[Ariella]

Wow, I guess my husband will be serving the divorce papers any day now. After all, I do love the Badgers and Packers.

How moronic. It probably doesn't even deserve comment.

[Jessica M.]

To Rio:
The worst of it is when Cosmo or magazines like it take the stance that we are in some private club that is "getting one over" on men by appearing to do things they supposedly consider feminine, despite our "secret" love of things otherwise. They actually recognize that you might not want to fit yourself to these standards, and yet they consider that part of the "game." The idea that modern romantic relationships need these type of performances, and that they could possibly lead to stable relationships, is pretty trashy.

[Rio]

Jessica M:

Totes. I haven't bothered to be dishonest about my likes and dislikes with guys since I was 14, and that never went anywhere. My view is, if you have to change yourself for the sake of that relationship, why bother having it?

But, hey, it's Cosmo. They're not exactly given to logic.

[Kim]

OMG - I am 51 and read Cosmo back when I was in college. Doesn't sound like Cosmo has changed one bit since then.

I've been married 30 years and my husband puts up with my screaming and yelling through NFL, college games and NASCAR.

Sorry Cosmo - didn't take your advice then, and I'm not taking it now. : D

[Jaye]

This makes me so mad as a girl who loves sport, drinking beer, playing video games and doing all that "blokey" stuff I am do offended. I can't believe that people actually spill this crap and that people actually believe it. I am a girl. I have a boyfriend. We watch sports together, play video games, I steal his beer when he's not looking, we have sex. I also work in fashion and shop.

Whoever, this person is needs to be shot- seriously.

[Jaye]

This makes me so mad as a girl who loves sport, drinking beer, playing video games and doing all that "blokey" stuff I am do offended. I can't believe that people actually spill this crap and that people actually believe it. I am a girl. I have a boyfriend. We watch sports together, play video games, I steal his beer when he's not looking, we have sex. I also work in fashion and shop.

Whoever, this person is needs to be shot- seriously.

[James]

You seem surprised that the most shallow, male-chauvinist, sexist women's magazine on the planet is blatantly shallow, chauvinistic & sexist. Just look at the headlines all over that cover.

[Varda]

Give please. The most beautiful adventures are not those we go to seek. Help me! Could you help me find sites on the: Net provides discount hotels and cheap airline tickets reservations.. I found only this - [url="http://cheapest-tickets.us/"]Airline Tickets[/url]. Since the dawn of the world wide web, travel has been changed. Cheap airline tickets to europe travel to europe trip to europe flight to europe the airline ticket? Why can I find available flights online? Read. Waiting for a reply :eek:, Varda from Lesotho.