Cougars, Conrad, and Calories: Another Wince-Worthy Cosmopolitan Cover

Dear Cosmopolitan,

Congratulations! Just when I think I couldn’t possibly be more ashamed of spending my cash on your latest issue, you manage to prove me wrong! You know, I see the guy at my newsstand more often than I see most of my friends, so it would be awesome if you could turn down the blatant lechery just a notch so that I could preserve one minuscule shred of dignity.

I’m not going to protest the celeb on your November cover—this time. While I think Lauren Conrad gets way more credit than she merits (a book deal?), I can’t fault her for exploiting every opportunity that’s come her way. Plus she appears to have some life goals other than being photographed at Kitson every day, unlike the squirelly duo of her erstwhile best friend and the friend’s male counterpart, and I’ve already conceded to knowing way more about The Hills than I care to admit in public,  so I’m going to change subjects now.

On to the truly cringe-inducing elements of the November cover:

• “Bad Girl Sex”: Who are we kidding here? The suggestion to turn your body into a naked sushi buffet (that’s not a euphemism) isn’t “bad girl”—it’s just bad.

• “Lose Weight While You Eat”: Sure! I’m so desperate to drop pounds that I’ll believe anything!

•“The Surprising Touch That Whips a Guy on Date #1”: Oh, I get it. Controlling a man with threats of withholding sex is a real achievement. (That might be my age speaking, though. Unlike many of Cosmo’s readers, I’ve been out of high school for a while.)

• “Am I Normal Down There?”: Guess what? Yes! I am, and you are, and so is everyone else! I may not have any formal medical training, but I can say that with certainty, as can anyone who’s ever flipped through an issue of Seventeen.

• “A Cougar Stole My Man”: Because, you know, men are possessions that can just be snatched away! I actually flipped to this article—you know, morbid curiosity—and one of the alleged man-stealing “cougars” is 35. 35! Cosmo, can you get together with the other members of the women’s magazine cabal and get it straight? Am I supposed to think 30 is the new 20 or that 35-year-olds are so wizened they couldn’t possibly attract a man in his twenties?

Anyway, Cosmo, you’ll notice that I still forked over $4.29. You win this round, but I’m ready for a rematch next month.

Love,

Glossed Over

Comments

[Becca]

Wow, I guess I'm going to be a cougar in just a few months! Yay?

I will admit that sometimes I buy Cosmo because it's so ridiculous that it makes me laugh. But it sure is embarassing to purchase.

[K2]

On first glance I thought this cover was from the early '90s. Something about the color scheme combined with the feathery floofy hair.

[EvilSlutopia]

Here's a tough question. Say you wanted to create a parody of a Cosmo cover - would it even be possible? I mean, how do you improve on the comedy of "Lose Weight While You Eat", "YOU YOU YOU", "Am I Normal Down There?", and "A Cougar Stole My Man?"

[Jaywalker]

Oh, and there was I hoping for a REAL cougar mauling. Shame.

[busybee]

Wow, I'm almost a cougar... how sad

[Rio]

Is it possible for Cosmo to go one month without showing off the tops of someone's breasts?

[SJ]

Nuts, I'm almost a cougar and I don't even have any wrinkles yet. This is like when Sally Field played Tom Hanks' mother.