Live Blog: September Vogue's 798 Pages

Last week, when I bought an armful of September issues, the cashier at my favorite newsstand said, "You've got your reading cut out for you." Little did he know that I planned to spend an entire day poring over the pages of just one magazine.

For the record: I have not opened this issue of Vogue, nor have I read what any other blogs had to say about anything other than the cover. The only thing I've peeked at was the back cover, because by the time I reach it, I may be too delirious to realize I've reached the end.

10:02 a.m.: The cover. It's, um, interesting. And that's the best thing I can say about it. I've spent the last few minutes wondering if it's supposed to be jolie laide or just plain laide. But there isn't one successful element of this cover. Keira's hair: horrific. Her makeup: unremarkable. Her outfit: It looks like she's wearing a dress that got bunched up around her waist. That belt, paired with that metallic stuff (what? can you tell what it is?) around her skirt, is unflattering. Jewelry: boring. Background: completely inscrutable. With the emphasis on things metallic and shiny in this photo, I can only assume that Keira Knightley is supposed to embody a futuristic version of fashion. In which case, I'll gladly remain stuck in the past.

10:08 a.m.: I'm confused by this Gucci ad. Apparently, all you need for fall is a bit of fringe, a touch of fur, and a field in which to dance awkwardly.

10:11 a.m.: Naomi Campbell in four pages for Yves Saint Laurent. Does she ever age? Stunning.

10:12 a.m.: Hermès makes saddles? You know, for obscenely wealthy horses.

10:14 a.m.: Page 64, the table of contents. So this issue doesn't consist entirely of ads! (I kind of wish it did, though. There's a Candace Bushnell interview on page 426.)

10:16 a.m.: Linda Evangelista in an ad for L'oreal. Will Stephanie Seymour and Cindy Crawford also be making appearances in this issue?

10:18 a.m.: There are five dogs in this D&G ad. Is it sacrilege that I like the pooches more than the clothes? (Another issue brought up by this ad: am I supposed to be mixing my plaids?)

10:19 a.m.: The Marc Jacobs ad is a lovely photo of a model doing something totally reasonable. No, no, I'm joking. Do not understand this at all.

10:21 a.m.: Dear 7 for All Mankind, perhaps you shouldn't pose your denim-clad models in front of notable works of architecture. The Philip Johnson Glass House is way more interesting—and better constructed—than the jeans.

10:23 a.m.: Blondes, blondes, blondes, all in a row: Nordstrom, Andrew Marc, the aforementioned 7 for All Mankind, Dillard's, Jimmy Choo, Cover Girl, Hilfiger.

10:26 a.m.: Page 138. More contents. Michelle Obama, Plum Sykes, Klute-inspired fashion.

10:27 a.m.: I can't hate the Heidi Klum-in-a-bathtub ad for Jordache. No such luck for the Dooney & Burke ad with Hayden Panettiere. I prefer my status bags sans teenagers, thank you very much.

10:31 a.m.: Napoleon Perdis has a makeup line for Target. I know where I'm headed when I'm done with this live blog.

10:33 a.m.: Page 204, more contents.

10:37 a.m.: The Gap ad features Vogue intern Sean Avery! And not much else of interest.

10:40 a.m.: More contents on page 252. Also, the details on Keira Knightley's abomination of a cover ensemble: She's wearing pants—didn't see that coming!—and a top, both by Balenciaga. The shiny black thing around her waist is actually the bottom of the shirt. I now declare this outfit even less tolerable. Also, can I again mention the awfulness that is her hair?

10:45 a.m.: Maybe I should reconsider my comments about Keira's hair. Seeing the styles in the Barneys New York ad, tangled jumbles of hair that look like they were styled by a team of blindfolded kindergartners are clearly just the thing for fall!

10:46 a.m.: Four ad pages for Payless shoes. Yay! More stuff mere mortals can actually afford!

10:47 a.m.: Eight pages of Gwyneth Paltrow for Tod's, and she has the same expression in every picture.

10:49 a.m.: Sound the trumpets! I've reached a page with actual text! It's the "Letter from the Editor" on page—actually, I have no idea.

10:54 a.m.: Anna Wintour says this issue will offer a "master class on how to wear florals in the fall." Why did I go to college when everything I need to know is in Vogue?

10:56 a.m.: Says Wintour: "We've tried...to edit the collections with value for money in mind..." One question: whose money?

11:07 a.m.: Letters from readers: everyone's offended! Vogue's sins in the June issue, according to the letters: not featuring Cindy McCain on the cover, photographing Liya Kebede in designer clothes next to poor children in Mali, featuring a brunette model instead of a blonde in the Hitchcock-inspired editorial, not finishing Pierce Brosnan's cuff in the same spread, Jeffrey Steingarten sampling dog in Beijing.

11:09 a.m.: This issue's contributors were asked what excited them most about this year's presidential race. Photographer Horacio Salinas' response:

Cranberry sauce in November

Way to focus on what matters!

11:17 a.m.: "Through the Looking Glass"—a woman's take on her husband's drug addiction. These essays in Vogue might be a tad harder-hitting if the magazine refrained from photographing the (white, attractive) authors in designer clothes. Is this a serious piece about opiate use or a promotion for Sari Gueron?

11:20 a.m.: Another essay. This time, Susanna Moore explains she came to L.A. to be in the entertainment industry. How novel! I never would have imagined.

11:25 a.m.: So, basically, despite some success as a model-actress-whatever, Moore craved a real job. Oh, and Warren Beatty liked her legs. Next!

11:27 a.m.: Oh, it's Candace Bushnell time! Her latest book is about a young woman trying to make it in the big city. Innovative!

11:31 a.m.: Did I mention blogging plays a big role in Bushnell's book? Edgy.

11:35 a.m.: Working on the excerpt from Bushnell's novel One Fifth Avenue. Early impressions? Lots of adverbs. There are characters named Beetelle Fabrikant and Schiffer Diamond, and the main character has "watched every episode of Sex and the City." Well, that tells me everything I need to know.

11:37 a.m.: Another lamentable detail: Main character moves to New York to find a more "suitable class of male." By the way, this book is set in the present, not in 1964.

11:41 a.m.: Three pages into this excerpt packed with clumsy references to Facebook and iPhones, and then it says "continued on page 790." I'm good, thanks.

11:45 a.m.: "Norwich Notes." Because reading three pages of Bushnell wasn't enough insight into the world of the wealthy and vapid? Pass.

11:47 a.m.: Okay, okay, I take it back. Being rich is way harder than it looks. Proof on page 463:

"I can do just about anything I want in my Manolos and Louboutins, except drive," says Lauren [Santo Domingo].

11:51 a.m.: Three pages of ads for Mulberry bags—they're lovely. Worth skipping rent for?

11:56 a.m.: Skipping William Norwich's election-related etiquette advice and heading directly to "Life with Andre."

12:01 p.m.: Last year, I referred to Andre Leon Talley as the Dennis Miller of couture. He didn't let me down this year! Andre on John Galliano:

Flip the famous fifties Bar suit into a giant dominatrix black patent bustier-cum-belt with huge basque pockets to cinch the waist of a great blanc de Chine wool day coat with Edwardian sleeves, straight from Cecil Beaton's The Glass of Fashion.

Translation, please?

12:05 p.m.: Talley is up in arms about Eva Mendes' choice of outfit for a Dior runway presentation. He sniffs:

Some think an invitation to a couture show means getups more appropriate for the red carpet.

Meow! Is that why Mendes only landed the cover of Marie Claire?

12:10 p.m.: Vogue explains how to "buy wisely." Not to be confused with buying affordably—one of their picks is a $2,750 vest made of "raw goat's hair and leather."

12:12 p.m.: Raw goat's hair?

12:13 p.m.: Something never covered in magazines: clothes for "models (and those of equivalent age, shape, and instinct)". Oh, good, that particular subset of woman is typically so neglected! For the record, they prefer Phi, Balmain, and Topshop.

12:20 p.m.: And...guess who pops up on page 514? Vogue favorite Phillip Lim. Apparently, he gave the dress "a democratic twist" by creating dresses for "every woman, every personality, at all budgets, round-the-clock." He's practically a deity!

12:22 p.m.: Also, since when are $650 dresses suitable for "all budgets"?

12:26 p.m.: My world view is irreparably changed by the knowledge that Hogan's fuchsia patent leather lace-ups retail for $425.

12:29 p.m.: Another Vogue regular makes an appearance: Ashley Olsen has been hailed as a style icon. This means I'm almost done, right?

12:33 p.m.: Page 536:

How did you live without streamlined two-tone heels in fuchsia suede and chocolate patent for $230?

That's a rhetorical question, right?

12:35 p.m.: Ugh, Vogue. I'm actually looking forward to Plum Sykes.

12:36 p.m.: Sometimes an article appears to be so vile that I read only the first paragraph. From "Gilty Pleasures," page 543:

Fur is glamorous, but sometimes it's not enough. It needs to be supercharged. This is where gold fur comes in.

Gold fur? Making Versailles look understated in comparison is not a good thing. Suspicions confirmed.

12:40 p.m.: Okay, I skimmed the rest of the article. It was worth it for this:

"My dream would be transparent fur," Lagerfeld says.

12:45 p.m.: Taking a quick break. Be back soon.

1:25 p.m.: I've returned...to an article about Jane Fonda.

1:28 p.m.: Fleur-de-lis patterned tights in the Nicole Miller ad? Yes, please.

1:30 p.m.: And the World's Smallest Violin Award goes to...Jane Fonda!

But when she took up with sixties radical Tom Hayden, the Vuitton luggage was consigned to the attic...So dramatically did her lifestyle with Hayden change that she did her own clothes at the Laundromat...

In all seriousness, I'm more than a little disappointed that an interview with Jane Fonda is only about her clothes and hair.

1:34 p.m.: A page and a half about lace. Apparently, a "surprising spectrum" of designers have used it. Yawn.

1:37 p.m.: Another designer profile, another deluded idea about prices. Sari Gueron has a new line that is "delightfully price-friendly," with dresses that cost "$445 tops." Also, kudos to Gueron's publicist for getting her an additional placement in this issue! You can't only make dresses for the wives of addicts.

1:42 p.m.: Spotted in the Piperlime ad: open-toe boots. Has no one figured out that these are the footwear equivalent of the sleeveless turtleneck?

1:46 p.m.: Article on Acne jeans. Meh.

1:49 p.m.: "Ask Mrs. Exeter" tackles the economy. Her advice for the "frugal fashionista": replace watch bands instead of buying new, wear timeless pieces instead of trendy ones, and shop at Zara or Topshop for lower-priced pieces. In other words, keep doing exactly what you're already doing.

1:52 p.m.: Addendum: can we please ban the phrase "frugal fashionista"?

1:54 p.m.: My hopes soared when I saw this:

Who's that bag?

Sometimes a beautifully made, no-logo, no-fuss satchel is all you really want.

And then I realized that the non-branded bag in question still has one designer quality: its $2,050 price tag.

2:00 p.m.: Summary of Sarah Mower's essay on Martin Margiela: Wearing his designs contributes to one's sense of smugness. Tiresome. Some of us rely on things other than our wardrobes for our superiority!

2:04 p.m.: Page 607. Plum Sykes, at last we meet.

2:08 p.m.: Congratulations, Plum! Of all the articles you've written, that piece on British makeup artist Jemma Kidd included the least information about you!

2:14 p.m.: Eye makeup looks for fall are "channeling thirties Berlin," says makeup artist Pat McGrath. Indeed! The Weimar Republic did take quite a stand on eyeliner.

2:16 p.m.: Two pages of "It Ingredients"? No, two pages of pricey potions to obliterate every sign of aging.

2:20 p.m.: Marina Rust tries an electric-stimulation device that promises to firm muscles and whittle away inches, for the low price of $180 per 40-minute session. In a shocking twist, two different doctors think this is a scam!

2:25 p.m.: Best sentence ever to appear in Vogue, about the new HBO series True Blood:

It's like a backwoods Oz, with sex.

Well, I'm sold on the concept.

2:30 p.m.: I never read the movie reviews. I see no reason to start now. Skipped!

2:33 p.m.: In "Wanderlust," Keira Knightley wears fall fashion in Berlin. The good: the hair and makeup, which look nothing like the cover. The bad: the green-and-silver Miu Miu jersey. The incomprehensible: on page 666, Knightley is balancing a box on her head.

2:36 p.m.: I spoke too soon. Page 681 shows Knightley with what appears to be a black garbage bag tied around her hair. Avant garde or just plain ugly?

2:39 p.m.: Next up. "Flights of Fancy," featuring Caroline Trentini and three boys who star in Billy Elliott on Broadway.

2:41 p.m.: The next fashion editorial, "Self-Reflection," could rival any of W's editorials for flat-out weirdness. Among the trends I will not be adopting this fall: candy-colored eyebrows, rectangular sunglasses (with no cutout for the nose), Speedo swim caps worn outside a pool.

2:47 p.m.: Still more fashion! "On a Whim" features "neo-bohemian" frocks topped with fur. Lots and lots of fur. Black fur, "natural" fur, pink fur from Marni. It's like Anna Wintour wants PETA to protest.

2:51 p.m.: An Alexander McQueen-focused editorial featuring pieces that are, according to Vogue, reminiscent of The Nutcracker. Between this and "Flights of Fancy," I'm apparently supposed to spend autumn en pointe.

2:52 p.m.: Harry Potter is naked atop a horse on pages 726-727. This does not interest me. It may interest you. I pass no judgment.

3:07 p.m.: In the accompanying story, Daniel Radcliffe rants about bad grammar. I might be interested in that nude photo after all.

3:15 p.m.: "Wet 'n' Wild" is a lavishly photographed story about a Greek magnate's boat, custom-decorated by artist Jeff Koons. Among the topics tackled in this article: why the master bedroom on a yacht is always on a view-lacking lower deck; whether a yacht can be considered a work of art; and whether a boat 87 feet in length is actually a "megayacht." Coincidentally, I was pondering the same things recently.

3:22 p.m.: Okay, seriously, the boat is incredible.

3:23 p.m.: Joy! Another article about the property of someone massively wealthy. A real departure there, Vogue.

3:26 p.m.: So I started reading the aforementioned "American Pastoral," about the Long Island estate of landscape architect Miranda Brooks, and...Honestly? I just don't care. Also, the next article is about Justin Timberlake.

3:32 p.m.: Justin Timberlake is a worldwide star! Madonna loves him! He sews! He invents fragrances! He discovers new talent! He's the second coming of Jesus Christ! His PR people couldn't have been any happier with this article.

3:42 p.m.: I cannot finish this article by Jeffrey Steingarten. Called "Scent & Sensibility," he writes about all manner of foul-smelling foods: the durian fruit, fermented fish, a cheese called casu marzu that is "teeming with maggots." Consider my stomach turned. No wonder Vogue staffers are so thin—read one Steingarten article, and you'll be off food forever.

3:49 p.m.: "A Quiet Revolution" is another chapter from The Chronicles of the Super-Rich! In the article, Vogue reveals that many socialites are going out less often and entertaining at home more frequently. As usual, this information has no relevance to anyone except the women featured in the article.

3:52 p.m.: And...it's all the internet's fault that Manhattan socialites are over-exposed. Says Maggie Betts:

The internet bloggers created all that socialite fuss.

3:58 p.m.: Continuing its impeccable record of hard-hitting investigative journalism, Vogue has devoted an article to hairspray.

4:02 p.m.: No, really, an entire article. I just read the whole thing.

4:04 p.m.: Another fashion editorial! In "2-for-1 Special," models sport designer duds in the supermarket. Just like you and me!

4:06 p.m.: You mean you don't usually wear a $4,555 Prada dress to pick up seafood from the butcher counter?

4:07 p.m.: No, actually, the clothes and styling are quite pleasant in this spread. It's almost charming.

4:09 p.m.: Still lifes of shoes and jewelry. I'm nearly depleted of snark. At this point, it's all just ugly stuff I can't afford anyway.

4:14 p.m.: Speaking of ugly stuff I can't afford, I've reached "Sure Things," a fall accessory guide. Semantics question: can jewelry really be considered "costume" when it costs upwards of $2,000? Nicolas Ghesquiere, I'm looking at you.

4:17 p.m.: Page 788:

What kind of girl are you—do you clash patterns or wear one palette top to toe? Two approaches, two chic results.

When they separated the boys and girls in seventh grade gym class, this is what they should have taught us. I could have figured out the birds and the bees, but I never knew I'd have to base my very existence on how I dress.

4:21 p.m.: Scarves tied on handbags, monograms. This is the bleeding edge of fashion?

4:23 p.m.: I just hit the last part of the One Fifth Avenue excerpt. I read it. Our 22-year-old heroine Lola goes to Soho House, then slacks off at work, then wonders if her employer will marry her. Candace Bushnell sure has her finger on the pulse of today's youth!

4:26 p.m.: Page 798. The final page of the magazine. There are Prada spats on this page, which is not the fanfare I expected.

4:27 p.m.: I'm done! So, for the record: Six and a half hours, 798 pages, obscene amounts of Diet Dr. Pepper. There's a Movado ad with Mia Maestro on the back cover, and I'd planned to make some clever reference to Alias. But at this point, all I want to do is drink a glass of wine and take a nap. Is there a way to do both at the same time?

Comments

[laylaness]

That cover is truly awful. Is that a top or a dress? Is it silk? Is that a pencil skirt on the bottom? When you wade through all the pages of ads, you have to post who she's wearing.

[sara]

In fact Hermès started out as a shop for riders making whips and saddles. That's why their logo is two horses. After 1900, riding in Paris went out of fashion, and Hermès started to make bags. And now, fashion. I only know this much because I ride and I'm interested in the history of saddles and such. Good luck!

[Glossed Over]

Laylaness: I will, if I ever get there!

Sara: Ah, that explains it. Thanks for filling in the details.

[laylaness]

Dooney and Burke bags come in two styles: ones my grandmother would carry, and ones designed for spoiled junior high kids.

[Erika]

oooooh, I have the field in which to dance awkwardly. Thanks Gucci, I feel prepared for Fall now...

[Citronella]

According to Allure August issue, yes, you are supposed to mix your plaids.

According to myself, yes, it is very ugly.

[eshoe]

Take another look at that D&G ad. I think almost ALL of the models' heads are photo-shopped on...

[laylaness]

Balenciaga? That's disappointing. Usually Nicolas Ghesquiere's designs are much better.

In Elizabeth: The Golden Age, there's a scene where Elizabeth's lady-in-waiting is putting Elizabeth's wig on, and Cate Blanchett is wearing this cap with sparse, short hair that looks like it was cut with safety scissors because Elizabeth lost her hair. That's what Keira's hair reminds me of here.

[J--]

"Liya Kebede in designer clothes next to poor children in Mali" Offended? Really? How else are we supposed to keep a 3rd world country in its place? .... some people just don't get it.

[L]

I absolutely adore you for doing this. September Vogue won't show up on Swedish newsstands for another month, but this is all I need to read, really.

[Athena]

Fashion mags like Vogue are notorious for using the poor as background props. I don't see why its readers are only offended by this now.

[J --]

Eva Mendes only landed the Marie Claire cover because she went in rehab-came out and no one seemed to notice. Sad but true but she won't move any mags off the stands that much.

[Athena]

I agree that Eva Mendes is probably unable to sell mags but, come on, Keira Knightly? She's not that much better and I find her to be kind of annoying. I can't imagine that anyone bought the September issue of Vogue because of her (especially not with that awful cover).

[Katrionagh]

This is great so far! I believe our shipments (Prince Edward Island, Canada) come in today (or soon, I hope!)

Vogue would be so much easier to read / I wouldn't feel guilty and empty afterwards if it weren't for usual insertions from the likes of Santo Domingo, Sykes and Norwich. I look forward to the day when people are famous again intelligence, talent and wit rather than wealth or beauty. It's even more disheartening to see it trickle down to Teen Vogue, where we learn what advantaged youth in Paris/NYC/LA are wearing and what they are able to snag from their equally advantaged parents...

Anyhow, fun stuff, keep it up!

[Athena]

I recall reading somewhere that the average annual income for Vogue readers was somewhere around $60,000. So, what's with the crazy $400 tops and $2,000 vests? Clearly the women on that type of salary cannot afford such lavish splurges, right? It doesn't make any sense but I guess the same can be said for most fashion magazines.

[J --]

Keira Knightly on the cover looking like a wet rat will sell because there's all jaded people, such as myself that love it when celebs look like crap, especially when they are trying.

Athena, I believe that's a $60,000 income and being a kept woman with a wealthy husband/lover/pimp that makes buying a $6k vest made of goat face or fur or whatever far, far easier.

[Athena]

That "self reflection" spread was so creepy. Why the heck does one of the models appear to be dead in every photo?

[Athena]

J--, Thanks for clarifying! If only we could all have wealthy husbands so that we didn't have to spend our own cash and could prance around in goat fur.

[J --]

"The incomprehensible: on page 666, Knightley is balancing a box on her head." I think Vogue is trying to pretend she's not anorexic or something, like 'watch her eat this box'! It's an old carni trick, don't fall for it.

[Yankee Doodle]

This is fantastic. I can't believe you're still at it -- the magazine must be insanely long. You deserve a glass of wine -- maybe a bottle -- when you're done. We who were about to waste our time reading "Vogue" salute you!

[E]

Durian fruit, although extremely stinky and weird looking, is actually pretty good. Believe me, there are WAY worse things to eat than a piece of durian!

[laylaness]

Well played. Congrats on making your way through the whole thing.

[Katella]

Congratulations! I enjoyed it very much!

[Kate]

I worked my way through this insufferable rag yesterday and I am never going to subscribe again. A-Dubs (thanks Fug Girls!) is totally out of it.
Great blogging!

[Lindsey Wahowiak]

Four pounds I'll never have to add to my figure, thanks to the DietVogue you've posted here. All the crap, with twice the snark and no bloated feeling of worthlessness after! Thank you.