August's Vogue Made Me Feel Better About My Life (and My Underarms)

Whenever I feel a bit down, I turn to Vogue to distract me. Not because the content makes me happy—but because reading an issue always serves as a reminder that, no matter my troubles, there are millions of completely unimportant things I could worry about instead! The August issue forced me out of my funk to ponder the provenance of the term “mogulette” (page 70), whether my underarms need a surgical intervention (page 220), and what circumstances, exactly, would require Anna Wintour’s three assistants to wrangle a visa from a country under siege (page 249).

Below, I’ve listed the top five astoundingly frivolous matters that Vogue caused me to consider. This may be the first time a fashion magazine has made me feel good about my life! If I were the kind of woman who would seriously consider cosmetic surgery for my armpits, life would be so much more complex.

1. From Grace Coddington’s quote on the “Contributors” page:

“[I love] indulging in expensive clothes—cheaper ones don’t look good on an older person.”

But snobbery looks good at any age! Should I be investing more in my retirement accounts to cover the designer clothes my dotage will apparently require?

2. From the Kate Moss profile, “View from the Top,” by Plum Sykes:

The antithesis of the airbrushed celebrity, Moss, now 34, has done nothing to disguise her age: Her kohl-lined, chestnut-brown eyes have tiny creases at the edges, and her makeup-free face is as natural as ever, with two little lines across the top of her nose…The reason she won’t do Botox is that if a photographer asked her to frown in a picture and she couldn’t, she’d be “really embarrassed,” she says.

Yes, one must have a solid excuse for not wanting botulism toxin injected into one’s face. What is my justification for not immediately obliterating the tiniest signs of aging? I’m only a few years younger than Moss!

3. Sykes again, talking about Moss’ Topshop clothing line:

She shows me a slew of clothes that are extraordinarily desirable considering their price: She holds up a slightly Beatles-esque wool sweater…(around $110); there’s a charming black chiffon flapper dress that could easily wander into a cocktail party on Park Avenue ($240); most of all I want the skinny black sweater with sheer chiffon blouson sleeves ($100)…

“Considering their price”? Has Plum Sykes ever met anyone who isn’t a millionaire? (Okay, that’s something I actually wonder about.)

4. From the Chris Evert profile “A Shining Moment”:

Tennis champion Chris Evert has won eighteen Grand Slam titles. But her best is yet to come—as a bride-to-be at 53.

Now that I’m married, should I even bother with a career? Because it seems landing a man is the greatest accomplishment a woman can ever aspire to!

5. Finally, from “Joint Session” by Judith Newman:

...I was visiting [Gerald Pitman, M.D.] to see whether I was a candidate for liposuction of the knee. They’d always been pleasantly dimpled, but now, as I got older, they were undeniably pudgy. Knees are not the worst of my problems, God knows…

So there are doctors who’ll remove excess fat and skin from your knees, but is there a surgical procedure to eliminate excessive narcissism?

See! Don’t you feel better already?

Comments

[Lisa]

Every time I read something, anything, written by Plum Sykes, I cannot help to wonder. Is she really that ditsy, or is she just making that up?

[Liz]

I find these magazine incredibly depressing the same way I found Sex & the City depressing. Who lives in this kind of world where people pay $500 for a pair of shoes or, at the least, aspire to? Not anyone I know (or ever hope to know!).

I hate that this self-indulgent narcissism reflects poorly on women in New York City most of whom do not live in these upper class, high disposable income worlds. And the most galling thing about these magazines is that they think they are setting the high bar for what women hope to achieve/be!

That quote about Chris Evert, an athlete whom I admired so much as a young girl, has to be the most inane thing I've read in 2008. Did we go back in time to 1958 and no one told me?

[Katlin]

Hahaha, I love this! I used to love US Vogue, but lately I haven't been feeling them. Just for starters, as soon as I saw that cover I didn't even want to see what was inside.

[Katharine]

Thank you for this post. I feel privileged to have met someone who can point out Ms. Sykes' vapidity as readily as I can!
Coddington doesn't get on my nerves as much, though that quote hasn't helped her case...

[Lisa]

I am so sick of Anna and her underlings, like Sykes, Marina Rust, et al.
Anna's ruined what used to be a kick-ass magazine. Her insular world is a bore, and I find it more "depressing" than "aspirational" to read about her rich "socialites." I dream of the day she is replaced by someone like Carine Rotfeld.

[pam]

"So there are doctors who’ll remove excess fat and skin from your knees, but is there a surgical procedure to eliminate excessive narcissism?

See! Don’t you feel better already?"

YES!! I DO, Thanks for making my day! I haven't laughed so hard it a while!
Also, thanks to the FUG girls who sent me here. You're as great as they are!