We Read It So You Don't Have To: What Jessica Biel Reveals in Bazaar

Jessica Biel landed the cover of the August issue of Bazaar—and inside, she’s the star of an eight-page feature that pairs her with five designers in a series of dance-inspired poses. I say “dance-inspired” because little actual dancing is evident, especially on the part of the designers. Vera Wang is “play[ing] ballerina” by sitting on a metal ladder. Is that how it works? Because in that case, I am “scaling Mt. Everest” while, in fact, I’m stretched out on my couch watching America’s Best Dance Crew. (What? Shut up.)

Aside from that noteworthy instruction in exaggeration, the article wasn’t totally without merit! Even though it’s ostensibly about Jessica Biel, the piece had three valuable truths to offer me. So, as an homage to Biel’s 7th Heaven days, I heretofore present the life lessons I learned from “Jessica Biel: Dancing with the Designers.” Cue the saccharine music, please!

1. The best roles for women in Hollywood involve sex, stripping, and single motherhood. The article claims Biel is an “A-list actress.” Quibble with that designation if you must, but the proof is in her upcoming roles. Right now she’s working on a political comedy called Nailed, playing a woman whose head injury has created “irrepressible sexual urges.” Perhaps not completely irredeemable, right? But next up, in Powder Blue—worst title ever?—she’ll “strut her stuff as a single-mom stripper.” Clearly the best way for an actress to “strut her stuff” is by working a pole! Why act when you have breasts?

2. Speaking of stripping: Every woman must defend or demean her body at every available opportunity. In the interview, Biel’s body is described as “bombshell”; she has a “tiny waistline” and wears size 26 jeans from 7 For All Mankind. (That’s equivalent to a size 2 or an extra-small.) My beef is not that those descriptions are inaccurate; it’s that they’re followed up with this quote:

“I am the shape that I am. I feel no shame in it, you know what I mean? My mother always made me feel just great the way I was.”

I’m going to go out on a limb here and proclaim that anyone who looks like Jessica Biel should not feel shame about her body. All this faux defensiveness, like Biel’s admission that she’d be home working out if not for this interview, just reinforces the idea that women should be ashamed of  their bodies, no matter how sculpted they are. If Biel feels comfortable playing an exotic dancer, then she probably doesn’t lie awake at night fretting over her thighs. Just a guess. And good for her.

3. What celebrities eat during interviews is relevant to my life. It must be, because why else would every single profile devote so many inches to what these women eat? It's a no-win situation for the stars themselves, so the mags must perceive some benefit to the reader. (Either the celebs eat sparingly, and every tabloid accuses them of eating disorders and/or drug addiction, or they eat heartily to prove how "normal" they are, and every tabloid accuses them of eating disorders and/or drug addiction.) In case you care, here’s what Biel consumes over the course of the Bazaar interview: mashed potatoes, “pecan-drenched grouper,” fried green tomatoes, and a bite of “oozing chocolate dessert.” But she turns down the “European fully fatted handmade butter with a hint of honey.” Well, my life is certainly enriched by the spellbinding revelation that Biel likes mashed potatoes and chocolate! I thought I was the only one!

The article closes with Biel walking home alone down a dark street, her studio-appointed bodyguard “following behind her at a safe enough distance that she’ll never notice him.” Creepy! Is there a lesson in that, too? I never knew Jessica Biel—and Bazaar—had so much to teach.

Comments

[laylaness]

A 26? No wonder, after the oozing chocolate dessert. Girl needs to watch her mashed potato-intake if she wants to fit into those "skinny jeans" 24's at the back of her closet.

RE: "dance-inspired poses": Tyra would say that they need to move their bodies like dancers and not be afraid to commit to a pose, even if it looks stupid, you know?

[p.]

I call shenanigans on the 26. I seriously doubt that Biel's truly fantastic bottom (and I mean that in the most positive way - I think she has a beautiful, sexy figure) squeezes into a 26. I hate the designation of actresses like Biel as "curvy" - she's not. She's a thin girl with a nice shape, but it irks me that they would make her out to be even skinnier than she is. I would guess she probably wears a size 4/Small/27/28 jeans. If you feel the need to mention her size (which I don't see the point of) why lie about it? The average woman wears a size 8. When did anything above a 2 become reprehensible?

[Rachel]

Nailed is over--big problems with financing.

But while ugly, her fashion spread wasn't nearly as bad as Lucy Liu as an Olympic athlete. Her archery pose was the best shot, but the rest were just laughable. Are the editors at Bazaar legally blind?

[Jessica]

I would have to dispute the "A-list actress" bit myself. I haven't seen the full spread yet so I can't comment on that either. I like Jessica Biel, she was good in the Illusionist but she did do that awful Nicholas Cage movie and Stealth so let's not get too far ahead here.