How Marie Claire Ruined My Day

I used to read magazines in part because of the escapism they offered. After a stress-inducing week at a lousy job, I’d pick up a couple of magazines and spend a blissful evening reading about glamorous lives and exclusive couture.

No longer.

Sure, magazines still offer some sliver of escapism, but reading the June issue of Marie Claire was like delving into a world that’s worse than the one I actually live in. They’ve dubbed this “The Body Issue,” but really, it’s the bloody depressing issue. The intrepid staffers manage to put a negative slant on every single feature.

It starts on the cover with this:

Mighty Heidi Klum Recommends Sex in an Igloo

So it’s not enough for her to be a successful, beauty-standard-setting Teutonic blonde, but now my sex life is inadequate too? And an igloo? How would I even get access to one of those?

In case you haven’t already given up on liking your body—and if you’re a regular reader of women’s magazines, you probably have!—the swimsuit edition of “101 Ideas” will pound any shred of self-esteem out of you. To be fair, they’ve made a modicum of effort to acknowledge that one size does not fit all. Apparently, there are vastly different ways in which women can be scrawny blondes!

There’s skinny-blonde-with-a-prodigious-rack Katherine Heigl, whom the magazine dubs “curvy.” If her picture above the words “Flaunt a full figure” isn’t enough to make you skip lunch, then you’re a more secure person than I am. The next page bears Kate Hudson, who is somehow the embodiment of an “athletic” figure. Even more baffling, the page quotes Gabrielle Reece, who, as an athlete, actually possesses an athletic figure! Perhaps she isn’t blonde enough to appear here. Finally, there’s “petite,” represented by the wispy Kate Bosworth. I can’t quibble with that characterization of Bosworth, although “she can’t possibly eat solid food” is probably more accurate. That covered everyone, right? Next page!

More body anxiety-inducing style lurks on page 58, where “Fashion Prediction” touts capris:

Don’t get caught with your pants hem down. Think cropped…with ankle-enhancing chunky shoes.

Ankle-enhancing? That may have been last body part I wasn’t worried about.

It goes on: “Project Heidi” reveals that Klum really does look that good in person. The “Bulletin” overflows with gloominess: it crams disaster survival, a democracy activist’s death in Iraq, and students lobbying for the right to carry guns on campus into three pages. (There’s more there, too, including the flash that $399 iPhones are the preferred gift for Father’s Day. Uh, not this year, Dad. Sorry.)

Then there’s “Women Harassing Men,” about the rise in women sexually harassing men in the office. This story will forcibly disabuse you of any silly notion that females might actually abstain from the kind of behavior to which we’ve been subjected. Equality means different things to different people, I guess. Next, “I Married A Terrorist” is the story of a woman who, well, you know.

Even theoretically joyous events—weddings—are morphed into a relentless negative. Thinking of inviting friends to your nuptials? Don’t bother! They don’t want to come! “How to Survive Wedding Season” offers not-at-all-bitter essays with titles like:

• When Brides Attack

• Three Reasons It’s a Bad Idea to Hook Up with Three Guys at the Reception

and

• Hello Wedding Season, Good-Bye Savings

Are you still with me? Immediately following that heartfelt celebration of wedded bliss comes “Losing Stephanie.” The only photos of the aforementioned Stephanie are from the past, while her husband and kids are shown “at home in 2008,” so right away, it’s clear this story doesn’t have a happy ending. Stephanie was diagnosed with Creutzfeld-Jakob disease, one of those inexplicable, horrifying deaths that women’s magazines specialize in. Here’s what the doctor told her family:

CJD is one of a group of degenerative brain disorders…in which it is believed that an infectious and indestructible form of a protein called a prion invades the brain and creates spongelike holes. As the brain disintegrates, the human or animal descends into dementia and loses all control of its body. There is no treatment for CJD; it is 100 percent fatal.

Writer Gretchen Voss explains that the disease is believed to be linked to mad-cow disease. Worst of all, it has an incubation period of 30 years—meaning we could all be nursing this fatal disease right now. Still not drained enough to throw the magazine across the room? Keep reading!

A few dozen fashion pages intervene, offering up the usual outrageously thin women in fantastically expensive clothes, with the only atypically pleasing element being a non-white model in “Nightglo.” Then, two features add a lamentable dimension to otherwise positive tales of transformation.

First up, Ariel Levy’s acne memoir “Out, Damned Spot!” The good: her skin clears up, finally, thanks to a new laser treatment. The bad: The treatment is $500 a session, and she requires “several” after the initial three sessions. Next, diet-book authors Neris Thomas and India Knight celebrate dropping pounds with an entirely sensible regimen they devised. But even losing 70 pounds has its downside. This is Thomas’ final quote:

 

I kind of thought everything suited me when I lost the weight. We both spent so much money, it was a disaster! I’m sure our next book will be Happier Women, Loads of Debt.

Because I am a masochist, I persisted. The Love/Sex section includes the confession of a man who ended his relationship with the woman he dubs the “One for Me” because of an addiction to online dating—and surprise! None of the women he’s met online since have lived up to her. Then Maura Kelly meets a man who pressured her to pop a Xanax on the first date—which I’m going to go out on a limb and declare a dealbreaker. He tells her:

 

“It makes you forget all your hang-ups. You become the real you.”

If you have the tiniest shred of faith in humanity remaining, the final page of the magazine will kill it with the cattiness that is endemic in fashion mags:

White pants: If your thighs are wider than this caption, pass.

And if you want to feel the slightest bit of joy ever again, pass on this issue. Excuse me, please—I need to go look at some puppies.

Comments

[Athena]

I find it funny that the only way that you can see a model on the cover of fashion magazines is if they have some sort of reality or talk show. Having Heidi Klum on the cover was a great departure from the same five boring and emotionless actresses that usually grace the cover to talk about their boring lives. Please bring the models back!

[K-Line]

Hilarious post. Lately, I loathe Marie Claire. Years ago it used to be fun to read in the tub with their "hundred things under a hundred bucks" pages, but now it's all doom and gloom.

[Mav]

Marie Claire sounds so cheerful and well-meaning in theory, but is artless and worse in practice. But don't let that get you down -- Glossed Over's coverage was better than the issue itself, and I'm glad you're blogging again.

[Diziet]

I'm a newbie, directed here by Jezebel.

You are a class act - that is a brilliant dissection of what is wrong with 'women's' mags. I worked for Cosmo in the UK for a few years, until I couldn't take it any more and had to get myself a new career. I got so disillusioned by the whole thing, my daily life was made a hell. Also, I was bored shitless.

But, in defence of the many talented, intelligent and hilariously funny women I worked with there (the reason I stayed so long), it really is all about making a buck. You simply cannot fuck with the formula when there are millions at stake. Believe me, I tried. But the powers that be are simply too powerful.

[Diziet]

AND, in UK Cosmo's defence, it was our mantra to be positive (believe it or not), and some of our news features were genuinely interesting and well-written. We always used to laugh at how miserable Marie Claire was.

[tolybrv]

"White pants: If your thighs are wider than this caption, pass."

JE-sus. Crap like that is exactly why I let my subscription lapse.

[gigi]

Clearly you read the magazine cover-to-cover, so it must have been riveting! Actually I read it too and thought it was pretty great. I totally give Marie Claire credit for having a bit of humor and irony, instead of treating readers like morons who can only handle happy brainless tripe. Maybe you should read one of the more moronic women's magazines if this one is too smart for you.

[micki]

Only failed writers trash magazines on their blogs. Everyone knows that. Who else has the time, or would even make the effort?

[Bee]

Ugh, I despise Marie Claire. And someone decided to give me 2 years as a gift a long time ago! Everything in there is useless crap. Blah!

[Anon]

I'm with Gigi.
"Glossed," if you had the brain power to reflect upon your life's work here, you'd realize what a sad paradox it is. You're like Jerry Falwell pouring over porn, ostensibly because he opposed it, but more likely because of a latent perversion he refused to cop to. Your sniping and ranting is obvious sour grapes: Whether you couldn't get an e.a. post at Lucky, or your pitch letters to Self went ignored, there's little more to your sound and fury than good old-fashioned envy. And I'll offer you the same advice that sensible, First Amendment-loving people gave Falwell: IF YOU DON'T LIKE THE SHIT, STOP READING IT.

[moira]

I too have a love/hate relationship with magazines. I recently decided that although I think I'm supposed to be Marie Claire's demographic, it just doesn't speak to me. But what magazine does? Not cosmo, I'm too old and too monogomous. Not Vogue, I'm not rich enough. And God forbid I begin to walk down the Self or Redbook paths- I'm not THAT old.

So maybe instead I'll just read your recaps- I certainly enjoyed this one. Ankle-enhancing shoes? What the crap?

[Anon]

Addendum to earlier post: Which is exactly what I'm going to do with your blog. Stop reading.

[micki]

Anon is totally right: this blog is just sour grapes. The wussy anonymous blogger must've failed in her attempt to get an editorial assistant position at a glossy mag, boohoo! So now she is getting her sad "revenge," ha!

[Hop2It]

Hey, bitchy commenters!

Why don't you take TEN SECONDS and read the "About" part of the site that addresses your EXACT issue?

It says:

"Why do you read fashion magazines if you hate them so much?

The simplest explanation is that I don’t hate them. I’m disappointed by them."

You ever read a sports blog? Fans love their team but they can still complain about dumb player trades or bad play-calling.

Look at all the OTHER comments on this site. Look at Jezebel's praise for it. Clearly Glossed Over is filling a need. Why don't you move on and let these people have their fun?

Assholes.

[Glossed Over]

Whoa, whoa, whoa. So anyone who has a negative reaction to women's magazines is automatically a jealous wannabe? By that logic, anyone who disagrees with George W. Bush is a failed politician. Or do you believe that too?

P.S. Anon/Micki: Your IP address is showing!

[Diziet]

Methinks the trolls are interns at Marie Claire.

[Glossed Over]

Thanks, Dizlet.

[Glossed Over]

Oh, yes, and thanks as well to Hop2It.

[Héctor Muñoz]

Big fun on this post. I guess I'll have to risk out and buy a Maire Claire. That is going to be weird.

[vanessa]

I'm surprised by the negative comments, positive ones are so much more helpful. Keep up the good work, the love/hate addiction to magazines is something I enjoy reflecting on!

[sss]

"Methinks the trolls are interns at Marie Claire." -GO
So true, who else would waste their time defending Marie Claire? In fact MC is the only fashion mag that I can't bring myself to read anymore. Oh, and by the way tolybrv if you consider "White pants: If your thighs are wider than this caption, pass." intelligent reading then I feel very sorry for you indeed.

PS: GO I'm so glad you are back...reading Vogue just wasn't the same without you.:)

[Stunt Girl]

I too am surprised by the negative comments here. Glossed Over doesn't hate magazines, if she did she wouldn't buy so many! But that doesn't mean we have to like everything they do and say. I love my glossy mags but there is definitely room for improvement in them.

[Jeff R]

Keep it up, G.O. As perhaps one of three heterosexual male readers of this blog, I really enjoy your examinations of the soul-sucking nature of these rags. Actually _reading_ one would probably melt my brain, so your summaries do nicely.

And for the three negative posters above (they're not really trolls, since they likely believe what they're saying and aren't just out to cause trouble), you work in an industry whose entire purpose is to convince women that they're fat, ugly, dress like idiots and have terrible relationships...

...but all you need to do is starve yourself, drown yourself in the makeup we're selling, throw out all your clothes every three months to make room for new ones and screw every guy you can until a rich one knocks you up - *then* you can actually be worth something!

Oh, and get implants. Huge ones.

[Brigitte]

I remember a time when MC was a much better magazine. You know, one that actually contained articles worth reading. I don't know when it turned into JANE.

[Blue Eyes]

I love this post, it made me laugh out loud a few times because it's so true. I don't bother with magazines because most of the time they just make me feel worse rather than better! One page will tell of the dangers of anorexia, how it ruined this woman's life, and then when you turn over they have a 10 step plan to drop 10 lb in a week. This isn't providing conflicting information at all, no, of course not!