We Read It So You Don't Have To: The Entire February Issue of Cosmopolitan

Okay, we’ve been away from the blog for a while. Now that we’re back, we feel a little penance is necessary—after all, you’re still here, aren’t you? So we read the ENTIRE ISSUE of Cosmopolitan this evening. Here are the highs, the lows, the points where we just couldn’t resist a smartass remark. Enjoy while we take a lengthy shower to decontaminate.

•    First, the cover, on which Katherine Heigl is wearing a truly appalling dusty pink Herve Leger bandage dress. Does anyone actually need horizontal lines encasing their entire body? Does this look good on anyone who doesn't weigh 110 pounds? Hell, it barely looks good on Heigl.  Anyway, our favorite cover lines:

10 Subliminal Tricks That Make People Adore You

Guess what? Reading Cosmo in public isn’t one of them!

John Mayer Shares Why All Guys Aren’t A**holes

Well, there’s an unlikely source for that story.

•    Best letter to the editor ever.

I want to give you a high five for featuring Beyonce on the cover of your December issue. Thank you so much for showing more diversity in your magazine and featuring our country as a whole!

Because, you know, Beyonce is really representative of “our country as a whole.”

•    Oh! What an honor! Katherine Heigl is Cosmo’s “Fun Fearless Female of the Year.” Apparently, she earned the title by going head-to-head with former costar Isaiah Washington:

Last year, after costar Isaiah Washington allegedly used an offensive word (faggot) to refer to T.R. Knight…Katherine spoke up against Isaiah at the Golden Globes. “You can’t give me too much credit for being brave,” she says now. “I was just a girl who had had a couple of drinks and was angry and got mouthy.”

But then she says this…

“As I was opening my mouth, I kept thinking, Shut up. But it’s an issue that I felt really passionately about.”

Well, which is it? Was she loose-lipped after drinking,l or did she feel strongly about defending Knight? Also, we LOVE how Cosmo put the f-word in italics, like it’s a foreign language or something.

Two other reasons Katherine’s so fun and fearless: She last cried watching an episode of Grey’s spin-off Private Practice, and she has her own line of hospital scrubs. Is that what passes for awesome at Cosmo HQ?

•    We’re skipping the confessions, because they make us feel old. Also because they’re completely fabricated. In any case, we can’t exactly relate to tales of women accidentally exposing themselves during a dormitory fire drill or puking in the boss’ potted plants, possibly because we’re at the advanced age of 31, or because the last time we were senselessly drunk, we cried about college football in the diner at the Palms hotel in Vegas at 4 in the morning. Hey, Cosmo, we’d be happy to write that up and submit it for an upcoming issue!

•    In “Man Manual,” Cosmo calls out mensfitness.com for proffering dumb advice that a woman wearing flats to a bar “certainly isn’t there to lure a mate.” And Cosmo certainly has the moral high ground here, since all of its advice is spot-on!

•    Here’s some ludicrous Hollywood trivia that’s supposed to be surprising insider information, from “Informer”:

In the movie Catch Me If You Can, Grey’s Anatomy star Ellen Pompeo plays the hot stewardess who hooks up with Leo DiCaprio’s character. Jennifer Garner also appears in the flick as—get this—a high-class hooker!

Get this! It’s called acting! Also, her IMDB entry!

•    We are deeply amused by the anatomical euphemisms used in the lingerie feature “Pour Some Sugar on Me.” Resolved: to start referring to our breasts as our “powerful pair,” just like Cosmo does.

•    John Mayer’s letter to us readers on page 101 gave us the creeps.

A guy who has to say he’s nothing like those other guys is usually exactly like those other guys. Also, “passion-filled endeavors”? Signing the note “I love you”? Think we’ll pass on that drink, John.

Here are Cosmo’s other “Fun Fearless Male” honorees:

Chris Brown, who has eight tattoos! Fun!

Dave Annable, who has “always been scared of sharks in a little-girl way.” Fearless!

Dane Cook, who tells a scintillating tale of eating bad shellfish on a date. “I went to the bathroom and knew it was going to be an all-night situation, so I told her we had to drive home…and that I’d have to stop a couple times on the way.” Suave!

James McAvoy, who…well…we have nothing bad to say about him.

Tony Romo, who says football is “not as glamorous as everyone thinks.” Revealing!

John Krasinski, who should have combed his hair and worn something other than an undershirt for the photo, but we lurve him anyway.

Dave Salmoni, who is apparently some kind of wild-animal daredevil. Uh, reckless?

Common, who enjoyed playing a police officer in the upcoming movie The Night Watchman because he “got to learn about the ghetto part of Los Angeles.” Seriously.

Peter Krause, who likes to speak in clichés! “There’s something very romantic about doing things that make you feel incredibly alive.” Original!

Tom Anderson, who we deleted from our Myspace friends.

And Zac Efron, who…God. Do we really have to explain why no grown woman should be interested in him?

•    Wait. Why are there twelve fun fearless males, but only one female?

•    “9 Big Secrets of Male Arousal”: One of those secrets is that a man’s nose is an erogenous zone. Well, they get credit for trotting out a sex tip we are absolutely certain we’ve never seen before.

•    “Get Him to Go There”: You know how Cosmo won’t use the word “hair” twice in the same article, instead subbing “tresses,” “locks,” “strands,” and “sun-catching silk”? Well, they do the same with female genitalia! In the one-page story “Get Him to Go There,” writer Elise Nersesian uses the following terms:

Ahem, bush

Down below

Between your legs

Privates

Southern regions

Below the belt

Your goods

•    Aah! There’s more! In “The Most Satisfying Sex Position,” Bethany Heitman uses the expression “hot button.” TWICE.

•    There may be only one fun fearless female, but there are stories of five women who were “Young and Murdered.” Ah, so that’s the other way young women can get media coverage!

•    Then there’s “I Suddenly Had Baby Panic,” which sums up the decision to be a single mother like this:

I’m a romantic. I wanted the partner, then the baby…before long, I was considering single motherhood. A baby was my priority, so I decided to make it happen despite the obstacles.

Single motherhood isn’t exactly a fresh topic for a women’s magazine, but they could have printed something slightly more thoughtful than this. Writer Louise Sloan talks about searching for a sperm donor and “shopping for eye color the way you select pumps in red or navy.” Oh, excellent comparison. We never would have understood otherwise. Either Cosmo thinks its readers are sexually precocious twelve-year-olds, or they think we’re stupid. We can’t decide which is a worse editorial philosophy.

•    “It’s A Wild, Wild Life,” a fashion spread with way too much khaki, uses the following caption:

She always wanted to use that line “I am woman, hear me roar.”

Using a feminist anthem to sell clothes? And we thought we were cynical.

•     “The Secrets of Being an ‘It Girl’”: Apparently it has something to do with being named Jessica, as both Alba and Biel are pictured in the opening spread. No need to read this one!

•    Oh no! Another way we could die! “Beware of This Scary Infection” tells us all about MRSA, which is one more disease whose transmission can be prevented by thorough hand-washing, but which we’re going to fret about anyway!

•    This is why we don’t normally spend any time on the “Red-Hot Read.”

He really does want to make me his own personal ice-cream sundae, she thought and gasped as the ice cream dripped from the spoon onto her belly, her hips, her thighs…

This “erotic” story really does want to trot out every tired cliché, she thought, and rolled her eyes as she realized it was possible to write graphically about sex and still be totally dull...

•    Ooh, our horoscope! “Uninhibited booty awaits!”

•    Finally, the last page of this issue, the “Cosmo Quiz.” Turns out we’re “flirt averse,” but we think that just translates to Cosmo-averse. Good night!

Comments

[moi]

Not only is that Herve Leger bandage dress so YESTERDAY, so are Heigl's bolted-on, frozen grapefruit half boobs. Come to think of it, you know what else is so yesterday? Cosmopolitan itself. Thanks for reading it, so we don't have to.

[Citronella]

I've had this issue of Cosmo on the floor of my bedroom for weeks. I was still sure the headline about John Mayer read "John Mayer Shares Why All Guys Are A**holes".

And thinking that they sent me this issue so that I remember how wonderful Cosmo is and renew my subscription (that I didn't even started in the first place)... no, I don't think so.

[Bee]

Welcome back! Thank you for reading this mag so I won't have to! : )

[Glossed Over]

Moi: We just read that the Leger dress is being knocked off by Express, so yeah, it's expired.

Citronella: Ha! That story would have been WAY more interesting than the pap they did publish.

[Sean Bayer]

Dear Ladies,

I'd like you all to know how much I respect your MIND and how much I admire your personal revulsion at magazines like Cosmo. I'm sorry to hear about your past fashion magazine fallouts and I want you to know that I'm nothing like those idiot males featured in the February issue (whose name shall go unmentioned) who you treated you like mindless, spendthrift, immature waifs for far too long. Get a drink soon and forget about your recent weight-loss endeavors.

I love you,

Sean Bayer.

[Charlene]

In the interests of accuracy, MRSA cannot be 'prevented' by thorough hand-washing. The risk of transmission can be reduced by most people, yes, but don't fall into the common journalistic error of thinking "reduced" means "eliminated" or that "most" means "all".

[Glossed Over]

Charlene, here's the quote from Cosmo:

"Washing your hands properly is the best way to ward off MRSA, because soap and water kill the microbe."

They also warn against sharing razors and towels; advise keeping cuts bandaged; and cleaning off exercise equipment with an antibacterial wipe before use.

[Stacey]

I have never commented but I am a long time reader of your blog and just had to say you are one funny bitch..... I love your sense of humor! I look forward to magazine week when they all come in the mail to see what you will have to say.

p.s., and I can't stand Cosmo- does anyone over the age of 21 actually read that magazine? (well, aside from you obv.... thanks though because the posts are hilarious)

[Athena]

Cosmo has got to be the worst magazine and I am truly shocked that it is the #1 women's magazine. How is that possible? Great job with the blog. It is hilarious and so was the Cosmo post. Thanks for reading it for us, but I also feel bad that you had to endure the entire thing.

[940crackparty]

Yeah, Charlene is pretty much spot on there, despite what all those brilliant doctors at Cosmo have to say. MRSA is part of the normal flora in a lot of people's noses and on their skin (about 1/3 of the population), so for that population, technically, any break in the skin could lead to a pretty massive infection, although most people's immune systems can handle it, so no, it's not really worth the massive amounts of freaking out. At least, thats the current word at my nursing school, but there's always a chance that Cosmo has the edge when in comes infection control.
Oh,and someone should tell John Mayer that writing "ladies" automatically makes him sound like a perv, and that my personal values he so respects have specific provisions against guitar strumming douchebaggery and skat singing.

I agree completely about the dress. Katherine Heigl is generally so lovely... yet not in this. Between the mauve color and vacuum-sealed fit, it's got an early '90s vibe, especially when combined with big hair and big earrings. I wish she could flee the cover to a better outfit and better magazine. Cosmo is horrendous.

[Glossed Over]

Stacey and Athena: Thanks!

940: We're going to side with your nursing school over Cosmo on this one. Also siding with your feelings on John Mayer over Cosmo's.

[Molly]

Dear John Mayer,
I'm so glad you respect our MIND. And admire our PERSONAL VALUES.

Just so you know, I have no respect for your MUSIC and also hate your ASS FACE.

Thanks for being sympathetic towards my past romantic fallouts, you PRETENTIOUS TWIT, and also for generalizing that every girl has a guy who has treated her like garbage for far too long.

Please get SYPH!

Molly

[DailyBedpost]

Molly's comment just took 37 minutes off my life, I was laughing so hard. Also, I kept thinking this write-up would wrap-up and then there was MORE. Who knew there was so much of Cosmo to hate? (You did, of course) and so much of Katherine Heigl's boobs to look so, um, totally weird. So glad you're back!

[robyn]

can I just say that I love nothing more than reading your comments about issues of cosmopolitan. I've thought this magazine was ridiculous for a long long time, and you just make me laugh hysterically while talking about it. I think my favorite has been your calling it a "relentless parade of sleaze." So true. Please never stop discussing Cosmo.

[Stunt Girl]

MRSA is obviously not as much of an issue over in the States as it is here in the UK where it's in the papers almost every week, but I'm happy at least that a trashy mag like Cosmo is covering something relatively important. That said, I'm fairly certain you need to use alcohol hand gels rather than soap and water.