Lowest Common Denominator: InStyle, January

2: Number of pages devoted to Kate Hudson (“Her 10 best, ever!”)

4: Additional photos of Kate Hudson throughout the issue (pages 78, 112, 115, 149)

7, not counting writer Johanna Schneller: People who gush over Katie Holmes in “What Katie Wants” (The illustrious Kate Cruise Fan Club counts the following luminaries as members: Sherry Lansing, Giambattista Valli,  Diane Keaton, Giorgio Armani, Victoria Beckham, Callie Khouri, and Christopher Bailey of Burberry.)

29: Percentage of paragraphs in “What Katie Wants” in which Katie gushes about Tom Cruise or “being a wife”

Way, way too much: Amount Katie is trying to make her marriage appear sound

1: Ludicrous statement about femininity in “Figure Flattery.”  The collarbone is, according to InStyle, “arguably one of the most feminine parts of a woman’s body.” Wait, are they really claiming certain parts of a woman’s body are more feminine than others?  No word on which parts are, like, unacceptably gender-neutral.

1: Animal whose fur is suggested as a “problem solver” for upper arms in the same article (That’d be the rabbit, and there’s a shrug and a capelet crafted of its pelt.)

$54.80: Average price of the “positively affordable” items in “Deals & Steals,” which is—surprise!—actually affordable

3: Photos of Jennifer Garner in the same magenta Zac Posen dress (pages 75, 76, and 110). We love us some Sydney Bristow, and it’s a gorgeous dress, but three times?

1: Number of animate objects listed in “Designer Lust List” (Jenni Kayne says a French bulldog is a must-have.  Dogs, yes!  But pups as fashion accessories?   God, no.)

10: Steps involved in a “simple…approach to getting it right in the new year and beyond,” per “Beauty 2008: Your Master Plan”

Absolutely none: Amount of interest we have in developing a “master plan” involving a “signature scent”  and hair accessories.  Like we have nothing better to do?

42: Percent of ad pages in this issue which tout cosmetics, skincare, and haircare products

26: Words we read in the Vanessa Williams story.  They were: “Can a native New Yorker like Vanessa Williams find true bliss—and a really good soy chai latte—way out West?  You bet your sweet Buddha.”

Approximately a billion: Number of times we’ve seen the story about a New Yorker moving to L.A.  Doesn’t anyone east of the Mississippi realize that we do, in fact, have bagels on the West Coast?

Infinitely: Degree to which we were bored with this issue

Comments

[Molly]

Excellent, thank you for allowing me to completely skip that issue.

Also, I think it's pretty ridiculous to say that the collarbone is the most feminine part of a woman's body when men have collarbones too. Is the collarbone also the most feminine part of a MAN'S body? Wouldn't something that only women have arguably make more sense as the most feminine part?

Lastly, these are BONES we are talking about here. Can some parts of my body PLEASE not be defined in terms of how appealing it is to men? Like, for example, my bones? Can you leave my bones out of this, InStyle?

[Aleta]

I moved to New York from Oregon and sometimes I get the feeling they think we don't have electricity outside of L.A. either.

[Maia]

3 pictures of garner in the same dress? Sounds like an editing mistake. Why would the pictures be in consecutive order - 75 & 76? and then again on 110? Magazines have so much power to promote things. So why jen garner three times in a dress? Couldn't that space been used for something like more beauty products ? (haha)

Thank you glossed over!

[Emily]

BWAHHAHAHAHA! "You bet your sweet Buddha!" PFFFFFFFFFFFFT!