Scoping Out September Issues (Still): W: Glossed Over

We know, we know. This issue came out weeks ago, and we’re just now getting to it? In our defense, it only showed up in the mail on Thursday. This issue took ages to arrive, but at least our J. Crew catalogs arrive three times a week. Sheesh.

All right…we might as well open the magazine. After all, the October issue is probably going to show up any minute!

The issue weighs: 4.2 pounds

Issue thickness: just over an inch

Who’s on the cover: Gwyneth Paltrow, looking how we imagine Donatella Versace looked thirty years ago—too much brow, too much blonde, too much bronzer. Did Gwyn even look in the mirror before she stepped in front of the camera?

Who bought the back cover: Giorgio Armani. The model’s wearing a shirt of paillettes and strange sleeves reminiscent of chain mail that aren’t even attached to the top. We’ll cave to leggings long before we drop cash on woven metal sleeves.

Number of ad pages between the cover and the table of contents: The table of contents starts on page 112 and continues on 205—like the rest of the September issues, this tome is absurdly ad-heavy.

Total number of pages: 640! It’s W’s biggest issue ever! Why, according to the cover, it’s

A Fall Fashion Bonanza

A bonanza of advertising, that is! See below.

How many of those pages are ads: 477, about 75 percent (source: MIN Online)

Subscription cards: Three bound. We can deal.

Cosmetic samples: Daisy by Marc Jacobs. Eh. The ubiquitous Fendi Palazzo, about which we still aren’t convinced. Viktor & Rolf Flowerbomb, which, yeah, lives up to its name. That’s not a compliment.

Is it portable? We’ll just say that it felt more than a tad weird using our canvas Target tote to schlep a magazine that features a $22,650 crocodile bag.

Number of articles concerning the obscenely wealthy: Oh, virtually all of them. Our favorite (of the ones we bothered to read, because why torture ourselves?) was “Just Like Mom,” wherein young, super-rich women borrow clothes from their young-looking, super-rich moms. Oh, fun! It’s, like, recycling!

For one bash, Samantha pulled out a black and gold minidress that Jamee had donned for a New Year’s fete in Lyford Cay some thirty years ago.

Yep, totally quotidian. Ready for the quote?

“Everyone was asking me, ‘Is that Prada? Miu Miu?’ And it’s like, a $275 dress from Alexander’s, but it was just so incredibly chic.”

See, it’s nothing! It’s just a dress that was crazy expensive when it was new a whole generation ago! And that is why we eventually stopped reading the articles in this issue.

Not as annoying as we expected: Gwyneth Paltrow’s interview. That’s because it is actually, totally, definitively impossible to be more annoyed by her personality than we were by the photo of her feeding a rat with a sippy cup. What the hell?

Exactly as annoying as expected: “Wild Roses,” shot by Mert Alas and Marcus Piggott. Because, you know, we don’t expect much from photo editorials that involve live poultry.

More annoying than we expected: It’s a tie between the aforementioned crocodile bag and the $3,300 crocodile gloves. For the woman who wants to spend exactly the same amount of her gloves as she did on her most recent lunchtime mini-lift.

Best pseudonym ever: Jinx Titanic, who suggested a Posh-Becks-Brad-Angelina foursome in a letter to the editor (page 304). Jinx may well be the most awesome person alive. Update: Kate at Fishbowl LA writes that Jinx Titanic is a punk legend. Which, yes, makes the letter even better.