Glossed Over

Samberg Delights, Sarah Jessica Dismays in Elle

It’s hard to feel engaged with celebrity profiles.  They’re often so carefully orchestrated, so relentlessly false that we might as well be reading a press release. When is the last time you felt like you actually understood someone better after reading about them in a magazine?

Even so, we were unexpectedly pleased by this bit from “Born to be Wild,” the profile of Andy Samberg in the August edition of Elle.

“I feel like there’s so much accepted sexism,” Samberg says.  “Everyone talks about doing R-rated movies, and it’s like, ‘Well, you’re going to have some titties!’  And it’s like, ‘What?  No!  That’s not a sacrifice that we would ever want to make.  We love to have cursing, but it doesn’t mean that you have to have a girl take her shirt off…”

So could it be that the Lonely Islanders, who can at times seem a bit unduly preoccupied with their man-flesh…are…feminists?  “Ha,” Samberg says, and then turns serious.  “Absolutely.”

Andy Samberg is a feminist?  As soon as we finish this post, we are going to re-watch “Lazy Sunday.”

Our sudden rush of affection for Samberg is the opposite of our reaction to the Sarah Jessica Parker article in the same issue.  Enough with the canonization of her, already.   There’s something inherently frustrating (not to mention dull) about an actor who repeatedly tells reporters she won’t talk about her private life.  Honestly, we’re contemplating taking up residence in an underground bunker when the Sex and the City movie is released.  Quotes like this one from “SJP Inc.” certainly don’t help our raging case of Parker-phobia:

“Don’t you just love Chinatown?  Doesn’t it smell amazing?”  Sarah Jessica Parker is standing slightly downwind from a stand selling nickel-size, briny dried scallops, acrid tree bards, and a selection of shriveled mushrooms labeled simply CHINESE HERB—in truth, probably not the sweetest-smelling spot in Manhattan.

It’s probably just a personality clash (or, you know, her finely honed sense of smell that she developed in the process of creating not one but two successful perfumes!), but anyone who can wax rhapsodic about the aroma of shriveled mushrooms is far too perky for us.  Indeed, we may not be the only ones suffering from Sarah Jessica Parker overload.  Coty Prestige exec Catherine Walsh, who works with SJP on her ever-expanding collection of perfumes, tells this story about the star to Elle’s Maggie Bullock:

“I used to send her weekly ratings [for Lovely],” says Catherine Walsh…“When they dropped, she would say, ‘Oh my gosh!  Do I need to go to Dadeland Mall and make a personal appearance?’”

Which would seem to be a genuine revelation about Parker’s character, except for the fact that Walsh told that exact same story nearly a year earlier to a different magazine.  Here’s the tale as it appeared in the October 2006 issue of Marie Claire:

“When we launched,” says Walsh, “we started to send her sales reports weekly, by store.  She would read them, and if we weren’t in the top three names, she’d e-mail me and ask, ‘Is there something I need to do?  Do I need to go there?’  I mean, who does that?  Even I don’t do that!  Carlos and I just looked at each other and said, ‘She’s really going to go to Macy's in Dadeland, FL, because we’re number nine there?’  She just puts you to shame.”

We don’t know what’s stranger, that anyone at Elle found Walsh’s boosterish anecdote worth repeating or the fact that we actually remembered reading the story in Marie Claire last year.  Not that it matters much, since “SJP Inc.”  is full of rehashes.  The piece contains another explanation about the genesis of Bitten and several paragraphs about the SATC film, along with our personal favorite celebrity article trope—the ultra-thin celeb orders multiple entrees, in this case “with gusto,” as if to attest that she actually does eat normally.  Yawn.  If there’s one thing that’s still interesting about Sarah Jessica Parker, it’s her ability to keep the  publicity juggernaut alive, even though there’s nothing new to say.  Can the next journalist to interview her please ask about that?

W Redefines "Fashion Victim" in Furry Photo Spread

We may not always like W’s fashion spreads, but we do appreciate that they don’t just pose the models in front of a gray fabric backdrop and call it a day.  The resulting photos are challenging and striking, and they always have a point of view.

All of which, sadly, is the best we can muster for “Into the Woods,” August.  It challenged us, all right—challenged us not to throw the whole issue across the room.  It wasn’t just the photos that looked like a child’s birthday party gone horribly wrong:

       
No, what really got to us was the stream of photos of model Doutzen Kroes wearing exotic furs while posed as if dead.  Is implied violence with an added hint of nudity what passes for edgy?

    

    

    

Good job, W!  Nothing makes us crave a Gucci badger fur coat like seeing it on the victim of a crime!  And nothing says high fashion like a dead woman wearing dead animals!

Marie Claire: Find Yourself...or Find a Man

Who says our time would be better spent reading books?  Magazines are a perfectly enriching way to spend our time.  In particular, the August edition of Marie Claire sent us on a journey of self-discovery.  See, the command on the cover—

Discover Your Inner Fembot!

—immediately piqued our interest, conjuring mental images of the fembots from the Austin Powers movies.  While dressing in feather-trimmed teddies and using our breasts as a lethal weapon does seem like a winning lifestyle choice, we weren’t sure we were ready to commit.  Fortunately, Marie Claire even included a handy quiz to determine whether we were perfectly suited to the fembot lifestyle!

August's Denim Stories Do Us No Good

It’s Friday.  Let’s talk fashion, shall we?

Reading Lucky’s “Denim Guide,” Marie Claire’s “Denim Trend Report,” and InStyle’s “Jeans A-Z” (in the August issues) has us wondering: Is apparel Armageddon upon us?  With the perfect storm of colored denim, skinny jeans, and high-waisted pants, it’s like every awful trend of the early 1990s has been revived all at once.  Yes, we realize ranting about this makes us sound old.

See, by mindlessly following trends throughout our youth, we suffered a ton of denim trauma.  In junior high, we pegged our jeans to show off our multiple pairs of colored socks.  In high school, we wore super-light washes in a tapered cut and cuffed denim shorts in teal and red (though at least we refrained from wearing ripped grunge-style jeans).  And in college, we lived in a pair of brown jeans from the Gap.  We cringe thinking about those crimes of fashion we committed so blithely—all we wanted was to be stylish!—so we’re skeptical about the return of denim looks we tried so hard to forget.  Won’t someone please make a reasonably modern, flattering, affordable pair of jeans and spare us further retrospective embarrassment?

Our list of the pants we will never, ever wear:

• The Oligo Tissew skinny jeans on page 145 of Lucky (at right).  They’re purple.  And rubberized.  And they cost $239.  We can only hope the price is a misprint.  The mag describes them thusly:

Very Studio 54: They have a touch of sheen and an extra-body-conscious fit.

We guess a Studio 54-inspired trend is a good thing…if you want to look like you were completely high when you got dressed.  Besides, we’re 5’1” with hips, and those pants are straining to cover the model’s curves.  They are not going to work on us.

• The high-waisted Earnest Sewns on page 47 of Marie Claire.  For just $240, they come with a complimentary back yoke and button pocket.  Exactly like pants we had in fourth grade!

The mag describes another pair of pants as

Disco-style denim…

Disco, Studio 54—we’re sensing a pattern here.  Since when is disco-inspired a positive attribute?

In the pages of InStyle, we simply can’t decide which is worse:

• Is it Jennifer Lopez’s high-waisted pair with three buttons above the zipper fly (page 169 and at right)?  Where do those things end?  They’re like a corset and a pair of pants in one.

• Or is it the $253 Rock & Republics on page 171 with red lightning bolts stitched on the back pockets?  They’re just like a pair we had when we were eight, only exponentially more overpriced!

Not all of it is horrible—we’ll be trying the pinstriped jeans InStyle recommends and the “baby bells” Lucky loves.  Or, you know, we’ll just stick to skirts. 

What do you think about the new denim styles?

Lesser Celebs, Lessons Imparted In Life & Style Weekly

We don’t normally read Life & Style Weekly—for reasons that should be fairly obvious—but when a few pages from the new issue popped up in our inbox, we couldn’t resist taking a look.  Check out the caption on this photograph of Heidi Montag (from The Hills, which we do watch, for reasons that should be fairly obvious) modeling an Ashley Paige swimsuit at Miami’s Fashion Week.

Good thing she got that boob job!

Really, why is it a good thing?  The suit would have stayed up on its own, so...is it good because without the implants she could never have modeled? (Doubtful, considering the size of the average runway model, not to mention that this modeling gig is more likely the result of MTV’s cameras than Heidi’s merits.)  Because without fake breasts she would never have been considered attractive? (Nah, we think she looked better before the surgery.) We’re stumped. 

If her new shape makes her feel confident and  happy, great—but why is a magazine promoting breast implants?  There’s just no reason for a magazine to say it’s a “good thing” in a foreboding tone, as if some horrible fate awaited her otherwise, as if all women should be expected to have bountiful breasts, as if only big-breasted women are beautiful.

That may be the most blatant promotion of plastic surgery we’ve ever seen in print.  Still, in Heidi’s case, it probably is a genuinely good thing.  See, without the surgery (and the engagement—why do we know this?), she might not be getting any attention whatsoever.  Looks like the surgery helped her elude the unspeakably terrible fate of anonymity...for now, anyway.

Bazaar's Tradition of Off-Putting Covers Continues

It’s not quite on par with the Paris-Nicole fiasco, but the August cover of Bazaar is still appalling.  Featuring Jessica Simpson with a bundle of balloons on the beach (and visible wrinkles around her eyes and mouth) and the magazine’s typically generic cover lines, this cover is clearly designed to attract—well, who exactly?

André Leon Talley's Wardrobe Confuses Us

André Leon Talley, Vogue’s editor-at-large, wore these two ensembles at Valentino’s forty-fifth anniversary celebration in Rome.

Can someone more fashion-inclined than we are explain this?  Was his luggage lost again, or should we expect to see men wearing similar outfits this fall?  We truly do not understand.

Images via Oh No They Didn't and Getty Images

Self's "Secret": Sort of Gross, But Strangely Touching

We nearly skipped over Self’s “Sitting On a Secret,” July, once we determined it was about hemorrhoids. A few days ago, we read this, which was more than enough information on the topic.  Also, we’re squeamish.

But—surprise!—we’re glad we read Self’s story in its entirety.  Turns out, the Self piece isn’t just about veins protruding from a sensitive part of the writer’s anatomy.  (Though we were troubled by the decision to refer to said protrusions as a “bean” and a “cherry.”  Ew!)  It was also a reminder about the nature of marriage and commitment.

I suddenly realized that the only way to make my husband understand was to show him.  As I got into position, it struck me that he might never have sex with me again, but it was a risk I had to take.  “Oh.  My.  God,” he whispered through his hands.  He hugged me and said he was so sorry and officially named the cherry Chester.  He also had some bad news:  There were in fact three hemorrhoids—one big, two little.  Yep.  Chester had a posse.

And:

When I returned home [after surgery to remove the hemorrhoids]…I asked my husband for a sympathy look-see because the anesthesia was wearing off…My husband held my hand and walked me toward the bathroom.

Whoa.  Now that’s love—and a look at marriage nearly as enlightening as the articles about relationships.

We’ve learned more than enough about hemorrhoids recently, thank you very much.  But excrutiating detail and all, this story was still far less gag-inducing than the “deep” Fergie lyrics quoted in the cover story.

Know When to Fold ‘Em: Jane to Close

There’s no official announcement yet, but looks like we’ve seen the last of Jane.  Condé Nast is folding the magazine, which has reportedly struggled at the newsstand and with advertisers in recent months.  Fashion Week Daily says that editor-in-chief Brandon Holley and vice president/publisher Carlos LaMadrid will both leave the company.   

We’re unexpectedly saddened by this news.  We may have mocked Jane relentlessly, but we’ll miss it nonetheless.

For more:

Jane Magazine Folds (Fashion Week Daily)

Rumor: Jane Magazine Folds (Gawker)

Lady Down (Gawker)

Condé  Nast Folds Jane (Radar Online)

Edit: Radar Online has more, including the official press release announcing the closure.  And Mediabistro has a bit more about the affected staffers.

Allure Defends Nicole Richie With a Drug Reference

We found this amusing bit in Allure’s “Bottoms Up!” by Rory Evans, July.  Evans mentions gossip blogs, but we are quite sure we’re not reading the same ones.  These two sentences of hers actually made us laugh out loud.

If an actress gets too bony-assed, the paparazzi turn on her and so does public opinion.  (Could anyone imagine blogging smack about Audrey Hepburn the way they do about Nicole Richie?)

Because, you know, there isn’t a single gossip-worthy detail about Nicole Richie other than her weight.  But that surely unintentional reference to “smack”?  Genius!