Shocking Allure Investigation Reveals That Stars Take Drugs

So, maybe we’re more sensitive to it living on the West Coast, but we’ve noticed a string of articles painting California as a strange land.  Continuing the neverending series of stories whose existence seems predicated on the idea  that Los Angeles is indeed very different from New York, Allure’s June issue includes “Hollywood High,” an investigation of the “star party scene.”  Wait, celebrities take drugs? We had no idea!  (And good thing they came west to look into this matter:  famous people in NYC never, ever use!)

Predictably, this barely restrained piece by writer Mary A. Fischer isn’t quite Pulitzer-worthy.  Rather, it’s downright lazy.  The article fails to break any ground whatsoever, attempting to stun us with the following facts that should be patently obvious to anyone over the age of 16 who’s ever watched one measly episode of Access Hollywood:

1. Famous people take drugs!  In nightclubs!  OMG!

2. Celebrities get their drugs gratis in exchange for passing along their dealer’s number to wealthy pals.  You know, like how they get designer clothes.

3. Clubs are catering to drug users, offering more bottled water and energy drinks to prevent the downer effect caused by mixing certain drugs with alcohol.  (Okay, so we learned something new about chemistry, but we aren’t surprised to learn that clubs cater to their clientele’s base desires.  That’s how they make money, after all.)

4. Well-known drug dealers have no trouble getting into nightclubs.

5. Other than the dealers, only invited guests, celebs, and “really hot-looking” people are granted admission to nightspots.

Apparently, they don’t want to distinguish this article too much from the serious journalism that appears in Us Weekly (or, we suppose, potentially invite litigation), so no names are mentioned. Fair enough. But with nary a thinly disguised clue, how are we supposed to discern the true identities of the following individuals mentioned?  Other than assuming these descriptions all refer to Lindsay Lohan and/or Nicole Richie, that is, because we definitely are. 

a young fashion publicist

a beautiful young starlet

a model who, before she cleaned up her act, ran in these circles

one celebrity party girl

a film editor  (We say: no one cares.)

a high-profile celebrity

a well-known celebrity and two of her friends

“Celebrity party girl”?  Come on, Allure, you’re not even trying!

Other than the identity of the people featured in this article, one particular anecdote also captured our imagination:

…on a quiet residential street three blocks from the Sunset Strip, the dealer pulled up in a nondescript car, turned off the lights, and waited.  A black SUV with four people inside parked behind him.

Two adjacent parking spots near Sunset on a Friday night? If only!  Sadly, that’s the most shocking part of this article, except maybe that we read every single word of it.

Comments

[LollyPops]

Huh... So I guess according to Allure LA IS different from NYC. Sort of like the way Eastern Europe is different from the US: they get the same shit, only 10 or 15 years later and only for the super-rich. Because NYC had clubs with house dealers since times immomorial. In fact, the scene described in Allure is exactly what I experienced at the Tunnel back in '94. Rock on, LA!

[Glossed Over]

We swear we aren't trying to be obtuse, but are you being sarcastic?

[Glossed Over]

Oops, disregard our previous comment. We get it now that we're actually awake.

scary