We Read It So You Don't Have To: Lindsay Lohan Gets Melodramatic in Allure

Some of the utter lunacy in Allure’s Lindsay Lohan profile, May, has already been making its way across the internet, but we only received our subscription copy on Saturday.  And it was totally worth the wait, too, since we received the added bonus of a booklet introducing us to the vendors behind every single one of the beauty lines QVC carries.  Oh, the joys of being a subscriber!

Still, we had no idea how much of a treat we were in for when we arrived at page 280 and saw this:

Coming of Age

From the beginning of her successful career, Lindsay Lohan has aspired to be a modern-day Marilyn Monroe.  Is she starting to resemble her tragic idol?

Sounds like someone’s taking Lindsay just a wee bit too seriously.  Don’t have the stomach to endure the entire wretchedly earnest thing?  Here’s the gist of it:

“I feel like a second parent in the sense that I helped raise my family,” she says of her younger three siblings.  “And I was put between my mother and father a lot.  Well, I would put myself between them to try and keep the peace, and I felt good doing that.  For what it’s worth.”  A rueful shrug.  “Now they’re divorced.”

Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary (like, say, her parents’ divorce), Lindsay nonetheless believes she has the power to keep people secure.

“When my friends have left me—I’ve just seen everything collapse,” she says.  “They’re not safe without me.”

Which we think explains why her father’s in prison!  Either she really is incredibly powerful, or she’s dumb enough to make threats to her pals via a reporter.

On to the topic du jour:

“It’s so weird that I went to rehab,” she says.  “I always said I would die before I went to rehab.”

Well, yes, that’s typically how these things work.  And we thought her mother had no sense of irony!

“I say [I idolize] Marilyn Monroe, because if I were blonde, that’s who I’d want to be like,” she demurs…“I use everything she’s gone through when I’m upset.  That’s what I take from her.”

Because, you know, it all worked out so well for Marilyn. 

“I never passed out in my life!  I never vomited from having drinks.  Like in public.  I would never do that.  Well—” she amends, “a few times.  Well, everyone does in high school.  I’m not saying everyone.”

Whoa, Lindsay is so out of touch, so used to life in the spotlight, that the distinction between vomiting in public from drinking too much and vomiting in private from the same cause is actually meaningful.  Why would she even bother to deny drinking to excess when, hello, she discusses going to rehab in this same interview?  (And, if we can be sincere for a microsecond, how sad is this?)

But writer Judy Bachrach saved the best for almost last, creating a chilling culmination of this entire overwrought article.

“It’s like when you’re doing a movie, and it ends.  Then you don’t see the other people for so long.”  Lohan says that she weeps when the filming stops, every time.  For her, it’s like losing family members.  Yet again.

And for us, this straining-for-drama story is another sliver of our lives lost to Allure.  Yet again.

Comments

[Emily]

Just found your blog 2 days ago, you're awesome, you're my new gofugyourself!

If LiLo wasn't real, someone would have to make her up. These lines she's reeling off... they're so utterly clueless and illustrative of a general Hollywood malaise I can't believe someone isn't behind it... she's a parody of *herself*.

[Lizzy]

Jeez, she's so boring and such a bad example for children at the same time. I don't understand her or allure's insistance on using that mid-90s courier font.

[Glossed Over]

Emily: Thanks! You're right, she is ridiculous. We have trouble imagining what she really thinks if what's in Allure is what got past her publicist. Yikes!

Lizzy: Yeah, remember the fuss about her smoking a cigarette in W? We agree about the logo font, though we do like the color on this month's cover.

[heather]

i don't think there's anything wrong with the interview. they simply allowed lindsay to say moronic things, then printed them. they weren't "straining for drama."