Cosmopolitan's Creepy Guy Commentary

Continuing its unrelenting parade of sleaze, May’s issue of Cosmopolitan takes us on a rather disturbing journey:

Inside a Guy’s Naughty Mind

Of course, we really could have lived without such an uncensored record of the inner workings of Patrick, Cosmo Radio’s “hot evening host.”  (That’s his mug, below.)  We’re all for fostering better communication between the sexes, and it is train-wreck fascinating to read how even the most ordinary encounter can be stretched into something sex-related.  Still, Patrick’s “erotic musings” are, ultimately, nothing but a turn-off.  For instance:

10:05 A.M.

…I wonder if she’s looking to hook up again?...She was a freak and knew when to take control in bed.

So despite the fact that Cosmo promotes sexual confidence on, like, every other page of the magazine, men still reduce a forward woman to a “freak.”  Good to know!

11:40 A.M.

There’s this girl at the gym who always wears booty shorts and does an exercise where she works her legs while her butt is straight up in the air.  She’s in perfect doggie-style position, and in my dream world, I could totally hit that…

Oh, you sure know the way to a woman’s heart, Patrick.  Women love nothing more than to be objectified while going about their everyday activities!

1:17 P.M.

Okay, and now there’s some random dude in spandex blocking my view.  I think I’m going to be sick.

Sharp thinking, Patrick—by totally overreacting to the unavoidable situation of happening to glance at another man, you’ve sure sold us on the fact that you are 100% straight. This is a completely unsubstantiated guess on our part, but we’re guessing Patrick also loves football and red meat, and is just waiting for the right moment to tell you about the day he was elected social chair at Sig Ep.

5:10 P.M.

I love the elevator.  Me and my boys at work always stand in the back and check out the asses of the women getting on and off.  There’s a nice one!

The imminent sexual-harassment lawsuits ought to put a stop to this behavior rather quickly.

7:15 P.M.

On the show, we’re discussing whether you should have sex on a first date, and a girl just called in and said she’s done it and “loved it!”…Maybe she’s a dog in real life, but in my mind, she’s a hottie.

Oh, he’s sensitive, see, because he’s looking past the caller’s appearance...all the way to her propensity for removing her panties.  Deep.

11:50 P.M.

…But then I spot a girl coming out of the bar who’s a size 6, trying to squeeze into a size 2.  Nasty—that killed the mood.

Yeah, how dare that random woman wear ill-fitting clothes and therefore hamper his sex drive?  And she’s a size 6, too—the nerve!

11:55 P.M.

…What makes it even sexier is that I haven’t hooked up with her yet…

Yet?  Presumptuous much?

We haven’t heard Patrick’s radio show (despite the offer of a free trial), but we’re guessing it, too, is chock-full of off-base insights like the ones in this article.  But then, it just wouldn’t be true to the Cosmo spirit if it didn’t portray women as sex objects, would it?  The whole article sounds more like the journal of an eleventh-grader than the musings of a grown man.  Maybe he isn’t quite as lecherous in person as seems in print, but why run the risk?  If we worked with Patrick, we’d be taking the stairs from now on.

Comments

[Jen]

Thank you for reading Cosmo so I don't have to. I can't believe women past high school age still buy this rag. It's articles like this and the headline on the front cover - "10 things guys crave in bed!" - that tell me this is really a magazine for men.

[Jessica]

I kind of want to deck that guy.

[Kristen]

Way to make me feel self-conscious about doing stiff-legged deadlifts, dude.

And that whole size six thing...give me a freakin' break.

[Rick Deckert]

I would like to say on behalf of all males that Cosmo Radio's Patrick does not speak for us.

In fairness, he was given a ridiculous assignment to chronicle how often he thought about sex. What was he going to write? "Went to gym, didn't think about sex; back at office, didn't think about sex"? That wouldn't get printed.

Of course, Patches had an opportunity to address the issue with wit, style, and grace, to wink at the underlying premise without making all men seem like pigs.

But instead, he followed orders to look stupid and didn't disappoint...by disappointing.

[Kera]

wow is all I can say... Maybe you should take a second out of your day and listen to Patrick on Cosmo Radio and you will see that it is not chock-full of off-base insights.. instead it is a male that is willing to listen to any problem his female listeners have and offer a male opinion on them, he is quite an insightful male that has helped me through a relationship problem or two and has done nothing but been uplifting and inspiring to his female callers. Yes his article was a little off the beat but if you listened then you would know that's not the way he thinks and was asked to write about only specific thoughts for that article. so please in the future before you make such comments about things you don't know do a little extra research because your bound to piss off some pretty devoted fans.

[Glossed Over]

Are you suggesting that his words can't be taken at face value? Until the magazine comes with an audio supplement that plays automatically as we turn the pages, we're just going to have to agree to disagree. Maybe he comes off insightful on the radio, but he sure didn't in that article. And we don't think it's at all feasible to expect that we should know everything about a person's work or personality before we form an opinion.