Lowest Common Denominator: Cosmopolitan, April

99: Number of “sex facts you’ve never heard before” promised on the cover

4: Secrets spilled by readers in Kate White’s “From the Editor”

1: Number of those secrets actually worth keeping quiet (Checking your pores in a mirror?  No one cares.  Logging into your boyfriend’s MySpace?  Yeah, don’t announce that to the world.)

5: Number of “Things You Didn’t Know About Eva (Longoria)…Until Now”

10: Number of “Life Lessons We’ve Learned from Gabrielle” (Longoria’s Desperate Housewives character)

4: Number of “Compliments She’ll Love” recommended to men

0: Amount a woman will be impressed when she realizes that sweet compliment came straight from the pages of Cosmo

3: Number of celebrities pictured in “What Hollywood Is Wearing,” featuring stylist Rachel Zoe

3: Number of celebrities on that page who are Zoe’s clients (Mischa Barton, Jennifer Garner, and Cameron Diaz)

2: Number of factors that determine whether a man will be violent, according to “The Dangerous Mistake Gutsy Women Make” (“It’s all about reputation and reproduction,” says the article.)

15: Number of ideas touted as “fresh (and genius)” uses for a camera phone

13.5: Number of ideas actually printed (Where’s the remainder of #12?  And the entirety of #15?)

1: Number of “Why Don’t You…” ideas that constitutes common sense (“Why don’t you…be nice to your waiter,” says Cosmo.  Yes, it’s a good idea to be kind to anyone handling your food.  Are there really so many brutish readers who need to be told otherwise?)

75: Approximate percent of the confessions in “What He Does When You’re Not Around” we wish we hadn’t read.  A loofah to scrub the tub? Photocopying a diary for later reference?  And those are the tamer admissions!  We hereby retract our complaint that Glamour’s compendium of male revelations was far too mild.

Bonus: We’d like to point out a veritable milestone: the most laughable phrase ever to be printed in Cosmopolitan (which is saying a lot) occurs on page 260.  Ready?  It’s “ta-ta swelter.”  Oof!  It’s so groaningly awful that it’s almost poetic. 

Comments

Great cover