Lowest Common Denominator: Bazaar, March

0: On a scale of 1-10, amount of interest Katie Holmes (er, Kate Cruise?) appears to have in being on the cover.  Is it just us, or does this woman look dreadfully unhappy?

968: Number of “new looks to flatter you” touted on the cover

Perhaps 2: Number of these looks that are remotely wearable or flattering.  Go ahead, we dare you to try the high-waisted Prada hot pants on page 360.  Or the dress made of Plexiglass and Swarovski crystals—this is not a joke!—on page 379.

64: Number of pages of advertising (including the inside front cover and two Bazaar promotions) before the first page of editorial, Glenda Bailey’s “Editor’s Letter”

$325: Price of Chanel bangle that Bazaar staff plans to “stock up on”

1 each: Mentions of Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, Speaker Nancy Pelosi, and German Chancellor Angela Merkel

2: Number of mentions of Kate Middleton, Prince William’s girlfriend

4: Pages devoted to Sarah Ferguson, Duchess of York

4: Pages devoted to Judith Giuliani, Rudy Giuliani’s wife

1: Number of models balanced on a giant white wrecking ball

16: Number of contractions in “What Katie Did Next” attributed to Katie Holmes.  Sample stiff contraction-free quote: “I am a runner.  I have always loved to run, and it has now helped me lose the extra baby weight.”

1: Past issues of Bazaar which appear in this issue.  The December issue sits on Donatella Versace’s coffee table in the photo on page 457.