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From Shop Etc.’s “Contain Yourself!,” August:
“Thinking about your bedroom as a boutique helps give it that added touch of beauty…”
And never mind the borderline unhealthy implications of putting things up for sale in your bedroom. Next month, Shop will reveal how to find your perfect therapist.
While we were slacking off this week, here’s what else was going on:
Did Elle make up Hilary Duff’s attestation of virginity? Did anyone believe it in the first place? Does anyone over the age of fourteen even care?
Jane wants readers to contact editors with story ideas. Remember when Sassy did its annual reader-produced issue? This is like that, only lazier and not as innovative.
This week’s most bizarre internet mashup features legendary Cosmo editor Helen Gurley Brown lecturing how to have an affair over salacious news footage dissecting the breakup of Peter Cook and Christie Brinkley. If only Cook had followed HGB’s helpful and totally outdated advice.
And this is old, but too good to pass up. Apparently, Anna Wintour is considered so powerful that she gets blamed for everything—including the economic performance of companies she isn’t even affiliated with.
Oops. We somehow let forty-eight hours slip by without even realizing it. No, we weren’t having a lost weekend in the middle of the week. We weren’t even having more fun than can be found by nitpicking our beloved magazines.
Actually, what were we doing?
Anyway, check in with us tomorrow for our weekly round-up of other magazine news from around the internet, and we’ll resume our normal schedule on Monday.
Despite our initial reticence about the idea, we’ve come to believe that it was a wise move for Britney Spears to pose nude in August’s Bazaar. Why the change of heart? Because, after reading the interview, we understand that her body’s all she has—she certainly doesn’t demonstrate the kind of insight or intelligence that would justify any attention whatsoever. Here, for instance, is a typically inarticulate statement: 
“I didn’t know if I wanted to go there, because…you know.”
And her thoughts on her second pregnancy are too shallow to be believed:
“This one, I was like, I just gotta wing it.”
Britney also gives us a glimpse into her relationship with much-maligned husband Kevin Federline:
“He’s a doll; he’s adorable.”
Yes, Brit, it’s adorable that he charges $20,000 to make an appearance at parties. How fortunate that he’s industrious, too!
What finally confirmed for us that Britney has completely parted ways with reality, however, were her plans for a children’s clothing line:
…she’s designing a baby-clothing line inspired by [Sean Preston]…“Hopefully next year we’ll have a fashion show, maybe at Disney World or something like that. We’ll have them onstage, and they’ll have mini guitars. Everyone needs a mini guitar.”
Everyone needs a mini guitar? Perhaps not. Considering that Britney wasn’t posing in the buff to promote anything but her second child, we’re quite certain what she really needs is attention.
Fret not, Brit! You’re not the only celeb with nothing to offer: Ashlee Simpson: Nothing to Say to Marie Claire or Anyone Else
Continuing the parade of celebrities who say too much to journalists (just wait until we check out Britney Spears in Bazaar), Eva Mendes shoots her mouth off to InStyle’s “Guilty Pleasures,” August:
“I’ll eat two Cup Noodles while sitting in bed watching Oprah…”
Okay, at least the requisite see-how-normal-I-am comment is out of the way.
“…Friends call me Horsey…”
Interesting that she would allow her friends to call her Horsey. That isn’t exactly a compliment.
“…and an ex-boyfriend called me a shrew because that animal can eat twice its body weight.”
And now we almost feel sorry for her. Eva, honey, are you sure that he was referring to your eating habits when he called you a shrew?
Even more baffling is that this was all one quote, as if being bestowed with mocking nicknames has anything to do with snacking on the preferred food of broke college students while watching the weepiest show on television. Well, on second thought, it probably does.
Witness the epidemic of celebrities who neglect to think before they speak: InStyle: Where
Cringe-Worthy Quotes Are a Good Thing; Summer Fashion Made Far Too Simple at InStyle
Photo of the always-glamourous Eva Mendes courtesy of DailyCeleb
We initially thought that Glamour’s “Ashley’s Secret Life,” August, would be a strong candidate for We Read It So You Don’t Have To. After all, who but die-hard Judd fans or gluttons for punishment (we’re the latter) would want to read two pages of a movie star’s psychobabble? Who but someone already enamored with all things Ashley would want to know the details of her 47 days in a Texas psychiatric facility? And who but the most ardent Ashley Judd supporter wouldn’t be disgusted that she’s turned her issues into a publicity drive for upcoming movies?
We only had to read a few paragraphs of the article to figure out that her lengthy stay at the facility did nothing to tame her legendary sense of smugness and superiority.
For instance, here’s how she describes visiting her sister at the facility:
Glamour: …What exactly happened when you went to visit Wynonna?
Ashley Judd: …one of the things families are asked to do is allow the person in treatment to talk about their perception of their lives without interruption. I found I was having traumatic responses…And what I realized is that I wanted this opportunity for myself.
Well, of course she wanted it for herself—just think of the street cred she could gain by a stay at the center. Only a few years ago, Angelina Jolie was widely considered to be utterly insane (perhaps rightfully so, what with Billy Bob, her brother, and the locket of blood), and now she has an Oscar, she’s married to Brad Pitt, and she’s a leading humanitarian. Perhaps that is what Ashley wanted for herself.
Naturally, the counselors realized Ashley’s need—for publicity and attention—and asked her to stay. And we’re sure that their intervention had nothing to do with the fact that Ashley is a movie star with free time and plenty of money, not to mention access to the press.
Of course, maybe they wouldn’t have taken her into the program if they knew she’d start talking like this to her friends:
“When you unconsciously cover your mouth with your hand while speaking, it seems like you believe your voice doesn’t matter, and that frustrates me. I would like you to do some work on your self-esteem; I intend to do the same.”
Unfortunately, the Glamour interview proves that, improved mental health or not, she’s still as insufferable as ever. Wonder if further treatment could help with that?
Elsewhere this week:
Kirsten Dunst’s shoot for Vogue goes terribly wrong, proving yet again why models should reclaim magazine covers.
Interning—or, in this case, is it “interning”?— at Teen Vogue will get you nowhere. However, if your mother edits the grown-up version, all sorts of opportunities present themselves.
Continually managing to be ever more insipid, Cosmo announces its sixth annual “Media Man” contest. You know, because there just isn’t enough space in the magazine for all the objectifying that needs to be done.
By special request, this week’s edition of We Read It So You Don’t Have To tackles the article touted on Marie Claire’s August cover as “The Erotic New Trend (Everyone’s Trying It…).”
The “erotic new trend” is fresh,
hot, and boundary breaking—or at least it was three years ago. The dated phenomenon MC so breathlessly promotes is this:
Would You Kiss a Girl?
The magazine reveals that 55 percent of its online survey respondents would be intimate with another woman, an answer that shouldn’t surprise anyone who’s seen an episode of The Real World wherein the cast members get drunk. (We realize that pretty much every episode involves the housemates drinking, but that only proves our point.)
More galling than the fact that this topic is no longer interesting is the awkward juxtaposition of two women who recount their personal experiences with same-sex kissing. One woman is straight and makes out with her friend while drinking at a nightclub. The other woman is a lesbian. Because, you know, a woman kissing her pal to get male attention at a club is totally the same thing as two women kissing because they’re dating.
A caption in the article reads
Madonna did it. Will you?
We say: Madonna did it three years ago. Will you stop writing about it already?
From Jane’s “Life,” August:
We ask [three women]: Would you go topless if it were legal?
Next month, Jane turns its investigative eye on similarly trenchant, never-before-explored gender topics like whether women would stand to pee if they could and what they would do first if, upon awaking, discovered they had transformed into a man overnight. Amazingly, just like in this month’s edition, none of the women questioned will offer any original insight in response.
Though we’d love nothing more than to spend our morning dissecting the new issue of Jane, we have obligations pulling us away from our beloved glossy magazines. Today’s update will be later than normal—check back this evening for your dose of snark!
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